How to Be More Assertive

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWays to Be More AssertiveCharacteristicsBenefitsPitfallsFrequently Asked QuestionsA Word From Verywell

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Ways to Be More Assertive

Characteristics

Benefits

Pitfalls

Frequently Asked Questions

A Word From Verywell

Assertiveness is a character trait that helps you communicate confidently and effectively. It helps people understand exactly where you stand and what your boundaries are in conversations. While being assertive comes naturally to some people, it can be a struggle for others.

People withsocial anxietyor low self-esteem often struggle with being assertive. However, assertiveness can be learned.Learn how to be more assertive, why it’s essential, and how it can benefit you in your day-to-day life.

If you’ve struggled with asserting yourself, the good news is there are many ways to change this. Being assertive is a character trait that can be learned and honed. These are some ways you can do that.

Learn to say no

One of the top character traits of non-assertive people is that they often struggle with saying no, even when their boundaries are breached. Learning to say no in a respectful but firm way helps to communicate andmaintain your boundarieswith people.

When saying no, remember that an explanation isn’t always required. Simply saying, “No, I don’t have the capacity to fulfill that request,” or “No, I can’t make time for that right now” suffices. Some research shows that simply saying no can increase your assertiveness and improve your mental health.

Practice makes perfect

Assertiveness is a skill that can benefit you in all communications, even with friends, parents, or partners. If you are learning to be more assertive for a particular reason, let’s say to be more recognized at work, you should practice skills that hone assertiveness all the time, even when you are not at work.

Keep a journal

A journal gives you more insight into how you think and behave. Many non-assertive people don’t even realize that they are not assertive. They experiencefrustrations communicatingtheir wants and needs but don’t realize why. When journaling, you should seek to answer questions such as:

Speak to a professional

In certain instances, there might be an underlying reason for your passiveness. This could either be anxiety, fear, or amental health condition. A qualified psychologist or therapist can help you discover the root cause and equip you with the tools to manage it.

Start small but be consistent

Being assertive in your day-to-day life will get you on your way tobecoming a naturally assertive person. The prospect of suddenly becoming an outspoken person can be daunting so start small. The next time your barista gets your coffee order wrong, speak up.

Communicate inconveniences you’d typically overlook in a polite but firm manner. Do this consistently and watch yourself become naturally assertive.

Let your body speak

Body languageis a universal language. You can communicate a lot of unspoken words with your body. When speaking, stand upright with your head held high and maintain eye contact with the person you are talking to in order to communicate confidence and self-assuredness.

Characteristics of Assertive People

To further understand what it means to be assertive, here are some character traits of assertive people and how they may differ from passive people. These character traits will help you understand how assertive people think and what behaviors make them assertive. Note that it is possible to possess a variety of traits in both categories.

Assertive PeopleKnow when to say no and have no problems with itKnow what they want and communicate itEffectively advocate for themselves when the need arisesDon’t always seek to please even when it’s detrimentalAre self-confident and have high self esteemsTake on responsibilityPassive PeopleStruggle with saying the word noJust go with the flow even when it’s inconvenientStruggle to advocate for themselvesCan be people, pleasers, even when it’s detrimentalMay have low-self esteem and struggle with self-confidence.Avoid responsibility

Know when to say no and have no problems with it

Know what they want and communicate it

Effectively advocate for themselves when the need arises

Don’t always seek to please even when it’s detrimental

Are self-confident and have high self esteems

Take on responsibility

Passive PeopleStruggle with saying the word noJust go with the flow even when it’s inconvenientStruggle to advocate for themselvesCan be people, pleasers, even when it’s detrimentalMay have low-self esteem and struggle with self-confidence.Avoid responsibility

Struggle with saying the word no

Just go with the flow even when it’s inconvenient

Struggle to advocate for themselves

Can be people, pleasers, even when it’s detrimental

May have low-self esteem and struggle with self-confidence.

Avoid responsibility

Benefits of Being More Assertive

Being more assertive is key to getting the things you want. It helps you effectively communicate your needs, wants, and boundaries to others. For instance, at a job interview, being assertive can make all the difference when negotiating your dream salary. Here are some otherbenefits of being more assertive:

Assertiveness Can Improve Your Relationships—Here’s How

Potential Pitfalls of Being Less Assertive

Non-assertive people often have a host of reasons for being passive. It could be because of fear of confrontation or a lack of self-confidence. However, being passive has potential pitfalls that could come in the way of you and your goals. Here are a few disadvantages non-assertive people face:

Assertiveness in a relationship is essential forhealthy communication. Talking openly and honestly about your feelings with your partner helps you to build a deeper connection with them. When you shy away from difficult conversations because of passiveness, it can foster hostility.

People sometimes mistake assertion for aggression. However, being assertive means, you are asking to be respected while communicating respectfully. Mutual respect is key to effective communication. Don’t raise your voice or appear hostile when communicating; remain calm and composed. Leaning into the other person’s personal space or keeping your arms crossed can be aggressive.

If you’ve spent your whole life being a non-assertive person, you should know that becoming an assertive person might not happen overnight. You’ll need to practice skills to make you more assertive consistently, and while that could feel uncomfortable or foreign at first, it’ll quickly become second nature with time.

Even when you are just starting, you’ll soon begin to see the benefits of being an assertive person, motivating you to keep at it. It’s essential not to conflate being assertive with being confrontational. Assertiveness also means listening to and respecting the person you are communicating with.

4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Pfafman T. Assertiveness. In: Zeigler-Hill V, Shackelford TK, eds.Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences.Springer International Publishing; 2017:1-7. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-28099-8_1044-1Pourjali F, Zarnaghash M.Relationships between assertiveness and the power of saying no with mental health among undergraduate student.Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences. 2010;9:137-141. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2010.12.126Ghazavi Z, Feshangchi S, Alavi M, Keshvari M.Effect of a family-oriented communication skills training program on depression, anxiety, and stress in older adults: a randomized clinical trial.Nurs Midwifery Stud. 2016;Inpress. doi:10.17795%2Fnmsjournal28550Eslami AA, Rabiei L, Afzali SM, Hamidizadeh S, Masoudi R.The effectiveness of assertiveness training on the levels of stress, anxiety, and depression of high school students.Iran Red Crescent Med J. 2016;18(1). doi:10.5812%2Fircmj.21096

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Pfafman T. Assertiveness. In: Zeigler-Hill V, Shackelford TK, eds.Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences.Springer International Publishing; 2017:1-7. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-28099-8_1044-1Pourjali F, Zarnaghash M.Relationships between assertiveness and the power of saying no with mental health among undergraduate student.Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences. 2010;9:137-141. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2010.12.126Ghazavi Z, Feshangchi S, Alavi M, Keshvari M.Effect of a family-oriented communication skills training program on depression, anxiety, and stress in older adults: a randomized clinical trial.Nurs Midwifery Stud. 2016;Inpress. doi:10.17795%2Fnmsjournal28550Eslami AA, Rabiei L, Afzali SM, Hamidizadeh S, Masoudi R.The effectiveness of assertiveness training on the levels of stress, anxiety, and depression of high school students.Iran Red Crescent Med J. 2016;18(1). doi:10.5812%2Fircmj.21096

Pfafman T. Assertiveness. In: Zeigler-Hill V, Shackelford TK, eds.Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences.Springer International Publishing; 2017:1-7. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-28099-8_1044-1Pourjali F, Zarnaghash M.Relationships between assertiveness and the power of saying no with mental health among undergraduate student.Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences. 2010;9:137-141. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2010.12.126Ghazavi Z, Feshangchi S, Alavi M, Keshvari M.Effect of a family-oriented communication skills training program on depression, anxiety, and stress in older adults: a randomized clinical trial.Nurs Midwifery Stud. 2016;Inpress. doi:10.17795%2Fnmsjournal28550Eslami AA, Rabiei L, Afzali SM, Hamidizadeh S, Masoudi R.The effectiveness of assertiveness training on the levels of stress, anxiety, and depression of high school students.Iran Red Crescent Med J. 2016;18(1). doi:10.5812%2Fircmj.21096

Pourjali F, Zarnaghash M.Relationships between assertiveness and the power of saying no with mental health among undergraduate student.Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences. 2010;9:137-141. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2010.12.126

Ghazavi Z, Feshangchi S, Alavi M, Keshvari M.Effect of a family-oriented communication skills training program on depression, anxiety, and stress in older adults: a randomized clinical trial.Nurs Midwifery Stud. 2016;Inpress. doi:10.17795%2Fnmsjournal28550

Eslami AA, Rabiei L, Afzali SM, Hamidizadeh S, Masoudi R.The effectiveness of assertiveness training on the levels of stress, anxiety, and depression of high school students.Iran Red Crescent Med J. 2016;18(1). doi:10.5812%2Fircmj.21096

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Learn to say no#

Practice makes perfect#

Keep a journal#

Speak to a professional#

Start small but be consistent#

Let your body speak#

Characteristics of Assertive People#

Benefits of Being More Assertive#

Potential Pitfalls of Being Less Assertive#