How to Cope at Work When You're Grieving a Loved One's Death

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The death of someone we love and thegriefit triggers often proves to be life’s most difficult experience. It can take a toll on one’s emotional andphysical healthalike. Unfortunately, most employers expect workers to return to their jobs well before they feel ready to resume their “normal” activities.

This article offers practical and healthy suggestions to help you cope with your grief when you return to your job, office, or workplace after the funeral, memorial or internment service of a loved one.

9 Types of Grief People May Experience, According to Experts

Tips for Coping With Grief at Work

Struggling with grief while at work can be a challenge. If you find yourself in that situation, here are some tips to try as you cope with the loss of a loved one.

Refrain From Assuming Coworkers Know

While you have undoubtedly found it difficult to avoid thoughts about your loved one, you should not assume that all of yourcoworkersknow that you’re grieving after you return to work. Unfortunately, the day of wearing mourning clothes, such as “widow’s weeds” or a black armband to visually signal your inner anguish to those around you is a thing of the past.

The truth is that most companies and businesses handle the reality of death just as poorly and awkwardly as most people do when someone dies, regardless of whether that loss involves an employee or an employee’s loved one. Death makes us uncomfortable and often leaves us tongue-tied and at a loss for words, which is why we usually resort to death-denying euphemisms, saying the wrong thing or (worse) saying nothing at all.

Thus, assuming your employer informed everyone you work with about the death of someone you love during your absence is probably a mistake. While some businesses might let every employee know companywide, many others will only inform the coworkers in your department/division, or just your immediate supervisor, and presume that the word will “get around” before you return to work.

Therefore, you should make a point of informing your coworkers/professional peers that someone you love died and that you’re grieving, either before or after you return to work so you won’t need to continually relive it as people discover what happened.

You can accomplish this in a variety of ways:

On the other hand, because each of us mourns loss in our own way, if you’re hoping that returning to work might help take your mind off of your inner pain during the workday, you could let your coworkers know that you appreciate their sympathy but would prefer they not mention it in the office for a while.

There is no correct or “proper” way to grieve, so the choice is yours and you should do what’s best for you right now.

Plan Your Escape Route

Many American Westerns glorify or idealize characters that can cope with any adversity without showing the slightest expression of emotion, including after a death occurs. When you return to the office/work after a loved one dies, however, please understand that you are not a cowboy in a movie. In other words, don’t expect that you can always hide your grief during the workday.

Even if you followed the suggestion above, and no matter how much you might hope that returning to work will help distract you from your painful thoughts and feelings for several hours, you should expect that your grief will tap you on the shoulder when you least expect it and triggersadnessand even tears in the workplace, despite your best efforts.

This is the challenging, insidious nature of grief after someone we love dies. Grief is difficult, if not impossible, to escape for long because the littlest thing can trigger thoughts/reminders, such as the lingering aroma of a coworker’s perfume or cologne in a hallway or stairwell; a colleague who happens to mention a movie or song that your loved one enjoyed; suddenly noticing that someone wears the same hairstyle or a similar outfit; the time on a clock indicating lunchtime, the end of the workday, the start of the weekend.

You cannot possibly anticipate everything that might trigger your grief once you return to work, so you should plan how to handle the moments when your loss-response will interfere with how you want to act.

If you find yourself crying suddenly, for example, where is the nearest restroom, stairwell, exit or private space you could use while you compose yourself, should you need it? If you’re starting to feel sad about the death of your loved one during the workday, could you hold off until a scheduled break, lunch period or your finish-time arrives?

Forgive Others

As noted above, most people (and, therefore, most companies) often fail to respond as we might wish or need after we experience the death of someone close. The bereaved often keenly sense this after returning to work following a brief funeral- or bereavement leave period or after using their vacation time, sick days or “P.T.O.” in order to arrange a funeral, memorial or interment service.

Therefore, try to understand that your coworkers probably want to help you feel better in some way but just don’t know how, so you shouldtry to forgivethem in advance.

Despite the many practical ways people can help someone grieving a death, most people simply don’t know how to comfort the bereaved and worry about saying or doing the wrong thing, so they unconsciously distance themselves.

If you understand that this might happen when you return to work, then you will be less likely to feel intentionally isolated or take things personally. Time will eventually soften the rough, painful edges of grief, so trust that both you and your coworkers will eventually find a new state of “normal” after the death of a loved one.

Forgive Yourself

The truth is that grief hits many people hardestafterthe funeral, memorial, or interment services end, which is often around the same time you need to return to the office or workplace.

No longer focused on the many details and decisions that must be made when arranging a funeral or memorial service, as well as the influx of family members and friends during this time, the reality that a loved has died often sinks in after the fact.

Because grief affects us emotionally,physically, mentally and spiritually, you should not expect that you will return to work at 100 percent or like “your old self.” Instead, you will probably experience some of the following mourning-challenges during your workday:

Right now, while you’re grieving, you shouldavoid making any major life decisions, such as quitting your job and finding someplace else to work. Moreover, you should understand and accept that the invisible weight of your grief will affect your job performance or satisfaction for a while once you return to work.

You are simply not your usual self during this time, so instead of denying it, you should forgive yourself when you fail to act or perform as you hope you would in the workplace.

If you or a loved one are struggling with overcoming grief, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you or a loved one are struggling with overcoming grief, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

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