How to Set Boundaries With Your Adult Children

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsRecognizing the Need for BoundariesUnderstanding Your Children’s AdulthoodSetting and Modeling Healthy BoundariesDefining Personal LimitsSeeking Support

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Recognizing the Need for Boundaries

Understanding Your Children’s Adulthood

Setting and Modeling Healthy Boundaries

Defining Personal Limits

Seeking Support

You raised them, loved them, and launched them into the world. Now your kids are adults with lives of their own. It’s a beautiful thing, right? Absolutely. But let’s be real: navigating relationships andboundarieswith adult children can also be a little…tricky.

We want to support their independence while still maintaining our own sanity and well-being. The goal is to figure out how to love our adult kids without losing ourselves in the process. That’s where boundaries come in.

As our children go from childhood to adulthood, we need to adjust our boundaries with them as our relationship with them redefines itself, saysClaudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”

As our children go from childhood to adulthood, we need to adjust our boundaries with them as our relationship with them redefines itself.—CLAUDIA DE LLANO, LMFT

As our children go from childhood to adulthood, we need to adjust our boundaries with them as our relationship with them redefines itself.

—CLAUDIA DE LLANO, LMFT

At a Glance

An adult child who lives at home and doesn’t help out around the house. A parent who keeps coming over unannounced. These are some examples of why we need clear boundaries in order to maintain healthy, respectful relationships between parents and adult children.

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man and woman visiting with their adult son

Setting boundaries with your adult children might feel counterintuitive to theunconditional loveyou hold for them. However, it’s essential for maintaining a healthy relationship, because boundaries protect your well-being as well as your children’s. Here’s how:

Research shows us that cohesive families give each family member support, warmth, intimacy, and access to resources, without interfering in their lives or compromising their autonomy.

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Understanding that your children have transitioned into adulthood is crucial for setting effective boundaries. This involves recognizing that they are individuals with their own lives, hopes, dreams, and challenges. The experts help us explore what that might look like.

Promoting Autonomy

By treating your children like adults, you can encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives. This includes letting them handle their health, lifestyle, finances, relationships, and career decisions independently.

One of the markers of launching our children successfully into adulthood is trusting and facilitating their independence in a way that sets them free with the confidence to navigate the world, says de Llano. “This requires setting up firm yet flexible boundaries that gives them a sense of personal responsibility as well as an ability to take risks and make decisions.”

Accepting Their Decisions

Your children need to make their own decisions, even if their choices differ from your expectations, values, orprinciples.

Chances are they’ll make mistakes along the way, but you have to let them learn their lessons. Allowing adult children to problem solve without interference teaches them to manage the challenges of everyday life, says de Llano.

“It’s important to recognize that adulthood means autonomy, and as parents we really do need to respect that. Sometimes our adult child just doesn’t want to listen to our advice and that’s okay,” says Harris.

It’s important to recognize that adulthood means autonomy, and as parents we really do need to respect that. Sometimes our adult child just doesn’t want to listen to our advice and that’s okay.—CARLY HARRIS, LMFT

It’s important to recognize that adulthood means autonomy, and as parents we really do need to respect that. Sometimes our adult child just doesn’t want to listen to our advice and that’s okay.

—CARLY HARRIS, LMFT

Respecting Their Boundaries

Just as you’re setting rules, your children might be too. It’s essential torespect their boundariesand give them the space they need to explore their careers, relationships, and interests without interfering.

“We can provide light guidance as they navigate setting their own boundaries, but again, we have to allow them to make their own decisions through their own autonomy over their lives,” says Harris.

Recognizing Their Individuality

As your children grow up, it’s important to let them become their own people. “Adulthood is about defining one’s own person outside of the family system—this is a process of self-discovery where the child may develop differing opinions, ideas, and even values that lead to self-differentiation,” de Llano explains.

As much as you might wish them to, your child may not have the same beliefs, values, and priorities that you do. You also can’t use the timeline you followed as a young adult to judge your child’s progress or success because times change, says Harris.

As parents, we need to support our children without feeling the need to bend them to our will, in order to help them form a solid sense of self that includes positiveself-esteemand the ability to forge their own path in life, says de Llano.

Building New Relationships

Perhaps the most important part of understanding your child’s adulthood involves building a new relationship with them. “At this developmental phase, it’s appropriate to focus on being a mentor rather than a director in your child’s life,” says Harris.

At this developmental phase, it’s appropriate to focus on being a mentor rather than a director in your child’s life.—CARLY HARRIS, LMFT

At this developmental phase, it’s appropriate to focus on being a mentor rather than a director in your child’s life.

These are some strategies that can help you set and model healthy boundaries with your adult children:

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These are some examples of setting boundaries and modeling ideal behavior with adult children.

Finances

Boundary:“No, I won’t be able to lend you any more money, but I’m happy to help you polish up your resume so you can apply for a job.”

Model behavior:Show your children how you manage your own finances responsibly and discuss your budgeting strategies with them.

Time and Availability

Boundary:“I love spending time with you but I already have plans today. I wish you would give me some notice before coming over, so I can make sure I’m available.”

Chores

Boundary:“If you’re going to live with us for some time, you need to help out around the house. Let’s make a list of some chores you could do.”

Model behavior:Be neat, clean,organized, efficient, and hands-on, so your children learn what self-sufficiency looks like. Assign them age-appropriate chores from a young age, so they’re involved in the housework.

Personal Space

Boundary:“We’re happy for you to use the kitchen, but please clean up after yourself when you’re done instead of leaving a mess for the next person.”

Model behavior:Respect your children’s personal space and don’t misuse it.

Belongings

Boundary:“Please let us know before borrowing something, otherwise we cannot find it when we need it.”

Model behavior:Don’t help yourself to your children’s belongings. Ask before borrowing something and return it in a timely manner.

How to Deal With Difficult Family Members

If you or your children are struggling to set healthy boundaries with each other, you may find it difficult to interact with each other without negativity or conflict. This can take a toll on your relationship and harm your family dynamics. Seeking support can help you resolve some of these issues and build a healthier relationship with each other.

These are some forms of support that may be helpful:

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Takeaways

As your children grow up, your relationship with them will change and it’s important for your boundaries to reflect that. Setting boundaries with adult children is an act of love and respect, leading to healthier relationships for everyone involved.

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3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Coe JL, Davies PT, Sturge-Apple ML.Family cohesion and enmeshment moderate associations between maternal relationship instability and children’s externalizing problems.J Fam Psychol. 2018 Apr;32(3):289-298. doi:10.1037/fam0000346George C, Wargo Aikins J.Developing a secure base in family intervention: Using the adult attachment projective system to assess attachment in family relationships.Front Psychol. 2023 Nov 3;14:1291661. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1291661Varghese M, Kirpekar V, Loganathan S.Family interventions: Basic principles and techniques.Indian J Psychiatry. 2020 Jan;62(Suppl 2):S192-S200. doi:10.4103/psychiatry.IndianJPsychiatry_770_19

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Coe JL, Davies PT, Sturge-Apple ML.Family cohesion and enmeshment moderate associations between maternal relationship instability and children’s externalizing problems.J Fam Psychol. 2018 Apr;32(3):289-298. doi:10.1037/fam0000346George C, Wargo Aikins J.Developing a secure base in family intervention: Using the adult attachment projective system to assess attachment in family relationships.Front Psychol. 2023 Nov 3;14:1291661. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1291661Varghese M, Kirpekar V, Loganathan S.Family interventions: Basic principles and techniques.Indian J Psychiatry. 2020 Jan;62(Suppl 2):S192-S200. doi:10.4103/psychiatry.IndianJPsychiatry_770_19

Coe JL, Davies PT, Sturge-Apple ML.Family cohesion and enmeshment moderate associations between maternal relationship instability and children’s externalizing problems.J Fam Psychol. 2018 Apr;32(3):289-298. doi:10.1037/fam0000346George C, Wargo Aikins J.Developing a secure base in family intervention: Using the adult attachment projective system to assess attachment in family relationships.Front Psychol. 2023 Nov 3;14:1291661. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1291661Varghese M, Kirpekar V, Loganathan S.Family interventions: Basic principles and techniques.Indian J Psychiatry. 2020 Jan;62(Suppl 2):S192-S200. doi:10.4103/psychiatry.IndianJPsychiatry_770_19

George C, Wargo Aikins J.Developing a secure base in family intervention: Using the adult attachment projective system to assess attachment in family relationships.Front Psychol. 2023 Nov 3;14:1291661. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1291661

Varghese M, Kirpekar V, Loganathan S.Family interventions: Basic principles and techniques.Indian J Psychiatry. 2020 Jan;62(Suppl 2):S192-S200. doi:10.4103/psychiatry.IndianJPsychiatry_770_19

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At a Glance#

Promoting Autonomy#

Accepting Their Decisions#

Respecting Their Boundaries#

Recognizing Their Individuality#

Building New Relationships#

Finances#

Time and Availability#

Chores#

Personal Space#

Belongings#

Takeaways#