How to Be More Affectionate

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsHow to Be More AffectionateCharacteristics of Affectionate PeopleBenefitsPotential PitfallsFAQ

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

How to Be More Affectionate

Characteristics of Affectionate People

Benefits

Potential Pitfalls

FAQ

Close

Affectionis one of the most straightforward ways that we show our loved ones we care for them and it can be expressed in many different ways. Affection refers to a fondness or liking for someone.

Some people offer affection through touch, while others say nice things, write sweet notes, or plan quality time with their loved ones. Affectionate touch is important for the well-being of children and adults alike.

If you struggle to give affection, it can be challenging to know what to do to become more affectionate. But it’s worth the effort: In as much as alack of affectionleads to sadness and loneliness, more affection makes us happier people who are more resilient to stress.

Being more affectionate can improve your relationships, but it can be hard to know where to begin, especially if you come from a family background that didn’t offer much affection.

If you want to be more affectionate, here are some methods you can employ to become more affectionate.

Learn Your Love Language

It’s believed that there arefive different wayspeople prefer to give and receive love. These include words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.

Knowing more about yourself can lead to stronger comfort and relaxation, which in turn can make affection feel less stressful for you.lol

You can also ask your loved ones how they prefer to receive love and then aim to show them the type of affection that they desire.

Take the QuizTake our freelove language quizto find out which of the love languages you identify with the most.

Take the Quiz

Take our freelove language quizto find out which of the love languages you identify with the most.

Share Your Feelings

No good comes from struggling alone. In fact, the act of sharing your feelings with others you feel safe with has been proven to reduce stress.

Be Honest If Sharing Your Feelings Is ToughIf you know that your partner, family, or friends would like you to be more affectionate, but you’re finding it difficult, the best step to take to get started is to tell them about how it’s hard for you.

Be Honest If Sharing Your Feelings Is Tough

If you know that your partner, family, or friends would like you to be more affectionate, but you’re finding it difficult, the best step to take to get started is to tell them about how it’s hard for you.

Entering this conversation after having learned about your love language is helpful because it shows this is a topic you care about and have looked into, and you can discuss what you’ve learned as well as how you’ll use that knowledge to be more affectionate.

Make a Conscientious Effort to Be More Physical

It might seem counterintuitive because it doesn’t feel natural, but sometimes the only way to move through a difficult task is simply to do it. Chances are that you have the ability to enjoy giving and receiving physical touch.

Here are some things you can try:

What’s most important when you begin doing these things is to be mindful and notice how these acts make you feel.

Hugs relieve stress, but benefits go beyond that—they make our immune systems stronger, too.if you pay attention tohow you feel when you hug someone, you’ll likely notice how wonderful it feels. Then, once you realize that, you might do it more often until it feels more natural to you.

ReminderBefore engaging in physical contact, make sure you have consent to do so! Once, you have consent, feel free to enjoy being physically affectionate with loved ones and friends.

Reminder

Before engaging in physical contact, make sure you have consent to do so! Once, you have consent, feel free to enjoy being physically affectionate with loved ones and friends.

Set Time Aside For Your Loved Ones

Every relationship needs time spent together to flourish.Quality timeis the act of being present and engaged when you spend time with someone. Quality time does not include sitting next to each other in the same room but you’re both on your phone.

If you’re a very busy person who’s short on time, don’t fear that you have to change your schedule entirely to accommodate quality time with a loved one. This is more about intention and quality than quantity. Whatever amount of time you know you can be present for is the right amount to start with.

Practice On People You Feel Most Safe With

When creating positive changes in our lives, we’re best served to start taking new actions with the people we feel the safest with. That’s because you remove a lot of stress and worry about what someone will think of you when you already trust and know that someone loves and accepts you.

If you’ve been clear to someone and had the conversation about affection being a challenge for you, and that conversation went well, you should be able to feel safe with them in practicing affection.

You Can Schedule AffectionYou can even speak with your loved ones and schedule time for affection. Maybe you’ll ask for a hug each day or maybe you’ll text your mother or your partner “goodnight” more often.

You Can Schedule Affection

You can even speak with your loved ones and schedule time for affection. Maybe you’ll ask for a hug each day or maybe you’ll text your mother or your partner “goodnight” more often.

You might not realize all of the ways that becoming more affectionate can improve your life. Let’s look at the differences between people who show affection to others, and people who don’t.

AffectionateHave higher self-esteemExperience less depressionAre perceived as lovingExperience less stressHave stronger immune systemsNot AffectionateHave lower self-esteemExperience more depressionAre perceived as not lovingExperience more stressHave weaker immune systems

AffectionateHave higher self-esteemExperience less depressionAre perceived as lovingExperience less stressHave stronger immune systems

Have higher self-esteem

Experience less depression

Are perceived as loving

Experience less stress

Have stronger immune systems

Not AffectionateHave lower self-esteemExperience more depressionAre perceived as not lovingExperience more stressHave weaker immune systems

Have lower self-esteem

Experience more depression

Are perceived as not loving

Experience more stress

Have weaker immune systems

Benefits of Becoming More Affectionate

There are many benefits of expressing and receiving affection. These are some of the most common ones:

Potential Pitfalls of Being Less Affectionate

Because being affectionate is healthy for you and for those you love, there are downsides to not being affectionate. These are common ones:

Can You Be Too Affectionate?

Frequently Asked Questions

Frequently Asked QuestionsIt might be challenging for you to show affection because your own family wasn’t very affectionate. Or, you may have trauma to work through that makes expressing affection hard. It’s also possible that you just naturally aren’t someone who expresses their love for others through affection.Speaking to amental health professionalcan help you explore this further.In order to fix a problem, you have to acknowledge it. Speak with your partner about how their lack of affection impacts you.One example of a way to tell someone that their lack of affection is bothering you is to say, “I have been feeling sad because I need more affection than I’m receiving in this relationship. It would make me really happy if you were willing to work on becoming more affectionate.“If this still doesn’t produce the results you’re looking for, it might help to enlist the help of asex/relationship therapist.

It might be challenging for you to show affection because your own family wasn’t very affectionate. Or, you may have trauma to work through that makes expressing affection hard. It’s also possible that you just naturally aren’t someone who expresses their love for others through affection.Speaking to amental health professionalcan help you explore this further.

It might be challenging for you to show affection because your own family wasn’t very affectionate. Or, you may have trauma to work through that makes expressing affection hard. It’s also possible that you just naturally aren’t someone who expresses their love for others through affection.

Speaking to amental health professionalcan help you explore this further.

In order to fix a problem, you have to acknowledge it. Speak with your partner about how their lack of affection impacts you.One example of a way to tell someone that their lack of affection is bothering you is to say, “I have been feeling sad because I need more affection than I’m receiving in this relationship. It would make me really happy if you were willing to work on becoming more affectionate.“If this still doesn’t produce the results you’re looking for, it might help to enlist the help of asex/relationship therapist.

In order to fix a problem, you have to acknowledge it. Speak with your partner about how their lack of affection impacts you.

One example of a way to tell someone that their lack of affection is bothering you is to say, “I have been feeling sad because I need more affection than I’m receiving in this relationship. It would make me really happy if you were willing to work on becoming more affectionate.”

If this still doesn’t produce the results you’re looking for, it might help to enlist the help of asex/relationship therapist.

A Word From Verywell

Embarking on any journey of self-change can be daunting, but you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can help, and if you’re experiencing the desire to be more affectionate in the context of a romantic relationship, speaking to a therapist who specializes in relationships can be particularly helpful for you.

7 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Dictionary.com.Affection.Jakubiak BK, Feeney BC.Affectionate touch to promote relational, psychological, and physical well-being in adulthood: a theoretical model and review of the research.Pers Soc Psychol Rev. 2017 Aug;21(3):228–52.Floyd K, Ray CD.The biology of affection[Internet]. Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Communication. 2016 [cited 2022 Aug 9].Townsend SSM, Kim HS, Mesquita B.Are you feeling what i’m feeling? Emotional similarity buffers stress.Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2014 Jul;5(5):526–33.Cohen S, Janicki-Deverts D, Turner RB, Doyle WJ.Does hugging provide stress-buffering social support? A study of susceptibility to upper respiratory infection and illness.Psychol Sci. 2015 Feb;26(2):135–47.Schneiderman I, Zagoory-Sharon O, Leckman JF, Feldman R.Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2012 Aug;37(8):1277–85.Mehulić J, Kamenov Ž.Mental health in affectionate, antagonistic, and ambivalent relationships during the covid-19 pandemic: a latent profile analysis.Front Psychol. 2021 Sep 1;12:631615.

7 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Dictionary.com.Affection.Jakubiak BK, Feeney BC.Affectionate touch to promote relational, psychological, and physical well-being in adulthood: a theoretical model and review of the research.Pers Soc Psychol Rev. 2017 Aug;21(3):228–52.Floyd K, Ray CD.The biology of affection[Internet]. Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Communication. 2016 [cited 2022 Aug 9].Townsend SSM, Kim HS, Mesquita B.Are you feeling what i’m feeling? Emotional similarity buffers stress.Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2014 Jul;5(5):526–33.Cohen S, Janicki-Deverts D, Turner RB, Doyle WJ.Does hugging provide stress-buffering social support? A study of susceptibility to upper respiratory infection and illness.Psychol Sci. 2015 Feb;26(2):135–47.Schneiderman I, Zagoory-Sharon O, Leckman JF, Feldman R.Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2012 Aug;37(8):1277–85.Mehulić J, Kamenov Ž.Mental health in affectionate, antagonistic, and ambivalent relationships during the covid-19 pandemic: a latent profile analysis.Front Psychol. 2021 Sep 1;12:631615.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Dictionary.com.Affection.Jakubiak BK, Feeney BC.Affectionate touch to promote relational, psychological, and physical well-being in adulthood: a theoretical model and review of the research.Pers Soc Psychol Rev. 2017 Aug;21(3):228–52.Floyd K, Ray CD.The biology of affection[Internet]. Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Communication. 2016 [cited 2022 Aug 9].Townsend SSM, Kim HS, Mesquita B.Are you feeling what i’m feeling? Emotional similarity buffers stress.Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2014 Jul;5(5):526–33.Cohen S, Janicki-Deverts D, Turner RB, Doyle WJ.Does hugging provide stress-buffering social support? A study of susceptibility to upper respiratory infection and illness.Psychol Sci. 2015 Feb;26(2):135–47.Schneiderman I, Zagoory-Sharon O, Leckman JF, Feldman R.Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2012 Aug;37(8):1277–85.Mehulić J, Kamenov Ž.Mental health in affectionate, antagonistic, and ambivalent relationships during the covid-19 pandemic: a latent profile analysis.Front Psychol. 2021 Sep 1;12:631615.

Dictionary.com.Affection.

Jakubiak BK, Feeney BC.Affectionate touch to promote relational, psychological, and physical well-being in adulthood: a theoretical model and review of the research.Pers Soc Psychol Rev. 2017 Aug;21(3):228–52.

Floyd K, Ray CD.The biology of affection[Internet]. Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Communication. 2016 [cited 2022 Aug 9].

Townsend SSM, Kim HS, Mesquita B.Are you feeling what i’m feeling? Emotional similarity buffers stress.Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2014 Jul;5(5):526–33.

Cohen S, Janicki-Deverts D, Turner RB, Doyle WJ.Does hugging provide stress-buffering social support? A study of susceptibility to upper respiratory infection and illness.Psychol Sci. 2015 Feb;26(2):135–47.

Schneiderman I, Zagoory-Sharon O, Leckman JF, Feldman R.Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2012 Aug;37(8):1277–85.

Mehulić J, Kamenov Ž.Mental health in affectionate, antagonistic, and ambivalent relationships during the covid-19 pandemic: a latent profile analysis.Front Psychol. 2021 Sep 1;12:631615.

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