How to Turn Down the Noise and Turn Up Your Confidence

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsDo Your Own Thing—Whatever That Looks Like to YouReframe Rejection As RedirectionBlock the Haters and Prosper

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Do Your Own Thing—Whatever That Looks Like to You

Reframe Rejection As Redirection

Block the Haters and Prosper

Every Friday onThe Verywell Mind Podcast, host Minaa B., a licensed social worker, mental health educator, and author of “Owning Our Struggles,” interviews experts, wellness advocates, and individuals with lived experiences about community care and its impact on mental health.

Confidence is a myth.

Or at least that’s what my old boss always told me. “Because if you step out in a new way, you’re always bound to feel some discomfort,” she explained.

She was a renowned public speaker, with her own brand of (at the time) 15 million followers on Facebook. If there was anyone who knew how to command a room of hundreds of C-suite executives and leaders and look completely fabulous while doing it, it was her. Yet, though she’d been doing this for years, even she had her own insecurities.

That’s when I realized none of us really has it all together. And sometimes the best thing to do is to act as if we already do, aka fake it ‘til we make it.

For Kenyan-born model and digital content creatorAchieng Agutu, that looked like an intentional act of self-proclamation: “Listen, I’m going to be the confidence queen and live my life in that manner, in that lifestyle, in the essence that is very much queen, queeny, queendom,” Agutu recalls telling herself.

But her path toward queendom was hardly a straight one. After all, confidence isn’t exactly a simple flip of a switch (wouldn’t that be something?).

Queens have bad days too.

Though Agutu recognizes that her journey toward self-love, healing, and recognizing self-worth is ongoing, she shares some tips she learned along the way.

At a GlanceConfidence is a skill we can spend our whole lives trying to learn. By getting clear about our goals, taking small steps outside of our comfort zone, reframing rejection as redirection, and reserving our energy toward the right things and people, we can slowlybuild our confidenceand be our own cheerleaders in the process.

At a Glance

Confidence is a skill we can spend our whole lives trying to learn. By getting clear about our goals, taking small steps outside of our comfort zone, reframing rejection as redirection, and reserving our energy toward the right things and people, we can slowlybuild our confidenceand be our own cheerleaders in the process.

How to Improve Your Self-Worth and Why It’s Important

How many times have we fantasized about our dream career, house, car, or partner, only for our parents to burst our thought bubble and wake us back into reality? Because same.

Pressure’s On

In hindsight, we may realize our parents are only looking out for our financial security and overall stability, but as we grow a bit older and wiser, and some of our dreams continue to linger, we start to wonder what if.What if I had just taken that internship—where would I be now? What if I had switched careers, gone back to school, finished that degree, or studied abroad? What if I made my life decisions based on what felt right for me rather than letting others dictate my next move?

For Agutu, who was in grad school and going through a transitional period in her life, the answer became clear when she stepped away from the noise around her and dialed into her own emotions. “You know, you have one life. You live every day; you’ll die once. And so if you live, you want life on this earth [to be] for other people who are already living their own lives, and that doesn’t feel fair.” she tells host of The Verywell Mind Podcast,Minaa B. “I think I needed to just get to a point where it was all about me. And I was okay with that.”

I think I needed to just get to a point where it was all about me. And I was okay with that.

Don’t Forget to Celebrate the Small StuffResearch shows that when we accomplish our micro wins, we activate our brain’s reward system, which drives our motivation to keep at it towards our long-term goalsand boosts our confidence at the same time: a win-win.

Don’t Forget to Celebrate the Small Stuff

Research shows that when we accomplish our micro wins, we activate our brain’s reward system, which drives our motivation to keep at it towards our long-term goalsand boosts our confidence at the same time: a win-win.

Self-Determination Theory in Psychology

OK, so we finally muster up the motivation to revamp our resume, write a bang-up cover letter, and apply for that dream job, only to receive that dreaded email that they’ve “decided to go in another direction.” Ugh. Rejection is tough. It can make us question our self-worth or wonder what we could’ve done differently—for some of us, it can hit harder than others (seerejection sensitive dysphoria).

We’ve been there, Agutu included, and it can be a tough pill to swallow. But as Agutu puts it, “those rejections are just redirecting you to exactly where you’re supposed to be, do exactly what you’re supposed to be doing around the people you’re supposed to be around. And I think that’s where the power of feeling true in that space comes from… that there is a space for you where you deserve to be. And it’s… you. It has your name right on top of it.”

So the next time we’re in our feelings about a missed job opportunity, a college rejection letter, or even a date who left us on read, we can try reframing the “why is this happening to me’s” to “something greater is happeningforme.” It may end up being a blessing in disguise.

It turns out even our self-proclaimed confidence queen had her moments. And with a following of 533,000 Instagram followers, Agutu has had her fair share of experiencing hateful messaging and online trolling.

So, how did she get to a place of radiating confidence, even as a thriving digital content creator?

“I had to get to a point where I had to understand their negativity, and whatever they say has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them,” says Agutu.

“If you’re taking time out of your day, energy that you could be using to get clear skin, energy you could be using to fly to Germany, wherever you wanna be, you’re using to come onto my sexy page, my tantalizing, sexy part of the internet to talk about some crazy things, to give negativity, like, listen, it just makes no sense,” she adds. “Like, when I put it like that, that actually sounds so silly.”

Before responding to that comment, ask yourself, “What good will this argument do for me, the other person, and the people who are witnessing this experience?” Then consider the people who are feeling seen, inspired, and proud of your work (yes, we mean you, too!), and shift your energy to them instead. Lastly, don’t be afraid to lean on your circle for support.

“I feel like it’s been really special to have that because, for a really long time, I felt afraid to ask for help and afraid to ask even people who just want good things for me for assistance,” admits Agutu. “And, um, I think community care is a space of intentionality. That’s kind of how I describe it.”

If you’re struggling with self-esteem, you’re not alone. Contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Joblist.The Impact of Parental Influence: Career Edition.Kim S il.Neuroscientific model of motivational process.Front Psychol. 2013;4:98. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2013.00098

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Joblist.The Impact of Parental Influence: Career Edition.Kim S il.Neuroscientific model of motivational process.Front Psychol. 2013;4:98. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2013.00098

Joblist.The Impact of Parental Influence: Career Edition.Kim S il.Neuroscientific model of motivational process.Front Psychol. 2013;4:98. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2013.00098

Joblist.The Impact of Parental Influence: Career Edition.

Kim S il.Neuroscientific model of motivational process.Front Psychol. 2013;4:98. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2013.00098

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

Was this page helpful?

Thanks for your feedback!

What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

What is your feedback?

At a Glance#

Pressure’s On#

Don’t Forget to Celebrate the Small Stuff#

At a Glance

Pressure’s On

Don’t Forget to Celebrate the Small Stuff