The loss of a close friend can be just as devastating and emotionally challenging as the end of a romantic relationship. Both can leave you feeling heartbroken, confused, and lost, sending shockwaves through your support system and impacting your sense of self.
However,friendship breakupscome with less societal acknowledgment and support than romantic breakups. The pain of losing a friend is often dismissed, leaving you to shoulder the weight of grief alone. This can be the case even if your friend betrayed youor was toxic.
Psychologist and friendship expert Dr. Marisa G. Franco explains that:
“friendship breakups are so hard because we don’t get the same permission to process grief around a friendship. We grieve in community; others acknowledge the weight of our loss, and it helps us heal. But when they don’t–we develop disenfranchised grief that lingers.”
Additionally, friendship breakups are usually unexpected. Thus, while we often expect and brace ourselves for the devastation after romantic breakups, we are not usually prepared for the pain following friendship breakups.
Case study:
Below are 10 ways in which you can start to process and get over a friendship breakup:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Recognizing and accepting your emotions surrounding the friendship breakup is the first step in processing them.
Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions without judgment, whether it is sadness, anger, loneliness, confusion, guilt, or relief. Do not judge yourself for feeling “too much”–your emotions are valid and deserve space.
Dr. Marisa G. Franco explains that:
“it is important to recognize our loss and validate our feelings. We must acknowledge our friendship endings as significant and process them as such.”
Suppressing or denying your emotionscan:
2. Allow Yourself Time to Grieve
Acknowledging the value and influence of friendship on our lives allows us to create the time and space needed to fully grieve friendships that have ended.
It is normal to grieve the loss of a friendship. Just like with any significant loss, give yourself permission to mourn the relationship and the memories associated with it.
Allow yourself to:
Grieving is a gradual process–take as much time as you need to heal. There is no right or wrong timeline for healing, so be patient with yourself and do not pressure yourself to “get over it” quickly.
3. Reflect on the Friendship
Take time to reflect on the friendship and the reasons why it ended.
This can help you gain insight into patterns or behaviors that contributed to its demise, allowing you to uncover valuable insights and lessons for future relationships.
Take note of what you have learned from the experience and how it has shaped you as a person. Write down your reflections in a journal or discuss them with a trusted friend or therapist.
Ask yourself questions such as:
4. Seek Support
Seeking support from others can provide comfort, validation, and perspective. Talking about your feelings provides an emotional release and valuable advice.
Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist, who can offer empathy, understanding, and guidance.
Consider joining a support group or online community for people who have experienced friendship breakups. This can help you feel less alone and provide valuable insights and coping strategies.
Social media is a great way to connect with others who have similar experiences to yours. Try doing a relevant search on TikTok, Instagram, or Twitter (e.g., searching hashtags).
Please note that social media can provide connection, but be mindful of getting sucked into doom scrolling that leaves you feeling worse. Set a timer while browsing to stay centered on what serves you best.
While grieving,social support and technological connectedness has been foundto enhance quality of life and protect against mental health issues.
“we can discern who to express ourselves to and find support from people who understand that friendship loss, too, can be devastating.”
Marisa also explains that, when others validate and understand our loss, it helps us heal.
5. Focus on Self-Care and Self-Compassion
Furthermore, challenge any negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself or the situation. Avoid self-criticism, and instead accept and forgive yourself.
Remind yourself of your strengths and worthiness of love, care, support, and friendship.
6. Set Boundaries
Establish boundaries to protect yourself from further hurt or negativity related to the friendship breakup.
This may involve:
Reflecting on boundaries you might have missed in the friendship can empower you to protect your well-being in future relationships and have healthier relationships moving forward:
Setting boundaries is not about punishing the other person but about taking care of yourself and honoring your own needs and priorities.
7. Practice Forgiveness
Practicing forgiveness helps you to release resentment, anger, and bitterness.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the former friend or condoning their actions. But it does involve letting go of negative emotions for your own peace of mind so that you can move forward.
Forgiving yourself for any perceived role in the friendship’s demise is also important.
Tips for practicing forgiveness:
Forgiveness can be a gradual process and may take time, but it ultimately leads to greater emotional freedom and healing.
8. Find Meaning in the Experience
Look for personal growth opportunities that may have emerged from the friendship breakup. Reflect on the lessons you have learned, the strengths you have developed, and the ways in which you have grown as a person.
Use the experience as an opportunity to:
Additionally, explore new hobbies, interests, or goals that bring fulfillment and joy into your life.
By reframing the experience as a catalyst for personal growth and transformation, you can find meaning and purpose in the aftermath.
9. Focus on Positive Relationships
This boost in survival odds is similar to what you would get from quitting smoking. Additionally, it is even more significant than factors like obesity or not getting enough exercise. Thus, having good friends can be just as important for your health as making healthy lifestyle choices.
By focusing on positive relationships, you can build a strong support network and create a fulfilling and enriching social life:
10. Stay Open to New Connections
It is natural to feel hesitant or guarded after experiencing a friendship breakup. However, staying open to new friendships and connections can lead to rewarding and meaningful relationships in the future.
Be willing to step out of your comfort zone and meet new people who share your interests, values, and passions.
Attend social events, workshops, or classes where you can meet like-minded individuals and expand your social circle. You could also join social groups or clubs based on shared interests and values.
Do not let the negativity of this experience close you off to future friendships. While caution is understandable, not everyone will repeat the negative patterns you experienced.
Signs to End a Friendship
Below are some reasons why you may choose to end a friendship:
References
Breit, C. (2018, September 24). Why ending a friendship can be worse than a breakup. TIME.https://time.com/5402304/friendship-breakups-worse-romantic/
Dr. Marisa G. Franco. (2022, October 28). Why it’s so hard to grieve friend breakups – Dr. Marisa G. Franco. Dr. Marisa G. Franco.https://drmarisagfranco.com/why-its-so-hard-to-grieve-friend-breakups/
Happiness.com. (2023a, September 21). How to get over a friendship breakup: 7 steps.https://www.happiness.com/magazine/relationships/how-to-get-over-friendship-breakup/
Hitching, G. (2023, November 6). 12 steps to get over a friendship breakup (Effectively!). Science of People.https://www.scienceofpeople.com/friendship-breakup/
Holt‐Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic review. PLOS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
How to get over a friendship breakup | Relate. (n.d.).https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/how-get-over-friendship-breakup
Omni Help. (n.d.). How to stop obsessing over a lost friendship.https://omnihelp.com/en-US/b/how-t-stop-obsessing-over-a-lost-friendship
Srivastava, S., Tamir, M., McGonigal, K., John, O. P., & Gross, J. J. (2009). The social costs of emotional suppression: A prospective study of the transition to college. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(4), 883–897.https://doi.org/10.1037/a0014755
Vanderwerker, L. C., & Prigerson, H. G. (2004). SOCIAL SUPPORT AND TECHNOLOGICAL CONNECTEDNESS AS PROTECTIVE FACTORS IN BEREAVEMENT. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 9(1), 45–57.https://doi.org/10.1080/15325020490255304
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Haddi BrowneMental Health Writer, Mental Health Researcher, ProofreaderEducation BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Mental Health StudiesMiss Haddi Browne is a freelance mental health writer and proof-reader with over seven years of experience working as a professional researcher with a diverse range of clients across the lifespan, including young adults with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression.
Haddi BrowneMental Health Writer, Mental Health Researcher, ProofreaderEducation BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Mental Health Studies
Haddi Browne
Mental Health Writer, Mental Health Researcher, Proofreader
Education BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Mental Health Studies
Miss Haddi Browne is a freelance mental health writer and proof-reader with over seven years of experience working as a professional researcher with a diverse range of clients across the lifespan, including young adults with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression.
