Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsKnow When to ApologizeTake ResponsibilityExpress RegretMake AmendsReaffirm BoundariesOwn UpManage ExpectationsLet Go of ResultsChoose Your MethodWhy Sincerely Apologizing Is ImportantHow to Know If Your Apology Was Accepted

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Know When to Apologize

Take Responsibility

Express Regret

Make Amends

Reaffirm Boundaries

Own Up

Manage Expectations

Let Go of Results

Choose Your Method

Why Sincerely Apologizing Is Important

How to Know If Your Apology Was Accepted

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Relationships can be wonderful buffers against stress, butrelationship conflictscan also cause considerable emotional pain and stress. Knowing how to apologize—and when—can repair damage in a relationship, but if you aren’t sincerely apologizing, you can actually make things worse.

A sincere and effective apology is one that communicates genuine empathy, remorse, and regret as well as a promise tolearn from your mistakes. In other words, you need to really believe you did something wrong and feel sorry for the hurt you caused. Here are some easy steps to help you learn how to apologize sincerely and effectively.

If what you did would have bothered you if it was done to you, an apology is in order. If you’re not sure, an apology not only offers you the chance to “own” mistakes you made, but also re-establish what you think was okay. If you feel the other person is being unreasonable, a discussion may be in order. You can decide where you stand on the apology after that.

While sincerely apologizing can go a long way towardmending a relationship, people are often unwilling or unable to take this step. Admitting you were wrong can be difficult and humbling.

Researchers have found that people who believe that personality is changeable are more likely to apologize for harmful actions.Because they feel that change is possible, they feel that accepting the blame for their mistakes is an opportunity for learning and growth.

Can You Change Your Personality?

Taking responsibility means acknowledging mistakes you made that hurt the other person. This is one of the most important and neglected ingredients of most apologies, especially those in the media.

Don’t make assumptions and don’t try to shift the blame. Sincerely apologizing involves making it clear that you regret your actions and that you are truly sorry.

When learning how to apologize effectively, it’s important to understand the value of expressing regret. Taking responsibility is important, but it’s also helpful for the other person to know that you feel bad about hurting them and wish you hadn’t. That’s it. They already feel bad, and they’d like to know that you feel bad about them feeling bad.

What to Say When You Want to Apologize"I wish I could take it back.““I wish I had been more thoughtful.““I wish I’d thought of your feelings as well.”

What to Say When You Want to Apologize

“I wish I could take it back.““I wish I had been more thoughtful.““I wish I’d thought of your feelings as well.”

These are allexpressions of regretthat add to the sincerity of your apology and let the other person know you care.

If there’s anything you can do to amend the situation, do it. It’s important to know how to apologize with sincerity, and part of that sincerity is a willingness to act.

What to Say to Make AmendsIf you broke something: “How can I replace it?“If you said something hurtful: “I know my words hurt you. I should have never spoken that way to someone I love and respect. I’ll do my best to think before I speak in the future.“If you broke trust: “Is there anything I can do right now to help build your trust?”

What to Say to Make Amends

If you broke something: “How can I replace it?“If you said something hurtful: “I know my words hurt you. I should have never spoken that way to someone I love and respect. I’ll do my best to think before I speak in the future.“If you broke trust: “Is there anything I can do right now to help build your trust?”

Whatever you can do to make things better, do it. If you’re not sure what would help, ask the other person.

One of the most important parts of sincerely apologizing—and one of the best reasons to apologize—is to reaffirm boundaries.Healthy boundariesare important in any relationship.

When you come into conflict with someone, often a boundary is crossed. If a social rule is violated or trust is broken, an apology helps to affirm what kind of future behavior is preferred.

Discussing what type of rules you both will adhere to in the future helps rebuild trust, boundaries, and positive feelings. It provides a natural segue out of the conflict and into a happier future in the relationship.

For example, you and your partner, friend, or family member can discussthings you won’t tolerate, such as:

In addition, you can work together to set expectations about how you should treat each other emotionally, physically, and sexually. If you’re having trouble agreeing on these boundaries, you and your loved one may benefit fromseeing a family therapistorcouples counselor.

The Best Online Marriage Counseling Programs

Own Up to Your Part, Not Theirs

Remember that when you apologize, you’re taking responsibility foryourpart in the conflict. That doesn’t mean that you’re admitting that the entire conflict was your fault. People are often afraid to apologize first because they think whoever apologizes first is “more wrong” or the “loser” of the conflict.

Giving an apology even when only a small part of the conflict was your responsibility is okay and often healthy. It allows you to establish what you regret about your own actions but confirms your boundaries as well.

It’s important to be fair in your apology, both to the other person and to yourself. Don’t accept all the blame if it isn’t all your fault.

Apologize for the Right Reasons

When sincerely apologizing for what you did, you can more easily move forward and put the conflict behind you, regardless of the other person’s actions. When we apologize, we’re able to more easily maintain our integrity andforgive ourselves.

The other person may be moved to apologize for their actions as well. While getting an apology is often nice, it’s important to remember that this doesn’t always happen. Trying to evoke an apology from the other person is a manipulative tactic that sometimes backfires.

Apologize for your own peace of mind and the other person may be inspired to do the same. But be sure not to apologize just because you expect an apology in return.

Let Go of Results…to an Extent

Although apologizing can be a way to maintain integrity and move on from actions we’re not proud of, most of us also want to repair the relationship and be forgiven. Sometimes this doesn’t happen.

If the apology was sincere and included the necessary ingredients, your chances of forgiveness are greater. But sometimes the other person just isn’t ready or able to forgive and move on. Or they may forgive you but remain guarded. Or they may not realize their own role in the conflict. You can’t control their response, and if you’ve done everything you can,let it go for now.

Press Play for Advice On Making an Apology

Choose Your Apology Method

Verbal apologies are appropriate under most circumstances, but making amends in writing can also have its benefits. Many people experience discomfort with a face-to-face apology, and while this discomfort alone isn’t a good reason for a written apology, it can be a factor—especially if your discomfort affects your ability toexpress yourself.

Writing out your apology in a letter, email, or even text can give you the time to thoughtfully craft what you want to say. You can make sure you accept responsibility, express remorse, and reaffirm boundaries.

Keep your apology simple and direct. If you overdo it, you’ll make it about yourself instead of the person you wronged. This can createresentment in the relationshipand erode trust.

When you’ve made a mistake orhurt another person, there are many good reasons to apologize. By apologizing, you are able to:

Sincerely apologizing can also bring relief, particularlyif you have guiltover your actions.An apology alone doesn’t erase the hurt or make it okay, but it does establish that you know your actions or words were wrong and that you will strive harder in the future to prevent it from happening again.

Research suggests that some of the major reasons people don’t apologize are that they aren’t really concerned about the other person, apologizing threatens their own self-image, or they believe that an apology won’t do any good anyway.

Not apologizing when you are wrong can be damaging to personal and professional relationships. It can also lead to rumination, anger, resentment, and hostility that may only grow over time.

Importance of Apologies in Relationships

In general, you’ll be able to tell if your apology was accepted if the person took the following steps:

It’s important to remind yourself that even if someone accepts your apology, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re ready to forgive you.True forgivenessmay take some time, so stay calm and be patient.

The Bottom Line

Sincerely apologizing isn’t always easy, but it can be an important part of mending or maintaining important relationships.With empathy, an open heart, and a dose of courage, you can take the steps you need to make a sincere and honest apology.

How to Forgive Others

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Schumann K, Dweck CS.Who accepts responsibility for their transgressions?Pers Soc Psychol Bull.2014;40(12):1598-1610. doi:10.1177/0146167214552789Kelso Sandlin J, Gracyalny ML.Seeking sincerity, finding forgiveness: YouTube apologies as image repair.Public Rel Rev. 2018;44(3):393-406. doi:10.1016/j.pubrev.2018.04.007Stanford University.How is life tree(ting) you?: Trust, safety, and respect - the importance of boundaries.Chrdileli M, Kasser T.Guilt, shame, and apologizing behavior: A laboratory study.Personal Indiv Diff. 2018;135:304-306. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2018.07.035Schumann K.The psychology of offering an apology: Understanding the barriers to apologizing and how to overcome them.Curr Dir Psychol Sci. 2018;27(2):74-78. doi:10.1177/0963721417741709

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Schumann K, Dweck CS.Who accepts responsibility for their transgressions?Pers Soc Psychol Bull.2014;40(12):1598-1610. doi:10.1177/0146167214552789Kelso Sandlin J, Gracyalny ML.Seeking sincerity, finding forgiveness: YouTube apologies as image repair.Public Rel Rev. 2018;44(3):393-406. doi:10.1016/j.pubrev.2018.04.007Stanford University.How is life tree(ting) you?: Trust, safety, and respect - the importance of boundaries.Chrdileli M, Kasser T.Guilt, shame, and apologizing behavior: A laboratory study.Personal Indiv Diff. 2018;135:304-306. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2018.07.035Schumann K.The psychology of offering an apology: Understanding the barriers to apologizing and how to overcome them.Curr Dir Psychol Sci. 2018;27(2):74-78. doi:10.1177/0963721417741709

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Schumann K, Dweck CS.Who accepts responsibility for their transgressions?Pers Soc Psychol Bull.2014;40(12):1598-1610. doi:10.1177/0146167214552789Kelso Sandlin J, Gracyalny ML.Seeking sincerity, finding forgiveness: YouTube apologies as image repair.Public Rel Rev. 2018;44(3):393-406. doi:10.1016/j.pubrev.2018.04.007Stanford University.How is life tree(ting) you?: Trust, safety, and respect - the importance of boundaries.Chrdileli M, Kasser T.Guilt, shame, and apologizing behavior: A laboratory study.Personal Indiv Diff. 2018;135:304-306. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2018.07.035Schumann K.The psychology of offering an apology: Understanding the barriers to apologizing and how to overcome them.Curr Dir Psychol Sci. 2018;27(2):74-78. doi:10.1177/0963721417741709

Schumann K, Dweck CS.Who accepts responsibility for their transgressions?Pers Soc Psychol Bull.2014;40(12):1598-1610. doi:10.1177/0146167214552789

Kelso Sandlin J, Gracyalny ML.Seeking sincerity, finding forgiveness: YouTube apologies as image repair.Public Rel Rev. 2018;44(3):393-406. doi:10.1016/j.pubrev.2018.04.007

Stanford University.How is life tree(ting) you?: Trust, safety, and respect - the importance of boundaries.

Chrdileli M, Kasser T.Guilt, shame, and apologizing behavior: A laboratory study.Personal Indiv Diff. 2018;135:304-306. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2018.07.035

Schumann K.The psychology of offering an apology: Understanding the barriers to apologizing and how to overcome them.Curr Dir Psychol Sci. 2018;27(2):74-78. doi:10.1177/0963721417741709

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