Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsEnabling vs. HelpingWhy Do People Enable?How to Stop EnablingWhat Happens Next

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Enabling vs. Helping

Why Do People Enable?

How to Stop Enabling

What Happens Next

At a GlanceIf you have a loved one who is misusing alcohol, you may wonder if you’re helping them or enabling them. There’s a difference between helping and enabling someone, but it’s not always easy to tell.

At a Glance

If you have a loved one who is misusing alcohol, you may wonder if you’re helping them or enabling them. There’s a difference between helping and enabling someone, but it’s not always easy to tell.

If you have a loved one who has alcohol use disorder, you may have heard that you play a role in “enabling the alcoholic.” How can you know if you are being an enabler or if what you are doing is just being helpful? How can you stop if you are being an enabler?

“Enablingan alcoholic” means that you’re doing things for a person who is misusing alcohol that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober.

“Enabling an alcoholic” is not the same as “helping an alcoholic.” Helping is doing something that the person could not or would not do for themselves if they were sober.

An important difference between helping and enabling? Helping does not protect a person who is misusing alcohol from the consequences of their actions.

In this article, we’ll talk about how to tell if you’re enabling or helping a loved one with alcohol or substance use disorder, and how to stop being an enabler.

While the term “alcoholic” was used in the past but is now viewed as outdated and stigmatizing. Today, healthcare professionals would say that a person has alcohol use disorder (AUD). When it comes to reducing alcohol-related stigma, words matter.

​​How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Alcohol Use

Enabling vs. Helping an Alcoholic

Signs that you are “enabling an alcoholic” include ignoring their behavior, giving them financial help, covering for them or making excuses for their behavior, and taking over their responsibilities.

The quick way to tell the difference between enabling and helping? Anything that you do that protects someone who is misusing a substance from the consequences of their actions is enabling because it delays their decision to get help.

Enabling isnothelping. In fact, one of the best ways that you can help a loved one who is misusing alcohol or another substance is tostopenabling them.

Why Do People Enable Alcoholics?

There really isn’t a single reason that people enable their loved ones who are misusing substances. It’s often a combination of situations and the complexities of relationships that lead to enabling.

You probably have started out with a genuine desire to be helpful. When your loved one is in pain or behaving in a way that could get them into trouble, your first instinct might be to try to protect or “save them.”

In relationships, enabling can be a sign ofcodependency—an excessive reliance on a person who may need more support because of addiction or illness. Enabling can be a way to cope with or avoid emotional pain.

9 Ways to Help Someone With an Alcohol Use Disorder

How to Stop Enabling an Alcoholic

Once you realize that you are not helping but are actually enabling a loved one who is misusing alcohol, you may have no idea how to stop.

In a way, learning to stop enabling another person’s drug or alcohol misuse can be very empowering for you. That said, it doesn’t mean it’s easy to do.

Remember that you can’t change other people but youcanchange your behaviors and reactions toward them.

Here are a few things to keep in mind as you work to stop being an enabler.

DoOffer support for recovery effortsSet boundariesLet the person deal with consequencesDon’tMake excusesTake over personal responsibilitiesSave the person from legal consequences

DoOffer support for recovery effortsSet boundariesLet the person deal with consequences

Offer support for recovery efforts

Set boundaries

Let the person deal with consequences

Don’tMake excusesTake over personal responsibilitiesSave the person from legal consequences

Make excuses

Take over personal responsibilities

Save the person from legal consequences

Do Not Give Them a Safety Net

Are you paying some of the bills that your loved one would be paying if they hadn’t lost their job or missed time from work due to their drinking? Are you providing this person with food and a place to live?

If so, you could be enabling. You are giving them a “safety net” that allows them to lose their job or skip work because of their alcohol or substance use with no real consequences for these actions.

Do Not Do Things They Can Do Themselves

If your loved one has lost their driver’s license due to their alcohol use, giving them a ride to anA.A. meetingor a job interview is really helping and not enabling. These are things that your loved one cannot do on their own, so helping them out is a way you can support their recovery efforts.

There are some actions you might feel would help your loved one but would actually be enabling, such as:

These are all tasks that your loved one needs to be able to do for themselves.

Do Not Make Excuses

“Sorry, they can’t come into work today—they’ve picked up some kind of flu bug?” Maybe that’s a call you’ve made on behalf of a loved one who istoo hungoverto go to work. Making an excuse for them is enabling because it lets your loved one “off the hook.” Now, they won’t have to face the consequences of their alcohol use.

You might say, “But, they could lose their job!” Yep, you’re right—they could. And losing their job might be the “wake-up call” they need to start taking responsibility for their behavior.

Do Not Take on All the Responsibilities

Doing every chore, handling all the parenting, and basically assuming any other responsibility that your loved one used to do before their alcohol use got in the way are enabling behaviors.

If you are doing anything that your loved one would be doing if they were sober, you are enabling them to avoid their responsibilities.

Do Not Loan or Give Money

You probably realize that purchasing alcohol for someone who is misusing it is clearly enabling—but what about giving them money? If you’re offering financial support to a person who is misusing alcohol, you may find it’s not much different than if you bought the alcohol for them.

Even if you say it’s “only a loan” and even if they swear that they “won’t use it to buy alcohol,” you might have already found yourself in a situation where the money wasneverpaid back or you caught the person with alcohol or drugs that they bought with your money.

Rushing in to rescue someone may help you feel needed, but it does not mean that you’re helping. In Al-Anon, this is called “putting pillows under” your loved one so that they never feel the pain of their mistakes.

And yes, in some cases the legal consequences related to misusing alcohol and drugs can be severe and life-altering. But protecting your loved one from them won’t “save” them from the true threat to their wellbeing—their substance misuse.

Do Not Scold, Argue, or Plead

You may think that when you are scolding or berating a loved one for their latest episode, it is anything but enabling—but it actually could be.

Not only is fighting with someone who is misusing substances not likely to lead to any real resolution, but it’s also exhausting. So, not only are you not helping your loved one—you’re not taking care of yourself, either.

Do Not React

If you say or do something negative in response to what your loved one has done, that gives them the opportunity to react to your reaction. But if you stay quiet or go on with your life as if nothing happened, then they are left with nothing to respond to except their own actions.

If you react negatively, you are giving them an emotional out. Try to stay calm and avoid blowing up or having an emotional reaction to the situation.

Do Not Try to Drink With Them

No matter how badly you might want to be part of your loved one’s life, do not engage in the behaviors with them. It won’t help them and it won’t help you.

Using alcohol with someone who is misusing the substance will just keep the cycle going and make it worse rather than giving them a chance to get out.

Do Not Be Afraid to Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

A boundary needs to be serious and firm, but that does not mean that it has to be threatening.  Saying, “If you don’t quit drinking, I will leave!” is an ultimatum and a threat, but saying, “I will not have drinking in my home” is setting a boundary.

You can’t control whether a loved one quits drinking or not, but you can decide what kind of behavior you will or will not accept in your life.

One thing that members of Al-Anon learn is that they no longer have to allow a loved one’s unacceptable behavior. You can’t control the behavior of your loved one, but you can decide what you find unacceptable.

What Happens When You Stop Enabling An Alcoholic?

So, what happens when you stop enabling someone with an alcohol or substance use disorder? It’s possible that after an enabling system is removed, the fear will force a person to seek help, but there are no guarantees.

Not knowing what will happen or not feeling positive about the outcome can be very difficult to accept. You may want to take some time to learn more about enabling and the “familydisease of alcoholism.”

If you or a loved one are struggling with substance use or addiction, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you or a loved one are struggling with substance use or addiction, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

Effects of Alcoholism on the Family

4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Rotunda RJ, Doman K.Partner enabling of substance use disorders: Critical review and future directions.American Journal of Family Therapy. 2023;29(4):257-270. doi:10.1080/01926180152588680Lander L, Howsare J, Byrne M.The impact of substance use disorders on families and children: from theory to practice.Soc Work Public Health. 2013;28(3-4):194–205. doi:10.1080/19371918.2013.759005University of Pennsylvania.Enabling behaviors.Zimmerman ER.Preoccupied Attachment as Predictor of Enabling Behavior: Clinical Implications and Treatment for Partners of Substance Abusers.Clinical Social Work Journal. 2018;46(1):48-56. doi:10.1007/s10615-018-0645-xAdditional ReadingHazelden Betty Ford Foundation.What is enabling?.National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.Al-Anon interview with NIAAA director Dr. George F. Koob.

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Rotunda RJ, Doman K.Partner enabling of substance use disorders: Critical review and future directions.American Journal of Family Therapy. 2023;29(4):257-270. doi:10.1080/01926180152588680Lander L, Howsare J, Byrne M.The impact of substance use disorders on families and children: from theory to practice.Soc Work Public Health. 2013;28(3-4):194–205. doi:10.1080/19371918.2013.759005University of Pennsylvania.Enabling behaviors.Zimmerman ER.Preoccupied Attachment as Predictor of Enabling Behavior: Clinical Implications and Treatment for Partners of Substance Abusers.Clinical Social Work Journal. 2018;46(1):48-56. doi:10.1007/s10615-018-0645-xAdditional ReadingHazelden Betty Ford Foundation.What is enabling?.National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.Al-Anon interview with NIAAA director Dr. George F. Koob.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Rotunda RJ, Doman K.Partner enabling of substance use disorders: Critical review and future directions.American Journal of Family Therapy. 2023;29(4):257-270. doi:10.1080/01926180152588680Lander L, Howsare J, Byrne M.The impact of substance use disorders on families and children: from theory to practice.Soc Work Public Health. 2013;28(3-4):194–205. doi:10.1080/19371918.2013.759005University of Pennsylvania.Enabling behaviors.Zimmerman ER.Preoccupied Attachment as Predictor of Enabling Behavior: Clinical Implications and Treatment for Partners of Substance Abusers.Clinical Social Work Journal. 2018;46(1):48-56. doi:10.1007/s10615-018-0645-x

Rotunda RJ, Doman K.Partner enabling of substance use disorders: Critical review and future directions.American Journal of Family Therapy. 2023;29(4):257-270. doi:10.1080/01926180152588680

Lander L, Howsare J, Byrne M.The impact of substance use disorders on families and children: from theory to practice.Soc Work Public Health. 2013;28(3-4):194–205. doi:10.1080/19371918.2013.759005

University of Pennsylvania.Enabling behaviors.

Zimmerman ER.Preoccupied Attachment as Predictor of Enabling Behavior: Clinical Implications and Treatment for Partners of Substance Abusers.Clinical Social Work Journal. 2018;46(1):48-56. doi:10.1007/s10615-018-0645-x

Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.What is enabling?.National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.Al-Anon interview with NIAAA director Dr. George F. Koob.

Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.What is enabling?.

National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.Al-Anon interview with NIAAA director Dr. George F. Koob.

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