Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsGatekeepingNo Point of ReferencePathologizingDefining Others' ExperiencesInaccuracies

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

Gatekeeping

No Point of Reference

Pathologizing

Defining Others' Experiences

Inaccuracies

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If you’re in therapy and feel like you’re making progress, you might be eager to show the people you love what you’re learning about yourself. However, it’s important to consider the way you talk about yourself and others.

Using “therapy speak” in everyday life—for example, terms like “boundaries,” “attachment,” or “triggered”—might have the opposite effect of what you intend. Let’s take a look at why using therapy terms in everyday life might be harmful.

When you use clinical terms with people who have not had the opportunity to learn those words in therapy themselves, it might be perceived as gatekeeping—purposefully excluding others from a particular experience.

The people around you might feel as though you are being condescending and choosing to keep them from understanding what you are talking about in order to preserve your own private experience in therapy.

To prevent people from feeling this way, try putting the “therapy speak” that you’re using into your own words and describe your experience rather than relying on clinical terms. This invites people into your world rather than implying (even accidentally) that it’s a world they won’t understand and to which they do not have access.

For example, rather than saying to an overbearing family member, “We need to adjust our boundaries,” explain what exactly that will look like to you. Try something like, “I don’t like it when you make me feel guilty for not calling you” instead. That way, you are still describing the work you’d like to do without making your loved one feel as though they are missing something.

How to Deal With a Condescending Partner

When you use “therapy speak” with people who have not been a part of your therapy or mental health journey, they have no reference point for the terms you are using because you only defined and outlined those terms with your therapist.

This can create distance between you and the people you are speaking to in a number of ways:

Instead, develop your own vocabulary with loved ones that accurately describes what you are experiencing with language that you’ve both agreed on and defined yourselves. So, instead of saying, “This event triggered me,” you could say, “This event brought back painful memories of X, Y, and Z.” That way, you are using phrases that everyone can understand while still expressing yourself.

Are You Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship?

Chances are, if you’re learning new terms in therapy to describe things you’re experiencing, you might be champing at the bit to apply them in real life. However, doing so with abandon can easily lead to pathologizing.

“Pathologizing” means ascribing a clinical circumstance to something that might not be clinical at all—for example, describing someone unpleasant as a “narcissist” rather than “stuck-up” or “egotistical.” Whereasnarcissistic personality disorder(or narcissism) is apersonality disorderdefined in theDiagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders (DSM), which requires the presence of very particular traits for diagnosis, anyone can be a self-absorbed jerk.

Throwing around “therapy speak” like this can lead to misunderstandings and an overly clinical view of the world that is often inaccurate.

Pathologizing can also affect the way you think about your own circumstances or personality traits. You might find that it’s easier to think of a certain trait of yours as a clinical sign or symptom rather than a behavioral choice because pathologizing it takes the responsibility off of you and places it on the pathologized trait.

For example, you might blame the fights you get into with your mother on your anxiety and be happy to leave it at that rather than taking the time and effort to examine your relationship and identify words or feelings that make you angry with her. This is a shortcut that doesn’t help anybody—it doesn’t help you and your mother communicate better, and it doesn’t help your anxiety (which might be very real) to use it as a scapegoat.

So before using “therapy speak” willy-nilly, really examine the situation you’re in and decide if other terms might be more appropriate.

What Are ‘I Feel’ Statements?

Because of your newfound therapeutic vocabulary, you might find yourself starting to use certain words to not only explain your own experiences but also the experiences of those around you. However, those kinds of words can and do mean different things to different people. Defining someone else’s experience with your own “therapy speak” can make those around you feel as though you’re not taking the time to understand their perspectives, challenges, or symptoms from their point of view.

Rather than assuming that you can accurately describe others through clinical terms, ask other people questions instead. You could say something like:

Acknowledging that your “therapy speak” is probably different from that of others can only lead to greater empathy and understanding of the experiences of your loved ones and the people around you.

How to Develop Empathy in Relationships

You might be so excited to use new therapy terms in real life that you use them incorrectly. This can create confusion not just for yourself but also for others who might not understand what you mean or what you are trying to say.

This can lead to misunderstandings, especially if the people with whom you are using this “therapy speak” do not know anything about attachment styles themselves. So you teach them an inaccurate definition, which they then bring into their world, which might lead them to teach someone else the inaccurate definition, and so on.

So, before introducing a new “therapy speak” term into your day-to-day life, make sure you fully understand it.

Final Thoughts

“Therapy speak” has its time and place—namely, in your therapy sessions. But using it in real life can be tricky. It might be more useful for you to take the time to describe your feelings, experiences, and issues in layman’s terms to the people around you; that avoids the misunderstanding and resentment that might come with using clinical terms that your loved ones don’t understand.

At the same time, teaching your friends and family the “therapy speak” words that ring most true to you can be a useful exercise in communication. By providing explanations rather than just using the terms without defining what those terms mean to you, you can successfully welcome others into your internal world, fostering compassion and understanding.

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