On This Page:ToggleWhat Is Self-Disclosure?Mutual Give-and-TakeRelationship DevelopmentHow to Self-DiscloseWhy People Share MoreFactors That Influence Self-DisclosureWhen A Partner Does Not Want to Self-DiscloseBenefits
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Key Takeaways
What Is Self-Disclosure?
Self-disclosure is the sharing of personal information with others that they would not normally know or discover. We form more intimate connections with people with whom we disclose important information about ourselves.
This usually happens when trust has been established, and we can be confident that the information we reveal will not be released to others and cause us embarrassment.
Indeed, self-disclosure is a characteristic of healthy intimate relationships as long as the information disclosed is consistent with our own views.
Self-disclosure is one way to learn about how another person thinks and feels. Self-disclosure performs several functions. It is a way of gaining information about another person. We want to predict the thoughts and actions of people we know.
Why is self-disclosure important in communication?
Self-disclosure brings many benefits to all relationships, such as:
Mutual Give-and-Take
Creating a successful relationship of any kind involves a mutual give-and-take between people – and self-disclosure can also be thought of as a reciprocal process.
This indicates that when there is self-disclosure in relationships, one person shares intimate details of their life, and the other person, in turn, self-discloses about personal information about their life.
We expect as we reveal more and more about ourselves that, the other will also respond with empathy and similar self-disclosure.
Mutual disclosure deepens trust in the relationships and helps both people understand each other more. You also feel better about yourself and your relationship when the other person accepts what you tell them.
Self-disclosure can sometimes go well – it can lead to closer relationships and a better-shared understanding with the people you contact daily. But sometimes, these personal revelations do not go quite as planned.
Inappropriate or poorly timed self-disclosure can frequently lead to self-embarrassment and potentially damage relationships.
However, with assertive communication, you are acknowledging the other person’s feelings and wishes. Still, at the same time, you are openly sharing yours and also trying to find the best solution for the situation at hand. This communication style correlates to very little stress.
Relationship Development
While it may appear different for various types of relationships, self-disclosure is an essential component of any thriving relationship.Self-disclosure builds trust and rapport, which brings individuals together and strengthens their connection.
What is revealed needs to be appropriate to the relationship stage, e.g., mentioning that you want children on the first date might be off-putting to the potential partner. The timing and content of the self-disclosure need to be appropriate to the relationship stage.
Self-disclosure may be more limited in the beginning phases of a new relationship. Still, people grow more intimate and deeply involved with one another because they become progressively more open to sharing their life stories, preferences, and unknowns with their partners.
To build a deep and trusting relationship over time, some level of self-disclosure is required. The more intimate the relationship, the higher and deeper this disclosure tends to be.
Through this process, individuals in relationships can gradually communicate more and more of themselves. In this way, self-disclosure in all kinds of relationships is a continuous process of sharing information about oneself.
Women tend to be better at communicating and more interested in intimate information. Men might not be used to this type of conversation and feel threatened or unable to reciprocate.
There are many ways to use self-disclosure to communicate with another person. To begin with, it can be helpful to choose if you prefer to disclose information in person, through a letter, on a phone call, through video, or another form.
The medium you decide on for self-disclosure can change how effective it is or help you handle some of the more challenging parts.
For instance, self-disclosing in a letter or over the phone may enable you to reveal the content of self-disclosure without sharing bodily cues like averted eyes, hunched posture, or even tears.
These are things that many people find awkward to disclose to others. Writing a letter could also enable you to get the benefits of catharsis without being as concerned about a potentially harmful response.
For example, if you expect a negative response but are compelled to share something, a handwritten letter can occasionally help you overcome the bump and share what you must share.
Still, in-person (face-to-face) self-disclosure seems ideal for building intimacy and acquiring social support.
So taking the time to think through the precise approach one wants to take when self-disclosing can help one get the rewards one seeks.
An example of self-disclosure could be that a friend tells you that they are struggling with a clash with a family member, and you share with them a time you had a family dispute and how you settled it.
An example of self-disclosure in romantic partnerships might be chatting with your significant other about what you expect to achieve in your career or what life would look like five years later.
These discussions can help you to reveal parts of yourself to each other. Ideally, your partner also should share their notions with you.
A way to self-disclose successfully is to ask oneself a few questions before doing so.
In friendships or romantic relationships, self-disclosure can build an everlasting connection, maintaining friendships and partnerships intact over the long term.
Start slowly if you have any fears about sharing too much intimate information. Have discussions where you talk about your hobbies, such as your favorite music or the weekend activities you enjoy the most.
Then, as you become more relaxed, you can share more personal details, such as a former struggle or life experience that has affected you.
Overcoming the fear of self-disclosure may be challenging, but in the end, it pays off in the form of healthy, enduring relationships.
Why People Share More
The reciprocal process of self-disclosure is rather critical for all kinds of relationships.
When individuals in a relationship gradually reveal themselves to each other while communicating their feelings and experiences, they build confidence and understanding between each other.
This give-and-take sharing between people also leads to emotional intimacy.
And even when a relationship is not romantic in essence, a specific degree of self-disclosure is necessary to build trust.
People may fear that sharing too much private information is harmful in a relationship, but the truth is that couples cannot grow in intimacy and trust without a good amount of self-disclosure.
Relationships platonic in naturealso struggle to develop if people in the relationship are not willing to share life details with each other. This makes self-disclosure definitely one of the most essential components of lasting, beneficial relationships.
Factors That Influence Self-Disclosure
Researchers have found that several different factors can have an impact on self-disclosure. Overall, personality can play an important role. People who are naturally extroverted and have an easier time forming relationships with others are more likely to self-disclose early on in a relationship.
These individuals generally only self-disclose to people they know well, but their lack of self-disclosure can often make it challenging for others to get to know them.
The mood is another factor that can affect how much personal information people choose to share with others. Researchers have found that people in a happy mood are more likely to self-disclose than those in a negative mood.
This is because being in a pleasant mood leads people to be more optimistic and confident while being in a poor mood makes people feel more restrained and discreet.
We also see that lonely people also tend to self-disclose a lot less than people who do not feel they are lonely. Sadly, this lack of self-disclosure can make it more challenging for people to get to know those who experience loneliness, which can deepen that individual’s feelings of isolation.
Researchers have also found that sometimes certain situations where people are worried or afraid of something can heighten how much they share with others, most times as a way to gain support and ease these fears.
How we position ourselves against others can also affect how much we self-disclose. People tend to compare themselves based on how they judge themselves to others.
If one feels one compares well with those around, one is more likely to disclose one’s skills, knowledge, abilities, and talents. If one feels like others are superior in these areas, one will probably be less likely to reveal these aspects of oneself.
Researchers have also uncovered that the concern about self-disclosure is one of the most common reasons people fail to pursue therapy when they require help.
Therapy consists of a great deal of self-disclosure, and therapy clients often need to communicate some of the most personal and painful details about themselves with their therapist.
For those awkward with self-disclosure, this can be a horrifying task that makes them less likely to seek support when needed.
There are many benefits of self-disclosure in relationships, but individuals who have a fear of self-disclosure may find that their relationships could deteriorate over time.
People can grow apart
Say that you got married or you are in a long-term romantic relationship. People could realize that they begin to grow apart if they do not self-disclose with each other.
Over time, with such a lack of personal disclosure, married couples or long-term partners could begin to feel like they do not even know each other anymore. Anytime they are together, awkward silence fills the room.
Relationships can break apart
Likewise, without self-disclosure, relationships will be without the closeness and trust essential to keep two people connected over the long term through life’s struggles.
Connections do not evolve
Additionally, when there is a lack of self-disclosure in any kind of0 relationship, they will come to a screeching halt.
The association will grow and evolve without the bond and closeness that comes from sharing personal details. Therefore, it remains stagnant, and partners may begin to sense that they cannot trust each other or are no longer special to one another.
A member of a relationship may start to feel that their partner is excluding them from their thoughts and feelings when there is a lack of self-disclosure – one can use the term “shutting you out.”
One partner may feel unwanted and unneeded, leading to loneliness and resentment. Some of these truths about self-disclosure apply not just to romantic relationships but also to friendships and the workplace.
Over time, two people who try to avoid self-disclosure will drift apart as they lose their trust and connection. This is why self-disclosure is such a crucial part of all relationships.
However, as we stated before, self-disclosure in a friendship or a workplace connection will understandably look distinct from self-disclosure with a long-term partner or significant other.
For example, there are things you would share with your spouse that you would not convey to your boss at work.
Benefits
Self-disclosure is one of the most powerful components of romantic and platonic relationships because it creates a connection between two individuals and helps the bond strengthen over time with constant communication and self-disclosure.
Here are seven ways self-disclosure positively affects relationships:
Feeling special
Sharing personal details of your life with a partner will make them feel special since one trusts them enough to reveal parts of oneself to them. This unmistakably makes for a stronger connection.
Improved trust
When individuals partake in mutual self-disclosure, meaning all members of the relationship share personal details, trust is fortified within the relationship. This makes the connection a safer space for all individuals involved.
Stronger attraction
When one shares personal details of our life with others, people will feel drawn to this kind of person, creating stronger feelings of attraction.
In a relationship, being available and vulnerable enough to participate in self-disclosure with one’s partner can increase one’s partner’s interest in oneself.
Growing the relationship
In the early stages of a relationship, one tends to be more hesitant about revealing personal details. Still, as time goes on and one builds trust, one will likely start to self-disclose more confidential information. This helps the bond to grow and develop instead of remaining stationary.
Maintaining the relationship
Since relationships cannot evolve without reciprocal self-disclosure, self-disclosure in relationships helps individuals to stay together over a more extended period of time.
Feelings of acceptance
Opening up to one’s partner and sharing one’s vulnerabilities can help anyone reach the feeling of acceptance.
When one shares personal struggles or insecurities, and one’s partner continues to welcome these, this will, in turn, lead one to self-acceptance. The same can be said for one’s partner when one accepts their self-disclosures without judgment.
Support
Sharing the most personal details of one’s life, including experiences, fears, and beliefs, provides one and one’s partner with substantial support.
Derlega, V. J., Metts, S., Petronio, S., & Margulis, S. T. (1993).Self-disclosure. Sage Publications, Inc.Forgas, J. P. (2011). Affective influences on self-disclosure: Mood effects on the intimacy and reciprocity of disclosing personal information.Journal of personality and social psychology,100(3), 449.Greene, K., Derlega, V. J., & Mathews, A. (2006).Self-disclosure in personal relationships.The Cambridge handbook of personal relationships,409, 427.Hill, C. E., & Knox, S. (2001).Self-disclosure.Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training,38(4), 413.Jourard, S. M. (1959). Self-disclosure and other-cathexis.The Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology,59(3), 428.Kreiner, H., & Levi-Belz, Y. (2019).Self-disclosure here and now: combining retrospective perceived assessment with dynamic behavioral measures.Frontiers in psychology,10, 558.Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (1998).Intimacy as an interpersonal process: the importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness in interpersonal exchanges.Journal of personality and social psychology,74(5), 1238.LeFebvre, L. E. (2018).Swiping me off my feet: Explicating relationship initiation on Tinder.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,35(9), 1205-1229.Sprecher, S., Treger, S., Wondra, J. D., Hilaire, N., & Wallpe, K. (2013).Taking turns: Reciprocal self-disclosure promotes liking in initial interactions.Journal of Experimental Social Psychology,49(5), 860-866.Sprecher, S., Wenzel, A., & Harvey, J. (2018).Self-disclosure and starting a close relationship. InHandbook of relationship initiation(pp. 164-185). Psychology Press.
Derlega, V. J., Metts, S., Petronio, S., & Margulis, S. T. (1993).Self-disclosure. Sage Publications, Inc.
Forgas, J. P. (2011). Affective influences on self-disclosure: Mood effects on the intimacy and reciprocity of disclosing personal information.Journal of personality and social psychology,100(3), 449.
Greene, K., Derlega, V. J., & Mathews, A. (2006).Self-disclosure in personal relationships.The Cambridge handbook of personal relationships,409, 427.
Hill, C. E., & Knox, S. (2001).Self-disclosure.Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training,38(4), 413.
Jourard, S. M. (1959). Self-disclosure and other-cathexis.The Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology,59(3), 428.
Kreiner, H., & Levi-Belz, Y. (2019).Self-disclosure here and now: combining retrospective perceived assessment with dynamic behavioral measures.Frontiers in psychology,10, 558.
Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (1998).Intimacy as an interpersonal process: the importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness in interpersonal exchanges.Journal of personality and social psychology,74(5), 1238.
LeFebvre, L. E. (2018).Swiping me off my feet: Explicating relationship initiation on Tinder.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,35(9), 1205-1229.
Sprecher, S., Treger, S., Wondra, J. D., Hilaire, N., & Wallpe, K. (2013).Taking turns: Reciprocal self-disclosure promotes liking in initial interactions.Journal of Experimental Social Psychology,49(5), 860-866.
Sprecher, S., Wenzel, A., & Harvey, J. (2018).Self-disclosure and starting a close relationship. InHandbook of relationship initiation(pp. 164-185). Psychology Press.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
Mia Belle Frothingham
BA with minors in Psychology and Biology, MRes University of Edinburgh
Mia Belle Frothingham is a Harvard University graduate with a Bachelor of Arts in Sciences with minors in biology and psychology
