Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Kind of Communicator Are You?CharacteristicsBenefitsAssertive vs. Aggressive CommunicationHow to Be More Assertive

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Table of Contents

What Kind of Communicator Are You?

Characteristics

Benefits

Assertive vs. Aggressive Communication

How to Be More Assertive

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Assertive communication involves stating your feelings and needs clearly and directly while being respectful of others. Being assertive ensures that your feelings are clearly communicated, but it also avoids belittling or dismissing other people’s thoughts or opinions.

At a Glance

Our fast and freecommunication styles quizcan help give you some insight into how you interact with others and what it could mean for your interpersonal relationships, both at work and at home.

Characteristics of Assertive Communication

Communicating assertively involves both what you say with words as well as what you convey through nonverbal signals. Some key characteristics of assertive communication include:

Being assertive isn’t always easy, and there may be obstacles that make it much more difficult. For example, it’s harder to be assertive when you lack the skills to communicate your needs or you fear that there will be repercussions if you speak your mind.

Benefits of Assertive Communication

There are many benefits to assertive communication. When you are clear and direct with others, you’re more likely to:

An understanding of assertive communication can also help you handle difficult family, friends, and co-workers more easily, reducing drama and stress.

Assertive communication empowers you todraw necessary boundariesto meet your needs in relationships without alienating others and letting resentment and anger creep in.

This helps you have what you need in relationships while allowing your loved ones to meet their needs. Although many people equate assertive communication with conflict and confrontation, assertiveness actually allows people to be closer.

Communicating assertively can also have important benefits in the workplace. It can be particularly important for healthcare professionals, for example, who need to be able to communicate assertively in order to minimize the risk for medical errors. It can also help health professionals convey their exptise to patients without causing them to feel belittled or dismissed.

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Assertive vs. Aggressive vs. Passive Communication

While assertive communication might sound simple on the surface, it does take practice. Many people mistake assertiveness for aggressiveness, butassertiveness is actually the balanced middle groundbetween aggressiveness and passivity.

Aggressiveness leads to hurt feelings and fractured relationships.Passive communication involves people-pleasing behaviors, not speaking up for yourself, and undermining your needs.

Passivityleads to stress and resentment,and sometimes even lashing out in the end. Research has found that when people communicate in passive ways, they are more likely to feel helpless, depressed, and tense.

AssertiveConveys your needs clearlyRespects othersGives room for compromiseImproves relationshipsUses healthy boundariesAggressiveForces needs on othersDisrespects or bullies othersUncompromisingWeakens relationshipsViolates boundaries

AssertiveConveys your needs clearlyRespects othersGives room for compromiseImproves relationshipsUses healthy boundaries

Conveys your needs clearly

Respects others

Gives room for compromise

Improves relationships

Uses healthy boundaries

AggressiveForces needs on othersDisrespects or bullies othersUncompromisingWeakens relationshipsViolates boundaries

Forces needs on others

Disrespects or bullies others

Uncompromising

Weakens relationships

Violates boundaries

Perceptions of assertiveness vs. aggressiveness can vary, and unfortunately, there are often sexist double-standards at play. Assertive behavior in men is often viewed as decisive and leader-like. In women, assertiveness is more likely to be perceived as domineering or aggressive.

How to Develop an Assertive Communication Style

Learning to speak assertively enables you to respect everyone’s needs and rights—including your own—and tomaintain boundariesin relationships while helping others feel respected at the same time. These steps can help you to develop this healthy communication style (and relieve stress in your life in the process).

Press Play for Advice On Communicating Better

1. Be Factual About What You Don’t Like

When approaching someone about a behavior you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done, rather than using negative labels or words that convey judgments. For example:

Situation:Your friend, who habitually runs late, has shown up 20 minutes late for a lunch date.Inappropriate (aggressive) response: “You’re so rude! You’re always late.“Assertive communication: “We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50.”

Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you think they’re negative. In this situation, don’t assume that your friend deliberately arrived late because they didn’t want to come or because they value their own time more than yours.

2. Don’t Judge or Exaggerate

Being factual about what you don’t like in someone’s behavior, without overdramatizing or judging, is an important start. The same is true for describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label, or judge; just describe:

Body languageand tone of voice matter in assertive communication. Let yours reflect your confidence: Stand up straight, maintain eye contact, and relax. Use a firm but pleasant tone.

3. Use “I” Messages

Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions and less blame. This helps minimize defensiveness in the other person, model the act of taking responsibility, and move you both toward positive change.For example:

You Message: “You need to stop that!”I Message: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.”

When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions. It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view.

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4. Put It All Together

Here’s a great formula that puts it all together:

“When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].”

When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. For example: “When you yell, I feel attacked.”

5. List behavior, results, and feelings.

A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again, put into factual terms), and looks like this:

“When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].”

For example: “When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated.”

Or, “When you tell the kids they can do something that I’ve already forbidden, some of my authority as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined.”

It can be helpful to look for a middle ground. See if you can find a compromise or a way for you both to get your needs met.

In the case of the always-late friend, maybe a different meeting place would help them be on time. Or you can choose to make plans only at times when your schedule is more open and their lateness won’t cause you as much stress.

Communication Skills to Strengthen Any Relationship

9 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Eslami AA, Rabiei L, Afzali SM, Hamidizadeh S, Masoudi R.The effectiveness of assertiveness training on the levels of stress, anxiety, and depression of high school students.Iran Red Crescent Med J. 2016;18(1):e21096. doi:10.5812/ircmj.21096U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.Assertive communication.Oana J, Ionica Ona A.Assertiveness in self-fulfillment and professional success. interpersonal dynamics in the didactic relation.Psychol. 2019;10:1235-1247. doi:10.4236/psych.2019.108079Richard C, Lussier MT, Millette B, Tanoubi I.Healthcare providers and patients: an essay on the importance of professional assertiveness in healthcare today.Med Educ Online. 2023;28(1):2200586. doi:10.1080/10872981.2023.2200586Yamasaki K, Nishida N.The relationship between three types of aggression and peer relations in elementary school children.Int J Psychol. 2009;44(3):179–186. doi:10.1080/00207590701656770Dijkstra MT, Homan AC.Engaging in rather than disengaging from stress: Effective coping and perceived control.Front Psychol. 2016;7:1415. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01415de la Torre GG, Ramallo MA, Gonzalez-Torre S, et al.Communication styles and attention performance in primary school children.Behavioral Sciences. 2021;11(12):172. doi:10.3390/bs11120172Maloney ME, Moore P.From aggressive to assertive.Int J Womens Dermatol. 2019;6(1):46-49. doi:10.1016/j.ijwd.2019.09.006Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831

9 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Eslami AA, Rabiei L, Afzali SM, Hamidizadeh S, Masoudi R.The effectiveness of assertiveness training on the levels of stress, anxiety, and depression of high school students.Iran Red Crescent Med J. 2016;18(1):e21096. doi:10.5812/ircmj.21096U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.Assertive communication.Oana J, Ionica Ona A.Assertiveness in self-fulfillment and professional success. interpersonal dynamics in the didactic relation.Psychol. 2019;10:1235-1247. doi:10.4236/psych.2019.108079Richard C, Lussier MT, Millette B, Tanoubi I.Healthcare providers and patients: an essay on the importance of professional assertiveness in healthcare today.Med Educ Online. 2023;28(1):2200586. doi:10.1080/10872981.2023.2200586Yamasaki K, Nishida N.The relationship between three types of aggression and peer relations in elementary school children.Int J Psychol. 2009;44(3):179–186. doi:10.1080/00207590701656770Dijkstra MT, Homan AC.Engaging in rather than disengaging from stress: Effective coping and perceived control.Front Psychol. 2016;7:1415. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01415de la Torre GG, Ramallo MA, Gonzalez-Torre S, et al.Communication styles and attention performance in primary school children.Behavioral Sciences. 2021;11(12):172. doi:10.3390/bs11120172Maloney ME, Moore P.From aggressive to assertive.Int J Womens Dermatol. 2019;6(1):46-49. doi:10.1016/j.ijwd.2019.09.006Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Eslami AA, Rabiei L, Afzali SM, Hamidizadeh S, Masoudi R.The effectiveness of assertiveness training on the levels of stress, anxiety, and depression of high school students.Iran Red Crescent Med J. 2016;18(1):e21096. doi:10.5812/ircmj.21096U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.Assertive communication.Oana J, Ionica Ona A.Assertiveness in self-fulfillment and professional success. interpersonal dynamics in the didactic relation.Psychol. 2019;10:1235-1247. doi:10.4236/psych.2019.108079Richard C, Lussier MT, Millette B, Tanoubi I.Healthcare providers and patients: an essay on the importance of professional assertiveness in healthcare today.Med Educ Online. 2023;28(1):2200586. doi:10.1080/10872981.2023.2200586Yamasaki K, Nishida N.The relationship between three types of aggression and peer relations in elementary school children.Int J Psychol. 2009;44(3):179–186. doi:10.1080/00207590701656770Dijkstra MT, Homan AC.Engaging in rather than disengaging from stress: Effective coping and perceived control.Front Psychol. 2016;7:1415. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01415de la Torre GG, Ramallo MA, Gonzalez-Torre S, et al.Communication styles and attention performance in primary school children.Behavioral Sciences. 2021;11(12):172. doi:10.3390/bs11120172Maloney ME, Moore P.From aggressive to assertive.Int J Womens Dermatol. 2019;6(1):46-49. doi:10.1016/j.ijwd.2019.09.006Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831

Eslami AA, Rabiei L, Afzali SM, Hamidizadeh S, Masoudi R.The effectiveness of assertiveness training on the levels of stress, anxiety, and depression of high school students.Iran Red Crescent Med J. 2016;18(1):e21096. doi:10.5812/ircmj.21096

U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.Assertive communication.

Oana J, Ionica Ona A.Assertiveness in self-fulfillment and professional success. interpersonal dynamics in the didactic relation.Psychol. 2019;10:1235-1247. doi:10.4236/psych.2019.108079

Richard C, Lussier MT, Millette B, Tanoubi I.Healthcare providers and patients: an essay on the importance of professional assertiveness in healthcare today.Med Educ Online. 2023;28(1):2200586. doi:10.1080/10872981.2023.2200586

Yamasaki K, Nishida N.The relationship between three types of aggression and peer relations in elementary school children.Int J Psychol. 2009;44(3):179–186. doi:10.1080/00207590701656770

Dijkstra MT, Homan AC.Engaging in rather than disengaging from stress: Effective coping and perceived control.Front Psychol. 2016;7:1415. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01415

de la Torre GG, Ramallo MA, Gonzalez-Torre S, et al.Communication styles and attention performance in primary school children.Behavioral Sciences. 2021;11(12):172. doi:10.3390/bs11120172

Maloney ME, Moore P.From aggressive to assertive.Int J Womens Dermatol. 2019;6(1):46-49. doi:10.1016/j.ijwd.2019.09.006

Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831

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