How to Know If You Are an Abusive Spouse

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsSigns of Abusive BehaviorIssues Your Partner May Have RaisedTreatmentHow to Stop Abusive Behavior

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Signs of Abusive Behavior

Issues Your Partner May Have Raised

Treatment

How to Stop Abusive Behavior

You may think that the way you treat or talk to your spouse is normal, but there are times when this behavior may be damaging or evenabusive. Sometimes, it is hard to tell if you are, as you may not have the level of insight needed to think about your actions objectively. Or, you may think your behavior is “normal” because you grew up in a household where abusiveness, dysfunction, and negativity were normalized.

Abuse can occur verbally, mentally, and psychologically.It is not just thephysical version, also known as “domestic violence,” but also other forms ofdomestic abuseincludingverbal,emotional,financial, sexual, and cultural abuse.

Physical abuse may be more obvious, but the other forms of abuse are still very destructive to your marriage. It will undermine the trust, connection, and bond in your relationship for your marriage to succeed and be healthy.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

There are some signs that may help you better recognize abusive behavior patterns. If you are concerned that you might be engaging in abusive behavior, ask yourself the following questions:

Engaging in behaviors that are hurtful, damaging, or dismissive are signs of abuse. Recognizing these actions is the first step toward getting help and making a change.

Saving Your Relationship When Your Marriage Hurts

Has your partner complained to you about any of the following behaviors:

If your partner has raised such issues, it is important to consider how they feel and reflect on your own behavior. It may also be helpful to discuss these concerns together with a couples therapist.

If you answered yes to many of the questions above, you might want to consider talking to a mental health professional. Many different professionals can help you address these issues, including a licensed professional counselor,clinical social worker, psychologist, marriage and family therapist, or psychiatrist. If you’re unsure where to start looking, consider asking your primary care physician for a referral.

Get Help NowWe’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

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We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

You may find it helpful to start with individual therapy, where you can discuss your concerns and work on new coping skills. Eventually, you and your partner may then choose to talk to acouples therapisttogether.

The 10 Best Online Couples Therapy Services We Tried and Tested

A mental health professional can also recommend other tools, resources, and treatments that can help change aggressive or abusive behaviors. For example, they might suggest treatment options if you are also struggling with asubstance use issueand recommendanger management classesthat can help you develop new ways of dealing with feelings of anger and frustration.

RecapIf you are worried about your behavior and communication in your relationship, talk to a mental health professional. They can help you better understand your actions, find new ways of interacting and responding to your partner, and address other mental health issues that you might be experiencing.

Recap

If you are worried about your behavior and communication in your relationship, talk to a mental health professional. They can help you better understand your actions, find new ways of interacting and responding to your partner, and address other mental health issues that you might be experiencing.

How Marriage Counseling Can Save Your Relationship, According to Therapists

To improve your behavior and your relationship, it is important to be able to do an honest self-appraisal and be willing to seek help. Changing how you interact with your partner means letting go of the need to control them. It also means being able to reflect on your actions, take responsibility for your own behaviors, and understand how your actions were hurtful.

The change also means healing your own past hurts. This can be distressing and difficult, but it can also be cathartic and ensure that you do not continue to take out your past traumas on others.

Healing can be difficult. Giving it your full effort, showingcompassionto your partner, and learning new ways of behaving and communicating can help heal some of the past hurts you may have caused while protecting the future of your relationship.

A Word From Verywell

If you suspect your behaviors have been harmful or even abusive, just saying ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t enough. It’s important that you take complete responsibility for your actions and hold yourself accountable for any future behavior. Listen to your partner if they say you are acting in an abusive way and do what you need to do to change.

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.MedlinePlus.Domestic violence.Nemours Foundation.Abuse.Washington State Department of Social and Health Services.Types and signs of abuse.Karakurt G, Silver KE.Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: the role of gender and age.Violence Vict. 2013;28(5):804-821. doi:10.1891/0886-6708.vv-d-12-00041Sweet LP.The sociology of gaslighting.Am Socio Rev.2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.MedlinePlus.Domestic violence.Nemours Foundation.Abuse.Washington State Department of Social and Health Services.Types and signs of abuse.Karakurt G, Silver KE.Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: the role of gender and age.Violence Vict. 2013;28(5):804-821. doi:10.1891/0886-6708.vv-d-12-00041Sweet LP.The sociology of gaslighting.Am Socio Rev.2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

MedlinePlus.Domestic violence.Nemours Foundation.Abuse.Washington State Department of Social and Health Services.Types and signs of abuse.Karakurt G, Silver KE.Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: the role of gender and age.Violence Vict. 2013;28(5):804-821. doi:10.1891/0886-6708.vv-d-12-00041Sweet LP.The sociology of gaslighting.Am Socio Rev.2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843

MedlinePlus.Domestic violence.

Nemours Foundation.Abuse.

Washington State Department of Social and Health Services.Types and signs of abuse.

Karakurt G, Silver KE.Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: the role of gender and age.Violence Vict. 2013;28(5):804-821. doi:10.1891/0886-6708.vv-d-12-00041

Sweet LP.The sociology of gaslighting.Am Socio Rev.2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843

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