On This Page:ToggleSelf-RegulationSelf-AwarenessSocial SkillsHelping Others
On This Page:Toggle
On This Page:
Emotional intelligence(EI or EQ) is the ability to identify and regulate our own emotions as well as recognize, understand, and engage with the emotions of others (Goleman, 1996).
EI is a critical skill to build stronger and empathetic relationships, and it helps connect with our deepest feelings, allowing us to make decisions more aligned with our values and personal goals.
Even though some individuals might naturally be more emotionally intelligent than others, high EI can be developed with time through regular practice.
1. Self-Regulation
Self-regulation is the ability to manage emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in ways that support personal goals and well-being.
Self-regulation is essential for navigating challenges, achieving goals, and maintaining healthy relationships.
Emotional awareness
When experiencing uncomfortable emotions, we might have the tendency to ignore them or bottle them up rather than accept them as a normal and sometimes useful part of our life.
Leaning into our uncomfortable emotions can give us the opportunity to deal with our feelings productively, increasing our self-awareness and ability to introduce positive changes in our lives (Bradberry and Greaves, 2009).
By exploring with curiosityour full range of emotions, we can gain a more objective view of the person we are and how our feelings are influencing our actions.
To see things from a wider perspective, we can also open up to feedback from others, asking about specific situations where we acted with poor emotional awareness.
Knowing what situations are triggering is critical for developing the ability to manage our emotional reactions and maintain calm.
We can use a diary to also identify the sources of stress or write down a list that includes:
This will help us anticipate our stressors and then think about ways to put in place strategies to handle our emotions more appropriately.
Identify the emotions
Learning to label emotions with more specific vocabulary can help identify more precisely the type of emotional state we are experiencing and feel more in control of our responses (David, 2016).
Primary emotions are innate, universal, and relatively short-lived, including happiness, sadness, anger, fear, disgust, and surprise.
They are associated with specific physiological and behavioral patterns.
Examples might include shame, guilt, pride, envy, and jealousy.
By recognizing, for example, that sadness differs from boredom or a sense of loneliness; we can become better able to pinpoint our emotions and manage them effectively.
Emotions often occur in intricate combinations. For example, jealousy is presented as a variant of anger that also incorporates elements of sadness and fear.
Recognizing how your thoughts influence your feelings can provide insights into the root causes of your emotional responses.
For example, if you notice yourself feeling anxious, exploring the thoughts that precede or accompany this feeling can help you understand what’s triggering the anxiety.
Channel emotions in a healthy way
Once we develop greater openness towards our emotions, it is also important to learn how to use them to our advantage rather than letting them control us.
The first step is to avoid judging our emotions and labeling them as good or bad. Instead, we should recognize them as powerful sources of information that can be used to drive our actions toward what matters to us (Bradberry and Greaves, 2009).
Mindfulnessencourages us to view our thoughts as passing mental events rather than absolute truths.
We learn to simply observe them without getting caught up in their content or letting them dictate our reactions.
This detachment from our thoughts can lead to a more objective and insightful understanding of our internal dialogue and its influence on our emotions and behaviors.
Refocusing our attention on things under our control and can be improved also allows us to not feel trapped in a downward emotional spiral and engage in more committed actions.
To give our minds a break, we should also prioritize scheduling activities in our routines that make us feel mentally recharged. These may include exercise, yoga, meditation, or other relaxing activities for the mind.
Deep breathing practices can strengthen the circuitry that manages the amygdala’s reactivity, making individuals less susceptible toemotional hijackingand promoting quicker recovery from emotional upset.
Deep breathing can serve as an anchor for attention, helping to bring awareness to the present moment and cultivate a sense of groundednes.
Breathwork can contribute to greater emotional resilience, enabling individuals to recover more quickly from emotional challenges and maintain a more balanced emotional state.
Box breathing
Delay gratification
Delaying gratification is fundamental to a wide range of efforts, from maintaining a healthy diet to pursuing higher education.
Remember that the discomfort of waiting is temporary, but the benefits of self-control are lasting.
The stoplight method is a simple self-control technique that uses the familiar traffic light colors:
🔴 Red: STOP – Pause when you feel an impulse. Take a deep breath.
🟡 Yellow: THINK – Consider the consequences of your choice and alternative actions. Ask yourself:
🟢 Green: CHOOSE – Make a mindful decision to either:
2. Self-Awareness
Mindfulness meditation:
Mindfulnessencourages a shift in perspective, moving away from the constant “doing” mode of daily life and towards a state of “being” where we become more present and attuned to our internal experiences.
This shift in focus allows us to observe our thoughts and feelings without judgment, fostering greater self-awareness.
Increased self-awareness through mindfulness allows us to recognize the early signs ofemotional arousal, giving us more time to choose a skillful response rather than reacting impulsively.
Regular mindfulness exercises can strengthen the neural circuits responsible for emotional regulation and improve your ability to recognize your emotional state in the moment.
By becoming more aware of our habitual reactions, we can consciously choose alternative behaviors that better align with our values and goals.
Through mindfulness, we become more aware of our habitual reactions to challenging situations.
We might notice that we tend to withdraw when we feel overwhelmed, become defensive when we feel criticized, or lash out when we feel frustrated
Introspection and journaling:
Journaling offers a private and non-judgmental space to explore our emotions without fear of external evaluation or criticism. This sense of safety can encourage greater honesty and depth in our reflections.
Journaling can be a helpful tool for exploring your emotional landscape, identifying patterns in your reactions, and gaining insights into the underlying causes of your emotions.
By reflecting on our emotional responses in writing, we can challenge unhelpful thought patterns, reframe situations, and develop more adaptive coping strategies.
Seeking feedback:
This external perspective can illuminate blind spots in our self-perception, revealing aspects of ourselves that we might not readily recognize through introspection alone
Seek feedback from trusted sources whose opinions you value.
3. Social Skills
Practice active listening:
Active listeningis about hearing beyond people’s words. It involves fully attuning to what is being communicated, including the content of the message and the attitude that underlies it (Rogers and Farson, 1957).
To effectively practice active listening, controlling external and internal distractions is essential. In particular, managing the internal chatter in our minds and resisting the need to plan our responses will allow us to be fully present in the moment and sharpen our listening skills (Lunenburg, 2010).
Paying attention to another’s body language, as well as the tone and speed of their voice, can help identify the speaker’s emotional state at that moment and any messages beyond what they are saying.
To practice active listening, it is important to let the other person’s train of thought flow without interruptions, as this will facilitate open communication and create a climate of trust and acceptance.
By truly listening and engaging with others, you can build stronger connections and improve your ability to respond sensitively to their needs.
Perspective-taking:
Practice putting yourself in other people’s shoes to develop your ability to understand their point of view.
Consider their backgrounds, experiences, and motivations to gain a deeper understanding of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
This can enhance your empathy and improve your ability to navigate social situations with greater sensitivity.
How to encourage emotional intelligence in others
It’s essential to approach these strategies with empathy, patience, and respect for individual differences. Emotional intelligence is a journey, not a destination, and everyone progresses at their own pace.
By modeling, creating supportive environments, and offering guidance, we can empower others to embark on this path of self-discovery and emotional growth.
Modeling Emotional Intelligence
This involves consistently demonstrating self-awareness, self-management, empathy, and strong social skills in our interactions with others. By embodying these qualities, we create a ripple effect, inspiring and motivating others to develop their own EI.
Creating a Supportive Environment
A supportive and encouraging environment can play a crucial role in fostering emotional intelligence in others.
Providing Feedback and Guidance
Offering constructive feedback and guidance can be instrumental in helping others develop their emotional intelligence.
Frequently asked questions
Does emotional intelligence tend to improve with age?Emotional intelligence is not fixed but rather a set of skills that can be learned and improved upon throughout life.This implies that age alone doesn’t guarantee EI growth; active effort and learning are crucial.
Does emotional intelligence tend to improve with age?
Emotional intelligence is not fixed but rather a set of skills that can be learned and improved upon throughout life.This implies that age alone doesn’t guarantee EI growth; active effort and learning are crucial.
Emotional intelligence is not fixed but rather a set of skills that can be learned and improved upon throughout life.
This implies that age alone doesn’t guarantee EI growth; active effort and learning are crucial.
What problems can result from low emotional intelligence?Low EImanifests with difficulty dealing with our own feelings and relating to the emotional experiences of others (Goleman, 1996).Being emotionally disconnected may result in uncontrolled and impulsive behaviors, such as emotional outbursts, insensitive responses, or blaming others, all of which can compromise the quality of our relationships.Ignoring other people’s feelings can also increase the risk of conflicts if the conversations are too closed, self-centered and foster misunderstandings (Hansen, 2015).Ultimately, low EI may result in a reduction of a person’s social circle and level of emotional support, with detrimental effects on mental health and well-being.
What problems can result from low emotional intelligence?
Low EImanifests with difficulty dealing with our own feelings and relating to the emotional experiences of others (Goleman, 1996).Being emotionally disconnected may result in uncontrolled and impulsive behaviors, such as emotional outbursts, insensitive responses, or blaming others, all of which can compromise the quality of our relationships.Ignoring other people’s feelings can also increase the risk of conflicts if the conversations are too closed, self-centered and foster misunderstandings (Hansen, 2015).Ultimately, low EI may result in a reduction of a person’s social circle and level of emotional support, with detrimental effects on mental health and well-being.
Low EImanifests with difficulty dealing with our own feelings and relating to the emotional experiences of others (Goleman, 1996).
Being emotionally disconnected may result in uncontrolled and impulsive behaviors, such as emotional outbursts, insensitive responses, or blaming others, all of which can compromise the quality of our relationships.
Ignoring other people’s feelings can also increase the risk of conflicts if the conversations are too closed, self-centered and foster misunderstandings (Hansen, 2015).
Ultimately, low EI may result in a reduction of a person’s social circle and level of emotional support, with detrimental effects on mental health and well-being.
Can you have a high IQ but low emotional intelligence?ThoughIQ and EIare sometimes related, they represent two separate constructs that might present with different levels of development in the same person.Having a strong ability to analyze and interpret situations (often associated with a high IQ) does not necessarily translate into the ability to read other people’s emotions or attend to emotional cues.Similarly, the ability to find rational solutions to problems might not manifest in social situations where strong EI skills are needed to manage conflict and reach a compromise (Goleman, 2020).
Can you have a high IQ but low emotional intelligence?
ThoughIQ and EIare sometimes related, they represent two separate constructs that might present with different levels of development in the same person.Having a strong ability to analyze and interpret situations (often associated with a high IQ) does not necessarily translate into the ability to read other people’s emotions or attend to emotional cues.Similarly, the ability to find rational solutions to problems might not manifest in social situations where strong EI skills are needed to manage conflict and reach a compromise (Goleman, 2020).
ThoughIQ and EIare sometimes related, they represent two separate constructs that might present with different levels of development in the same person.
Having a strong ability to analyze and interpret situations (often associated with a high IQ) does not necessarily translate into the ability to read other people’s emotions or attend to emotional cues.
Similarly, the ability to find rational solutions to problems might not manifest in social situations where strong EI skills are needed to manage conflict and reach a compromise (Goleman, 2020).
Can emotional intelligence be taught to others?
Considering the increasingly important role of EI in academic and work success, as well as inmanaging stress and lifetransitions, there is a growing interest in teaching emotional intelligence to teenagers and students.
In a classroom environment, incorporating training focused on enhancing assertive communication and managing negative self-talk can result in an improvement in EI skills (Chang, 2006).
In addition, students who show the greatest benefit from EI programs are also more likely to persist with their studies in the future (Qualter et al., 2009).
Sources
Atkins, P., & Stough, C. (2005). Does emotional intelligence change with age. InSociety for Research in Adult Development annual conference, Atlanta, GA.
Bradberry, T., & Greaves, J. (2006).The emotional intelligence quick book: Everything you need to know to put your EQ to work. Simon and Schuster.
Bradberry, T., & Greaves, J. (2009).Emotional Intelligence 2.0. TalentSmart.
Carstensen, L. L., Pasupathi, M., Mayr, U., & Nesselroade, J. R. (2000). Emotional experience in everyday life across the adult life span.Journal of personality and social psychology,79(4), 644.
Chang, K. B. (2006). Can we teach emotional intelligence?.
Ciarrochi, J., Deane, F. P., & Anderson, S. (2002). Emotional intelligence moderates the relationship between stress and mental health.Personality and individual differences,32(2), 197-209.
David, S. (2016).Emotional agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. Penguin.
Fariselli, L., Ghini, M., & Freedman, J. (2008). Age and emotional intelligence.Six Seconds: The Emotional Intelligence Network, 1-10.
Goleman, D. (1996).Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Bloomsbury Publishing.
Goleman, D. (2020).Emotional intelligence. Bloomsbury Publishing.
Hansen, S. (2015). “10 Things High EQ People Don’t Do.”Lifehack.Web.
Hess, J. D., & Bacigalupo, A. C. (2011). Enhancing decisions and decision‐making processes through the application of emotional intelligence skills.Management decision.
Lin, D. T., Liebert, C. A., Tran, J., Lau, J. N., & Salles, A. (2016). Emotional intelligence as a predictor of resident well-being.Journal of the American College of Surgeons,223(2), 352-358.
Lunenburg, F. C. (2010). Communication: The process, barriers, and improving effectiveness.Schooling,1(1), 1-10.
Magnano, P., Craparo, G., & Paolillo, A. (2016). Resilience and Emotional Intelligence: which role in achievement motivation.International Journal of Psychological Research,9(1), 9-20.
Petrovici, A., & Dobrescu, T. (2014). The role of emotional intelligence in building interpersonal communication skills.Procedia-Social and Behavioral Sciences,116, 1405-1410.
Qualter, P., Whiteley, H., Morley, A., & Dudiak, H. (2009). The role of emotional intelligence in the decision to persist with academic studies in HE.Research in Post‐Compulsory Education,14(3), 219-231.
Rogers, C. R., & Farson, R. E. (1957).Active listening(p. 84). Chicago, IL: Industrial Relations Center of the University of Chicago.
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Sara ViezzerBSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc in Applied NeuropsychologySara Viezzer is a graduate of psychological studies at the University of Bristol and Padova. She has worked as an Assistant Psychologist in the NHS for the past two years in neuroscience and health psychology. Sara is presently pursuing a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology at the South London and Maudsley NHS Foundation Trust.
Sara ViezzerBSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc in Applied Neuropsychology
Sara Viezzer
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc in Applied Neuropsychology
Sara Viezzer is a graduate of psychological studies at the University of Bristol and Padova. She has worked as an Assistant Psychologist in the NHS for the past two years in neuroscience and health psychology. Sara is presently pursuing a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology at the South London and Maudsley NHS Foundation Trust.
