Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsOvercoming Mental Spontaneity BlocksMore Intimacy May Increase SpontaneityLearn to Be More Spontaneous
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Overcoming Mental Spontaneity Blocks
More Intimacy May Increase Spontaneity
Learn to Be More Spontaneous
Close
Being spontaneous involveschanging up your routine with your partner. You might choose to plan something new or unexpected. Acts of spontaneity heighten the excitement in relationships.
Other individuals fear that making a change, even a small one, could mean losing control. If every summer you both visit your family in the south, suggesting a road trip on Route 66 might cause concern. You might worry your partner will not agree to visiting your family again next summer if you do something new this July.
This article unpacks the possible concerns around novelty in relationships and discusses ways you can begin to introduce more spontaneity into your relationship.
Let’s take a look at some reasons why you might fear adding some more spontaneity to your relationship.
Don’t Be Afraid of Rejection
Let’s say you’re in a long-term relationship. You feel like things are getting stale and distant between the two of you. If you’re honest with yourself, you’rebored. But proposing something novel feels like a big risk.
You want to suggest a weekend away from the kids in the mountains to spark things up, let’s say. But you’re afraid. What if your partner thinks this is a terrible idea? You know you’re apeople-pleaserorfear rejection. Or you’ve played the role of the person who goes along with things in the relationship since the beginning
“Playing it safe in your regular routine can make things feel stale and maintain an expected distance between you and your partner. By being the first one to initiate a new experience or way of relating, you are creating an opportunity for a new dynamic and way of connecting with each other,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Going more deeply with this fear-based thinking, you wonder what if the trip is a failure? You’re afraid it doesn’t pan out, you’ll feelguiltor shame for suggesting it. Because of your partner’s criticism or your own negative self-talk, you are pessimistic. You believe you will suffer the consequences of any misstep.
Work on Being More Vulnerable
If you’re in a relationship andhaving many conflicts, constant bickering could increase your stress levels. You won’t be OK with suggesting a spur-of-the-moment picnic on a sunny Saturday if you’ve been fighting all morning, nor will you want to.
Individuals who can voice their concerns and argue easily as well as individuals who are conflict-adverse might both feel uncomfortable suggesting novel date ideas. Or suddenly showing up for lunch at their partner’s office.
“Resist the urge to defensively protect yourself during arguments with your partner and instead lean into vulnerability,” says Romanoff.
Be More Confident
Stop Ruminating
If you obsessively replay negative scripts from the past or overthink things, you might be someone whoruminatestoo much. This can stop you from taking the next step in your career or deepening your relationship.
If you immerse your mind in all the bad things that happened to you in the past, you will likely opt to maintain the status quo rather than take risks. That means you’ll suggest going for a latte at your local café rather than trying anew sex positionwith the great person you’ve been dating for a year.
According to a recent studyrumination doesn’t only negatively impact your mental health and increase your emotional distress. This persistent focus on negativity affects your physical health as well.
The study reminds us that past research in psychological literature related predominantly to psychological disorders such as depression orpost-traumatic stress disorder. Current findings show that rumination relates to somatic problems too, especially intensification of pain symptoms. Rumination results in poor clinical outcomes, too.
While we all are guilty of repetitive thinking from time to time, when rumination impairs your ability to function, it’s time to seek out professional help.
Minimize Your Anxiety
Over 40 million adults in the US suffer with some form of anxiety.Those mired in anxiety struggle with spontaneity. For example, if they’re about to celebrate their anniversary with a special dinner, they’ve gone over the details including what to wear and what to order numerous times.
If their significant other says let’s go to the restaurant where we had our first date instead, it’s hard for those with anxiety to pivot and go with another plan.
Those who are anxiousworry about making decisionsthat aren’t perfect, stress about how others see them and are concerned with taking any risks.
Being spontaneous in a relationship can bring you and your partner closer together. You might, for example, decide in the moment toinitiate sex. If your regular night for intimacy with your significant other is over the weekend, surprise your partner on a Tuesday afternoon. Of course, get consent and honor boundaries.
Creating novel experiencesand spicing up your sex life will rekindle feelings of love. It takes us out of our routines and reminds us about our deep ties. It’s a proven way to improve our relationships.
10 Ways to Strengthen a Marriage and Avoid Divorce
Try These Things to Be More SpontaneousNow that you might be in a bit more of a spontaneous mindset, try to bring some of your spontaneity to your relationship:When you feel sexy, devote the afternoon to sex and intimacy.If you’re the planner and your partner is the spontaneous one, suggest two days of switching roles.Bring home or bake your partner’s favorite dessert.Surprise your partner with a gift for no reason.Take a spontaneous one-hour road trip.Play video games together.Take an exercise or cooking class together.Learn something entirely new together. Maybe watch a webinar about tiny houses or cryptocurrency.Ride a rollercoaster or go bungee jumping. Going on new adventures can boost your bond with your partner.
Try These Things to Be More Spontaneous
Now that you might be in a bit more of a spontaneous mindset, try to bring some of your spontaneity to your relationship:When you feel sexy, devote the afternoon to sex and intimacy.If you’re the planner and your partner is the spontaneous one, suggest two days of switching roles.Bring home or bake your partner’s favorite dessert.Surprise your partner with a gift for no reason.Take a spontaneous one-hour road trip.Play video games together.Take an exercise or cooking class together.Learn something entirely new together. Maybe watch a webinar about tiny houses or cryptocurrency.Ride a rollercoaster or go bungee jumping. Going on new adventures can boost your bond with your partner.
Now that you might be in a bit more of a spontaneous mindset, try to bring some of your spontaneity to your relationship:
A Word From Verywell
3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Sansone RA, Sansone LA.Rumination: relationships with physical health.Innov Clin Neurosci. 2012;9(2):29-34.National Alliance on Mental Illness.Anxiety Disorders.van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076
3 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Sansone RA, Sansone LA.Rumination: relationships with physical health.Innov Clin Neurosci. 2012;9(2):29-34.National Alliance on Mental Illness.Anxiety Disorders.van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Sansone RA, Sansone LA.Rumination: relationships with physical health.Innov Clin Neurosci. 2012;9(2):29-34.National Alliance on Mental Illness.Anxiety Disorders.van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076
Sansone RA, Sansone LA.Rumination: relationships with physical health.Innov Clin Neurosci. 2012;9(2):29-34.
National Alliance on Mental Illness.Anxiety Disorders.
van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076
Meet Our Review Board
Share Feedback
Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit
Was this page helpful?
Thanks for your feedback!
What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit
What is your feedback?
