How to Be Direct Without Being Perceived as Rude

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsDirectness and RudenessIntent Versus PerceptionBenefits of DirectnessConsequences of RudenessHow to Be Direct (And Not Rude)Keep in Mind

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Directness and Rudeness

Intent Versus Perception

Benefits of Directness

Consequences of Rudeness

How to Be Direct (And Not Rude)

Keep in Mind

Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were speaking your mind in a clear and concise way, but suddenly someone is telling you you’re being rude? You never intended to come off that way, so what went wrong?

The truth is, there is a fine line betweendirectand rude communication styles, and that same statement you just made can be seen as direct or rude depending on many factors, including culture, context, nonverbal cues, andneurotype. Interpreting a direct statement as rude can lead to conflict and miscommunication. When two people have different communication styles, their perceptions can differ, causing direct communication to be perceived as rudeness.

As a psychologist, I often hear from clients about how they are perceived as rude when they are trying to be direct or assertive. Additionally, as an autistic person, I have had my share of experiences being perceived as rude when I am simply trying to express myself.

By learning more about direct communication styles, we can extend grace to those who are misperceived as rude. We can avoid miscommunication related to tone and perception that do not match intent.

Direct communication refers to when someone says exactly what they mean, often without hedging, sugarcoating, or beating around the bush. Direct communicators are straight-to-the-point, open, and honest. At the same time, they can be blunt, which can come across as harsh. Rude communication occurs when someone is insulting or impolite.

When a direct communicator gets straight to the point or is “brutally” honest, they can be perceived as rude. Experience and internalized bias can impact whether we perceive someone as rude versus direct.

For instance, research about patient perceptions of healthcare providers’communicationstyle shows that women are more likely to be perceived as rude, while men are perceived as direct.Black women are especially at risk for accusations of rudeness.

Direct communicators can also struggle to understandindirect communication. Someone who is used to simply saying what you mean might not pick up on indirect cues or hints. This can further cause frustration when someone who is less direct thinks that they are being ignored when the direct communicator simply does not understand what they are hinting at.

By understanding how our internalized biases color our perceptions of other people’s intents, we can both understand and respond to direct communication in more effective ways.

There are times when intent is not relevant. For instance, if someone is outright insulting or harmful in their communication, this is objectively rude rather than simply direct. At the same time, exclusively focusing on how communication is perceived rather than how it is intended can be even more harmful than rude communication.

Tone Policing isn’t helpfulTone policing refers to emphasizing someone’scommunication styleover the message they are trying to convey. For instance, as noted in the previous section, Black women are accused of rudeness at a higher rate than men and white people. This tone policing aims to silence someone from calling out systemic harm. When someone is accused of being rude, it is easier to ignore their message.

Tone Policing isn’t helpful

Tone policing refers to emphasizing someone’scommunication styleover the message they are trying to convey. For instance, as noted in the previous section, Black women are accused of rudeness at a higher rate than men and white people. This tone policing aims to silence someone from calling out systemic harm. When someone is accused of being rude, it is easier to ignore their message.

Neurotype (referring to someone beingneurodivergentor neurotypical) also impacts communication style and how someone is perceived. Manyautistic peoplein particular experience accusations of rudeness when we are simply trying to be honest due to different expectations around social behaviors and nonverbal communication.

Shiri Bailem, an autistic adult, shared: “They [neurotypical people] mostly consider us rude because they operate on a social hierarchy as identity as opposed to us operating on values. When we refuse to participate in their various social jockeying behaviors it’s interpreted as us perceiving them to be beneath us. They literally can’t imagine that someone would refuse to engage in that way for any other reason than to be condescending and dismissive.”

When someone’s communication style seems rude, focus on the underlying message rather than the intent behind their words. Are they relaying useful information but doing so in a way that does not match what you are used to? If yes, consider what you can learn rather than getting lost in your perception over their intent.

What’s Your Communication Style? Take the Quiz and Find Out

Communication is one of the most essential components of any interpersonal relationship, it allows us to feel both seen and heard in our lives. If you want to know what your communication style is, take this free quiz and find out!

Directcommunicationis certainly beneficial for many reasons:

Those who are perceived as rude, whether intentional or not, face social,professional, and personal consequences, including:

It is important to note that tone policing and prejudices that lead to directness being labeled as rudeness are not the fault of the so-called “rude” individual. Blaming someone who experiences systemic harm for how someone perceives theircommunicationis unproductive and unhelpful.

With this said, those who want to tweak their communication style to be less rude, or those who in fact tend towards insulting and brash communication style can use these tips to lean more towards directness and away from rudeness:

Additionally, those who might be more abrasive in theircommunication stylecan work to be direct without crossing into rudeness.

The Importance of Mindful Communication for Mental Health

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Baker, Paul, and Gavin Brookes. “Lovely nurses, rude receptionists, and patronising doctors Determining the impact of gender stereotyping on patient feedback.“The Routledge Handbook of Language, Gender, and Sexuality. Routledge, 2021. 559-571.Henning T. “I said what i said”—black women and argumentative politeness norms.IL. 2021;41(1):17-39.

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Baker, Paul, and Gavin Brookes. “Lovely nurses, rude receptionists, and patronising doctors Determining the impact of gender stereotyping on patient feedback.“The Routledge Handbook of Language, Gender, and Sexuality. Routledge, 2021. 559-571.Henning T. “I said what i said”—black women and argumentative politeness norms.IL. 2021;41(1):17-39.

Baker, Paul, and Gavin Brookes. “Lovely nurses, rude receptionists, and patronising doctors Determining the impact of gender stereotyping on patient feedback.“The Routledge Handbook of Language, Gender, and Sexuality. Routledge, 2021. 559-571.Henning T. “I said what i said”—black women and argumentative politeness norms.IL. 2021;41(1):17-39.

Henning T. “I said what i said”—black women and argumentative politeness norms.IL. 2021;41(1):17-39.

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Tone Policing isn’t helpful#

What’s Your Communication Style? Take the Quiz and Find Out#

Tone Policing isn’t helpful

What’s Your Communication Style? Take the Quiz and Find Out