How to Initiate Sex With Your Partner

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

Why It’s Important

Confirm Their Consent

Be Vocal About Your Wants

Let Your Body Language Speak for You

Be Spontaneous

Schedule Time for Sex

Use Playful Communication

Dress the Part

Don’t Have Unrealistic Expectations

Close

Sex can be a pleasurable experience to share with a partner. From foreplay and teasing to the exploration of physical touch, sexual intimacy can bring you closer as a couple.But, for some people, not knowing how to initiate sex (or being uncomfortable doing so) can stop them from taking this step in their relationship.

Some hesitate to initiate sex because they fear rejection. Others worry about coming on too strong and throwing off the vibe or saying and doing the wrong things, making things feel awkward. All too often, it can be tempting to leave it to a partner totake the first step toward sexual intimacy.

At a GlanceHaving ahealthy sex lifecan be important for both your well-being and your relationship. Taking steps to pursue sex provides benefits for you, your partner, and your relationship. Learn what those benefits are, as well as how to initiate sex with greater confidence and ease.

At a Glance

Having ahealthy sex lifecan be important for both your well-being and your relationship. Taking steps to pursue sex provides benefits for you, your partner, and your relationship. Learn what those benefits are, as well as how to initiate sex with greater confidence and ease.

Why Is It Important to Initiate Sex?

Sex can be much more than just a physical interaction between partners. For people in relationships, this activity helpsboost emotional intimacyand may even provide relief from daily stress.

“Making an effort to initiate physical touch, sex, and intimacy with your partner is an intentional practice for maintaining and deepening connection and closeness in a relationship,” saysIvy Kwong, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in relationships and intimacy. “Taking the initiative communicates desire, intimacy, and an active investment in shared connection.”

By initiating sex, you can show your care and willingness to tend to each other’s needs andfantasies, which can contribute to a sense of emotional closeness and promote open communication about desires and boundaries.—IVY KWONG, LMFT

By initiating sex, you can show your care and willingness to tend to each other’s needs andfantasies, which can contribute to a sense of emotional closeness and promote open communication about desires and boundaries.

—IVY KWONG, LMFT

Some studies have connected sex with improved mental health, especially when going through challenging times. For instance, one piece of research found that people who remained sexually active during the COVID-19 lockdown reported lower levels of depression and anxiety.

In addition to being beneficial for emotional and physical well-being, connected sex canimprove your self-esteem.For partners with significant others that initiate sex, the knowledge that your lover finds you desirable and wants to show their desire in sensual and sexual ways can be incredibly affirming.

How to Initiate SexIf you’re not usually the one to initiate sex and begin to do so, this can be rejuvenating in the relationship and jump-start excitement between partners, especially in the wake of a dry spell. There are several steps you can take to help reduce your discomfort with pursuing your partner sexually. Here’s how to initiate sex confidently and with less stress:Confirm consentExpress what you wantUsebody languageBe spontaneousMake time for sexUse playful communicationTry spicy textsDress the partHave realistic expectations

How to Initiate Sex

If you’re not usually the one to initiate sex and begin to do so, this can be rejuvenating in the relationship and jump-start excitement between partners, especially in the wake of a dry spell. There are several steps you can take to help reduce your discomfort with pursuing your partner sexually. Here’s how to initiate sex confidently and with less stress:Confirm consentExpress what you wantUsebody languageBe spontaneousMake time for sexUse playful communicationTry spicy textsDress the partHave realistic expectations

If you’re not usually the one to initiate sex and begin to do so, this can be rejuvenating in the relationship and jump-start excitement between partners, especially in the wake of a dry spell. There are several steps you can take to help reduce your discomfort with pursuing your partner sexually. Here’s how to initiate sex confidently and with less stress:

An important factor in any form of physical intimacy is consent. Partnersbeing in agreement to engage sexuallyis an essential first step.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, assumptions are not always accurate. Partners may not be on the same page about their interest, readiness, or openness to sex. While you may be ready to go, your partner may be tired, worried about a looming deadline, or simplyuninterested in sexat that point in time.

How to Confirm Consent

Consent is sexy. The knowledge that you and your partner are on similar levels of desire can add extra heat in intimate moments.

Asking if your partner is comfortable with the pace or the act itself shouldn’t be shied away from. If they are silent, appear to hesitate, or seem unsure about intercourse in that moment, it is important torespect their boundaries.

It’s always a good time to remind your partner how much they mean to you. This can be shared any time—when initiating sex, during sex, and even after sex.

Expressing your desire for your partnernon-verballyis a great way to build heat and communicate sexual interest. It’s also a good way to let them know that you want them if you’renot comfortable talking about sexand saying what you want.

Brush against them in the hallway, take a moment to run your fingers through their hair, or pull them close for a nuzzle. These are all easy ways to let your partner know that you’re available for and interested in physical intimacy.

You can also initiate things slowly. Massaging your partner,kissing them intimately, or hugging them deeply are all inviting possibilities for beginning further sensual and sexual exploration.

Individuals in long-term relationships often report that, over time, non-verbal cues become the primary way ofcommunicating sexual needs, more so than verbalcommunication.

If your partner enjoys spontaneity, you can indulge their preference. Impromptu physical moves like slowly unbuttoning their clothing or grabbing their hand in the middle of the day and leading them to the bedroom can both lead to spontaneous sexual activity.

Spur-of-the-moment sex can be initiated and enjoyed in different locations at home, in the car, or in other safe and private places.Being spontaneous with your partnercan be a fun and exciting way to keep things steamy.

Because consent is a priority, it’s important that you don’t cross your partner’s boundaries or push them into doing something they don’t want to do. Discussing whether they would enjoy this type of approach before initiating any spontaneous activity is a good first step.

Also, pay attention tonon-verbal cuesin your partner when being spontaneous, such as if they appear tense, have a grimace on their face, or develop a worried expression. Being attuned to their responses is crucial in making sure you are respecting their boundaries.

While spontaneity can be exciting, scheduling time for sex is something that plenty of couples do to prioritize physical intimacy. This can be especially helpful if you both lead busy lives and often find that your sexual relationship suffers because of it.

A mutual effort to initiate sex and physical intimacy can help create a balanced dynamic where both partners feel desired, valued, and empowered within the relationship—IVY KWONG, LMFT

A mutual effort to initiate sex and physical intimacy can help create a balanced dynamic where both partners feel desired, valued, and empowered within the relationship

There’s another reason to pre-schedule your sexual sessions. Doing so can help create anticipation when you put it on the calendar,increasing your sex drivesignificantly as the day and time approaches.

If you’ve been wondering how to initiate sex subtly, you might try coming up with playful ways to signal your interest and availability to your partner. Maybe you wear a certain piece of jewelry that lets them know you’re in the mood, or you put a note on their dresser or on the bed where they’ll see it.

You can even have a designated fridge magnet that you put into position when you’re wanting intimacy with your partner. Have fun and get creative!

If you’re easing into the idea of initiating sex, a tame place to begin is with texts. You could begin with an innocent, “Can’t wait to see you tonight!” to give them something to look forward to after work. If you’re feeling more risqué, you might even go into some detail about your plans for them later in the day.

Wherever your comfort level is, the important thing is to build excitement and desire with your partner. When you lust for each other, this helpsboost your sexual chemistry—a factor that has been linked to great sex.

Words aren’t always necessary when sending signs that you are feeling sexy. Sometimes, you can let your outfit do the talking.

Wear lingerie, let your partner know you don’t have on any underwear, or wear clothing that you simply feel attractive in. These are all ways to send suggestive messages for playtime later.

While wearing a sexy outfit, you may alsorole-play with your partneras a fun way to initiate sex.

It’s important not to put pressure on yourself or your partner when it comes to having sex. There will be times when one of you doesn’t want it and the other does.

Be understanding and compassionate with each other and respect each other’s space. Try not to take it personally if your partner isn’t the mood. There areother ways to build intimacythat you can practice when sex isn’t an option.

What This Means For You

Sex should be an enjoyable, freeing act between two consenting adults. It’s understandable to want to take pleasure in this activity without always waiting for your partner to lead the way.

7 Surprising Ways to Make Your Relationship Even Better

7 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Yoo H, Bartle-Haring S, Day RD, Gangamma R.Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction.J Sex Marital Ther. 2014;40(4):275-293. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076Mollaioli D, Sansone A, Ciocca G, et al.Benefits of sexual activity on psychological, relational, and sexual health during the COVID-19 breakout.J Sex Med. 2021;18(1):35-49. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.10.008Graugaard C.Sexuality as a health-promoting factor — theoretical and clinical considerations.Nature Rev Urology. 2017;14:577-578. doi:10.1038/nrurol.2017.117Vowels LM, Roos CA, Mehulić J, O’Dean SM, Sánchez-Hernández MD.What does it mean to be responsive to a partner’s sexual needs? Toward a definition of sexual need responsiveness.Arch Sex Behav. 2022;51(8):3735-3747. doi:10.1007/s10508-022-02432-2Gunst A, Ventus D, Arver S, et al.A randomized, waiting-list-controlled study shows the brief, mindfulness-based psychological interventions are effective for treatment of women’s low sexual desire.J Sex Res. 2019;56(7):913-929. doi:10.1080/00224499.2018.1539463Walker AM, Lutmer A.Caring, chemistry, and orgasms: Components of great sexual experiences.Sex Culture. 2023. doi:10.1007/s12119-023-10087-x

7 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Yoo H, Bartle-Haring S, Day RD, Gangamma R.Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction.J Sex Marital Ther. 2014;40(4):275-293. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076Mollaioli D, Sansone A, Ciocca G, et al.Benefits of sexual activity on psychological, relational, and sexual health during the COVID-19 breakout.J Sex Med. 2021;18(1):35-49. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.10.008Graugaard C.Sexuality as a health-promoting factor — theoretical and clinical considerations.Nature Rev Urology. 2017;14:577-578. doi:10.1038/nrurol.2017.117Vowels LM, Roos CA, Mehulić J, O’Dean SM, Sánchez-Hernández MD.What does it mean to be responsive to a partner’s sexual needs? Toward a definition of sexual need responsiveness.Arch Sex Behav. 2022;51(8):3735-3747. doi:10.1007/s10508-022-02432-2Gunst A, Ventus D, Arver S, et al.A randomized, waiting-list-controlled study shows the brief, mindfulness-based psychological interventions are effective for treatment of women’s low sexual desire.J Sex Res. 2019;56(7):913-929. doi:10.1080/00224499.2018.1539463Walker AM, Lutmer A.Caring, chemistry, and orgasms: Components of great sexual experiences.Sex Culture. 2023. doi:10.1007/s12119-023-10087-x

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Yoo H, Bartle-Haring S, Day RD, Gangamma R.Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction.J Sex Marital Ther. 2014;40(4):275-293. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076Mollaioli D, Sansone A, Ciocca G, et al.Benefits of sexual activity on psychological, relational, and sexual health during the COVID-19 breakout.J Sex Med. 2021;18(1):35-49. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.10.008Graugaard C.Sexuality as a health-promoting factor — theoretical and clinical considerations.Nature Rev Urology. 2017;14:577-578. doi:10.1038/nrurol.2017.117Vowels LM, Roos CA, Mehulić J, O’Dean SM, Sánchez-Hernández MD.What does it mean to be responsive to a partner’s sexual needs? Toward a definition of sexual need responsiveness.Arch Sex Behav. 2022;51(8):3735-3747. doi:10.1007/s10508-022-02432-2Gunst A, Ventus D, Arver S, et al.A randomized, waiting-list-controlled study shows the brief, mindfulness-based psychological interventions are effective for treatment of women’s low sexual desire.J Sex Res. 2019;56(7):913-929. doi:10.1080/00224499.2018.1539463Walker AM, Lutmer A.Caring, chemistry, and orgasms: Components of great sexual experiences.Sex Culture. 2023. doi:10.1007/s12119-023-10087-x

Yoo H, Bartle-Haring S, Day RD, Gangamma R.Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction.J Sex Marital Ther. 2014;40(4):275-293. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072

van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076

Mollaioli D, Sansone A, Ciocca G, et al.Benefits of sexual activity on psychological, relational, and sexual health during the COVID-19 breakout.J Sex Med. 2021;18(1):35-49. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.10.008

Graugaard C.Sexuality as a health-promoting factor — theoretical and clinical considerations.Nature Rev Urology. 2017;14:577-578. doi:10.1038/nrurol.2017.117

Vowels LM, Roos CA, Mehulić J, O’Dean SM, Sánchez-Hernández MD.What does it mean to be responsive to a partner’s sexual needs? Toward a definition of sexual need responsiveness.Arch Sex Behav. 2022;51(8):3735-3747. doi:10.1007/s10508-022-02432-2

Gunst A, Ventus D, Arver S, et al.A randomized, waiting-list-controlled study shows the brief, mindfulness-based psychological interventions are effective for treatment of women’s low sexual desire.J Sex Res. 2019;56(7):913-929. doi:10.1080/00224499.2018.1539463

Walker AM, Lutmer A.Caring, chemistry, and orgasms: Components of great sexual experiences.Sex Culture. 2023. doi:10.1007/s12119-023-10087-x

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