How to Socialize When You Have Social Anxiety Disorder

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsPerformance DeficitsTraining TipsHow to Talk to PeopleConversations With ActivitiesNonverbal CommunicationFrequently Asked Questions

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Performance Deficits

Training Tips

How to Talk to People

Conversations With Activities

Nonverbal Communication

Frequently Asked Questions

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Knowing how to talk to people when you havesocial anxiety disorder (SAD)can be difficult. Even after gettingtreatment, you may find that you lack some of thesocial skillsneeded to connect with people effectively. It is a hurdle that many people with SAD face but one which can be overcome with a little patience, practice, and insight.

Learn more about how to talk to someone if you have social anxiety.

Social Performance Deficits

The termsocial performance deficitsdescribes gaps in communication skills that limit how well you interact with others. It is unclear whether social anxiety leads to real or perceived social performance deficits. The research has so far had mixed results.

Some studies have found that adolescents with social anxiety tended to rate their social performance poorly but that there doesn’t seem to be a link between how they perceived themselves and how independent observers rated their performance. Other studies, however, have found that socially anxious people may indeed have social performance deficits that are noticeable to impartial observers.

One study found that people with SAD remember their social performances as being more negative than they actually are. The researchers found that 98% of those who viewed videos of themselves interacting socially with others said their performance was more favorable than they’d predicted.

Whether you have real or imagined social performance deficits, social anxiety can keep you from engaging in social interactions out of fear of rejection or embarrassment. Even after learning to control your anxiety, you may not know how to start a conversation, read body language, or identify social cues.

Social Skills Training Tips

Communication is about more than just speaking. Like any new experience, there may be stress and the occasional gaffe when you first start, and it’s important to recognize that this is normal. By merely being present, things will improve, sometimes invisibly, as you become more accustomed tosocial situations.

Below are a variety of techniques to try that can help.

Expend Some Energy

Physical exercisecan help you deplete some of the energy that would otherwise fuel your anxiety.Try finding a workout that you enjoy that increases your heart rate. In the long run, physical exercise has been shown to decrease anxiety and depression whileboosting overall mood.

You can start feeling the stress-relieving effects of exercise after just one session. Try to work up a sweat before your next social outing and observe how you feel. Maybe you are less nervous leading up to, during, or after the event.

18 Effective Stress Relief Strategies

Start Small

If you don’t know anyone,introducingyourself to one person is a great start. Pace yourself—you don’t need to rush or talk to everyone in the room.

If you relax and focus on enjoying yourself, it’s likely that others will start conversations with you as well.

Use Self-Help Tools

Try coming up with amantra, or a word or phrase, that you can repeat to yourself when you feel stressed. Maybe you repeat to yourself, “I am at ease,” or “I can relax.” You can say anything that reminds you that you’re not in any real, physical danger.

Take some deep breaths.Deep breathingcalms down your nervous system and can reduce the"fight-or-flight" responsethat often occurs when people with SAD become overwhelmed.Try taking a deep breath, holding it for a few seconds, and releasing it.

Avoid Using Alcohol to Cope

It’s tempting touse alcoholor other drugs to cope with social anxiety, especially if you think a substance will make you more talkative or more social.

While you might indulge in a social cocktail or two, avoid using alcohol or any other substance as an outlet for your social anxiety.

Substances that affect your mood, like alcohol, can easily make you feel more nervous to interact with others. Alcohol can also contribute to feelings ofirritabilityand depression.

You’re also less likely to act like yourself if you’remisusing a substance. People can often tell if someone is being their authentic self or if they are under the influence of alcohol or drugs—it’s best to be yourself.

Notice Body Language

Someone who is standing in a relaxed position and making eye contact with you will likely start a conversation or reciprocate if you start one.

Some people may look like they are unavailable. Maybe they’re on their phone, looking down, and their body language indicates they’re closed off. If this is the case, there’s no need to force a social interaction. Maybe you wait a moment to see if theirbody languagechanges. Or, you can safely assume they are not in the mood to talk right now—and that’s okay.

Self-Care

If you have social anxiety, you know that social interactions require a lot of energy. It’s important that you replenish your energy and your mental health after you interact with people.

Congratulate yourself for putting yourself out there—it’s not easy and you are improving your social skills every time you use them. Make sure you taketime to relax. Self-care looks different for everyone, but some ideas include:

Self-care also means not being hard on yourself. If you have the tendency to replay every social interaction in your mind, criticizing yourself for what you said or didn’t say, try to divert this energy and do something else instead.

5 Types of Self-Care for Every Area of Your Life

Conversing is a skill, just like riding a bike; the more you do it, the better you will get. You can start conversations almost anywhere—waiting in line at the grocery store, walking in a park, or grabbing a drink at your local coffee shop.

Be Respectful

If you’re looking to start a conversation, or join one that’s already happening, be as polite as possible. This means not interrupting someone else when they are talking. Try to match the volume of your voice with your environment (if you’re indoors, use your “indoor voice”).

Avoid checking your phone or looking somewhere else while you talk or while someone else is talking. Maintaining eye contact will let the other person know you are listening.

Leaving a conversationshould be as graceful as possible, too. Even after a small conversation, people generally respond well if you say “Have a nice day,” or “It was nice speaking with you,” after a social interaction.

Don’t Be Afraid to Start the Conversation

If someone else doesn’t start the conversation, don’t be afraid to initiate it yourself! If you are standing in line, for instance, it’s a great opportunity to connect with someone since you’ll likely be standing there for several minutes before you both change location.

It’s a good idea to have someconversation startersin mind. For instance, a lot of people make casual conversation about the weather, especially if the weather has been unusual or unpredictable.

You might start up a conversation based on an observation on your surroundings. If you’re in a park you might say, “I’ve never seen the park this crowded before!”

No matter what the topic is that you start with, remember that conversations are fluid.

Listen to what the other person says and be flexible when it comes to subject matters. As long as you are comfortable engaging with this person and feel safe talking about a topic, you can let the conversation flow naturally.

You might try to start a conversation with someone who doesn’t respond. That’s okay, too. Research shows that while strangers often ignore each other in public spaces, most of us feel more positive after interacting with another person.So, it’s worth it to try to connect with other people, even if it doesn’t work out.

How to Be More Outgoing

Be Yourself

While you might have somesmall talk topicsin your head, don’t be afraid to express honest and real opinions. People tend to prefer genuine interactions than a template for conversation.

Be yourself! Being your authentic self will create more authentic conversations. When they feel like they know you better, they will likely feel safer and freer to be themselves, too.

Ask Questions

One study found that there is a link between question-asking and liking: Conversation partners who asked questions and follow-up questions were more liked than conversation partners who didn’t ask questions at all.

Maybe you base your question off a common interest. For instance, if you’re both in the same coffee shop, you might ask them what their favorite drink is to order. Or, if you’re at a concert, maybe you ask the person how long they’ve been a fan of the musical artist.

Here again, body language is key. Face the person when you speak to them, as much as possible, while still respecting their personal space. Make eye contact. You might add in a nod or a smile here and there as you listen and respond to what they’re saying.

Avoid Overthinking

Try not tooverthinkit. If you find you have thoughts like, “I don’t think they like me,” or “I feel like I sound so stupidright now,” try to let go of the negativity, take a breath, and refocus on what the other person is saying. Be in the moment.

View each conversation you have as practice. Reframing your experience can help you avoid the pitfalls ofperfectionismand allow you to enjoy the moment more.

Even the smallest interactions can turn into friendlier encounters and good conversations. But not every conversation needs to be long or in-depth. Allow the experience to be whatever it is—however big or small—and look forward to your next opportunity to talk to someone.

How to Be Less Self-Conscious in Social Situations

Conversations With Activities Help Avoid Dry Conversations

To overcome dry conversations, put yourself in situations where you can combineconversation with activity. Invite a person to join you at a place where you can move about or focus on an activity if there is ever a hiccup in the conversation.

While lunches or dinners may be okay, there is really is nowhere to turn if the conversation runs dry (other than to comment on the food or surroundings). Instead, consider these options:

Doing these activities together can help stimulate conversation and take some of the pressure off the back-and-forth volley of conversation.

Practice Nonverbal Communication

People with SAD tend to be unaware of the physicality of communication.As a result, they may create barriers that suggest they are distracted, disinterested, or disingenuous.

These behaviors may include:

In fact, good posture is linked with feeling more confident. One study found that participants who sat upright, with good posture, for an extended time, reported feeling more confident and had higher levels of self-esteem than those who sat slumped, with poor posture.

Takeaway

Avoid giving them any social cues (like sustained eye contact or approaching them) that would indicate you’re open to having a conversation. If you want to leave a conversation that’s already happening, you can give a reason such as “I need to make a phone call,” or simply say, “Please excuse me,” and walk away.

The Neurodivergent Guide to Socializing

11 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

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Warnock-Parkes E, Wild J, Stott R, Grey N, Ehlers A, Clark DM.Seeing Is believing: Using video feedback in cognitive therapy for social anxiety disorder.Cogn Behav Pract. 2017;24(2):245-255. doi:10.1016/j.cbpra.2016.03.007

Halls G, Cooper PJ, Creswell C.Social communication deficits: Specific associations with social anxiety disorder.J Affect Disord. 2015;172:38-42. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2014.09.040

Harvard Health Publishing.Can exercise help treat anxiety?.

Harvard Health Publishing.Relaxation techniques: Breath control helps quell errant stress response.

Epley N, Schroeder J.Mistakenly seeking solitude.J Exp Psychol Gen.2014;143(5):1980-1999. doi:10.1037/a0037323

Huang K, Yeomans M, Brooks AW, Minson J, Gino F.It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking.J Pers Soc Psychol. 2017;113(3):430-452. doi:10.1037/pspi0000097

Howell AN, Zibulsky DA, Srivastav A, Weeks JW.Relations among social anxiety, eye contact avoidance, state anxiety, and perception of interaction performance during a live conversation.Cogn Behav Ther. 2016;45(2):111-22. doi:10.1080/16506073.2015.1111932

Nair S, Sagar M, Sollers J, Consedine N, Broadbent E.Do slumped and upright postures affect stress responses? A randomized trial.Health Psychol.2015;34(6):632-641. doi:10.1037/hea0000146

Beidel DC, Alfano CA, Kofler MJ, Rao PA, Scharfstein L, Wong Sarver N.The impact of social skills training for social anxiety disorder: A randomized controlled trial.J Anxiety Disord. 2014;28(8):908-18. doi:10.1016/j.janxdis.2014.09.016

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