Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Is an Open Marriage?Do Your ResearchConfirm It’s What You Both WantCommunicate Your Goals TogetherEstablish Rules and BoundariesCheck-In RegularlyPrioritize Your Spouse as Needed

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What Is an Open Marriage?

Do Your Research

Confirm It’s What You Both Want

Communicate Your Goals Together

Establish Rules and Boundaries

Check-In Regularly

Prioritize Your Spouse as Needed

Close

It was once a taboo concept that couples felt they had to keep private, but times have changed; open marriages have grown to encompass between 4% and 9% of total relationships in the United States.

There are plenty of reasons why a couple might decide to open their marriage, and it’s totallyOK and healthy when the decision is made ethically and as a team. But when they do, it’s important to follow some simple steps to keep the relationship strong while sleeping with other people.

We’ll dig into everything you need to know about opening your marriage, setting healthy boundaries, and how to make sure everyone feels seen and supported.

An open marriage is a form ofethical non-monogamy(ENM). Unlike other forms of ENM, such aspolyamory, that seek to establish additional partners in a relationship, open marriages are generally focused on outside sexual connections only.

Though couples may establish together that it’s acceptable to pursueromanticand/or emotional connections in addition to sexual ones, a key point of open marriage (or anyopen relationship) is the prioritization of the primary relationship over any other connections.

Here are a few ways to research open marriages:

Do You Know What Love Really Is?

Once both you and your partner feel completely aware of and comfortable with, what an open marriage entails, you should speak with each other to confirm that it feels right for both of you. If only one of you is fully on board, it will not work.

If you talk together and one or both of you feel unsure about whether opening your marriage is the right step to take, it can be helpful to speak to a couples therapist together.

You’ll want to find a therapist who is affirming of non-monogamous relationship models, which there areonline resourcesfor.

How Couples Therapy Can Improve Your Relationship

Now that you’ve done your research and you’ve both confirmed that opening your marriage feels like the right choice for you, you’ll want to communicate your goals with one another.

Every elements of an open marriage requiresopen communicationwith your primary partner, so this step is a helpful one to get you into the habit of talking more often about the relationship.

Listen to and Affirm Your Partner

This is a new topic, and it should feel exciting. Because of that, it may be tempting to want to talk a lot about your own goals. Instead, however, this is an excellent opportunity to learn how to listen to, and affirm, your partner.

When they make a point, it’s helpful to affirm it with a statement such as “I heard you say…” and then summarize what you think they said. This should go both ways, and your partner should also listen closely to and affirm what you say about your goals.

Agree on Your Goals

Once you’ve both shared what you want out of this new dynamic, it’s vital that you both agree. If one of you has a goal that the other doesn’t share, things won’t work well.

You’ll want to pare your goals down to ones you agree on, even if that means that at first, you don’t get everything you ultimately want out of this new arrangement.

Once you’ve agreed on your goals together, it’s helpful to repeat them back to one another so each of you is fully clear about them. If one or both of you don’t have excellent memories, you may want to put these agreed-upon goals down in writing.

This next step is perhaps the most important one of all (save for, of course, actually following the rules and boundaries that you create together).

In order for an open marriage to be successful, you’ll need to work together to decide the rules you’ll both follow to ensure one another’s emotional and physical safety.

Physical Safety

Physical safety has a few different meanings in this context. Here are the ways that it should be established together.

Emotional Boundaries

As mentioned, open marriages are often more about outside physical connections than romantic or emotional ones. However, it’s up to you and your partner to decide what will and won’t be allowed while connecting with others.

These are a few questions you’ll want to answer together:

Time Investments

It’s vital to decide together how much time each of you will spend with others. There is no right answer here; you may see other people nightly, or once a year, or anywhere in between.

You should each express how much, or how little, you want to engage with people outside of your relationship, and agree on a time amount that feels right for both of you.

The Quality Time Love Language and Your Relationship

Once you’ve begun seeing other people, your communication with your spouse isn’t over! In fact, it should remain as frequent and consistent as it was before you opened your marriage.

Check-ins don’t need to always be conversations at home in a therapy-style setting. You can check-in at a dinner out, at a park, or anywhere else that makes you feel connected to your spouse.

No matter how much fun you have with other people, you’ll always want to keep the importance of your primary relationship in mind.

There may be an ebb and flow as one or both of you is excited about someone new, or when one of you has a breakup. But there are certain situations, such as if your loved one becomes ill, where in order to be successful in the primary relationship, you defer to it as needed.

Your partner’s birthdays, holidays, family dinners, important medical visits, and disciplining children are all examples of when one should prioritize their spouse over any secondary relationships.

An open marriage is not the easiest relationship model, but many people find it highly rewarding. With these tools, you’ll be setting yours up for success.

Final thoughts

An open marriage may be a good choice for a couple, but it should not be used to try andsave a marriage. If you feel your marriage is heading towardsdivorce, there are many better things to try, such as seekingcouples counselingwith your spouse. Opening your marriage will only add complications to an already difficult situation.

Quiz: Am I Polyamorous?

1 SourceVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Zuckerman A.30 Open Marriage Statistics. 2020/2021 Demographics, Popularity and Health Risks. Compare Camp.

1 Source

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Zuckerman A.30 Open Marriage Statistics. 2020/2021 Demographics, Popularity and Health Risks. Compare Camp.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Zuckerman A.30 Open Marriage Statistics. 2020/2021 Demographics, Popularity and Health Risks. Compare Camp.

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