Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsHistory of the TermWhen Do Demisexual People Feel Attraction to Others?Where Demisexuality Falls on the Sexuality SpectrumDemisexual vs. SapiosexualMisconceptions About DemisexualitySigns You’re DemisexualHow to Be Supportive of Demisexual People

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

History of the Term

When Do Demisexual People Feel Attraction to Others?

Where Demisexuality Falls on the Sexuality Spectrum

Demisexual vs. Sapiosexual

Misconceptions About Demisexuality

Signs You’re Demisexual

How to Be Supportive of Demisexual People

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A person who is demisexual experiencessexual attractiononly when they feel a true emotional bond with another person.

In other words, a demisexual person may not feel sexually attracted to a person they randomly see at a coffee shop, but if they were to start talking to that person and form an emotional connection, they might then become sexually attracted to them over time.

As is the case with any type of sexuality, there’s much room for nuance here. For that reason, any definition of demisexuality isn’t absolutely concrete. It’s up to the individual to truly define what their own sexuality looks like and how it presents itself.

History of the Term ‘Demisexual’

The earliest instance of the term demisexual dates back to 2006,when it was coined in the Asexuality Visibility & Education Network forums.

By 2008, the word ‘demisexuality’ had become more mainstream in the modern lexicon, likely as a result of others closely identifying with the term. Even somedating websitesallow users to select ‘demisexual’ as their sexual orientation.

“We are now learning that being open to fluidity with respect to lifestyle and preference is the best approach,” saidDr. Margaret Seide, a board-certified psychiatrist and faculty member at New York University.

When Does Someone Who Identifies as Demisexual Become Physically Attracted to Someone?

While it’s true that many people do want to experience anemotional connectionto another person before engaging in any sort of sexual intimacy, this isn’t considered the same thing as being demisexual.

A demisexual person doesn’t feel sexual attraction toward someoneuntilthey’ve bonded, whereas someone else might develop an emotional bond onlyafterthey’ve experienced that spark of sexual attraction.

The difference is that those who identify as demisexualcannotfeel attracted to people they don’t already have an emotional bond with or know on a deeper level. For example, a demisexual person wouldn’t find themselves attracted to a famously “sexy” celebrity or even a classically attractive person on the street—in other words, they tend not to feel that same intensity or longing the way others might.

Another way to look at it—a demisexual person doesn’t feel sexual attraction toward someoneuntilthey’ve bonded, whereas someone else might develop an emotional bond onlyafterthey’ve experienced that spark of sexual attraction.

Many demisexual people consider themselves to be on theasexualspectrum. While they may become attracted to another person over time, they don’t feel primary attraction, which is the initial attraction based on appearance, voice, or smell.However, other demisexuals feel that the term “asexuality” doesn’t fit their personal experience.

Demisexuality describes the circumstances in which a person experiences attraction. Who the person is attracted to can vary. Demisexuals may consider themselves heterosexual, bisexual, gay, lesbian, queer,polyamorous, orpansexual. Regarding gender, a demisexual person might identify as male, female, agender, or nonbinary.

Margaret Seide, MDWith something as complex and multi-layered as human sexuality, it makes sense that one word doesn’t capture someone’s full experience as a sexual being.

Margaret Seide, MD

With something as complex and multi-layered as human sexuality, it makes sense that one word doesn’t capture someone’s full experience as a sexual being.

Again, the primary difference that sets demisexuals apart from others is that they almost always (if not always) find themselves sexually attracted to a person only once they’ve bonded with them on a more intimate, emotional, orspirituallevel.

It’s also worth pointing out that a person might consider themselves demisexual at one point in their lives and feel differently at another point. People are ever-evolving and fluid.

“If that seems confusing, it may be because human sexuality is not easily labeled, defined, and put into a neat category,” Seide said. “With something as complex and multi-layered as human sexuality, it makes sense that one word doesn’t capture someone’s full experience as a sexual being.”

The Difference Between Demisexual and Sapiosexual

The terms demisexual and sapiosexual are sometimes conflated. Though somewhat similar, they are actually two very different terms.

A demisexual person is someone who feels sexual attraction to someone only once they’ve emotionally bonded, a sapiosexual person finds themselves especially attracted to someone they view as intelligent.

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So, Why Are the Terms Often Confused?

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Common Misconceptions About Demisexuality

Confusion about demisexuality is common. Many assumptions about demisexual persons are false:

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How to Know If You’re Demisexual

“[This current-day approach to sex] is so standard that it creates the need to define behavior that differs from that with a term like demisexual,” Dr. Seide said. “If you are only drawn to someone after you get to know their personality, their life story, and trust that person, you may be demisexual.”

Signs You May Be DemisexualIt’s possible that you’re demisexual if:You don’t feel sexually attracted to people unless you’ve gotten to know themIt takes you a while to develop feelings of attraction to someoneYou don’t enjoy casual sex or friends-with-benefits relationshipsYou prefer to take your time getting to know another person before getting involved romantically or sexually

Signs You May Be Demisexual

It’s possible that you’re demisexual if:You don’t feel sexually attracted to people unless you’ve gotten to know themIt takes you a while to develop feelings of attraction to someoneYou don’t enjoy casual sex or friends-with-benefits relationshipsYou prefer to take your time getting to know another person before getting involved romantically or sexually

It’s possible that you’re demisexual if:

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Maybe a friend casually mentioned that they identify as demisexual, or perhaps someone came to you in confidence to share this intimate detail about themselves. It could also be possible that someone you’reromanticallyinterested in has told you that they’re demisexual.

Whatever the case, it’s important to be sensitive, accepting, and patient.

It’s understandable if you’re not demisexual, but are dating someone who is, to feel hurt or slighted when sex is currently off the table. However, patience is vital to the ultimate success of your relationship, and it’s important to have a clear conversation about what your needs are and determine if the relationship is one you want to pursue.Above all, it’s important to respect the other person’s boundaries and keep communication clear and honest.

It’s understandable if you’re not demisexual, but are dating someone who is, to feel hurt or slighted when sex is currently off the table. However, patience is vital to the ultimate success of your relationship, and it’s important to have a clear conversation about what your needs are and determine if the relationship is one you want to pursue.

Above all, it’s important to respect the other person’s boundaries and keep communication clear and honest.

Demisexual and Pansexual

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Dictionary.com.Demisexual.GLAAD.Explore the spectrum: Guide to finding your ace community.

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Dictionary.com.Demisexual.GLAAD.Explore the spectrum: Guide to finding your ace community.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Dictionary.com.Demisexual.GLAAD.Explore the spectrum: Guide to finding your ace community.

Dictionary.com.Demisexual.

GLAAD.Explore the spectrum: Guide to finding your ace community.

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