Ending a friendship can feel like a betrayal, a painful severing of shared memories and experiences.
However, just like romantic relationships, friendships grow and evolve. Not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime, and holding onto what no longer nourishes can leave us feeling drained.
The importance of setting boundaries andparting ways in romantic connectionshas become widely recognized. In the same way, it is equally necessary to do the same in friendships, as not every bond withstands the test of time.
1. Reflect on why you want to end the friendship
Shasta Nelson, Social Relationships expert and author, explains that there are two different types of friendship breakups: ‘Drifts’ and ‘Rifts.’
She explains that ‘drifts’ are where friends may have drifted apart from each other. These are breakups where nobody has done anything harmful; we just recognize one day that we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in a long time, perhaps due to a change in life circumstances.
‘Rifts,’ on the other hand, are where something has happened. We can point to it and say there was an ‘injury’ done to that relationship in one form or another.
If you are considering breaking up with a friend, consider whether there is an identifiable rift or whether the friendship is simply drifting.
Pinpointing reasons for your decision includes considering the friendship dynamics and assessing whether the friendship is reciprocal, fulfilling, and supportive. Pay attention to recurring issues:
Recognizing these patterns is not about assigning blame, but understanding the core reasons why this friendship is not working anymore.
Consider as well if you may be in atoxic relationshipwith your friend.
Signs of toxicity include:
It is usually advisable to end a relationship with someone who is toxic, to protect yourself from emotional manipulation or harm.
2. Ending a toxic relationship
If you feel like you are experiencing any of the above signs of toxicity from your friend, consider dissolving this friendship safely.
In some cases, the decision to break free is immediate and non-negotiable.
Ending a toxic friendship will be different from ending a non-toxic friendship. Pay attention to your emotional and mental well-being. Swift action is necessary if:
If your friend engages in toxic or abusive behavior, prioritize your safety, well-being, and mental health above all else. Trust your gut; if a friendship feels unsafe, escape the toxicity.
Keep records of incidents, conversations, and any other relevant information. Avoid making assumptions or exaggerating, as this may give the toxic friend an opportunity to undermine your credibility.
They will still likely deny or deflect, so it is important that you remain calm and assertive and stand firm in what you are saying.
If you are experiencing gaslighting from a friend,exposing or confronting themis generally not advised. Therapist Alyssa Mancaorecommends“the best way to outsmart a gaslighter is to disengage.”
She continues,
“You can show up to the discussion with a mountain of evidence, videos, recordings, and more, and a gaslighting person will still find a way to deflect, minimize, or deny. It is more worth it to walk away with your perception intact.”
As long as you have contact with the toxic friend, they may continue to manipulate and abuse you. If they arenarcissistic,they might tryhooveringor baiting to keep you as a source ofnarcissistic supply– their never-ending need for attention, admiration, and control.
By engaging with them (even if your intention is to hurt them), you are only feeding their ego. Thus, you must minimize contact with this person whenever possible.
Consider settingclear boundariesand communicating your concerns, but if the detrimental patterns persist, cutting ties is the healthiest option. This may involve limiting communication or avoiding spaces where you know they will be present.
Do not let guilt or manipulation trap you back into the cycle. Remember, prioritizing yourself is not selfish–it is essential.
If you fear retaliation, seek support from trusted friends, family, or professional counselors.
3. Have a conversation in person if possible
After deciding you want to break up with a friend, having a conversation in person is a respectful and considerate approach. Opting for face-to-face communication leaves little room for misinterpretation and provides both parties with closure.
Choose a neutral location (i.e., neither of your houses), free from distractions, and let them know you need to talk about something important.
Use “I” statements to convey your emotions without placing blame solely on your friend. For example:
If your friend has displayed questionable behaviors, choosing a written form of communication, such as a carefully crafted text, may be more suitable.
For example, you might text them saying:
Keep it concise, avoid unnecessary emotion, and keep a record of the text for potential future reference.
Regardless of the method chosen, honesty, tact, and a focus onpersonal boundarieswill help you to navigate this challenging conversation.
Avoidghosting your friendwithout explanation as this can be hurtful and confusing. Debatably, there can be instances whereghosting could be the right decision:
“I had previously had a conversation with my friend about her lack of effort months before, where she promised she would change. I tried multiple times to meet up in person, but she kept canceling. I even tried to arrange a phone call to discuss things instead, which I thought would be easier for her, but she never called or acknowledged that she didn’t call. I was tired of trying to reach out and not feeling respected, so I chose to ghost. I feel bad that I don’t have solid closure, but I think this was the right decision for me.”
Initiating the conversation about ending a friendship is undoubtedly delicate, and it is important to express your intentions withempathy.
To soften the blow, prioritize their feelings and let them know that your aim is not to hurt them. For instance, you could start with a gentle opener such as:
Furthermore, phrases like the following can help set the tone for an open and respectful dialogue:
Clearly communicate that your decision is about personal needs and boundaries rather than placing blame.
Avoid phrases like “It’s not you, it’s me,” as they can feel dismissive. Instead, acknowledge your shared history and express appreciation for the positive aspects of the friendship.
By opening the conversation with kindness and respect, it is more likely that both parties will find closure and you can part ways with dignity intact.
5. Be honest but avoid blame
Honesty is paramount, but it should be framed in a way that avoids blame and helps the person understand your perspective.
Steer away from accusatory language. Instead, share your feelings using “I” statements, emphasizing your own experiences, needs, and perceptions rather than pointing fingers.
For instance, “I have noticed that I feel down after our hangouts,” instead of the accusatory, “you always bring negativity, and your energy is draining.”
Instead of “you never listen,” try “when we talk, I often feel unheard.”
Another example is, “I have noticed that our priorities have shifted, and I feel it is best for me to step away from our friendship and focus on X (e.g., improving my well-being).”
This shift takes the focus off their perceived flaws and onto your own experience, helping them understand without becoming defensive.
Focus on your end goal, which is not to attack but to achieve a healthier dynamic or closure.
Unhelpful statements like “this friendship is not fulfilling for me anymore” might leave them confused about what “fulfilling” actually means. Instead, offer specific examples like “I miss the spontaneous adventures we used to have,” or “I feel I cannot be completely myself around you.”
Another unhelpful statement might sound like, “You always prioritize other things over our friendship.” However, a more constructive one could be, “I have been feeling a shift in your priorities, and I believe it is necessary for both of us to acknowledge and discuss it.”
Clear examples provide context and avoid ambiguity, making the conversation more productive and less hurtful.
By staying honest while avoiding blame, you pave the way for a respectful and amicable closing of the chapter or a genuine attempt to rebuild the friendship on healthier terms.
6. Hear their response
After expressing your feelings, allow space for your friend’s response. Be prepared to accept that their reaction may not align with your expectations.
They may react with surprise, sadness, disagreement, or even anger.Listen actively,allowing them to share their perspective without interruption.
If they propose a solution, carefully evaluate whether it aligns with your initial decision. While they may promise to change, consider if these adjustments are sustainable and address the core issues.
Stay true to your decision if you believe it is the right choice for your well-being. For instance, if a friend suggests making more time for the relationship but fails to acknowledge the deeper concerns, it might be a temporary fix.
Do not fall for empty promises or guilt trips–they rarely lead to lasting change. Acknowledge any solutions they propose, but stay true to your end goal. If their suggestions differ from your desired outcome, calmly reiterate your needs and boundaries.
Phrases like, “I appreciate your willingness to change, but ultimately, I need…” or “while I hear what you are saying, I have made my decision” can be helpful.
While a clean break might be painful, ensure your boundaries and needs are prioritized, even if it means making a tough decision for the sake of your mental health and personal growth.
7. Try to end on good terms
Ending a friendship on a positive note can provide closure and leave the door open for future reconnection (if that is what you want).
Consider whether you wish to leave the door open for potential reconnection someday. If so, suggest staying connected on social media (with boundaries established, if needed) or agree to check in with each other in a year’s time.
You could say something like, “while we may be parting ways for now, would it be okay if we check in a year from now? Things can change, and who knows what the future holds.”
Alternatively, if you are uncertain about future contact or a clean break feels right, emphasize your decision while maintaining a respectful tone. Use phrases like, “I need time to process this, and I respect your need for space as well” or “moving forward, I think it is best for both of us to go our separate ways.”
You may find later down the line that the friend has changed for the better, or the same issues may still arise and you have to end things again:
“I ended it with my best friend of 22 years twice. Once in 2012, at 16ish years of friendship. I can’t remember what I said, basically this isn’t working. In 2015, I got a happy birthday message from her and decided to see if she had changed. In some ways, she did, but she was still exhausting to be friends with. In 2020, I ended it again via text. I hadn’t seen her in almost a year, and she wanted to get together, and I was dreading it. I knew it had to be done. I said we are different people, and I didn’t have the energy for the friendship anymore.”
The right ending looks different for every friendship. Choose the approach that aligns with your needs and offers the closure you seek.
Key takeaways
References
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Cuncic, A., MA. (2023, October 24).It Sucks, But Sometimes Ending a Friendship Is Necessary—Here’s How to Do It.Verywell Mind.https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-end-friendship-4174037
Happiness.com. (2023, September 21).When to end a friendship and how to do it with kindness.https://www.happiness.com/magazine/relationships/when-to-end-a-friendship-how/
Menjivar, J. (n.d.).The Dos And Don’ts Of Friendship Drama.DoSomething.org.https://www.dosomething.org/us/articles/the-dos-and-donts-of-friend-drama
Regan, S. (2022, December 20).13 Signs Of Toxic Friends + How To Know When To Cut Ties. mbg Relationships.https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/toxic-friends
Reyes, M. I. (2023, December 17).When to End a Friendship: 7 Signs to Look for.Choosing Therapy.https://www.choosingtherapy.com/when-to-end-a-friendship/
Robinson, K. M. (2021, May 27).How to end a friendship.WebMD.https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/ending-a-friendship
Woods, S. (2023, December 28).How To End a Friendship: Tips From a Therapist.Choosing Therapy.https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-end-a-friendship/
Zarrabl, R. (2023, March 30).9 Signs That It’s Time To End A Friendship.Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/mindful-dating/202303/9-signs-its-time-to-end-a-friendship
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Haddi BrowneMental Health Writer, Mental Health Researcher, ProofreaderEducation BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Mental Health StudiesMiss Haddi Browne is a freelance mental health writer and proof-reader with over seven years of experience working as a professional researcher with a diverse range of clients across the lifespan, including young adults with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression.
Haddi BrowneMental Health Writer, Mental Health Researcher, ProofreaderEducation BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Mental Health Studies
Haddi Browne
Mental Health Writer, Mental Health Researcher, Proofreader
Education BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Mental Health Studies
Miss Haddi Browne is a freelance mental health writer and proof-reader with over seven years of experience working as a professional researcher with a diverse range of clients across the lifespan, including young adults with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression.
