How to Be More Sexually Intimate With Your Partner

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsHow to Be More Sexually IntimateCharacteristics of Sexually Intimate PeopleBenefitsPotential PitfallsFAQ

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

How to Be More Sexually Intimate

Characteristics of Sexually Intimate People

Benefits

Potential Pitfalls

FAQ

Between packed schedules and the seemingly endless items on your to-do list, finding the time (and, let’s be honest, energy) for sexual intimacy with your partner isn’t always easy. So, if you find yourself craving closeness but aren’t sure how to make it happen, know that you’re not alone.

Sexual intimacyinvolves engaging in sexual actions with someone with whom you feel connected. It is possible to have one but not the other (sex but not emotional intimacy or vice versa), but sexual intimacy typically involves feeling both. Sexual intimacy isn’t just fun😏—it’s actually good for your overall well-being. It improves sleep, boosts relationship satisfaction, and is associated with less depression and anxiety.

The great news is that you can bring more physical intimacy into your relationship, and it doesn’t require making any grand gestures or completely rearranging your life. Many factors can contribute to a dry spell when it comes to sex (stress, illness, relationship problems), but there are steps you can take to reconnect with your partner.

You can learn how to be more sexually intimate with your partner (and yourself!) through strategies such as scheduling sex, being more direct in asking for what you want, and taking time for self-pleasure.

Many couples get nervous when they’ve lost that sexual spark and intimacy, but it is a relatively common feeling—especially the longer you’ve been in a relationship—and there are plenty of ways to bring that spark back.

Get Into Self-Pleasure

Being sexual and being sexually intimate aren’t just related toforeplayand intercourse. Taking time to learn on your own what you like can help you in partnership, as well.

“Be comfortable with your own pleasure, and not just masturbation, but rather learning your own pleasure through exploring things, such as audio erotica or reading erotica,” says sex therapistCandice Cooper-Lovett, Phd, LMFT.

Candice Cooper-Lovett, Phd, LMFTIf you don’t know what you’re looking for, start with curiosity and erotica books. They may also give you ideas on things to do with your partner.

Candice Cooper-Lovett, Phd, LMFT

If you don’t know what you’re looking for, start with curiosity and erotica books. They may also give you ideas on things to do with your partner.

Not to mention—masturbation can help you feel empoweredandhelp your mental health. And self-pleasure also doesn’t even have to involve touching your genitals or an orgasm. It can include just touching and getting comfortable with your own body.

Schedule Sex

You put other fun things on your calendar, like a date with your partner or a class you want to hit at the gym—why wouldn’t you put sex on there, too?

Experience Things Together

Because emotional intimacy is a part of sexual intimacy, too,it’s important to foster sexual intimacy through activities that areoutsideof the bedroom.

“Have experiences that will bring you emotional intimacy,” says Cooper-Lovett. “For example, if you both like to travel or go to the theater, doing things like that can turn people on.”

Especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time,doing things outside of your normal everyday activitiescan be refreshing. Plus, something like seeing your partner master a new skill or wear something different can be sexy.

Have Outercourse

The definitions of what comprises outercourse are broad, so use your imagination. This can also be a chance to dip your toe into things you might want to try as a part of intercourse, but you want tobuild trust with your partner.

Put It In Writing

Cooper-Lovett says she loves the idea of something liketalking dirtythrough text messages. “It’s easier if you’retextingto say what you want,” she says.

Candice Cooper-Lovett, Phd, LMFTOften, we can have a hard time expressing what we want out loud and it’s easier in writing.

Often, we can have a hard time expressing what we want out loud and it’s easier in writing.

Research shows that more than 50% of adults engage in sexting, and many perceive it as a fun way to initiate contact with their partner.

Breaking Down the Most Important Elements of a Healthy Sex Life

Knowing what some of the characteristics are of sexually intimate people can help you see what you may want to incorporate into your life versus some characteristics you may already embody.

Sexually Intimate PeopleFeel physically and emotionally safeFeel as though they are having their needs metClear in communicating needs and wantsCan be sexually intimate without being physicalFeel safe in their own bodiesSexually Disconnected PeopleTurn to sex to numb emotionsHaving sex when intoxicatedHave a hard time saying no to sexUse sex to manipulateLack boundaries

Feel physically and emotionally safe

Feel as though they are having their needs met

Clear in communicating needs and wants

Can be sexually intimate without being physical

Feel safe in their own bodies

Sexually Disconnected PeopleTurn to sex to numb emotionsHaving sex when intoxicatedHave a hard time saying no to sexUse sex to manipulateLack boundaries

Turn to sex to numb emotions

Having sex when intoxicated

Have a hard time saying no to sex

Use sex to manipulate

Lack boundaries

How Important Is Sex in a Relationship?

Benefits of Being More Sexually Intimate

Building sexual intimacy can bring couples closer emotionally,as well as the following benefits:

How Does Sex Relieve Stress and Anxiety?

Potential Pitfalls of Being Less Sexually Intimate

You’ve just read about the reasons to be more sexually intimate—here’s some of the potential pitfalls oflesssexual intimacy.

Fear of Intimacy: Signs, Causes, and Coping Strategies

Takeaways

If you are in a relationship where you feel like you’ve lost that sexually intimate connection with your partner—know that you’re not alone. Nearly 50% of peoplereport feeling this way, particularly after they have been in a relationship for a long time.

Trying some of these tips may be helpful—and consider a physical for you and/or your partner if you’re really struggling with being more sexually intimate. One of you might be dealing with depression and/or some type of health issue.

Frequently Asked Questions

If you want to become more sexually active with your partner, one of the best ways to begin is to schedule sex. As unromantic as thatmaysound, it’s a surefire way to know you’ll get it in. But be realistic about a time that will work for you—don’t schedule morning sex if you’re always oversleeping and rushing to get the kids ready for school.

Talk about your needs and what is and isn’t working for you right now physically and emotionally in your relationship and what you need from your partner/what your partner can do.

If you feel like you’ve lost that loving feeling, it may feel absolutely terrifying to consider bringing that up to your partner(s). What if they’re not feeling the same way? However, odds are, they are feeling it too. If you’re wanting to bring up introducing a particular kink, speak up. “But be inclusive and transparent,” says Dr. Cooper-Lovett. “If one of you isn’t comfortable with the idea of it, try meeting in the middle.

How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

8 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Štulhofer A, Jurin T, Graham C, Janssen E, Træen B.Emotional intimacy and sexual well-being in aging European couples: a cross-cultural mediation analysis[published correction appears in Eur J Ageing. 2020 May 19;17(2):139-150. doi: 10.1007/s10433-020-00568-5].Eur J Ageing. 2019;17(1):43-54. doi:10.1007/s10433-019-00509-xHensel DJ, von Hippel CD, Lapage CC, Perkins RH.Women’s techniques for making vaginal penetration more pleasurable: Results from a nationally representative study of adult women in the United States.PLoS One. 2021;16(4):e0249242. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0249242Klettke B, Hallford DJ, Mellor DJ.Sexting prevalence and correlates: A systematic literature review.Clinical Psychology Review. 2014;34(1):44-53. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2013.10.007Schoebi D, Randall AK.Emotional dynamics in intimate relationships.Emotion Rev. 2015;7(4):342-348. doi:10.1177/1754073915590620Mollaioli D, Sansone A, Ciocca G, et al.Benefits of sexual activity on psychological, relational, and sexual health during the covid-19 breakout.The Journal of Sexual Medicine. 2021;18(1):35-49. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.10.008van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076Lee A, Kim TH, Lee HH, et al.Therapeutic approaches to atrophic vaginitis in postmenopausal women: A systematic review with a network meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials.J Menopausal Med. 2018;24(1):1-10. doi:10.6118/jmm.2018.24.1.1Flynn KE, Lin L, Bruner DW, et al.Sexual satisfaction and the importance of sexual health to quality of life throughout the life course of us adults.J Sex Med. 2016;13(11):1642-1650. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2016.08.011

8 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Štulhofer A, Jurin T, Graham C, Janssen E, Træen B.Emotional intimacy and sexual well-being in aging European couples: a cross-cultural mediation analysis[published correction appears in Eur J Ageing. 2020 May 19;17(2):139-150. doi: 10.1007/s10433-020-00568-5].Eur J Ageing. 2019;17(1):43-54. doi:10.1007/s10433-019-00509-xHensel DJ, von Hippel CD, Lapage CC, Perkins RH.Women’s techniques for making vaginal penetration more pleasurable: Results from a nationally representative study of adult women in the United States.PLoS One. 2021;16(4):e0249242. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0249242Klettke B, Hallford DJ, Mellor DJ.Sexting prevalence and correlates: A systematic literature review.Clinical Psychology Review. 2014;34(1):44-53. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2013.10.007Schoebi D, Randall AK.Emotional dynamics in intimate relationships.Emotion Rev. 2015;7(4):342-348. doi:10.1177/1754073915590620Mollaioli D, Sansone A, Ciocca G, et al.Benefits of sexual activity on psychological, relational, and sexual health during the covid-19 breakout.The Journal of Sexual Medicine. 2021;18(1):35-49. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.10.008van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076Lee A, Kim TH, Lee HH, et al.Therapeutic approaches to atrophic vaginitis in postmenopausal women: A systematic review with a network meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials.J Menopausal Med. 2018;24(1):1-10. doi:10.6118/jmm.2018.24.1.1Flynn KE, Lin L, Bruner DW, et al.Sexual satisfaction and the importance of sexual health to quality of life throughout the life course of us adults.J Sex Med. 2016;13(11):1642-1650. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2016.08.011

Štulhofer A, Jurin T, Graham C, Janssen E, Træen B.Emotional intimacy and sexual well-being in aging European couples: a cross-cultural mediation analysis[published correction appears in Eur J Ageing. 2020 May 19;17(2):139-150. doi: 10.1007/s10433-020-00568-5].Eur J Ageing. 2019;17(1):43-54. doi:10.1007/s10433-019-00509-xHensel DJ, von Hippel CD, Lapage CC, Perkins RH.Women’s techniques for making vaginal penetration more pleasurable: Results from a nationally representative study of adult women in the United States.PLoS One. 2021;16(4):e0249242. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0249242Klettke B, Hallford DJ, Mellor DJ.Sexting prevalence and correlates: A systematic literature review.Clinical Psychology Review. 2014;34(1):44-53. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2013.10.007Schoebi D, Randall AK.Emotional dynamics in intimate relationships.Emotion Rev. 2015;7(4):342-348. doi:10.1177/1754073915590620Mollaioli D, Sansone A, Ciocca G, et al.Benefits of sexual activity on psychological, relational, and sexual health during the covid-19 breakout.The Journal of Sexual Medicine. 2021;18(1):35-49. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.10.008van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076Lee A, Kim TH, Lee HH, et al.Therapeutic approaches to atrophic vaginitis in postmenopausal women: A systematic review with a network meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials.J Menopausal Med. 2018;24(1):1-10. doi:10.6118/jmm.2018.24.1.1Flynn KE, Lin L, Bruner DW, et al.Sexual satisfaction and the importance of sexual health to quality of life throughout the life course of us adults.J Sex Med. 2016;13(11):1642-1650. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2016.08.011

Hensel DJ, von Hippel CD, Lapage CC, Perkins RH.Women’s techniques for making vaginal penetration more pleasurable: Results from a nationally representative study of adult women in the United States.PLoS One. 2021;16(4):e0249242. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0249242

Klettke B, Hallford DJ, Mellor DJ.Sexting prevalence and correlates: A systematic literature review.Clinical Psychology Review. 2014;34(1):44-53. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2013.10.007

Schoebi D, Randall AK.Emotional dynamics in intimate relationships.Emotion Rev. 2015;7(4):342-348. doi:10.1177/1754073915590620

Mollaioli D, Sansone A, Ciocca G, et al.Benefits of sexual activity on psychological, relational, and sexual health during the covid-19 breakout.The Journal of Sexual Medicine. 2021;18(1):35-49. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.10.008

van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076

Lee A, Kim TH, Lee HH, et al.Therapeutic approaches to atrophic vaginitis in postmenopausal women: A systematic review with a network meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials.J Menopausal Med. 2018;24(1):1-10. doi:10.6118/jmm.2018.24.1.1

Flynn KE, Lin L, Bruner DW, et al.Sexual satisfaction and the importance of sexual health to quality of life throughout the life course of us adults.J Sex Med. 2016;13(11):1642-1650. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2016.08.011

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Get Into Self-Pleasure#

Candice Cooper-Lovett, Phd, LMFT#

Schedule Sex#

Experience Things Together#

Have Outercourse#

Put It In Writing#

Benefits of Being More Sexually Intimate#

Potential Pitfalls of Being Less Sexually Intimate#

Takeaways#

Frequently Asked Questions#