Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsEducate YourselfSupport Their EffortsValidate Their ExperiencesDon’t Ignore ThreatsSelf-CareTakeaways
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Educate Yourself
Support Their Efforts
Validate Their Experiences
Don’t Ignore Threats
Self-Care
Takeaways
Close
Relationship problems are one of the hallmarks ofborderline personality disorder(BPD). From the perspective of a friend, these relationships can seem intense, confusing, and conflicted. You might feel like they areputting you on a pedestalat one moment, only to turn on you with scorn the next.
How do you make sense of it while still trying to be a good friend?
It’s important to acknowledge that being friends with someone with BPD will probably never be simple or easy. There may be times when your friend feels totally hopeless or out of control, causing you to feel helpless as well. But it’s just as important to remember that they also have wonderful qualities that make them a great friend.
At a Glance
Verywell / Theresa Chiechi
Educate Yourself About Borderline Personality Disorder
Knowledge really is power. If you have a friend with BPD, one of the best things you can do is learn more about their condition. You’ll be better able to make sense of their sometimes confusing behaviors once you know that unstable moods and emotions characterize BPD.
This understanding can also help you know how to support and respond when things start to get rocky. Instead of turning misunderstandings into major arguments, you’ll know when it’s best to walk away from a disagreement until things start to settle down.
Of course, recognizing the symptoms doesn’t always make them easy to deal with. However, it can help you develop ideas for coping and taking steps to protect your mental well-being.
Sometimes, people with BPD engage in behaviors that can seem manipulative, mean-spirited, or destructive.A deep understanding of the disorder can help you recognize these behaviors for what they are: symptoms. Understanding that these behaviors are not intended to harm you may help you build moreempathyfor your friend so you can better support them.
Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder
Support Their Efforts to Get Professional Help
Trying to force someone to get professional help rarely works, no matter how badly they need it (unless, of course, it’s an emergency situation).
Youcansupport your friend when they decide to get help, however.This may mean telling your friend that you are proud of them for asking for help or that you think seeking help is a courageous choice. Or it may mean offering rides to appointments or making an effort to visit if they’re in the hospital.
No matter how you express your support, it will mean a lot to them just to know you are 100% behind them.
In fact, research suggests thatsocial supportcan make all the difference. For example, one study found that people with BPD who have support and stability in their personal lives often see improvement in their symptoms sooner than those who lack support.
People with BPD who have support and stability in their personal lives often see improvement in their symptoms sooner than those who lack support.
Coping Skills for Borderline Personality Disorder
Validate Your Friend’s Experiences
People with BPD tend to experience strong emotions—overwhelming feelings that are sometimes really hard to cope with. One way you can support them is to listen and validate how they are feeling.
That doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with their evaluation of a situation or feel that the intensity of their feelings is justified. What you can do, however, is listen and acknowledge the difficulty of their feelings.
This type of validation can be particularly important for people with BPD. In many cases, people with they may have grown up inemotionally invalidating environments. For that reason, they expect that no one will care how they feel.Giving them the support and helping them feel truly heard can be a huge relief.
Because of the nature of the disorder, even those who didn’t experience a problematic environment growing up may have grown accustomed to people telling them that they are overreacting. As a result, having someone actually care about how they feel can be powerful.
Don’t Ignore Threats of Harm
Suicidal threats and gestures are common in people with BPD. Some people with BPD will make multiple suicidal threats, which can lead their family and friends to become desensitized to this kind of behavior.
But even if your friend has made suicidal threats in the past without actually attempting suicide, know that people with BPD are at very high risk of attempting and completing suicide.
Learn the possiblesigns that your friend is contemplating suicide, and call emergency personnel (such as 911 in the United States and Canada) any time you believe there is an imminent risk your friend may harm themselves. Leave it to the professionals to decide whether there is a serious risk of harm.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.
For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
Why Suicidality in BPD Is So Common
Take Care of Yourself, Too
Sometimes friendships with people who have BPD become unbalanced, and you may find yourself giving more than you receive. If this happens only occasionally, it is usually fine. Most relationships ebb and flow; they can’t always be an even 50-50 split. But if you find yourself in a perpetually unbalanced and difficult situation, it will create a strain in the relationship.
Research has shown that friends and family who care for people with BPD have high rates of hostility, anxiety, depression, and distrust.Financial strain, marital problems, and social embarrassment are also common family responses.
If you give too much, you may start to feel resentful or burnt out. After a while, you may get to the point where you feel the need to end the relationship for your own health and happiness.
In the long term, however, it is morehelpful for a person with BPDto have a consistent, reliable friend than to have a friend who was 100% there for them for a few months before disappearing forever. For this reason, it is important for you to take care of yourself, take breaks from your friend when needed, and createhealthy boundariesso that you get your needs fulfilled, too.
Of course, that’s usually a lot easier said than done. It requires assertive communication skills and sufficientself-awarenessto understand when it is time to pull back a bit. However, it is possible to have a long-term, rewarding friendship with someone with BPD if you work at it.
Setting Boundaries for Stress Management
Being friends with someone who has BPD can sometimes feel like being on an emotional roller-coaster. One day, you are theirfavorite person, and the next, you are personal non grata. Even though you want to be a caring and supportive friend, it’s rarely easy.
Fortunately, BPD is treatable, and learning more about the symptoms can take a lot of the confusion out of the relationship. Support them in seeking professional help (without being forceful), validate what they are feeling, and be on alert for any threats of self-harm or suicidal behavior.
Last (but certainly not least), ensure you take care of yourself. Being there for your friend means being there for yourself, too. Set and maintain boundaries as needed so you can remain a steady, supportive presence in your friend’s life.
How BPD Affects Romantic Relationships
8 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Brüne M.Borderline Personality Disorder: Why ‘fast and furious’?.Evol Med Public Health. 2016;2016(1):52–66. doi:10.1093/emph/eow002Ng FY, Bourke ME, Grenyer BF.Recovery from borderline personality disorder: a systematic review of the perspectives of consumers, clinicians, family and carers.PLoS One. 2016;11(8):e0160515. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0160515Biskin RS.The lifetime course of borderline personality disorder.Can J Psychiatry. 2015;60(7):303–308. doi:10.1177/070674371506000702Hayes A, Dempsey M, Kells M, Murphy M.The relationship between social support, coping strategies and psychological distress and positive mental well-being in carers of people with borderline personality disorder.Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2023;10(1):31. doi:10.1186/s40479-023-00237-wKeng SL, Soh CY.Association between childhood invalidation and borderline personality symptoms: self-construal and conformity as moderating factors.Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2018;5:19. doi:10.1186/s40479-018-0096-6Goodman M, Tomas IA, Temes CM, Fitzmaurice GM, Aguirre BA, Zanarini MC.Suicide attempts and self-injurious behaviours in adolescent and adult patients with borderline personality disorder.Personal Ment Health. 2017;11(3):157-163. doi:10.1002/pmh.1375Soloff PH, Chiappetta L.Prospective predictors of suicidal behavior in borderline personality disorder at 6-year follow-up.Am J Psychiatry. 2012;169(5):484-90. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.2011.11091378Kay ML, Poggenpoel M, Myburgh CP, Downing C.Experiences of family members who have a relative diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.Curationis. 2018;41(1):e1-e9. doi:10.4102/curationis.v41i1.1892Additional ReadingGunderson, JG.Handbook of Good Psychiatric Management for Borderline Personality Disorder. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing; 2014.
8 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Brüne M.Borderline Personality Disorder: Why ‘fast and furious’?.Evol Med Public Health. 2016;2016(1):52–66. doi:10.1093/emph/eow002Ng FY, Bourke ME, Grenyer BF.Recovery from borderline personality disorder: a systematic review of the perspectives of consumers, clinicians, family and carers.PLoS One. 2016;11(8):e0160515. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0160515Biskin RS.The lifetime course of borderline personality disorder.Can J Psychiatry. 2015;60(7):303–308. doi:10.1177/070674371506000702Hayes A, Dempsey M, Kells M, Murphy M.The relationship between social support, coping strategies and psychological distress and positive mental well-being in carers of people with borderline personality disorder.Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2023;10(1):31. doi:10.1186/s40479-023-00237-wKeng SL, Soh CY.Association between childhood invalidation and borderline personality symptoms: self-construal and conformity as moderating factors.Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2018;5:19. doi:10.1186/s40479-018-0096-6Goodman M, Tomas IA, Temes CM, Fitzmaurice GM, Aguirre BA, Zanarini MC.Suicide attempts and self-injurious behaviours in adolescent and adult patients with borderline personality disorder.Personal Ment Health. 2017;11(3):157-163. doi:10.1002/pmh.1375Soloff PH, Chiappetta L.Prospective predictors of suicidal behavior in borderline personality disorder at 6-year follow-up.Am J Psychiatry. 2012;169(5):484-90. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.2011.11091378Kay ML, Poggenpoel M, Myburgh CP, Downing C.Experiences of family members who have a relative diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.Curationis. 2018;41(1):e1-e9. doi:10.4102/curationis.v41i1.1892Additional ReadingGunderson, JG.Handbook of Good Psychiatric Management for Borderline Personality Disorder. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing; 2014.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Brüne M.Borderline Personality Disorder: Why ‘fast and furious’?.Evol Med Public Health. 2016;2016(1):52–66. doi:10.1093/emph/eow002Ng FY, Bourke ME, Grenyer BF.Recovery from borderline personality disorder: a systematic review of the perspectives of consumers, clinicians, family and carers.PLoS One. 2016;11(8):e0160515. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0160515Biskin RS.The lifetime course of borderline personality disorder.Can J Psychiatry. 2015;60(7):303–308. doi:10.1177/070674371506000702Hayes A, Dempsey M, Kells M, Murphy M.The relationship between social support, coping strategies and psychological distress and positive mental well-being in carers of people with borderline personality disorder.Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2023;10(1):31. doi:10.1186/s40479-023-00237-wKeng SL, Soh CY.Association between childhood invalidation and borderline personality symptoms: self-construal and conformity as moderating factors.Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2018;5:19. doi:10.1186/s40479-018-0096-6Goodman M, Tomas IA, Temes CM, Fitzmaurice GM, Aguirre BA, Zanarini MC.Suicide attempts and self-injurious behaviours in adolescent and adult patients with borderline personality disorder.Personal Ment Health. 2017;11(3):157-163. doi:10.1002/pmh.1375Soloff PH, Chiappetta L.Prospective predictors of suicidal behavior in borderline personality disorder at 6-year follow-up.Am J Psychiatry. 2012;169(5):484-90. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.2011.11091378Kay ML, Poggenpoel M, Myburgh CP, Downing C.Experiences of family members who have a relative diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.Curationis. 2018;41(1):e1-e9. doi:10.4102/curationis.v41i1.1892
Brüne M.Borderline Personality Disorder: Why ‘fast and furious’?.Evol Med Public Health. 2016;2016(1):52–66. doi:10.1093/emph/eow002
Ng FY, Bourke ME, Grenyer BF.Recovery from borderline personality disorder: a systematic review of the perspectives of consumers, clinicians, family and carers.PLoS One. 2016;11(8):e0160515. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0160515
Biskin RS.The lifetime course of borderline personality disorder.Can J Psychiatry. 2015;60(7):303–308. doi:10.1177/070674371506000702
Hayes A, Dempsey M, Kells M, Murphy M.The relationship between social support, coping strategies and psychological distress and positive mental well-being in carers of people with borderline personality disorder.Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2023;10(1):31. doi:10.1186/s40479-023-00237-w
Keng SL, Soh CY.Association between childhood invalidation and borderline personality symptoms: self-construal and conformity as moderating factors.Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2018;5:19. doi:10.1186/s40479-018-0096-6
Goodman M, Tomas IA, Temes CM, Fitzmaurice GM, Aguirre BA, Zanarini MC.Suicide attempts and self-injurious behaviours in adolescent and adult patients with borderline personality disorder.Personal Ment Health. 2017;11(3):157-163. doi:10.1002/pmh.1375
Soloff PH, Chiappetta L.Prospective predictors of suicidal behavior in borderline personality disorder at 6-year follow-up.Am J Psychiatry. 2012;169(5):484-90. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.2011.11091378
Kay ML, Poggenpoel M, Myburgh CP, Downing C.Experiences of family members who have a relative diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.Curationis. 2018;41(1):e1-e9. doi:10.4102/curationis.v41i1.1892
Gunderson, JG.Handbook of Good Psychiatric Management for Borderline Personality Disorder. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing; 2014.
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