On This Page:ToggleAssess the situationRecognize the behavior patternsRemain objectiveDon’t overreactHave a direct discussionDon’t lose your own skillsModel healthy communicationLimit contactOther Ways To Cope
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Passive-aggressive behavioris a subtle form of expressing hostility or frustration indirectly, often through sarcasm, backhanded compliments, or avoidance of direct confrontation.
It can leave the recipient feeling confused, undermined, and frustrated, as the underlying hostility is not openly addressed but is instead disguised or implied through non-verbal cues and passive actions.
Relationships with others can begin to feeltoxicif one or both parties are passive-aggressive towards each other, with neither person expressing their feelings in a healthy way.
It can feel very frustrating if one person is very open and assertive but they are not getting the same treatment from the other person. This can be especially true in romantic relationships.
A partner can become annoyed and disheartened if their partner does not feel comfortable being direct in their emotions and will instead respond with sarcasm, moody behavior, or evade any issues.
Because passive aggression is often indirect and unspoken, it can be hard to detect and address. However, some things can be done to reduce the behavior.
If someone is being passive-aggressive towards you, there are some steps you can take to respond to them in a healthy way:
Assess the situation
When first noticing passive-aggressive behavior, take time to reflect on the context and your initial hypotheses about what may be motivating it.
Is this occurring at work, home, or in another setting? Are there relationship dynamics or recent events that could be contributing factors? Setting aside time for objective analysis before responding can help prevent overreacting.
Recognize the behavior patterns
Look for patterns in the passive-aggressive behaviors to gain insight into the underlying issues. For example:
Try to have an empathetic mindset when identifying potential motivations behind the behaviors. Reflect on their perspective and what feelings may be driving their actions before reacting yourself.
Once you have some working theories about the root causes, you can have compassionate conversations to address the issues directly.
For example, if you suspect fear of conflict is leading to avoidance, you can gently ask if they have concerns about being more direct and discuss steps that can be taken to reduce the conflict (Kantor, 2002).
Remain objective
When on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior, it’s important not to take it personally or let it anger you. Their actions likely stem from their own difficulties with emotional expression and communication rather than anything you did.
Try to separate your own emotions from the situation in order to respond calmly and constructively. Some tips:
Don’t overreact
If this is the first instance of passive-aggressive behavior from someone, avoid jumping to negative conclusions about their character.
Give them the benefit of the doubt and an opportunity to self-correct. People sometimes act out in moments of stress, anxiety, or frustration without realizing the impact.
Before addressing it, consider alternative perspectives:
With regular passive-aggression, a pattern likely exists. But for a first occasion, gently raise it in the moment or soon after. For example, “I noticed you seemed frustrated earlier. Is there something we should talk about?”
Allow them to reflect on their behavior with an open, curious mindset rather than accusations. If it was a one-off situation, they will likely recognize the lapse and self-correct.
Have a direct discussion
Try to have a clear conversation with the passive-aggressive person, describing exactly what you have experienced and how it made you feel.
Ask if there is an issue to be addressed, and do not accuse them of anything or attack them in any way. Some ways you can begin a conversation can include saying:
In this way, you are inviting them to be clearer with their communication. You are setting expectations for the relationship to be open and healthy.
The other person may not own up to anything or respond well the first time, but it may make them more aware of what they are doing.
Don’t compromise your own communication skills
When responding to passive aggression, it’s vital to stick to healthy communication yourself. Don’t get pulled intotoxic patterns.
Avoid veiled sarcasm, gossiping, or toxic bickering. Set clear expectations for open and direct dialogue. If emotions start running high, politely withdraw and revisit the discussion once everyone can communicate constructively.
Model healthy communication
Limit contact
If you have clearly set out expectations for the other person and they have not shown an adjustment in their behavior, or they reacted negatively towards you, you may have to consider whether to deal with it or distance yourself from them.
It can be very challenging to manage someone else’s behavior; you only have control over your own behavior.
To the best of your ability, it may be worth minimizing contact with the passive-aggressive person if you feel they are draining your energy to be around.
Additionally, people can try to set boundaries with passive-aggressive people. For example, they may need to discuss what is and is not acceptable behavior.
Other Ways To Cope
FAQs
How does passive-aggressive behavior impact the workplace?
How can I annoy a passive-aggressive person?It is not advisable to try to antagonize others on purpose. Anger or retaliation often only escalates the conflict.Instead, try to respond to passive aggression with patience, empathy, and open communication.It’s generally more constructive to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, set boundaries if needed, and find solutions together. With mutual understanding and goodwill, passive-aggressive patterns can potentially shift over time.
How can I annoy a passive-aggressive person?
It is not advisable to try to antagonize others on purpose. Anger or retaliation often only escalates the conflict.Instead, try to respond to passive aggression with patience, empathy, and open communication.It’s generally more constructive to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, set boundaries if needed, and find solutions together. With mutual understanding and goodwill, passive-aggressive patterns can potentially shift over time.
It is not advisable to try to antagonize others on purpose. Anger or retaliation often only escalates the conflict.
Instead, try to respond to passive aggression with patience, empathy, and open communication.
It’s generally more constructive to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, set boundaries if needed, and find solutions together. With mutual understanding and goodwill, passive-aggressive patterns can potentially shift over time.
How can I know if I am being passive-aggressive?Here are some signsyou may be acting passive-aggressively:– Avoiding direct communication of your feelings, needs, or concerns and instead making subtle, indirect criticisms or negative remarks.– Expressing resentment or hostility through nonverbal behaviors like eye rolling, sighing, or slamming things rather than openly.– Procrastinating on tasks for others you resent or disagree with.– Making excuses to avoid events or activities you don’t want to participate in.– Ignoring others as punishment or giving them the silent treatment.– Making seemingly positive statements with a hidden, cynical meaning.The key is noticing when you are feeling resentful or upset but not expressing it openly and directly. Addressing concerns constructively rather than indirectly can help.
How can I know if I am being passive-aggressive?
Here are some signsyou may be acting passive-aggressively:– Avoiding direct communication of your feelings, needs, or concerns and instead making subtle, indirect criticisms or negative remarks.– Expressing resentment or hostility through nonverbal behaviors like eye rolling, sighing, or slamming things rather than openly.– Procrastinating on tasks for others you resent or disagree with.– Making excuses to avoid events or activities you don’t want to participate in.– Ignoring others as punishment or giving them the silent treatment.– Making seemingly positive statements with a hidden, cynical meaning.The key is noticing when you are feeling resentful or upset but not expressing it openly and directly. Addressing concerns constructively rather than indirectly can help.
Here are some signsyou may be acting passive-aggressively:
– Avoiding direct communication of your feelings, needs, or concerns and instead making subtle, indirect criticisms or negative remarks.
– Expressing resentment or hostility through nonverbal behaviors like eye rolling, sighing, or slamming things rather than openly.
– Procrastinating on tasks for others you resent or disagree with.
– Making excuses to avoid events or activities you don’t want to participate in.
– Ignoring others as punishment or giving them the silent treatment.
– Making seemingly positive statements with a hidden, cynical meaning.
The key is noticing when you are feeling resentful or upset but not expressing it openly and directly. Addressing concerns constructively rather than indirectly can help.
References
American Psychiatric Association, D. S., & American Psychiatric Association. (2013).Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-5(Vol. 5). Washington, DC: American psychiatric association.
Kantor, M. (2002).Passive-aggression: A Guide for the Therapist, the Patient, and the Victim. Greenwood Publishing Group.
Menninger W. W. (2004). Contributions of Dr. William C. Menninger to military psychiatry.Bulletin of the Menninger Clinic, 68(4), 277–296.
Millon, T. (1993). Negativistic (passive-aggressive) personality disorder.Journal of Personality Disorders, 7(1), 78-85.
Next article
How To Stop Being Passive-Aggressive
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
