Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsSigns You’re Being Verbally AbusedUnderstanding Intent Behind Verbal AbuseHow to Handle Verbal AbuseWhat to Do If Verbal Abuse Doesn’t Stop
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Signs You’re Being Verbally Abused
Understanding Intent Behind Verbal Abuse
How to Handle Verbal Abuse
What to Do If Verbal Abuse Doesn’t Stop
Verbal abuse can take a major toll on self-esteem, mental health, and well-being. Understanding how to recognize it is the first step toward getting help and healing from the harm it has caused.
How to Identify and Cope With Emotional Abuse
If any of the above is occurring in one of your relationships, you are likely experiencing verbal abuse. Forms of verbal abuse that you might recognize include:
The easiest way to tell if you’re being verbally abused is based on how you feel after your interactions with someone.
If you’re engaging with another person in a healthy, affirming way, then chances are your relationship with them is a healthy one.
If when you engage with someone else you leave the situation (whether occasionally or often) feeling put down,sad,ashamed,guilty, or otherwise distressed, that’s a good sign that they aren’t being very kind to you, and may even be behaving in a verbally abusive manner towards you.
It’s important to note that verbal abuse can occur unintentionally. The decision to behave harmfully does not need to be present in order for someone to be abusive.
Someone might not want to be intentionally hurting you, but that does not mean that it isn’t abuse.
For example, a person might think their words and insults are toughening you up or making you stronger.
They may like you and not know how to deal with those feelings or envy you. Or it may have nothing to do with you at all, and you happen to be a verbally abusive person. But, again, the intent is irrelevant to the outcome in this situation.
Whatever their intentions are, the effects are the same. Verbal abuse damages self-esteem.It destroys relationships and has lasting effects on well-being. Even if someone “doesn’t mean to hurt you,” they are hurting you. It’s not acceptable, which is why it’s so important to protect yourself and walk away from the relationship if necessary.
Unfortunately, statistics suggest that verbal abuse is a common problem. In the U.S. 61 million women and 53 million men report experiencing psychological aggression from an intimate partner at some point during their lives.
There’s no doubt about it: handling verbal abuse can seem overwhelming. It’s particularly hard when it comes from someone close to you. However, finding ways to protect yourself is crucial.
It’s important to call out the behavior and set boundaries, whether or not the harm is intentional. There are several ways to handle verbal abuse. It’s helpful to start with the first step and continue through the others as needed.
Handling verbal abuse isn’t about trying to change the other person. That’s not your job. Instead, the goal is to take control of how you respond and ensure you have the safety and support you need to safeguard your emotional well-being.
Call Out Abusive Behavior
The first and most important step to take when you are being verbally abused is to name it out loud. This should be done directly with the person if it is safe for you to do so. If the person verbally abusing you is in a position of power over you, such as your boss, it might not be safe to call it out to them directly.
In that case, you’ll want to discuss it with a neutral party who is safe, such as a supervisor or other superior who is not your boss.
When it is safe to do so, the easiest way to call out abusive behavior directly is to calmly let the person know that something they’ve said has landed badly for you. Using"I feel" statementsis a way to clearly explain your feelings without making themdefensive.
You can say things such as:
When calling out verbal abuse, you’ll want to be very clear with the person who has hurt you. Letting them know what they said, how it made you feel and why it wasn’t an acceptable exchange.
Use Clear Language to Demand That the Behavior Stop
It may be tempting to speak gently when asking for abuse to stop, especially if you are afraid of repercussions. Your best bet, though, is to be clear and firm in your request.
“I need you to stop saying xx because it makes me feel yy” is a good example of a clear way to communicate that you want the verbally abusive behavior to stop.
The more clear you are in your request, the less easy it is for someone else to deny that they are behaving abusively. Remember, someone who is verbally abusive may have no idea that they’re behaving that way, and it may not be intentional.
Calling it out could be an emotional or upsetting experience for them, making it all the more vital that you are in a safe situation and not at risk of bodily harm, losing your job, or anything else.
Don’t Engage With the Abuse
When someone is nasty to us, it’s natural to want to be mean back. This will only serve to escalate verbal abuse, and it will give your abuser a reason to accuse you of being the abusive one. Since you don’t want that, do your best to not engage directly with the abuse.
Remain Calm, If Possible
It’s tough when someone is provoking us to remain calm. But that’s the best way to deal with an abusive person since you being upset (or even emotional) can escalate the situation.
If you aren’t sure how to stay calm, you cantake deep breathswhen engaging with this person, to calm you down before you speak.
Set Firm Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t just a matter of telling someone they can’t behave a certain way towards you. In order for boundaries to be effective at changing behavior, whether your own or anyone else’s, there needs to be consequences attached to them.
Setting firm boundarieswith clear, simple consequences is an important next step when you are dealing with verbal abuse. One example is, “If you speak to me like that again I will leave.” Another would be. “I don’t want to be called names. If you call me a name again, I won’t talk to you anymore.”
Enforce Those Boundaries
When setting boundaries, do not choose any consequences you aren’t fully prepared to stick to. Boundaries are meaningless if they aren’t enforced.
When your boundary is crossed, do your best to remain calm as you explain the situation. An example of how to do this is, “I told you that if you talked to me like that again I would leave. Since you just did what I asked you not to, I need to go now.”
Actually leaving after saying that, even if the person asks or begs you not to go, is imperative for your boundary to have meaning.
In a perfect world, the act of letting someone know their behavior is hurtful to you would be enough to make it stop for good. Unfortunately, this often isn’t the case.
Verbal abuse may continue even if you call it out, remain calm, request it not happen, and set and enforce boundaries around it. Here are your options for what to do in that case.
Walk Away
You want to do all you can to remain calm and not engage. However, when you return to the situation, try not to engage with the person again.
End the Relationship If Possible
When boundaries and walking away have had no effect on verbal abuse, if possible,you can simply end the relationship.
It might be more difficult to end this if the person verbally abusing you is at your workplace or lives with you. But if it’s a partner, friend, acquaintance, or anyone else that your life or livelihood isn’t depending on, be clear that you are unable to move forward with the relationship due to the verbal abuse.
Seek Help
If you can’t end a relationship with a verbal abuser because of circumstances beyond your control, or if the abuser won’t leave you alone and proceeds to harass orstalkyou after you end the relationship, you’ll want to involve outside help.
Support for Verbal AbuseVerbal abuse is a legitimate and real form of abuse, so seeking help from an abuse organization can guide you in the most appropriate direction.Day One Hotlineis one provider of phone help for victims of verbal abuse.That’s Not Coolalso has a 24-hour hotline, and can guide you to other organizations if they aren’t the right fit. You deserve to be safe from verbal abuse, so be sure to reach out for help if needed.
Support for Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse is a legitimate and real form of abuse, so seeking help from an abuse organization can guide you in the most appropriate direction.Day One Hotlineis one provider of phone help for victims of verbal abuse.That’s Not Coolalso has a 24-hour hotline, and can guide you to other organizations if they aren’t the right fit. You deserve to be safe from verbal abuse, so be sure to reach out for help if needed.
3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Toska A, Saridi M, Christakis A, et al.Frequency and impacts of verbal abuse on healthcare workers in a secondary healthcare structure in Greece.Cureus. 2023;15(2):e35406. doi:10.7759/cureus.35406Yun JY, Shim G, Jeong B.Verbal abuse related to self-esteem damage and unjust blame harms mental health and social interaction in college population.Sci Rep. 2019;9(1):5655. doi:10.1038/s41598-019-42199-6Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Intimate partner violence prevention.
3 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Toska A, Saridi M, Christakis A, et al.Frequency and impacts of verbal abuse on healthcare workers in a secondary healthcare structure in Greece.Cureus. 2023;15(2):e35406. doi:10.7759/cureus.35406Yun JY, Shim G, Jeong B.Verbal abuse related to self-esteem damage and unjust blame harms mental health and social interaction in college population.Sci Rep. 2019;9(1):5655. doi:10.1038/s41598-019-42199-6Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Intimate partner violence prevention.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Toska A, Saridi M, Christakis A, et al.Frequency and impacts of verbal abuse on healthcare workers in a secondary healthcare structure in Greece.Cureus. 2023;15(2):e35406. doi:10.7759/cureus.35406Yun JY, Shim G, Jeong B.Verbal abuse related to self-esteem damage and unjust blame harms mental health and social interaction in college population.Sci Rep. 2019;9(1):5655. doi:10.1038/s41598-019-42199-6Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Intimate partner violence prevention.
Toska A, Saridi M, Christakis A, et al.Frequency and impacts of verbal abuse on healthcare workers in a secondary healthcare structure in Greece.Cureus. 2023;15(2):e35406. doi:10.7759/cureus.35406
Yun JY, Shim G, Jeong B.Verbal abuse related to self-esteem damage and unjust blame harms mental health and social interaction in college population.Sci Rep. 2019;9(1):5655. doi:10.1038/s41598-019-42199-6
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Intimate partner violence prevention.
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