Updated on 2/18/21

As you’ve gone through life, you’ve probably noticed ebbs and flows in your libido, times when you want sex 24/7 as well as times when sex is the absolute last thing on your mind. This is normal and to be expected.

Everyone’s desire for sex isn’t the same all the time. Furthermore, in a relationship your sex drive isn’t always going to match your partner’s…and that’s when things can get tricky. It’s common for couples to experience times when one partner has a high desire for sex and the other has a lower desire. While this doesn’t mean there’s something inherently “wrong” with you or your partner, it can put a damper on your sex life and relationship.

Causes of Low Libido

Plenty of things contribute to libido and can cause you or your partner’s sex drive to be low. Some common causes of low libido include (but are not limited to):

The Effect of a Low Sex Drive on a Relationship

When one or both partners experience low sex drive, it can definitely have an effect on the relationship. After all, sexisa big part of romantic relationships, and when there’s a strain on your sex life, it’s likely to carry over and strain the relationship as a whole.

Oftentimes, someone may take it personally if their partner has a low desire for sex and think that there’s something wrong with them, when this certainly isn’t necessarily the case. As discussed above, there are plenty of reasons someone might have a low sex drive, and a lot of them aren’t related to the other partner at all.

“The myths associated with sex drive can often lead to confusion, frustration, and hurt feelings within the relationship,” says Talkspace provider Rachel O’Neill, Ph.D. “Instead of discussing sexual desire and things that make an individual feel sexually aroused, individuals may internalize the issue of low desire as some sort of personal shortcoming on their part. Often, an individual who experiences low sexual desire may begin to believe that there is something wrong with them, which can lead to feelings of shame and guilt.”

When someone internalizes and conflates their partner’s low sex drive with their own attractiveness or desireability as a partner, it can really put a damper on their self esteem. The partner may feel extra self conscious thinking thattheyare the problem.

On top of this,unhealthy patternsmight emerge if a partner starts to get selfish or pushy when it comes to sex.

Any of these behaviors can result in negative tension on the relationship, especially if they carry on long term.

Coping With Low Sex Drive in a Relationship

“First, let go of the idea of sex drive,” says O’Neill. “Next, work on ways to feel comfortable communicating with your partner about your sexual desire. Work as a team to determine how to cultivate a sense of excitement, enthusiasm, and mutual empowerment related to sexual exploration.”

Communication, as always, is key. You and your partner should try tocommunicate as openly and honestly as possible, so you can better understand each other’s perspective. If you’re the partner with the low sex drive, don’t feel pressured to give in to sex just because you don’t want to upset him or her. Instead, be candid about what is surpressing your sex drive, if you can pinpoint it. Talking about it can help your partner understand where your head’s at, hopefully allowing them to take it less personally. Also, you shouldn’t feel guilty or like a bad partner if you aren’t in the right headspace for sex.

If you’re the partner with the higher sex drive, try not to guilt trip your partner for not being in the mood for sex, and certainly don’t force them to do anything they don’t want to do. As O’Neill said, you want there to be mutual empowerment when it comes to sex, and that definitely doesn’t come from pressuring someone into sex when they don’t want to have it.

How to ramp up libido and excitement

Be willing to co-explore. Tap into what feels good. Learn what you really like and really don’t like sexually, and communicate that with your partner. Express your needs,ask for what you want in bed, and be receptive when your partner does the same. Getting attuned to one another’s sexuality can really help. Again, don’t place so much pressure on the concept of sex. Instead, try to just have fun with exploration.

Sometimes, switching things up or doing something a little “naughty” can be enough to get you or your partner’s libido ramping up. You can shareyour fantasieswith each other, watch porn together, set a designated date night, try out role playing, or even try something as simple as making foreplay last longer.

Working with a sex therapist can also be “a great way to take control of one’s own sexual health,” according to O’Neill. A sex therapist can help you and your partner out as individuals and as a couple. Working with a professional is nothing to be ashamed of, sex therapy could be a great investment for your relationship.

Low sex drive in a relationship doesn’t have to be a curse. Through communication, understanding, and some hard (but probably fun) work, you and your partner can get through this low point and have the healthy sex life that works for both of you.

Our goal at Talkspace is to provide the most up-to-date, valuable, and objective information on mental health-related topics in order to help readers make informed decisions.

Articles contain trusted third-party sources that are either directly linked to in the text or listed at the bottom to take readers directly to the source.

Share0Tweet0Pin it0

Share0

Tweet0

Pin it0