How to Spot a Liar in a Relationship

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsCommon ReasonsSignsImpactHow to RespondConfrontationForgivenessWhen to LeaveFrequently Asked Questions

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Common Reasons

Signs

Impact

How to Respond

Confrontation

Forgiveness

When to Leave

Frequently Asked Questions

Close

Signs of deception in a relationship can include behaviors, body language, and other cues. Nearly everyone lies from time to time, and lying out of consideration may even help protect someone else’s feelings or keep stability in your relationship. However, excessive ordestructive lyingcan irreparably harm your relationship with your spouse.

What is deception in a relationship? Deception in a relationship can involve behaviors such as making vague statements, only telling half the truth, minimizing facts, withholding information, or telling outright lies.

Knowing how to spot a liar in a relationship can be a useful skill. However,detecting a lie isn’t easy. Your own suspicions can get in the way of getting to the truth. Know the signs that you are being lied to, and what you can do if you think your spouse is lying to you.

Press Play for Advice On Lying

Why People Lie In Relationships

People choose to lie for many underlying reasons. Their reasons for lying may be well-intentioned and benign—or they could be deliberate attempts to cause pain. Reasons for lying might include:

Signs of Deception in a Relationship

While it can be helpful to know some of the typical signs of lying, it’s also easy to misunderstand such behaviors. In fact, one study found that people were only able to accurately detect lying 54% of the time in a lab setting. So, while you may believe someone is lying, it can be difficult to know for sure.

Detecting a lie is not always as easy or straightforward as noticing unusual body language or behavior. However, the following are signs that could possibly be present if someone isn’t telling the truth or they are withholding information:

It’s possible to mistake nervousness, distraction, or lack of eye contact for lying. Relying solely on common signs of lying may result in misreading or mislabeling your partner’s behaviors. Nonverbal clues of lying can be difficult to spot and vary from person to person.

Scientists even have conflicting views about this topic. Some researchers state that eye movement is not a good predictor of lies, for example.

How to Cope With a Pathological Liar

Impact of Deception on a Relationship

Some lies may seem harmless, and the occasional lie is probably inevitable (especially in the case ofwhite lies or lies of omission). But even little, infrequent lies can add up to distrust and other relationship problems, including:

How to Deal With Lying in a Relationship

If you suspect that there is deception in your relationship, there are steps you can take to respond with compassion for both your partner and yourself.

Should You Confront Deception in a Relationship?

Some experts believe that the sooner the cards are all out on the table, and the sooner honesty is lived out once again in a partnership, the better.

However, you may also consider waiting until you have uncovered more information and facts before confronting your spouse with your suspicions. Only you know what is most comfortable for you and what is best for your specific situation—including the potential consequences of the accusation andconfrontation.

Should You Forgive Your Partner?

Keep in mind, however, thatholding a grudgecan chip away at your well-being and relationship, so do your best to communicate your hurt.Forgiving your spouseor partner doesn’t mean that you condone the lying or hurtful behavior.

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When to Leave a Lying Partner

A small amount of lying is common in romantic relationships. For instance, your partner might leave out details about a past relationship. Or, when you ask them if they are attracted to someone, they may say “no” even when they really are. It’s not unusual for people to downplay certain things in order to keep peace in their relationships.

What’s important is that you and your partner are on the same page about what constitutes a damaging lie.One study found that people are likely to project their own beliefs onto their romantic partners. So, it’s important to take some to reflect onwhat your boundaries arewhen it comes to misinformation in your relationship.

Once you know your own boundaries, talk about them with your partner. Do you both agree on what it means to deceive the other? What information is non-negotiable? What is unacceptable to be dishonest about?

It might be time for the relationship to end if you and your partner don’t agree on the type of information that is necessary to share honestly with one another.

You may also ask yourself: Am I giving my partner enough space to share information with me? If they try to be truthful with you, but youcriticizeorrejectthem, you might be making it harder for them to share things in the future.

When you setboundaries in relationships, it’s important to set consequences. If your partner has continuously lied to you, let them know that you’ll find it difficult to remain in a relationship with them if they continue this behavior. If they continue lying, it’s important to follow through on the consequence.

If your partner doesn’t express remorse for lying, for hurting your feelings, or shows no willingness to change or seek help for their behavior, you might seriously consider ending the relationship.

A Word From Verywell

While some lying is normal, and can serve as a way to keep the peace or avoid hurting the other person’s feelings, trying to cover up actions or telling repeated lies can undermine a relationship. The bottom line: Honesty is a healthier approach for a happy marriage.

Frequently Asked QuestionsRebuilding trustand getting your relationship back on track often starts with being honest about the underlying cause of the betrayal and committing to forgiving your partner. But it also requires effort on your partner’s part to show a willingness to take responsibility for the lies and make an effort to change their behavior.It depends on why and how your spouse is lying. People who engage inemotional abuseoften lie as a way to control and manipulate their partner. For example, lying is often a big part ofgaslighting, which is a form of manipulation that occurs in abusive relationships.If the accusation is false, you may want to consider why your spouse suspects you of lying. Are they insecure in your relationship? Has your level of intimacy changed recently? Are they gaslighting you, or cheating themselves? Figuring out the why can help guide you to decide what to do next.Recognizing deception often involves looking at patterns of behavior and trusting your instincts. Some signs of deception can include avoiding eye contact, making vague statements, nervous body language, and changes in tone of voice.Signs that your partner might be lying about cheating include changes in their behavior, changes in communication, less time spent at home, avoiding you, acting indifferent toward you, changes in your sex life, and increased technology use.Learn More:11 Signs of Cheating

Rebuilding trustand getting your relationship back on track often starts with being honest about the underlying cause of the betrayal and committing to forgiving your partner. But it also requires effort on your partner’s part to show a willingness to take responsibility for the lies and make an effort to change their behavior.

It depends on why and how your spouse is lying. People who engage inemotional abuseoften lie as a way to control and manipulate their partner. For example, lying is often a big part ofgaslighting, which is a form of manipulation that occurs in abusive relationships.

If the accusation is false, you may want to consider why your spouse suspects you of lying. Are they insecure in your relationship? Has your level of intimacy changed recently? Are they gaslighting you, or cheating themselves? Figuring out the why can help guide you to decide what to do next.

Recognizing deception often involves looking at patterns of behavior and trusting your instincts. Some signs of deception can include avoiding eye contact, making vague statements, nervous body language, and changes in tone of voice.

Signs that your partner might be lying about cheating include changes in their behavior, changes in communication, less time spent at home, avoiding you, acting indifferent toward you, changes in your sex life, and increased technology use.Learn More:11 Signs of Cheating

Signs that your partner might be lying about cheating include changes in their behavior, changes in communication, less time spent at home, avoiding you, acting indifferent toward you, changes in your sex life, and increased technology use.

Learn More:11 Signs of Cheating

8 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Roggensack KE, Sillars A.Agreement and understanding about honesty and deception rules in romantic relationships.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.2013;31(2):178-199. doi:10.1177/0265407513489914Curci A, Lanciano T, Battista F, Guaragno S, Ribatti RM.Accuracy, confidence, and experiential criteria for lie detection through a videotaped interview.Front Psychiatry. 2019;9:748. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2018.00748Vrij A, Hartwig M, Granhag PA.Reading lies: Nonverbal communication and deception.Annu Rev Psychol.2019;70:295-317. doi:10.1146/annurev-psych-010418-103135Wiseman R, Watt C, ten Brinke L, Porter S, Couper SL, Rankin C.The eyes don’t have it: Lie detection and neuro-linguistic programming.PLoS ONE. 2012;7(7):e40259. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0040259Lee JJ, Hardin AE, Parmar B, Gino F.The interpersonal costs of dishonesty: How dishonest behavior reduces individuals’ ability to read others’ emotions.J Exp Psychol Gen. 2019;148(9):1557-1574. doi:10.1037/xge0000639Garrett N, Lazzaro SC, Ariely D, Sharot T.The brain adapts to dishonesty.Nat Neurosci. 2016;19(12):1727-1732. doi:10.1038/nn.4426Vrij A, Mann SA, Fisher RP, Leal S, Milne R, Bull R.Increasing cognitive load to facilitate lie detection: The benefit of recalling an event in reverse order.Law Hum Behav. 2008;32(3):253-265. doi:10.1007/s10979-007-9103-yStreet CNH, Vadillo MA.Commentary: Can ordinary people detect deception after all?.Front Psychol. 2017;8:1789. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01789

8 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Roggensack KE, Sillars A.Agreement and understanding about honesty and deception rules in romantic relationships.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.2013;31(2):178-199. doi:10.1177/0265407513489914Curci A, Lanciano T, Battista F, Guaragno S, Ribatti RM.Accuracy, confidence, and experiential criteria for lie detection through a videotaped interview.Front Psychiatry. 2019;9:748. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2018.00748Vrij A, Hartwig M, Granhag PA.Reading lies: Nonverbal communication and deception.Annu Rev Psychol.2019;70:295-317. doi:10.1146/annurev-psych-010418-103135Wiseman R, Watt C, ten Brinke L, Porter S, Couper SL, Rankin C.The eyes don’t have it: Lie detection and neuro-linguistic programming.PLoS ONE. 2012;7(7):e40259. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0040259Lee JJ, Hardin AE, Parmar B, Gino F.The interpersonal costs of dishonesty: How dishonest behavior reduces individuals’ ability to read others’ emotions.J Exp Psychol Gen. 2019;148(9):1557-1574. doi:10.1037/xge0000639Garrett N, Lazzaro SC, Ariely D, Sharot T.The brain adapts to dishonesty.Nat Neurosci. 2016;19(12):1727-1732. doi:10.1038/nn.4426Vrij A, Mann SA, Fisher RP, Leal S, Milne R, Bull R.Increasing cognitive load to facilitate lie detection: The benefit of recalling an event in reverse order.Law Hum Behav. 2008;32(3):253-265. doi:10.1007/s10979-007-9103-yStreet CNH, Vadillo MA.Commentary: Can ordinary people detect deception after all?.Front Psychol. 2017;8:1789. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01789

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Roggensack KE, Sillars A.Agreement and understanding about honesty and deception rules in romantic relationships.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.2013;31(2):178-199. doi:10.1177/0265407513489914Curci A, Lanciano T, Battista F, Guaragno S, Ribatti RM.Accuracy, confidence, and experiential criteria for lie detection through a videotaped interview.Front Psychiatry. 2019;9:748. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2018.00748Vrij A, Hartwig M, Granhag PA.Reading lies: Nonverbal communication and deception.Annu Rev Psychol.2019;70:295-317. doi:10.1146/annurev-psych-010418-103135Wiseman R, Watt C, ten Brinke L, Porter S, Couper SL, Rankin C.The eyes don’t have it: Lie detection and neuro-linguistic programming.PLoS ONE. 2012;7(7):e40259. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0040259Lee JJ, Hardin AE, Parmar B, Gino F.The interpersonal costs of dishonesty: How dishonest behavior reduces individuals’ ability to read others’ emotions.J Exp Psychol Gen. 2019;148(9):1557-1574. doi:10.1037/xge0000639Garrett N, Lazzaro SC, Ariely D, Sharot T.The brain adapts to dishonesty.Nat Neurosci. 2016;19(12):1727-1732. doi:10.1038/nn.4426Vrij A, Mann SA, Fisher RP, Leal S, Milne R, Bull R.Increasing cognitive load to facilitate lie detection: The benefit of recalling an event in reverse order.Law Hum Behav. 2008;32(3):253-265. doi:10.1007/s10979-007-9103-yStreet CNH, Vadillo MA.Commentary: Can ordinary people detect deception after all?.Front Psychol. 2017;8:1789. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01789

Roggensack KE, Sillars A.Agreement and understanding about honesty and deception rules in romantic relationships.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.2013;31(2):178-199. doi:10.1177/0265407513489914

Curci A, Lanciano T, Battista F, Guaragno S, Ribatti RM.Accuracy, confidence, and experiential criteria for lie detection through a videotaped interview.Front Psychiatry. 2019;9:748. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2018.00748

Vrij A, Hartwig M, Granhag PA.Reading lies: Nonverbal communication and deception.Annu Rev Psychol.2019;70:295-317. doi:10.1146/annurev-psych-010418-103135

Wiseman R, Watt C, ten Brinke L, Porter S, Couper SL, Rankin C.The eyes don’t have it: Lie detection and neuro-linguistic programming.PLoS ONE. 2012;7(7):e40259. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0040259

Lee JJ, Hardin AE, Parmar B, Gino F.The interpersonal costs of dishonesty: How dishonest behavior reduces individuals’ ability to read others’ emotions.J Exp Psychol Gen. 2019;148(9):1557-1574. doi:10.1037/xge0000639

Garrett N, Lazzaro SC, Ariely D, Sharot T.The brain adapts to dishonesty.Nat Neurosci. 2016;19(12):1727-1732. doi:10.1038/nn.4426

Vrij A, Mann SA, Fisher RP, Leal S, Milne R, Bull R.Increasing cognitive load to facilitate lie detection: The benefit of recalling an event in reverse order.Law Hum Behav. 2008;32(3):253-265. doi:10.1007/s10979-007-9103-y

Street CNH, Vadillo MA.Commentary: Can ordinary people detect deception after all?.Front Psychol. 2017;8:1789. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01789

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