How to Recognize Enabling

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Is Enabling?Signs of EnablingHow to Stop EnablingGetting Help for Enabling

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What Is Enabling?

Signs of Enabling

How to Stop Enabling

Getting Help for Enabling

Many times when family and friends try to “help” people with alcohol use disorders, they are actually making it easier for them to continue in the progression of the disease. This baffling phenomenon is called enabling. It can take many forms, all of which have the same effect—allowing the individual to avoid the consequences of their actions.

Enabling allows someone with an alcohol problem to continue their destructive behavior, secure in the knowledge that no matter how many mistakes they make, somebody will always be there to rescue them.

At a GlanceEnabling can be destructive, but it isn’t always easy to recognize. Knowing more about what enabling means and being able to spot the signs can help you learn to better manage this behavior. Defining the problem, creating boundaries, and making tough choices are a few tactics that can help you stop enabling.

At a Glance

Enabling can be destructive, but it isn’t always easy to recognize. Knowing more about what enabling means and being able to spot the signs can help you learn to better manage this behavior. Defining the problem, creating boundaries, and making tough choices are a few tactics that can help you stop enabling.

What is the difference between helping and enabling? Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

Enabling is doing things for someone that they could andshouldbe doing themselves.

Put simply, enabling creates an atmosphere in which the individual can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior. Learning how to recognize the signs of enabling can help loved ones curb this tendency and deal with the problem rather than avoiding it.

Enabling is often used in the context of alcohol or drug use. However, it can apply to any type of behavior within a relationship that supports and maintains a harmful behavior pattern.

While the term is often used in a negative or even judgmental way, people who engage in enabling are not always aware of the effect that their actions have.

In order to overcome enabling, the first step is to learn how to recognize it. Some signs that you might be engaging in enabling include:

Avoiding the Problem

Avoidanceis a common way to cope with a problem. For example, instead of confronting the person about their behavior, you might simply look for ways to avoid dealing with it.

The problem is that while avoidance might be a short-term, temporary solution, it can make the problem worse in the long run.

Denying That There Is a Problem

It can be difficult to admit that your loved one has a problem. This can be especially true if the other persondeniesthat they have an addiction. While you might know that there is an issue, it is sometimes easier to let yourself believe their denials or convince yourself that the problem really isn’t that bad.

Feeling Resentful

Even though you keep finding ways to protect your loved one from the consequences of their alcohol or substance use, your resentment for having to do things may continue to build. This can lead to feelings of anger andirritability, which can interfere with your health and relationships.

The Mental Health Effects of Holding a Grudge

Ignoring or Tolerating the Problematic Behavior

You might try to ignore the signs of your loved one’s behaviors. For example, you might find evidence that they have been drinking or using drugs in your home but ignore it and avoid confronting them about it.

Making Excuses or Covering for Them

Enabling can also involve excusing or covering up their behavior so that they don’t have to face the consequences. For example, you might call their employer and say that they are sick when they are really too hung over to go to work.

Giving Them Financial Support

Providing financial assistance that maintains the problematic behavior is also a sign of enabling. You might pay their bills that they forgot to pay or even give them cash that they then use to buy alcohol or drugs.

Putting Their Needs Above Your Own

Enabling also involves sacrificing or neglecting your own needs to care for the other person. This might involve experiencing financial hardships in order to keep providing for the other person financially or neglecting your own health in order to care for the other person physically.

Taking Over Responsibilities for the Other Person

When the other person can’t fulfill their daily duties, you might take over to cover for them. This might involve doing household tasks such as cleaning, laundry, or child care.

Enabling Can Be SubtleWhile enabling can sometimes be apparent, it can also take more subtle forms. For example, giving a person gifts that help them maintain their problem behaviors can also be a form of enabling.

Enabling Can Be Subtle

While enabling can sometimes be apparent, it can also take more subtle forms. For example, giving a person gifts that help them maintain their problem behaviors can also be a form of enabling.

If you recognize some of the signs of enabling in your relationship, there are steps that you can take to address the issue. Finding ways to empower your loved one instead of enabling them can help them work toward recovering from their addiction.

Confronting your own enabling behaviors can improve your own mental and emotional well-being.

Explain the Problem

If you’ve been avoiding or denying the person’s problem behavior, the first step is to make it clear that you know about it. Be compassionate and make it clear that while you don’t support the behavior, you are willing to support and help them in getting help and making a change.

Create Boundaries

Establishing and then maintaining clearboundariesis essential. Let them know what those boundaries are and then follow through when those limits are violated.

For example, tell them that they cannot come to your home or be around you when they are drinking. Having boundaries minimizes enabling behaviors and protects your mental health and well-being.

Don’t Provide Financial Assistance

Giving the other person money allows them to continue engaging in destructive behavior. By not financially supporting the addiction, the other person will have to find ways to become more self-reliant.

Let Them Face the Consequences

As long as someone with an alcohol use disorder or other issue has their enabling devices in place, it is easy for them to continue todeny the problem.

Only when they are forced to face the consequences of their own actions will it finally begin to sink in how serious the problem has become.

For the loved ones of people with an alcohol or substance use disorder, sometimes this isn’t easy. The consequences of the individual’s behavior can affect the entire family, so it is important to find a way to balance these hard choices with the reality of what is safe and acceptable for the rest of the family.

Make Tough Choices

Confronting the behavior sometimes means makingtough choices. For families, this might mean taking children to a friend’s or relative’s house, or even a shelter, and letting the individual come home alone to an empty house.

This is an option that protects the family and leaves the individual to deal with their problem. Those kinds of choices are difficult. They require “detachment with love.”

Making hard choices involves avoiding enabling while still being supportive of your loved one. Research suggests that people who have substance use disorders often have fewer social supports, which can undermine their recovery.

Havingsupportive relationshipswith caring family members, partners, and friends has been shown to help people maintain their sobriety, so it is important to show that you care and support your loved one.

10 Ways to Show a Friend Some Tough Love, According to Therapists

Even if your loved one won’t accept help, you might also consider going to therapy yourself.

Talking to a therapist yourself can help you develop new coping skills and protect your own mental health and well-being.

You may also find that some problems can linger even after treatment. For families dealing with the process of alcohol recovery, there are many resources available to offer help and support through the difficulties. Manyfamily membershave found that joiningAl-Anon Family Groupscan be very beneficial.

Detachment From a Family Member With Alcoholism

8 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Law JL.Intervention: The first step to recovery from addiction.Family Therapy with Adolescents in Residential Treatment. Published online 2017:207-230. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-51747-6_12Willm Mistral.Integrated Approaches to Drug and Alcohol Problems: Action on Addiction. Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group; 2016.Pius J, Egunjobi J.Communication and Addiction.African Journal of Alcohol & Drug Abuse. 2021;3:62-72.Tracy K, Wallace S.Benefits of peer support groups in the treatment of addiction.Substance Abuse and Rehabilitation. 2016;Volume 7(7):143-154. doi:10.2147/sar.s81535Kala E.What is enabling: Enabling behaviors and resources. Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.Pettersen H, Landheim A, Skeie I, et al.How social relationships influence substance use disorder recovery: A collaborative narrative study.Subst Abuse. 2019;13:1178221819833379. doi:10.1177/1178221819833379Pettersen H, Landheim A, Skeie I, et al.How social relationships influence substance use disorder recovery: a collaborative narrative study.Subst Abuse. 2019;13:1178221819833379. doi:10.1177/1178221819833379Isaacson EB.Chemical Dependency. Routledge; 2012. doi:10.4324/9780203729229

8 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Law JL.Intervention: The first step to recovery from addiction.Family Therapy with Adolescents in Residential Treatment. Published online 2017:207-230. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-51747-6_12Willm Mistral.Integrated Approaches to Drug and Alcohol Problems: Action on Addiction. Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group; 2016.Pius J, Egunjobi J.Communication and Addiction.African Journal of Alcohol & Drug Abuse. 2021;3:62-72.Tracy K, Wallace S.Benefits of peer support groups in the treatment of addiction.Substance Abuse and Rehabilitation. 2016;Volume 7(7):143-154. doi:10.2147/sar.s81535Kala E.What is enabling: Enabling behaviors and resources. Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.Pettersen H, Landheim A, Skeie I, et al.How social relationships influence substance use disorder recovery: A collaborative narrative study.Subst Abuse. 2019;13:1178221819833379. doi:10.1177/1178221819833379Pettersen H, Landheim A, Skeie I, et al.How social relationships influence substance use disorder recovery: a collaborative narrative study.Subst Abuse. 2019;13:1178221819833379. doi:10.1177/1178221819833379Isaacson EB.Chemical Dependency. Routledge; 2012. doi:10.4324/9780203729229

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Law JL.Intervention: The first step to recovery from addiction.Family Therapy with Adolescents in Residential Treatment. Published online 2017:207-230. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-51747-6_12Willm Mistral.Integrated Approaches to Drug and Alcohol Problems: Action on Addiction. Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group; 2016.Pius J, Egunjobi J.Communication and Addiction.African Journal of Alcohol & Drug Abuse. 2021;3:62-72.Tracy K, Wallace S.Benefits of peer support groups in the treatment of addiction.Substance Abuse and Rehabilitation. 2016;Volume 7(7):143-154. doi:10.2147/sar.s81535Kala E.What is enabling: Enabling behaviors and resources. Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.Pettersen H, Landheim A, Skeie I, et al.How social relationships influence substance use disorder recovery: A collaborative narrative study.Subst Abuse. 2019;13:1178221819833379. doi:10.1177/1178221819833379Pettersen H, Landheim A, Skeie I, et al.How social relationships influence substance use disorder recovery: a collaborative narrative study.Subst Abuse. 2019;13:1178221819833379. doi:10.1177/1178221819833379Isaacson EB.Chemical Dependency. Routledge; 2012. doi:10.4324/9780203729229

Law JL.Intervention: The first step to recovery from addiction.Family Therapy with Adolescents in Residential Treatment. Published online 2017:207-230. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-51747-6_12

Willm Mistral.Integrated Approaches to Drug and Alcohol Problems: Action on Addiction. Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group; 2016.

Pius J, Egunjobi J.Communication and Addiction.African Journal of Alcohol & Drug Abuse. 2021;3:62-72.

Tracy K, Wallace S.Benefits of peer support groups in the treatment of addiction.Substance Abuse and Rehabilitation. 2016;Volume 7(7):143-154. doi:10.2147/sar.s81535

Kala E.What is enabling: Enabling behaviors and resources. Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.

Pettersen H, Landheim A, Skeie I, et al.How social relationships influence substance use disorder recovery: A collaborative narrative study.Subst Abuse. 2019;13:1178221819833379. doi:10.1177/1178221819833379

Pettersen H, Landheim A, Skeie I, et al.How social relationships influence substance use disorder recovery: a collaborative narrative study.Subst Abuse. 2019;13:1178221819833379. doi:10.1177/1178221819833379

Isaacson EB.Chemical Dependency. Routledge; 2012. doi:10.4324/9780203729229

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