Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsCausesSignsWhy It’s UnhealthyHow to Overcome

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

Causes

Signs

Why It’s Unhealthy

How to Overcome

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Codependency in a relationship is when each person involved is mentally, emotionally, physically, and/or spiritually reliant on the other. A codependent relationship can exist between romantic partners, but also with family members and friends.

It’s important for us to be able to depend on our friends and loved ones, but past a certain point, it can lead to dysfunctional relationship patterns.

This type of dependence is common in relationships where one of the parties has anaddiction, such as to alcohol or other substances.In fact, it is within the field of chemical dependency that the term codependency was born.

“The term was originally coined in the 1950s, in the context ofAlcoholics Anonymous" explainsDr. Renee Exelbert, a licensed psychologist and author based in New York, “to support partners of individuals who abused substances, and who were entwined in the toxic lives of those they cared for.”

Codependency is not a clinical diagnosis or formally categorized personality disorder on its own. Generally speaking, it incorporates aspects ofattachment stylepatterns developed in early childhood. Codependency can also overlap with otherpersonality disorders, including dependent personality disorder.

The Link Between Borderline and Dependent Personality Disorders

Causes of Codependency

What is the root cause of codependency? “Foundationally, it is due to poor concept of self and poor boundaries,” saysDr. Mark Mayfield, a licensed professional counselor (LPC), “including an inability to have an opinion or say no.”

Research suggests that there may be biological, psychological, and social elements that contribute to codependency:

Codependency can come in all shapes and sizes, with varying severity levels. It can also develop in all sorts of relationships, says Dr. Mayfield. It can exist in parent-child, partner-partner, spouse-spouse, and even coworker-boss relations.

Signs of Codependency

Codependency refers to an imbalanced relationship pattern. In this pattern, one person assumes responsibility for meeting another person’s needs to the exclusion of acknowledging their own needs or feelings.

Dr. Exelberg

Codependent relationships are thus constructed around an inequity of power that promotes the needs of the taker. This leaves the giver to keep on giving, often at the sacrifice of themselves.

Drs. Mayfield and Exelbert share that there are several signs of codependency. If you experience any of the following, you might be the giver in a codependent relationship:

Boundaries in Relationships and Stress

Why Codependency Is Unhealthy

While everyone has loved ones and feels responsible for them, it can be unhealthy when your identity is contingent upon someone else. “Codependency does not refer to all caring behavior or feelings,” says Dr. Exelbert, “but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree. Responsibility for relationships with others needs to coexist with responsibility to self.”

Dr. Exelbert goes on to say, “This dynamic has also been referred to as a ‘relationship addiction’ because people with codependency often form relationships that areone-sided,emotionally destructive, and/or abusive.”

In this sense, the inherent issue with codependency is that the giver loses their true sense of self since they’re pouring so much into the taker. Even if the giver doesn’t feel this way immediately—they likely enjoy giving their love and being relied upon—it can develop to unhealthy degrees as the relationship progresses.

Another issue with codependency is that it becomes difficult for the giver to remove themselves from the relationship since they might feel the other person relies on them so much, even if they know in their gut it is the right thing to do. Conversely, the taker will feel so reliant on the giver that they can have difficultyleaving a toxic relationshipas well.

Codependency vs. Healthy InterdependenceSimply being reliant on someone else does not mean that you are codependent. In ahealthy relationship, each person can rely on the other for a variety of needs. Codependency exists when one person gives more than the other, creating an imbalance of met needs.

Codependency vs. Healthy Interdependence

Simply being reliant on someone else does not mean that you are codependent. In ahealthy relationship, each person can rely on the other for a variety of needs. Codependency exists when one person gives more than the other, creating an imbalance of met needs.

How to Overcome Codependency

The first step inovercoming codependent tendenciesis to focus on self-awareness. This can be done on your own, of course. But Dr. Mayfield also stresses the importance oftherapyto help you really unravel your codependent tendencies.

“Many who struggle with codependency don’t seek help until their life begins to fall apart,” says Dr. Mayfield. “My advice is to be proactive andseek help.”

Once you’re on that journey, try your best to do the following:

There’s even an organization calledCodependents Anonymous (CoDa)that addresses “needing to be needed” and past relationship dynamics.

Takeaway

Codependency comes in many forms and levels of intensity. It often leads to an unhealthy relationship dynamic that progressively gets worse over time as the codependent person (the giver) loses a sense of themselves.

Recognizing the signs of codependency is the first step. Then, self-awareness and active redirection are key in reducing your codependent tendencies. Be kind to yourself as you work through the process, undoing years of this learned behavior.

How to Build a Relationship Based on Interdependence

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Salonia G, Mahajan R, Mahajan NS.Codependency and coping strategies in the spouses of substance abusers.Scholars J App Med Sci. 2021;9(7):1130-1138. doi:10.36347/sjams.2021.v09i07.002Knapek E, Szabó IK.[The concept, the symptoms and the etiological factors of codependency].Psychiatria Hungarica. 2014;29(1):56-64.

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Salonia G, Mahajan R, Mahajan NS.Codependency and coping strategies in the spouses of substance abusers.Scholars J App Med Sci. 2021;9(7):1130-1138. doi:10.36347/sjams.2021.v09i07.002Knapek E, Szabó IK.[The concept, the symptoms and the etiological factors of codependency].Psychiatria Hungarica. 2014;29(1):56-64.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Salonia G, Mahajan R, Mahajan NS.Codependency and coping strategies in the spouses of substance abusers.Scholars J App Med Sci. 2021;9(7):1130-1138. doi:10.36347/sjams.2021.v09i07.002Knapek E, Szabó IK.[The concept, the symptoms and the etiological factors of codependency].Psychiatria Hungarica. 2014;29(1):56-64.

Salonia G, Mahajan R, Mahajan NS.Codependency and coping strategies in the spouses of substance abusers.Scholars J App Med Sci. 2021;9(7):1130-1138. doi:10.36347/sjams.2021.v09i07.002

Knapek E, Szabó IK.[The concept, the symptoms and the etiological factors of codependency].Psychiatria Hungarica. 2014;29(1):56-64.

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