How to Deal With a Negative Spouse

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsIdentifying the Signs of NegativityCausesEffectsHow to Change Negative ThinkingHow to Encourage PositivityHow to Deal With a Negative PartnerSometimes you have to deal with a negative ex-partner as wellWhat to Do in a Toxic MarriageFrequently Asked Questions

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Identifying the Signs of Negativity

Causes

Effects

How to Change Negative Thinking

How to Encourage Positivity

How to Deal With a Negative Partner

Sometimes you have to deal with a negative ex-partner as well

What to Do in a Toxic Marriage

Frequently Asked Questions

Sometimes we, and our partners, have bad days and bad moods. This is just a reality of life and nothing to be concerned about. However, when ourpartner’s bad moodsshift from occasional grumpiness or venting to chronic negativity, it can become a problem.

Negativity in relationships can come in the form of cynicism, criticism, whining, attacking,pessimism,discontent, perfectionism, and hyper-intensity. Coping with these behaviors and attitudes can be a serious challenge, but it’s important if you want your relationship to last.

In some cases, negativity can ruin a relationship—but it doesn’t always need to. With some honest communication and genuine effort, relationship dynamics can shift from negative to positive.

At a GlanceThere are a number of reasons why someone might be negative in a relationship. Fortunately, there are ways to help or cope with a negative spouse.To deal with a negative spouse, you can:Practice empathyBe forgivingSet boundariesEngage in self-careSeek social support outside of your spouse

At a Glance

There are a number of reasons why someone might be negative in a relationship. Fortunately, there are ways to help or cope with a negative spouse.To deal with a negative spouse, you can:Practice empathyBe forgivingSet boundariesEngage in self-careSeek social support outside of your spouse

There are a number of reasons why someone might be negative in a relationship. Fortunately, there are ways to help or cope with a negative spouse.

To deal with a negative spouse, you can:

If you answer yes to most of the following questions, it’s likely that you’re dealing with a level of negativity that could potentially impact your relationship.

Other traits of negative people include consistently being pessimistic, worrying about things that most people would view as insignificant, and complaining all the time.

However, keep in mind that someone’s negativity doesn’t have to define them. It’s possible that there are underlying causes of negativity, and your partner can learn to use more adaptive ways to cope.

RecapA negative spouse may be moody, critical, and dismissive. They may also be perfectionists that express anger or disappointment when other people don’t measure up to their high expectations.

Recap

A negative spouse may be moody, critical, and dismissive. They may also be perfectionists that express anger or disappointment when other people don’t measure up to their high expectations.

Take the Optimism/Pessimism Quiz

Try our fast and freetestto help you identify if you or someone you know may have a pessimistic mindset.

Causes of Negativity

There are a number of different factors that can contribute to negativity in a marriage or romantic partnership.

Negativity Bias

The human brain has a natural tendency to prefer negative information. Negative events tend to garner more attention and have a greater impact on the brain than positive ones.

In relationships, thisnegativity biasoften causes people to always expect the worst or always be on the defensive. It can also contribute to conflict and resentment.

Communication Issues

Communication is important for healthy relationships, which is why problems in this area may contribute to feelings of negativity. Problems like assuming you know what the other person is thinking, criticizing one another, or giving each other the silent treatment can contribute to negativity and resentment.

Stress

Excessive stress can make it difficult for people to stay positive. It can leave you or your partner in a constant state of anxiety, seriously affecting the ability to feel optimistic.

Personality

Mental Health Conditions

In some cases, mental health conditions can cause constant negative thinking. Disorders linked with negative thinking includedepression,anxiety, andobsessive-compulsive disorder(OCD).

If your partner’s negative thinking is disruptive to their everyday life, they would benefit from talking to a therapist or mental health professional.

RecapThere may be a number of reasons why your spouse is negative, including mental health conditions. If you suspect that you or your partner is experiencing negativity due to a condition such as depression, talk to your healthcare provider.

There may be a number of reasons why your spouse is negative, including mental health conditions. If you suspect that you or your partner is experiencing negativity due to a condition such as depression, talk to your healthcare provider.

Why Toxic Positivity Can Be Harmful

Effects of Negativity in a Relationship

According to the renowned relationship psychologist and researcher John Gottman, PhD, there is a “magic ratio” for keeping relationships healthy and stable.

In an article about Gottman’s findings, Kyle Benson writes, “That ‘magic ratio’ is five to one. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions.”

If this ratio is unbalanced, it can take a serious toll on a relationship. Negativity in marriage:

Being around a negative person can cause you to feel depressed or sad as well. Research even confirms that negativity is contagious.Communicating negativity in social interactions, even through facial expressions, can pass that negativity on to others. (The good news is: Positivity is contagious, too.)

What does that mean for your relationship? Can your marriage survive a high degree of negativity? Can someone overcome a negative outlook on life? Change is possible, but it requires effort.

If you are chronically negative, you can change your pattern of negative thinking. However, you have to want to make this change, and no one can do it for you.

Here are some things you can do to be more positive:

RecapThere are a number of things you and your spouse can do to change negative thinking patterns. If you’ve tried these strategies and are still struggling, consider talking to a mental health professional.

There are a number of things you and your spouse can do to change negative thinking patterns. If you’ve tried these strategies and are still struggling, consider talking to a mental health professional.

Being Optimistic When the World Around You Isn’t

If you are in a relationship with someone who has a negative personality, you are not responsible for making them feel better. However, you can help your partner be more positive.

While it would be ideal for your negative partner to change their thinking patterns, this may not always happen. You may not be able to change your spouse, but there are self-help strategies you can use to help deal with their negativity.

Practice Empathy and Kindness

Be Forgiving

It is easy to let yourself become bitter and negative about your partner’s bad attitude. Instead of letting their mood affect yours, focus on forgiving their mistakes and moving on.

Set Boundaries

Boundaries establish what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. While your partner is allowed to have feelings, make it clear that there are limits to what you will accept. Once you make these boundaries clear, be willing to enforce them if they are violated.

Care for Yourself

Don’t allow your partner’s negativity to interfere with your health and well-being. Ensure that you are treating yourself kindly, including getting enough rest and care.

Cultivate Positive Relationships

It is important to seek social support outside of your relationship. While your partner may be negative, you can build relationships with other people who can help bring positivity and optimism into your life.

When an ex-spouse is negative, you can try the strategies above to help yourself cope. However, in the case of a former partner, you may have stricter boundaries surrounding what is acceptable and what isn’t.

For instance, if you are sharing custody, you might have a rule that you and your ex only talk about your children and topics that pertain to their well-being. Maybe you handle most of your communication with your ex over the phone (not face-to-face) if this makes it easier to keep your conversations light and brief.

Knowing what it’s like to have a negative spouse and ex-spouse, you can focus on building relationships with more positive people in the future.

Why the “No Contact” Rule Is So Important After a Breakup

You want to make sure you’re keeping yourself safe, especially if you are learning how to deal with an angry, negative spouse. This is where boundaries are very important. It’s not fair for your partner to project their anger or toxic behavior onto you.

Couples therapy may help you both learn healthy ways to improve your relationship.There are also resources such asbooks on building a healthy marriageandanger management groupsthat you or your spouse can look into.

Some relationships can be mended with time and effort, but this is not always the case.

Signs That Your Marriage Is Beyond RepairIf your relationship becomes toxic, meaning your well-being and/or your partner’s well-being is threatened physically, emotionally, or psychologically, it may be time to consider ending your marriage.This is especially true if your boundaries are consistently being violated and your partner shows no remorse or willingness to change.

Signs That Your Marriage Is Beyond Repair

If your relationship becomes toxic, meaning your well-being and/or your partner’s well-being is threatened physically, emotionally, or psychologically, it may be time to consider ending your marriage.This is especially true if your boundaries are consistently being violated and your partner shows no remorse or willingness to change.

This is especially true if your boundaries are consistently being violated and your partner shows no remorse or willingness to change.

Some couples experience what is commonly referred to as a “silent divorce.” A silent divorce is when a couple stays together, but they don’t engage in physical or emotional intimacy anymore. If this is the case, you may want to have an honest conversation with your partner about whether either of you wants to continue the relationship.

If your spouse is abusive (whether the abuse is physical, verbal, or sexual), it’s important to know that their behavior is not your fault. If you can, speak to a therapist or counselor, or to a trusted friend or family member. If the abuse persists, you may wish to build a support network that can help you make an exit plan.

Deciding whether or not it is too late to save your marriage is a difficult call to make. But remember, you deserve to be in a loving, understanding, and compassionate relationship in which you feel safe and can maintain a positive outlook.

How to Identify and Cope With Emotional Abuse

Final Thoughts

Keep Dr. Gottman’s advice in mind: For every negative interaction, create five positive ones. It can be a challenge at times and no relationship or marriage is perfect. However, having fun, being open to communication, and enjoying each other are some of the keys to ahealthy and happy marriage.

Do your best to counteract any negativity you experience. You may be surprised at the effect it has on both of you over time.

How to Get Rid of Negativity and Stress

Frequently Asked QuestionsAvoid being confrontational, which may make your partner defensive and even more negative. Be empathetic and try to use feeling statements when talking about your concerns.Rather than making accusations, talk about what you can do together to make the situation better. Be sure to maintain boundaries and walk away temporarily if your partner becomes angry or refuses to engage in conversation.Learn More:What Are Feeling Statements?If your partner is expressing negativity about your children, set clear boundaries about what is appropriate. Do not have these conversations in front of your kids.Make it clear that while your partner is allowed to have their feelings, your children are not an acceptable outlet for their feelings of frustration or negativity. Encourage your partner to talk to a mental health professional about these feelings, or consider couples therapy.It is hard to stay sunny when someone keeps raining on your day, but you can maintain a positive outlook. Accept that your partner is going to have their own feelings and that their negativity is not your responsibility. Be empathetic and practice kindness, but work on supporting your own well-being. Surround yourself with people who are positive and do things that bring you joy and contentment.Learn More:How to Think Like an Optimist

Avoid being confrontational, which may make your partner defensive and even more negative. Be empathetic and try to use feeling statements when talking about your concerns.Rather than making accusations, talk about what you can do together to make the situation better. Be sure to maintain boundaries and walk away temporarily if your partner becomes angry or refuses to engage in conversation.Learn More:What Are Feeling Statements?

Avoid being confrontational, which may make your partner defensive and even more negative. Be empathetic and try to use feeling statements when talking about your concerns.

Rather than making accusations, talk about what you can do together to make the situation better. Be sure to maintain boundaries and walk away temporarily if your partner becomes angry or refuses to engage in conversation.

Learn More:What Are Feeling Statements?

If your partner is expressing negativity about your children, set clear boundaries about what is appropriate. Do not have these conversations in front of your kids.Make it clear that while your partner is allowed to have their feelings, your children are not an acceptable outlet for their feelings of frustration or negativity. Encourage your partner to talk to a mental health professional about these feelings, or consider couples therapy.

If your partner is expressing negativity about your children, set clear boundaries about what is appropriate. Do not have these conversations in front of your kids.

Make it clear that while your partner is allowed to have their feelings, your children are not an acceptable outlet for their feelings of frustration or negativity. Encourage your partner to talk to a mental health professional about these feelings, or consider couples therapy.

It is hard to stay sunny when someone keeps raining on your day, but you can maintain a positive outlook. Accept that your partner is going to have their own feelings and that their negativity is not your responsibility. Be empathetic and practice kindness, but work on supporting your own well-being. Surround yourself with people who are positive and do things that bring you joy and contentment.Learn More:How to Think Like an Optimist

Learn More:How to Think Like an Optimist

9 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S, Gollan JK.The negativity bias: Conceptualization, quantification, and individual differences.Behavioral and Brain Sciences. 2014;37(3):309-310. doi:10.1017/s0140525x13002537Gustavson DE, du Pont A, Whisman MA, Miyake A.Evidence for ransdiagnostic repetitive negative thinking and its association with rumination, worry, and depression and anxiety symptoms: A commonality analysis.Collabra Psychol. 2018;4(1):13. doi:10.1525/collabra.128The Gottman Institute.Research.Benson K.The magic relationship ratio, according to science. The Gottman Institute.Herrando C, Constantinides E.Emotional contagion: A brief overview and future directions.Front Psychol. 2021;12:712606. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.712606Johns Hopkins Health.The power of positive thinking.Bloch L, Haase CM, Levenson RW.Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: More than a wives' tale.Emotion. 2014;14(1):130-44. doi:10.1037/a0034272Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: a study protocol.BMC Public Health. 2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ.Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education.Couple Family Psychol. 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025

9 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S, Gollan JK.The negativity bias: Conceptualization, quantification, and individual differences.Behavioral and Brain Sciences. 2014;37(3):309-310. doi:10.1017/s0140525x13002537Gustavson DE, du Pont A, Whisman MA, Miyake A.Evidence for ransdiagnostic repetitive negative thinking and its association with rumination, worry, and depression and anxiety symptoms: A commonality analysis.Collabra Psychol. 2018;4(1):13. doi:10.1525/collabra.128The Gottman Institute.Research.Benson K.The magic relationship ratio, according to science. The Gottman Institute.Herrando C, Constantinides E.Emotional contagion: A brief overview and future directions.Front Psychol. 2021;12:712606. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.712606Johns Hopkins Health.The power of positive thinking.Bloch L, Haase CM, Levenson RW.Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: More than a wives' tale.Emotion. 2014;14(1):130-44. doi:10.1037/a0034272Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: a study protocol.BMC Public Health. 2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ.Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education.Couple Family Psychol. 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025

Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S, Gollan JK.The negativity bias: Conceptualization, quantification, and individual differences.Behavioral and Brain Sciences. 2014;37(3):309-310. doi:10.1017/s0140525x13002537Gustavson DE, du Pont A, Whisman MA, Miyake A.Evidence for ransdiagnostic repetitive negative thinking and its association with rumination, worry, and depression and anxiety symptoms: A commonality analysis.Collabra Psychol. 2018;4(1):13. doi:10.1525/collabra.128The Gottman Institute.Research.Benson K.The magic relationship ratio, according to science. The Gottman Institute.Herrando C, Constantinides E.Emotional contagion: A brief overview and future directions.Front Psychol. 2021;12:712606. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.712606Johns Hopkins Health.The power of positive thinking.Bloch L, Haase CM, Levenson RW.Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: More than a wives' tale.Emotion. 2014;14(1):130-44. doi:10.1037/a0034272Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: a study protocol.BMC Public Health. 2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ.Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education.Couple Family Psychol. 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025

Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S, Gollan JK.The negativity bias: Conceptualization, quantification, and individual differences.Behavioral and Brain Sciences. 2014;37(3):309-310. doi:10.1017/s0140525x13002537

Gustavson DE, du Pont A, Whisman MA, Miyake A.Evidence for ransdiagnostic repetitive negative thinking and its association with rumination, worry, and depression and anxiety symptoms: A commonality analysis.Collabra Psychol. 2018;4(1):13. doi:10.1525/collabra.128

The Gottman Institute.Research.

Benson K.The magic relationship ratio, according to science. The Gottman Institute.

Herrando C, Constantinides E.Emotional contagion: A brief overview and future directions.Front Psychol. 2021;12:712606. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.712606

Johns Hopkins Health.The power of positive thinking.

Bloch L, Haase CM, Levenson RW.Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: More than a wives' tale.Emotion. 2014;14(1):130-44. doi:10.1037/a0034272

Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: a study protocol.BMC Public Health. 2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735

Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ.Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education.Couple Family Psychol. 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025

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At a Glance#

Recap#

Take the Optimism/Pessimism Quiz#

Causes of Negativity#

Negativity Bias#

Communication Issues#

Stress#

Personality#

Mental Health Conditions#

Effects of Negativity in a Relationship#

Practice Empathy and Kindness#

Be Forgiving#

Set Boundaries#

Care for Yourself#

Cultivate Positive Relationships#

Signs That Your Marriage Is Beyond Repair#

Final Thoughts#