How to Recognize Emotional Blackmail and Protect Yourself

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsSpot the SignsThe Impact of Emotional BlackmailHow to Address ItEstablishing Boundaries

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Spot the Signs

The Impact of Emotional Blackmail

How to Address It

Establishing Boundaries

We all have that one person in our lives who pushes all our buttons. You know the one—they’re an expert atguilt trips, and instead of supporting our choices, they make us feel bad for putting our own needs first.

It could be a parent, partner, friend, or colleague—anyone who uses our emotions against us to get us to do what they want, even if it’s not the best thing for us.

This type of behavior is known as emotional blackmail. A form ofemotional abuse, emotional blackmail is a manipulation technique people use to assert power and control in relationships, says Ashley Peña, LCSW, Executive Director atMission Connection.

At a GlanceWhether it’s a controlling parent,a demanding boss, a manipulative partner, or a difficult friend, dealing with emotional blackmail can be nerve-wracking. Someone who is emotionally blackmailing you may try to stonewall, manipulate, guilt, shame, or threaten you into doing what they want you to do.However, it’s important to recognize this toxic behavior and take steps to address it. Setting healthy boundaries and sticking to them is key to protecting yourself and maintaining health relationships.

At a Glance

Whether it’s a controlling parent,a demanding boss, a manipulative partner, or a difficult friend, dealing with emotional blackmail can be nerve-wracking. Someone who is emotionally blackmailing you may try to stonewall, manipulate, guilt, shame, or threaten you into doing what they want you to do.However, it’s important to recognize this toxic behavior and take steps to address it. Setting healthy boundaries and sticking to them is key to protecting yourself and maintaining health relationships.

However, it’s important to recognize this toxic behavior and take steps to address it. Setting healthy boundaries and sticking to them is key to protecting yourself and maintaining health relationships.

Recognizing Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail can take many forms. Here are some of the different emotional blackmail tactics to watch out for.

Silent Treatment

The person mightstonewallyou and give you the silent treatment when you don’t do what they want.This is a passive-aggressive communication tactic that people use to gain the upper-hand.

For example, the person may stop talking to you or responding to your calls and texts. Although it doesn’t sound like such a big deal, it can be incredibly frustrating when it’s someone important to you.

Guilt Trips

The person may lay on a big, fat guilt trip, making you feel bad about prioritizing your own wants or needs above theirs. They may make you feel indebted to them, like you owe them something, even if that’s not necessarily the case.

For example, a parent or family member who doesn’t approve of your life choices may say something along the lines of: “After everything we’ve done for you, this is how you repay us?"

This tactic plays on our desire to please others. Those of us who areempathsmay be particularly susceptible to guilt trips.

Manipulation

Emotional blackmail can be pretty toxic, especially when it enters the realm ofmanipulation. The person may, for example, play the victim card in a given situation, making it seem like they’re suffering because of something you did, even when that is clearly not the case.

For example, a co-worker might say, “I can’t believe you won’t cover my shift. Now I’ll have to work late, and it’s all your fault.”

Exaggeration

The person might magnify their problems and try to make you feel responsible for their troubles, in order to get you to do what they want.

For example, Peña explains that a parent might say something like: “If you do that again, you’re going to be the reason why I lose my job and then we will have nothing.”

Shaming

The person might call you out about something in front of others to pressure you into doing what they want.

For example, if you made a small mistake in a memo, a colleague might make a big deal about it in a team meeting and use it to discredit your ideas.

Threat and Ultimatums

The person may threaten you or issueultimatumsif you don’t do what they want. You might feel like you have no choice but to do as they ask.

According to Peña, these are some threatening behaviors to watch out for:

Effective emotional blackmail often plays on some of our biggest fears—the blackmailer often knows where we are most vulnerable.

Why It Can Be Hard to Leave an Abusive Relationship

Research shows us that emotional blackmail can be just as harmful as physicalabusebecause it can be mentally and emotionally scarring.

In relationships, emotional blackmail is a form of abuse that can cause us to live in a constant state of guilt and fear, leading to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of identity and integrity, and difficulty connecting with other people, Peña explains.

In the workplace, emotional blackmail can cause us to give in to unreasonable demands and severely compromise our mental and physical well-being.

Emotionally blackmailing children can affect the development of their core beliefs in a way that negatively impacts their relationships and careers in adulthood, Peña adds.

Addressing Emotional Blackmail

These are some strategies that can help you address emotional blackmail:

Emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse, therefore, maintaining your physical safety is critical, says Peña.If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic abuse, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates. If you are in immediate danger, call911.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.988

Emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse, therefore, maintaining your physical safety is critical, says Peña.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic abuse, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates. If you are in immediate danger, call911.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

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These are some tips that can help you set boundaries to protect yourself against someone who uses emotional blackmail:

Conclusion

We know that emotional blackmail can be stressful and overwhelming. However, it’s important to stand up for yourself andset boundariesso that the person can’t manipulate you anymore.

Remember that you’re in charge of your life and your decisions, and no one can scare you or guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do. Although it can be difficult to walk away from a toxic situation, loved ones and mental health professionals can be a source of support and strength to rely on during this process.

How to Create Emotional Boundaries in Your Relationship

4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Ding C, Zhang J, Yang D.A pathway to psychological difficulty: perceived chronic social adversity and its symptomatic reactions.Front Psychol. 2018;9:615. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00615Mukhtar S.Public health aspects of domestic/intimate partner violence abuse and trauma (DIVAT) during COVID-19 quarantine: imbalanced power dynamic and sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse.Asia Pac J Public Health. 2023;35(4):301-303. doi:10.1177/10105395231164439Al-Kreimeen RA, Alghafary NA, Samawi FS.The association of emotional blackmail and adjustment to college life among warned female students at Al-Balqa University.Health Psychol Res. 2022;10(3):34109. doi:10.52965/001c.34109Lo WY, Lin YK, Lin CY, Lee HM.Invisible erosion of human capital: the impact of emotional blackmail and emotional intelligence on nurses' job satisfaction and turnover intention.Behav Sci (Basel). 2022;13(1):37. doi:10.3390/bs13010037

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Ding C, Zhang J, Yang D.A pathway to psychological difficulty: perceived chronic social adversity and its symptomatic reactions.Front Psychol. 2018;9:615. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00615Mukhtar S.Public health aspects of domestic/intimate partner violence abuse and trauma (DIVAT) during COVID-19 quarantine: imbalanced power dynamic and sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse.Asia Pac J Public Health. 2023;35(4):301-303. doi:10.1177/10105395231164439Al-Kreimeen RA, Alghafary NA, Samawi FS.The association of emotional blackmail and adjustment to college life among warned female students at Al-Balqa University.Health Psychol Res. 2022;10(3):34109. doi:10.52965/001c.34109Lo WY, Lin YK, Lin CY, Lee HM.Invisible erosion of human capital: the impact of emotional blackmail and emotional intelligence on nurses' job satisfaction and turnover intention.Behav Sci (Basel). 2022;13(1):37. doi:10.3390/bs13010037

Ding C, Zhang J, Yang D.A pathway to psychological difficulty: perceived chronic social adversity and its symptomatic reactions.Front Psychol. 2018;9:615. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00615Mukhtar S.Public health aspects of domestic/intimate partner violence abuse and trauma (DIVAT) during COVID-19 quarantine: imbalanced power dynamic and sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse.Asia Pac J Public Health. 2023;35(4):301-303. doi:10.1177/10105395231164439Al-Kreimeen RA, Alghafary NA, Samawi FS.The association of emotional blackmail and adjustment to college life among warned female students at Al-Balqa University.Health Psychol Res. 2022;10(3):34109. doi:10.52965/001c.34109Lo WY, Lin YK, Lin CY, Lee HM.Invisible erosion of human capital: the impact of emotional blackmail and emotional intelligence on nurses' job satisfaction and turnover intention.Behav Sci (Basel). 2022;13(1):37. doi:10.3390/bs13010037

Ding C, Zhang J, Yang D.A pathway to psychological difficulty: perceived chronic social adversity and its symptomatic reactions.Front Psychol. 2018;9:615. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00615

Mukhtar S.Public health aspects of domestic/intimate partner violence abuse and trauma (DIVAT) during COVID-19 quarantine: imbalanced power dynamic and sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse.Asia Pac J Public Health. 2023;35(4):301-303. doi:10.1177/10105395231164439

Al-Kreimeen RA, Alghafary NA, Samawi FS.The association of emotional blackmail and adjustment to college life among warned female students at Al-Balqa University.Health Psychol Res. 2022;10(3):34109. doi:10.52965/001c.34109

Lo WY, Lin YK, Lin CY, Lee HM.Invisible erosion of human capital: the impact of emotional blackmail and emotional intelligence on nurses' job satisfaction and turnover intention.Behav Sci (Basel). 2022;13(1):37. doi:10.3390/bs13010037

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At a Glance#

Recognizing Emotional Blackmail#

Silent Treatment#

Guilt Trips#

Manipulation#

Exaggeration#

Shaming#

Threat and Ultimatums#

Addressing Emotional Blackmail#

Conclusion#