How to Heal an Avoidant Attachment Style, According to a Relationship Coach

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsIdentify Your Patterns to Break ThemFeel Safe With IntimacyA Path Ahead for Secure Relationships

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Identify Your Patterns to Break Them

Feel Safe With Intimacy

A Path Ahead for Secure Relationships

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If you have an avoidant attachment style, there’s a tendency to nurture insecure relationships that enable emotional distance. The level of closeness needed to deepen a relationship may feel liketoo much, causing you to feel shut down and overwhelmed. However, change is possible. Let’s explore the origins of the avoidant attachment style and explore ways to heal and overcome its challenges in adulthood.

They Still Aren’t Responding…So Are They Avoidant or Just Not That Into You?

Babies are born with an innate biological need to attach to their caregivers.Not only does depending on others maximize our evolutionary ability to survive, but it also provides safety and protection. When we are sad, fearful, and crying out in distress, we are motivated to reach out to our caregivers with proximity-seeking behaviorsto seek reassurance, comfort, touch, and quality time. How our caregivers respond to our vulnerable stress forms ourattachment style.

When caregivers respond consistently, this creates asecure attachment stylewhere we believe we will be taken care of and can safely extend that trust to the world.

If our primary caregivers are consistently emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to our needs, we feel like it’s not safe to reach out to them for physical and emotional connection, which this leads to low trust and high avoidance of others.An avoidantly attached person subsequently learned how to fend for themselves and deactivate their proximity-seeking behavior which causes aloofness, alienation, and self-reliance.

As an avoidant dater, you have no problem being single. You may crave love but you’re afraid of letting someone get too close so you abandon others before you areabandoned. There might be a deep, flawed belief you are damaged and defective because you may not have had enough childhood experiences where your lovability felt consistent and true.

Over time, you may distance yourself from others and focus on developing a strong sense of self. As a result, you may dismiss the importance of relationships to managefears of intimacyand pre-emptively strike off rejection. The good news is your avoidance is not a fundamental part of who you are, but a way of being that can be deconstructed and rebuilt to support healthier and happier relationships.

As an avoidant dater, you likely come across as autonomous, confident, assured, and easy-going. You know who you are, what you like, and can be low-maintenance because you prefer to take care of your own problems.

Since there is a struggle to share feelings and thoughts with others (out of a fear of being controlled, abandoned, or not wanting to rely on others), you might have to put conscious effort into staying engaged since your reflex is to pull away, which may lead to a history of shallow, short-lived relationships rather than deep, intimate, long-term commitments.

Here’s a common example: You’ve been seeing someone for a few months and they want to define the relationship. You may really like them but still feel an intense desire to push them away, which leads to hurt and confusion in your partner.

Some distancing tactics look like:

The healing happens when you override these old instincts and do things differently than you ever have before. You can choose to open up about your fears, insecurities, and needs and build up yourwindow of tolerancefor attachment so you can be present as connection builds. Over time, you won’t feel like you need to emotionally retreat when you can feel safe being close, state your boundaries and have them honored, and share your needs and have them met.

This looks like saying, “I value what we have and want to be honest about what’s coming up for me emotionally. As you want more, I feel this urge to pull away from you. I’m working on this part of myself and could use your support. Can we talk about this, take things slowly, and check in with each other so we can understand where we are coming from? All of this is hard for me to say, so I appreciate your patience.”

Avoidant people are typically drawn to anxious people because these styles are prone to playing games with each other instead of dating as their authentic selves. At first glance, this attraction stems from the complementary qualities each person possesses:

While this dynamic can provide an opportunity for growth, it can be challenging for competing insecure attachments to maintain a healthy relationship unless their self-awareness and communication are exceptionally strong.

Healing aninsecure attachment style—avoidant, anxious, or fearful-avoidant—requires “earning” a secure attachment style. As I mentioned in my last column abouthealing an anxious attachment style, this happens through emotionally corrective experiences which occur through inner work, reflection, therapy, coaching, and relationships.

While it’s great to seek out a securely attached partner who can function as a safe haven, it’s essential to still cultivate these skills. The point is to achieve balance instead of having a partner fill in the gaps so you can find a fulfilling relationship with someone who complements rather than completes you.

Here are some key areas to work on:

Focus On Yourself Emotionally

Learn how to sit with the discomfort of being in your emotions with techniques such as breathwork,mindfulness, journaling, and grounding. This can also look like getting help from a therapist and nurturing a self-care routine that enables you to connect with your internal landscape. By building up youremotional intelligence, awareness, and capacity, you can welcome unconditional self-love to reduce feelings of shame.

Practice Self-Compassion

Once you’ve identified how your avoidant behaviors manifest, allow yourself grace, care, and understanding when old stories come up. It takes time to change ingrained behaviors, so accept it’s OK to have your feelings while you learn to pursue a different, secure response.

Speak to yourself the way you hope a loved one will speak to you with unconditional, loving, and compassionate language. Celebrate your progress when you’re able to stay present, feel what you’re feeling, and communicate.

Express Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Often, there’s a desire to bury your emotions and unpack them alone–if at all. It is important to practice processing your emotions and then sharing your thoughts with your partner when you’re ready. It’s vital to let your partner know this is not a rejection but you need time to tap into your vulnerability. Check in and have ongoing communication as intimacy develops gradually.

Accept Your Desire of Solitude

Your avoidant patterns like your independence and self-directness can be a beautiful part of your personality–when balanced. It may feel shameful to acknowledge how muchalone timeyou need which leads to you wanting it even more. To respect your need for independence, proactively speak to your partner about what that looks like. Perhaps it’s taking certain vacations on your own or requiring the mornings for your routine. Accept these urges without making a story out of them.

Commit in Relationships

In the past, you may have believed that committing to a partner would intrude your freedom. This doesn’t have to be the case. With clear communication, you can work with your partner to create a heart-centered relationship where your desire for space and security are accepted. By moving towards this truth, you can feel more comfortable staying and fighting for a relationship instead of looking for a way out.

Have a Support System

Keep in Mind

By embracing your worthiness of love and acknowledging that you deserve to feel close to others, you can craft a coherent story that isn’t mixed with anxiety and fear. You can transcend the limitations of your past experiences and find satisfaction in your most dear relationships.

What Avoidant Attachment Looks Like in a Relationship

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Sullivan R.M.The neurobiology of attachment to nurturing and abusive caregivers.Hastings Law J. 2012;63(6):1553-1570.Health (UK) NCC for M.Introduction to Children’s Attachment. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE); 2015.Sagone E, Commodari E, Indiana ML, La Rosa VL.Exploring the association between attachment style, psychological well-being, and relationship status in young adults and adults—a cross-sectional study.Eur J Investig Health Psychol Educ. 2023;13(3):525-539.

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Sullivan R.M.The neurobiology of attachment to nurturing and abusive caregivers.Hastings Law J. 2012;63(6):1553-1570.Health (UK) NCC for M.Introduction to Children’s Attachment. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE); 2015.Sagone E, Commodari E, Indiana ML, La Rosa VL.Exploring the association between attachment style, psychological well-being, and relationship status in young adults and adults—a cross-sectional study.Eur J Investig Health Psychol Educ. 2023;13(3):525-539.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Sullivan R.M.The neurobiology of attachment to nurturing and abusive caregivers.Hastings Law J. 2012;63(6):1553-1570.Health (UK) NCC for M.Introduction to Children’s Attachment. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE); 2015.Sagone E, Commodari E, Indiana ML, La Rosa VL.Exploring the association between attachment style, psychological well-being, and relationship status in young adults and adults—a cross-sectional study.Eur J Investig Health Psychol Educ. 2023;13(3):525-539.

Sullivan R.M.The neurobiology of attachment to nurturing and abusive caregivers.Hastings Law J. 2012;63(6):1553-1570.

Health (UK) NCC for M.Introduction to Children’s Attachment. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE); 2015.

Sagone E, Commodari E, Indiana ML, La Rosa VL.Exploring the association between attachment style, psychological well-being, and relationship status in young adults and adults—a cross-sectional study.Eur J Investig Health Psychol Educ. 2023;13(3):525-539.

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