How to Stop Being Passive-Aggressive

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsPassive-Aggressive Behavior ExamplesCharacteristics of Passive-Aggressive PeopleCausesWays to Be Less Passive-AggressiveBenefits of Being Less Passive-AggressiveFrequently Asked Questions

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Passive-Aggressive Behavior Examples

Characteristics of Passive-Aggressive People

Causes

Ways to Be Less Passive-Aggressive

Benefits of Being Less Passive-Aggressive

Frequently Asked Questions

If someone has accused you of beingpassive-aggressive, you may wonder what that means and what you can do to reduce this behavior.

Passive-aggressive behavior is an attempt to control or manipulate someone without being honest about how you feel or what you want, saysAimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist.

Read ahead to learn how to be less passive-aggressive and improve your interpersonal relationships.

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Dr. Daramus shares some examples of passive-aggressive behavior:

Fun FactThe term “passive-aggressive” was first used in a clinical context during World War II, to describe soldiers who refused to obey officers’ commands.

Fun Fact

The term “passive-aggressive” was first used in a clinical context during World War II, to describe soldiers who refused to obey officers’ commands.

These are some characteristics of passive-aggressive people as compared to people who are more direct.

Passive-Aggressive PeopleExpecting others to know what you wantGetting upset when things don’t go your wayAvoiding direct confrontation at all costsNot communicating openlyWanting to control othersSeeing others as your opponentsBeing stubbornRefusing to consider that you might be wrongPeople Who Are More DirectSimply asking for what you wantAccepting things may not always go your wayTelling someone why you’re upset with themCommunicating honestly and assertivelyLetting go of things beyond your controlEmpathizingwith othersBeing open-mindedRespecting others’ opinions and perspectives

Expecting others to know what you want

Getting upset when things don’t go your way

Avoiding direct confrontation at all costs

Not communicating openly

Wanting to control others

Seeing others as your opponents

Being stubborn

Refusing to consider that you might be wrong

People Who Are More DirectSimply asking for what you wantAccepting things may not always go your wayTelling someone why you’re upset with themCommunicating honestly and assertivelyLetting go of things beyond your controlEmpathizingwith othersBeing open-mindedRespecting others’ opinions and perspectives

Simply asking for what you want

Accepting things may not always go your way

Telling someone why you’re upset with them

Communicating honestly and assertively

Letting go of things beyond your control

Empathizingwith others

Being open-minded

Respecting others’ opinions and perspectives

7 Signs You’re Being Emotionally Manipulated in Your Relationship

Potential Causes of Passive-Aggression

These are some of the potential causes of passive aggression, according to Dr. Daramus:

Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder

How to Be More Assertive

Dr. Daramus suggests some strategies that can help you be less passive-aggressive and more direct:

Aimee Daramus, PsyDLife is a lot less high-drama when you simply ask for what you want and say what you mean.

Aimee Daramus, PsyD

Life is a lot less high-drama when you simply ask for what you want and say what you mean.

Some of the benefits of being less passive-aggressive include:

What Are ‘I Feel’ Statements?

Frequently Asked QuestionsJust like with any other behavior, old habits die hard. While it may take some time for someone who is passive-aggressive to build healthier communication skills, it’s possible for them to improve. Amental health professionalcan help guide you through these changes.Considering the fact that passive-aggressive behavior and communication can be hurtful and damaging to any relationship, it can be deemedtoxic. If you are in a relationship with someone who tends to be passive-aggressive, it may be helpful to see acouples therapisttogether. If someone in your family uses passive-aggressive communication,family therapycan help.

Just like with any other behavior, old habits die hard. While it may take some time for someone who is passive-aggressive to build healthier communication skills, it’s possible for them to improve. Amental health professionalcan help guide you through these changes.

Considering the fact that passive-aggressive behavior and communication can be hurtful and damaging to any relationship, it can be deemedtoxic. If you are in a relationship with someone who tends to be passive-aggressive, it may be helpful to see acouples therapisttogether. If someone in your family uses passive-aggressive communication,family therapycan help.

A Word From Verywell

Passive-aggression is not a healthy way to communicate your feelings. If you’re upset or angry about something, it can help to discuss it openly and honestly, rather than pretending that nothing’s wrong and showing your displeasure in other ways.

How to Deal With Someone Who Is Passive- Aggressive

4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Lim YO, Suh KH.Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: the passive aggression scale.Behav Sci (Basel). 2022;12(8):273. doi:10.3390/bs12080273Hopwood CJ, Wright AG.A comparison of passive-aggressive and negativistic personality disorders.J Pers Assess. 2012;94(3):296-303. doi:10.1080/00223891.2012.655819Laverdière O, Ogrodniczuk JS, Kealy D.Interpersonal Problems Associated With Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder.J Nerv Ment Dis. 2019;207(10):820-825. doi:10.1097/NMD.0000000000001044Langer SL, Romano JM, Todd M, et al.Links Between Communication and Relationship Satisfaction Among Patients With Cancer and Their Spouses: Results of a Fourteen-Day Smartphone-Based Ecological Momentary Assessment Study.Front Psychol. 2018;9:1843. Published 2018 Oct 10. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01843

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Lim YO, Suh KH.Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: the passive aggression scale.Behav Sci (Basel). 2022;12(8):273. doi:10.3390/bs12080273Hopwood CJ, Wright AG.A comparison of passive-aggressive and negativistic personality disorders.J Pers Assess. 2012;94(3):296-303. doi:10.1080/00223891.2012.655819Laverdière O, Ogrodniczuk JS, Kealy D.Interpersonal Problems Associated With Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder.J Nerv Ment Dis. 2019;207(10):820-825. doi:10.1097/NMD.0000000000001044Langer SL, Romano JM, Todd M, et al.Links Between Communication and Relationship Satisfaction Among Patients With Cancer and Their Spouses: Results of a Fourteen-Day Smartphone-Based Ecological Momentary Assessment Study.Front Psychol. 2018;9:1843. Published 2018 Oct 10. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01843

Lim YO, Suh KH.Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: the passive aggression scale.Behav Sci (Basel). 2022;12(8):273. doi:10.3390/bs12080273Hopwood CJ, Wright AG.A comparison of passive-aggressive and negativistic personality disorders.J Pers Assess. 2012;94(3):296-303. doi:10.1080/00223891.2012.655819Laverdière O, Ogrodniczuk JS, Kealy D.Interpersonal Problems Associated With Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder.J Nerv Ment Dis. 2019;207(10):820-825. doi:10.1097/NMD.0000000000001044Langer SL, Romano JM, Todd M, et al.Links Between Communication and Relationship Satisfaction Among Patients With Cancer and Their Spouses: Results of a Fourteen-Day Smartphone-Based Ecological Momentary Assessment Study.Front Psychol. 2018;9:1843. Published 2018 Oct 10. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01843

Lim YO, Suh KH.Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: the passive aggression scale.Behav Sci (Basel). 2022;12(8):273. doi:10.3390/bs12080273

Hopwood CJ, Wright AG.A comparison of passive-aggressive and negativistic personality disorders.J Pers Assess. 2012;94(3):296-303. doi:10.1080/00223891.2012.655819

Laverdière O, Ogrodniczuk JS, Kealy D.Interpersonal Problems Associated With Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder.J Nerv Ment Dis. 2019;207(10):820-825. doi:10.1097/NMD.0000000000001044

Langer SL, Romano JM, Todd M, et al.Links Between Communication and Relationship Satisfaction Among Patients With Cancer and Their Spouses: Results of a Fourteen-Day Smartphone-Based Ecological Momentary Assessment Study.Front Psychol. 2018;9:1843. Published 2018 Oct 10. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01843

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Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior#

Fun Fact#

Potential Causes of Passive-Aggression#

Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder#

Aimee Daramus, PsyD#

A Word From Verywell#