Navigating conversations with someone in your life who isliving with addictioncan be challenging. How can you offer the person your love and support while, at the same time, avoiding miscommunication and protecting your boundaries?
Several communication strategies can help you show support and compassion in a healthy, effective way. Here are several to use when talking to a loved one with addiction.
If you or a loved one are struggling with substance use or addiction, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
If you or a loved one are struggling with substance use or addiction, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.
For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
Why People With Addiction Lie
Be Kind
You can accept a person with addiction without accepting their behavior. Even if you disagree with what they are doing or saying, it’s important to withhold judgment. By taking this approach, you start to build bridges to forgiveness and aid in their recovery.
Avoid Saying ThisYou should be ashamed of yourself for abusing alcohol.Try This InsteadEveryone needs help sometimes. You don’t have to be ashamed of your addiction.
Avoid Saying ThisYou should be ashamed of yourself for abusing alcohol.
You should be ashamed of yourself for abusing alcohol.
Try This InsteadEveryone needs help sometimes. You don’t have to be ashamed of your addiction.
Everyone needs help sometimes. You don’t have to be ashamed of your addiction.
Choose Your Words Thoughtfully
Remember that language matters, and communicate as respectfully as possible. Some words can negatively influence how people with addiction feel about themselves and theirability to recover.
Avoid promoting harmful stereotypes about addiction. For instance, people often use the word “clean” to describe someone drug-free. However, the use of this word implies that a person with addiction is “dirty” when using drugs.
Also, avoid calling the person names like “addict” or “substance abuser” as both can be stigmatizing.Addiction shouldn’t define who they are. Use person-first language, such as referring to them as a “person with addiction.”
Avoid Saying ThisI can’t believe you’re a junkie. When are you getting clean?Try This InsteadI’m sorry you’re struggling with addiction. I am here to help support you.
Avoid Saying ThisI can’t believe you’re a junkie. When are you getting clean?
I can’t believe you’re a junkie. When are you getting clean?
Try This InsteadI’m sorry you’re struggling with addiction. I am here to help support you.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with addiction. I am here to help support you.
Poor Communication Skills Can Lead to Loads of Stress—Here’s What to Do
Educate Yourself About Addiction
Our society often blames people for their addiction,as if it is a moral failure on the person’s part. Before speaking to your loved one, it’s important to understand that addiction is a disorder.
The more knowledge you have about addiction, the better you’ll be able to communicate. Learn more about addiction from reliable medical sources, and try tounderstand your loved one’s point of view.
The American Society of Addiction Medicine defines addiction as “a treatable, chronic medical disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits, genetics, the environment, and an individual’s life experiences.“If addiction involves the use of drugs or alcohol, people in the medical community more often use “substance use disorder” to refer to this disease.
Also educate yourself about the stigma surrounding addiction. Harmful beliefs including that people with addiction are selfish, lazy, and destructive are still common. Watch your tone of voice and speak to your loved one without using a blaming or accusatory tone.
At the same time, don’t assume you know everything about the person’s addiction simply because you do research. Each person with addiction is a unique individual with their own experience.
Avoid Saying ThisWhy don’t you just stop using drugs? You’re being selfish.Try This InsteadYou are still my friend, and I care for you no matter what. Is there any way I can help?
Avoid Saying ThisWhy don’t you just stop using drugs? You’re being selfish.
Why don’t you just stop using drugs? You’re being selfish.
Try This InsteadYou are still my friend, and I care for you no matter what. Is there any way I can help?
You are still my friend, and I care for you no matter what. Is there any way I can help?
Listen More Than You Talk
An important part of communicating is listening to what the other person has to say. When someone with addiction confides in you,listen without interrupting or criticizing.
You don’t want to make them feel like you’re checking up on them or assuming the worst about their condition. You also don’t have to make their addiction the main focus of every conversation you have.
Continue to ask them about their weekend plans or invite them to see a movie with you. Speak to them the same way you would someone without addiction. Remember that they are still a person with likes, dislikes, opinions, and desires.
Avoid Saying ThisWhat are you doing? You’re notusingagain, are you? Why aren’t you calling me back?Try This InsteadHey, do you have any plans this weekend? I would love to grab dinner if you’re free.
Avoid Saying ThisWhat are you doing? You’re notusingagain, are you? Why aren’t you calling me back?
What are you doing? You’re notusingagain, are you? Why aren’t you calling me back?
Try This InsteadHey, do you have any plans this weekend? I would love to grab dinner if you’re free.
Hey, do you have any plans this weekend? I would love to grab dinner if you’re free.
Use Consistent Words and Actions
Communicate through your actions as well as your words. Remain consistent in your message so your loved one doesn’t misunderstand what you want or expect of them.
For example, if you tell your partner that their drinking negatively affects you, don’t offer to split a bottle of wine with them over dinner. You want to communicate your boundaries effectively with someone with addiction.
Communicating with someone with addiction can also be hard if you have a history ofsupporting their addictive behavior. They might be surprised you are speaking up instead of enabling or ignoring the addiction. Letting them know that they act in ways that hurt you may even motivate them to get help.
In general,use “I feel” statementsto communicate with them.Shift from putting the blame all on them to taking responsibility for your part in the relationship.
Avoid Saying ThisYou’re so annoying when you drink. I can’t even talk to you when you get like this.Try This InsteadI feel disrespected when we have a conversation after you’ve been drinking. I think it’s best we’re both sober when we interact from now on.
Avoid Saying ThisYou’re so annoying when you drink. I can’t even talk to you when you get like this.
You’re so annoying when you drink. I can’t even talk to you when you get like this.
Try This InsteadI feel disrespected when we have a conversation after you’ve been drinking. I think it’s best we’re both sober when we interact from now on.
I feel disrespected when we have a conversation after you’ve been drinking. I think it’s best we’re both sober when we interact from now on.
Believe Them
Your perspective on another person’s addiction is not the reality of their experience. Trust that they know themselves. If they say they have addiction, believe them. Someone opening up to you about addiction is likely a sign that they trust you. Respect how difficult it might be for them to talk about their feelings and behaviors.
You also don’t want to make excuses for them. Telling them that one drink “doesn’t count,” for instance, will onlyenable their behavior. Instead, do your best as their friend or loved one to show that you support them and their recovery.
Avoid Saying ThisCome on, you can have one drink. It’s fine.Try This InsteadI respect that you’re not drinking, and I’m proud of you for taking care of yourself.
Avoid Saying ThisCome on, you can have one drink. It’s fine.
Come on, you can have one drink. It’s fine.
Try This InsteadI respect that you’re not drinking, and I’m proud of you for taking care of yourself.
I respect that you’re not drinking, and I’m proud of you for taking care of yourself.
Best Online Addiction Support Groups
Don’t Tell Them What to Do
You want to help your loved one with addiction in any way you can, but you can’t control exactly how they do it. They may have unconventional ways of looking at addiction, or maybe they’re experimenting withalternative therapiesor treatments.
As long as they aren’t causing more harm to themselves or others in the process, you can show them that you respect their way of making positive changes. Rather than dictating what they must do, ask how you can help.
For instance, saying “Why haven’t you gotten help already?” or telling them what they “should” and “shouldn’t” do comes across as condescending. Avoid putting added pressure on them and instead, be a trusted friend that they feel safe with.
Avoid Saying ThisYou should just quit cold turkey. It worked for someone else I know.Try This InsteadI want you to feel your best. I can help you researchtreatment centersor therapists if you’d like.
Avoid Saying ThisYou should just quit cold turkey. It worked for someone else I know.
You should just quit cold turkey. It worked for someone else I know.
Try This InsteadI want you to feel your best. I can help you researchtreatment centersor therapists if you’d like.
I want you to feel your best. I can help you researchtreatment centersor therapists if you’d like.
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5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Johns Hopkins Medicine.Reducing the stigma of addiction.Ashford RD, Brown AM, McDaniel J, Curtis B.Biased labels: An experimental study of language and stigma among individuals in recovery and health professionals.Subst Use Misuse. 2019;54(8):1376-1384. doi:10.1080/10826084.2019.1581221Pickard H.Responsibility without blame for addiction.Neuroethics. 2017;10:169-180. doi:10.1007/s12152-016-9295-2American Society of Addiction Medicine.Definition of addiction.Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: The benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831
5 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Johns Hopkins Medicine.Reducing the stigma of addiction.Ashford RD, Brown AM, McDaniel J, Curtis B.Biased labels: An experimental study of language and stigma among individuals in recovery and health professionals.Subst Use Misuse. 2019;54(8):1376-1384. doi:10.1080/10826084.2019.1581221Pickard H.Responsibility without blame for addiction.Neuroethics. 2017;10:169-180. doi:10.1007/s12152-016-9295-2American Society of Addiction Medicine.Definition of addiction.Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: The benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Johns Hopkins Medicine.Reducing the stigma of addiction.Ashford RD, Brown AM, McDaniel J, Curtis B.Biased labels: An experimental study of language and stigma among individuals in recovery and health professionals.Subst Use Misuse. 2019;54(8):1376-1384. doi:10.1080/10826084.2019.1581221Pickard H.Responsibility without blame for addiction.Neuroethics. 2017;10:169-180. doi:10.1007/s12152-016-9295-2American Society of Addiction Medicine.Definition of addiction.Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: The benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831
Johns Hopkins Medicine.Reducing the stigma of addiction.
Ashford RD, Brown AM, McDaniel J, Curtis B.Biased labels: An experimental study of language and stigma among individuals in recovery and health professionals.Subst Use Misuse. 2019;54(8):1376-1384. doi:10.1080/10826084.2019.1581221
Pickard H.Responsibility without blame for addiction.Neuroethics. 2017;10:169-180. doi:10.1007/s12152-016-9295-2
American Society of Addiction Medicine.Definition of addiction.
Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: The benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831
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