How to Have Difficult Talks About Your Marriage

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhy Difficult Talks Are ImportantCheck Your ExpectationsUnderstand Your MotivationsEmbrace the RealityHow to BeginChoose the Right Time and PlaceApproach With Sensitivity and ClarityFrequently Asked Questions

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Why Difficult Talks Are Important

Check Your Expectations

Understand Your Motivations

Embrace the Reality

How to Begin

Choose the Right Time and Place

Approach With Sensitivity and Clarity

Frequently Asked Questions

Close

Issues inevitably arise in any marriage or relationship, and people often avoid the difficult conversations surrounding them. But having those hard talks is key to getting through challenges together. In fact, research consistently ranks good communication as one of the elements that most successful long-term relationships share.Here are a few tips for having the hard conversations that no one wants to have—but that everyone must.

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Why Difficult Talks About Your Marriage Are So Important

Pretending nothing is wrong will likely cause you and your partner to walk on eggshells around each other—and if you can’t communicate with each other, you won’t know how to act around each other, either. The result: A relationship that feels unauthentic.

Having a difficult marriage talk shows your partner that you care enough about your relationship to risk discomfort.

Moreover, unresolved problems tend to crop back up, and over time, cause bitterness and resentment, If you disagree on how toparent your children, argue about money, or face any of the othercommon marriage issues,nottalking about them isn’t going to make them disappear—and then anger and contempt are likely to accompany them when they rear up again. Ultimately, ignoring your issues can evencause your marriage to fail.

RecapMutual respect and honest conversations build intimacy and trust. The more you practice having these conversations, the more you strengthen your relationship.

Recap

Mutual respect and honest conversations build intimacy and trust. The more you practice having these conversations, the more you strengthen your relationship.

Meeting a problem head-on and deciding how you want to proceed together as a unified front can foster cooperation, respect, and emotional intimacy. Before you jump into a hard conversation, consider what you want to say, how you should say it, and what you expect. Here are a few steps to make the process easier.

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Look at Your Expectations

If you expect the conversation to go badly, it probably will. If you assume that having a big talk will make the situation worse, it probably will. Instead, define yourexpectationsof the conversation in positive terms.Envision what you’d like to happen.

Know why you want to have the talk. Do you want to gain a better understanding of your partner’s perspective? Clear up a misunderstanding? Discuss a suspected lie or hurtful behavior? Or maybe you’re concerned about yourlevel of intimacywith one another and would like to be closer. Whatever the issue, thinking this through will help you approach the situation with honesty and respect.

Accept that the conversation will be uncomfortable. You’ll both probably be defensive and emotional, so take some time to formulate what you want to say before you say it.Think about how your words are likely to be received and how you might answer. This way, you can respond from a place of logic rather than impulsivity and emotion.

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How to Begin the Conversation

Avoid saying “can we talk?” or “we have to talk,” which can be alarming for your partner. Consider these openers instead:

RecapConsider how the conversation will go before you begin and approach it in a positive, non-confrontational way. Be direct and focused, but be sure to make it clear that it is a conversation and not an argument.

Consider how the conversation will go before you begin and approach it in a positive, non-confrontational way. Be direct and focused, but be sure to make it clear that it is a conversation and not an argument.

Keep these tips in mind as you figure out when and where to have your discussion.

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These types of talks can get emotional quickly. To keep the conversation productive:

Once you reach an agreement you both can live with, set a time to follow up and check in with each other on the issue you discussed.

Know when to get help. If the issue or situation continues to create problems in your marriage, consider enlisting the help of acounselor or a mediator.

A Word From Verywell

Although these conversations can be difficult, they’re essential for your relationship’s health and future. However, if these conversations are consistently unproductive, or you can’t resolve ongoing problems, try talking to a professional counselor individually or as a couple.

Get Help NowWe’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Frequently Asked QuestionsSome questions to consider before getting married are:How will we handle disagreements and conflict resolution?How will we manage our finances (do we want a prenuptial agreement)?Will both of us or only one of us work/have a career after marriage?Will we have kids and if so, how many?How do we want to parent our children?Will we move after we get married (i.e., moving into a house from an apartment)?How will we handle any religious/spiritual differences?You can talk to a mental health professional like a therapist or a spiritual or religious leader. It can also be helpful to confide in a trusted family member or friend about marriage problems.However, be sure that this person won’t divulge the contents of your conversation to your partner. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide that you are talking to a trusted person or therapist, but your partner should not be left feeling like you are talking about them behind their back.Share with each other what makes you feel the most loved and respected. For instance, ask your partner what their love language is. Talk about your expectations for your relationship, and where you both see yourselves in the future. Learn each other’s boundaries and how to be respectful of them.Learn More:What Are the Five Love Languages?

Some questions to consider before getting married are:How will we handle disagreements and conflict resolution?How will we manage our finances (do we want a prenuptial agreement)?Will both of us or only one of us work/have a career after marriage?Will we have kids and if so, how many?How do we want to parent our children?Will we move after we get married (i.e., moving into a house from an apartment)?How will we handle any religious/spiritual differences?

Some questions to consider before getting married are:

You can talk to a mental health professional like a therapist or a spiritual or religious leader. It can also be helpful to confide in a trusted family member or friend about marriage problems.However, be sure that this person won’t divulge the contents of your conversation to your partner. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide that you are talking to a trusted person or therapist, but your partner should not be left feeling like you are talking about them behind their back.

You can talk to a mental health professional like a therapist or a spiritual or religious leader. It can also be helpful to confide in a trusted family member or friend about marriage problems.

However, be sure that this person won’t divulge the contents of your conversation to your partner. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide that you are talking to a trusted person or therapist, but your partner should not be left feeling like you are talking about them behind their back.

Share with each other what makes you feel the most loved and respected. For instance, ask your partner what their love language is. Talk about your expectations for your relationship, and where you both see yourselves in the future. Learn each other’s boundaries and how to be respectful of them.Learn More:What Are the Five Love Languages?

Share with each other what makes you feel the most loved and respected. For instance, ask your partner what their love language is. Talk about your expectations for your relationship, and where you both see yourselves in the future. Learn each other’s boundaries and how to be respectful of them.

Learn More:What Are the Five Love Languages?

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Koraei A, Khojaste Mehr R, Sodani M, Aslani K.Identification of the factors contributing to satisfying stable marriages in women.Family Counseling and Psychotherapy. 2017;6(2):129-164.Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: Difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728Foley GN, Gentile JP.Nonverbal communication in psychotherapy.Psychiatry (Edgmont). 2010;7(6):38-44.Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: a study protocol.BMC Public Health.2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Koraei A, Khojaste Mehr R, Sodani M, Aslani K.Identification of the factors contributing to satisfying stable marriages in women.Family Counseling and Psychotherapy. 2017;6(2):129-164.Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: Difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728Foley GN, Gentile JP.Nonverbal communication in psychotherapy.Psychiatry (Edgmont). 2010;7(6):38-44.Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: a study protocol.BMC Public Health.2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Koraei A, Khojaste Mehr R, Sodani M, Aslani K.Identification of the factors contributing to satisfying stable marriages in women.Family Counseling and Psychotherapy. 2017;6(2):129-164.Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: Difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728Foley GN, Gentile JP.Nonverbal communication in psychotherapy.Psychiatry (Edgmont). 2010;7(6):38-44.Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: a study protocol.BMC Public Health.2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735

Koraei A, Khojaste Mehr R, Sodani M, Aslani K.Identification of the factors contributing to satisfying stable marriages in women.Family Counseling and Psychotherapy. 2017;6(2):129-164.

Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: Difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728

Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728

Foley GN, Gentile JP.Nonverbal communication in psychotherapy.Psychiatry (Edgmont). 2010;7(6):38-44.

Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: a study protocol.BMC Public Health.2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735

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