Dating someone with anavoidant attachment stylecan be challenging, but with patience, understanding, and effective communication, it is possible to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Given their emotional unavailability and deactivating strategies, developing a deep and intimate relationship with avoidant individuals can be difficult to achieve.
Maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style involves respecting their independence, giving them space, avoiding emotional clinginess, and communicating your needs effectively.
First, you must understand what avoidant attachment style is. People with an avoidant attachment style often have difficulty getting close to others and tend to be uncomfortable with too much emotional intimacy. They value independence and self-sufficiency.
Attachment styles do exist on a spectrum, and not everyone with an avoidant attachment style is the same. While individuals can vary in the degree of avoidance they exhibit, there are a number of commonalities that can help guide your approach to dating someone with this attachment style.
Here are some other commonalities that can help you better understand someone with an avoidant attachment style:
How to Increase Intimacy and Communication with an Avoidant Partner
Here are some tips to help you navigate a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style:
Be Patient and Respectful of Boundaries
Let themexpress their boundariesand set the pace for opening up. You can give them the space they need while also showing them that you’re there to listen without judgment when they are ready.
Avoidance does not equal effective boundary settingand actually tends to signal a lack of boundaries. While there are times when avoidance can protect you from a threat or danger, it’s generally an unhelpful coping and interpersonal strategy.
You must recognize that your partner’s avoidant attachment style may not change overnight. You should set realistic expectations for progress and be prepared for setbacks along the way.
However, you should also maintain your own boundaries. If their avoidance behavior is causing you distress, you should let them know that you may need to take a step back from the relationship.
Open and Non-Judgmental Communication
You should create a safe space for open and honest communication and encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings at their own pace.
Be aware that the more you push, the more they pull away, so make sure to approach communication in a calm, yet assertive manner.
When discussing your own feelings or needs, use “I” statements to express yourself. For example, say, “I feel closer to you when we have deep conversations,” instead of, “You never open up to me” as this approach is less likely to make your partner feel defensive.
Be Secure in Your Own Attachment Style
Your ownattachment stylewill influence how you perceive and experience the behavior of someone with an avoidant attachment style.
It is essential to have a secure attachment style yourself, so you can provide stability and understanding in the relationship.
Additionally, if you have ananxiousordisorganized attachment style,their avoidant behavior can be especially triggering for you. Your own attachment security can reduce relationship anxiety and allow you to be more resilient to the ups and downs of the relationship.
Being secure in your own attachment style also helps you avoid falling into codependent behaviors, which can be a challenge when dating someone with an avoidant style. You can maintain your independence and emotional well-being while still being supportive of your partner.
Therapy
Consider couples therapy with a therapist experienced in attachment issues. Therapy can provide a structured and supportive environment for both of you to work on your communication and intimacy challenges.
The therapist can help you to understand each other’s attachment styles, behaviors, and needs from an objective standpoint.
Attachment styles are “working models” that can develop throughout our lives. We can all learn to feel more secure in relationships with the right attitude, self-awareness, and willingness to work on our insecurities.
In summary, when dating someone with an avoidant attachment style:
Julia Simkusedited this article.
Sources
Fraley, R.C., Roisman, G.I., Booth-LaForce, C., Owen, M.T. & Holland, A.S. (2013). Interpersonal and genetic origins of adult attachment styles: a longitudinal study from infancy to early adulthood.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,104 (5), 817-38.
Nickerson A, Nagle RJ. Parent and peer relations in middle childhood and early adolescence.Journal of Early Adolescence.2005; 25:223–249.
Sheinbaum, T., Kwapil, T.R., Ballespí, S., Mitjavila, M., Chun, C.A., Silvia, P.J. & Barrantes-Vidal N. (2015). Attachment style predicts affect, cognitive appraisals, and social functioning in daily life.Frontiers in Psychology, 18 (6), 296.
Simpson, J.A. & Rholes, W.S. (2017). Adult Attachment, Stress, and Romantic Relationships.Current Opinions in Psychology, 13, 19-24.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of QueenslandAnna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher
Mental Health Writer
BSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
