How to Handle Unwanted Advice by Setting Boundaries

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It’s best to set boundaries in a way that takes into account the individual’s underlying reasons for doing what they’re doing to avoid unnecessaryconflictand more stress.

Why People Give Unwanted Advice

People who repeatedly give unwanted advice can be well-meaning and genuinely want to help. It’s important to take that possibility for what it is, as there truly may not be more to someone’s intention than that.

Under the guise of altruism, people may be driven to give you unwanted advice because it makes them feel powerful or in control, helping to abate their chronic psychological distress. They may not be fully aware of this drive, however.

These people may also display a problematic degree of emotional vulnerability, becoming upset very quickly, expressing emotions dramatically, and/or taking a long time to calm down. It is possible that their emotions were only validated in childhood when they were at their loudest, encouraging them to adopt responses to discomfort that are hyperbolic in most situations.

Tips for Responding

When someone is giving advice in order to make themselves feel more powerful, there is underlying anxiety to their behavior that recipients of the advice tend to pick up on. It can be tempting in this situation to react harshly to the advice giver and to accuse them of being manipulative, but this approach might backfire.

If the act of giving advice is contributing actively to someone’s feelings of self-worth, an outright rejection may be perceived as a threat, activating theirfight-or-flight response, possibly causing them to double-down on their validation-seeking behavior or leading to a larger conflict.

Take space from the situation so that you can respond from a nonreactive place. When you feel that you can do that, validate their advice in order to create an atmosphere of emotional security.

To do this while proactively communicating a boundary around further advice, you might say something like, “Thanks for the idea. I have my own plan for handling this, but I really appreciate your perspective and will take it into consideration. Can I let you know when I need help in the future?”

If you have trouble setting boundaries without being reactive, prioritize working on your own ability to self-regulate. As uncomfortable as it may make you to continuously receive unwanted advice, if you can respond with compassion, the situation will likely diffuse much faster.

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A Word From Verywell

When the person giving you advice is simply doing it out of the goodness of their heart and truly has no other underlying motives, taking this same approach can be helpful. Remember that you can simultaneously appreciate someone’s caring nature while respecting your own comfort level.

How to Develop Self-Compassion

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.5 Things You Should Know About Stress. National Institute of Mental Health.Feng B, Magen E.Relationship closeness predicts unsolicited advice giving in supportive interactions.J Soc Pers Relat. 2016;33(6):751-767. doi:10.1177/0265407515592262Schaerer M, Tost L, Huang L, Gino F, Larrick R.Advice Giving: A Subtle Pathway to Power.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 2018;44(5):746-761. doi:10.1177/0146167217746341Orehek E, Vazeou-Nieuwenhuis A, Quick E, Weaverling G.Attachment and Self-Regulation.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 2017;43(3):365-380. doi:10.1177/0146167216685292Overall N, McNulty J.What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships?.Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;13:1-5. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002Additional ReadingOrehek E, Vazeou-nieuwenhuis A, Quick E, Weaverling GC.Attachment and Self-Regulation.Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2017;43(3):365-380. doi: 10.1177/014616721668529

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.5 Things You Should Know About Stress. National Institute of Mental Health.Feng B, Magen E.Relationship closeness predicts unsolicited advice giving in supportive interactions.J Soc Pers Relat. 2016;33(6):751-767. doi:10.1177/0265407515592262Schaerer M, Tost L, Huang L, Gino F, Larrick R.Advice Giving: A Subtle Pathway to Power.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 2018;44(5):746-761. doi:10.1177/0146167217746341Orehek E, Vazeou-Nieuwenhuis A, Quick E, Weaverling G.Attachment and Self-Regulation.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 2017;43(3):365-380. doi:10.1177/0146167216685292Overall N, McNulty J.What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships?.Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;13:1-5. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002Additional ReadingOrehek E, Vazeou-nieuwenhuis A, Quick E, Weaverling GC.Attachment and Self-Regulation.Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2017;43(3):365-380. doi: 10.1177/014616721668529

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

5 Things You Should Know About Stress. National Institute of Mental Health.Feng B, Magen E.Relationship closeness predicts unsolicited advice giving in supportive interactions.J Soc Pers Relat. 2016;33(6):751-767. doi:10.1177/0265407515592262Schaerer M, Tost L, Huang L, Gino F, Larrick R.Advice Giving: A Subtle Pathway to Power.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 2018;44(5):746-761. doi:10.1177/0146167217746341Orehek E, Vazeou-Nieuwenhuis A, Quick E, Weaverling G.Attachment and Self-Regulation.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 2017;43(3):365-380. doi:10.1177/0146167216685292Overall N, McNulty J.What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships?.Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;13:1-5. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002

5 Things You Should Know About Stress. National Institute of Mental Health.

Feng B, Magen E.Relationship closeness predicts unsolicited advice giving in supportive interactions.J Soc Pers Relat. 2016;33(6):751-767. doi:10.1177/0265407515592262

Schaerer M, Tost L, Huang L, Gino F, Larrick R.Advice Giving: A Subtle Pathway to Power.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 2018;44(5):746-761. doi:10.1177/0146167217746341

Orehek E, Vazeou-Nieuwenhuis A, Quick E, Weaverling G.Attachment and Self-Regulation.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 2017;43(3):365-380. doi:10.1177/0146167216685292

Overall N, McNulty J.What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships?.Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;13:1-5. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002

Orehek E, Vazeou-nieuwenhuis A, Quick E, Weaverling GC.Attachment and Self-Regulation.Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2017;43(3):365-380. doi: 10.1177/014616721668529

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