Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsComponentsHow to Apply ItNonviolent Communication SkillsBenefits
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Components
How to Apply It
Nonviolent Communication Skills
Benefits
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Nonviolent communication is a communication strategy that focuses on honestly expressingyour deepest feelings and needs to someone, and being able to empathetically listen to theirs.
Nonviolent communication aims to improve relationships through compassionate exchange, saysClaudia de Llano, LMFT,a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”
In this article, we explore the components of nonviolent communication, the benefits of this communication strategy, and how you can apply it to your relationship.
The Four Components of Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent communication consists of four components:
We tappedClarissa Silva, a behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and creator of ‘Your Happiness Hypothesis Method,’ to help us understand how to apply these components to relationships.
Observations
Making observations involves describing the objective, factual elements of a situation without anyjudgment. It focuses on what can be observed rather than assumed or interpreted, which can sometimes be incorrect.
Reserving judgment can help preventdefensivenessand gives your partner room to open up to you, says Silva.
ExampleInstead of:“You always ignore me.“Try saying:“I noticed that during our conversation yesterday, you were looking at your phone and weren’t responding to me.”
Example
Instead of:“You always ignore me.“Try saying:“I noticed that during our conversation yesterday, you were looking at your phone and weren’t responding to me.”
Instead of:“You always ignore me.”
Try saying:“I noticed that during our conversation yesterday, you were looking at your phone and weren’t responding to me.”
Feelings
Identifying and expressing youremotionscan help you understand yourself and connect with your partner. It can help your partner understand your experiences and recognize your needs.
This process involves exploring how your partner’s words and actions affect your feelings; says Silva. However, it’s important to take ownership of your feelings, rather than attributing them to your partner.
ExampleInstead of:“You make me angry when you cancel plans.“Try saying:“I felt sad and disappointed when our plans got canceled because I was really excited to see you.”
Instead of:“You make me angry when you cancel plans.“Try saying:“I felt sad and disappointed when our plans got canceled because I was really excited to see you.”
Instead of:“You make me angry when you cancel plans.”
Try saying:“I felt sad and disappointed when our plans got canceled because I was really excited to see you.”
Needs
Introspection can help you understand yourdeepest needs, says Silva. Once you’ve identifiedyour needs, it’s important to learn how to express them without blaming or criticizing the other person.
ExampleInstead of:“You never spend time with me.“Try saying:“I need morequality timeand intimacy in our relationship.”
Instead of:“You never spend time with me.“Try saying:“I need morequality timeand intimacy in our relationship.”
Instead of:“You never spend time with me.”
Try saying:“I need morequality timeand intimacy in our relationship.”
Requests
Making clear, specific, and doable requests allows you to ask your partner for what you need.
ExampleInstead of:“You never have time for me.”Try saying:“Could we do date night this Friday? I would love to spend some quality time together.”
Instead of:“You never have time for me.”Try saying:“Could we do date night this Friday? I would love to spend some quality time together.”
Instead of:“You never have time for me.”
Try saying:“Could we do date night this Friday? I would love to spend some quality time together.”
Common Marriage Problems and Solutions
How to Apply Nonviolent Communication in Your Relationship
The experts shared some tips that can help you use nonviolent communication in your relationships.
Learn to Listen
It’s important to learn how to listen to your partner without interrupting, judging, or reacting to what they’re saying, says de Llano.
Often, we formulate our thoughts while quickly computing how we’re feeling, rather than fully listening to our partner’s experience, she explains. “Nonviolent communication requires us to slow down our process of communication and suspendinterruptions, so we can really listen and become more of an objective witness to our partner’s words, experiences and feelings.”
Pause Before You Respond
We’ve all lashed out at our partners when we’reangryor upset, with the intention of hurting them in response to our own feelings of hurt. However, pausing before you respond and taking a moment to regulate your emotions in order to respond in a calm and grounded way, instead of reacting out of anger or defensiveness, can help you practice nonviolent communication instead.
The process of nonviolent communication gives you the ability to listen in a way that suspends reactivity, says de Llano. Instead of responding to a situation angrily or antagonistically, she says it’s important to take a step back and consider your response. “By stepping away, you can breathe, notice your feelings, identify your needs, and make reasonable requests.”
If you feel pressured to respond, de Llano recommends asking your partner for a moment to process, in order to formulate a thoughtful response that incorporates your observations, feelings, needs, or requests.
Avoid Judgment or Blame
Some of the negative communication patterns that people develop are based onblamingor criticizing partners rather than sharing their feelings, says Silva. She explains that statements like: “You don’t listen to me” or “You are scaring me” put the other person on defensive mode.
One of the most effective techniques you can employ when you speak to your partner is the“I” statement, says de Llano. “This technique can help diffuse conflict because it puts the onus of responsibility regarding the issue on the person presenting it instead of the person receiving it.”
If you take the “you” out of it, your partner will be less defensive and more receptive to hearing what you have to say, says Silva.
How to Cultivate Nonviolent Communication Skills
The experts share some steps you can take to cultivate nonviolent communication skills:
7 Surprising Ways to Make Your Relationship Even Better
Benefits of Nonviolent Communication
These are some of the ways nonviolent communication can benefit your relationship, according to the experts:
Why Giving an Ultimatum Can Hurt Relationships
4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.The Center for Nonviolent Communication.What is nonviolent communication?The Center for Nonviolent Communication.Our founder: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.Nosek M, Durán M.Increasing empathy and conflict resolution skills through nonviolent communication (NVC) training in Latino adults and youth.Prog Community Health Partnersh. 2017;11(3):275-283. doi:10.1353/cpr.2017.0032Epinat-Duclos J, Foncelle A, Quesque F, et al.Does nonviolent communication education improve empathy in French medical students?Int J Med Educ. 2021;12:205-218. doi:10.5116/ijme.615e.c507
4 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.The Center for Nonviolent Communication.What is nonviolent communication?The Center for Nonviolent Communication.Our founder: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.Nosek M, Durán M.Increasing empathy and conflict resolution skills through nonviolent communication (NVC) training in Latino adults and youth.Prog Community Health Partnersh. 2017;11(3):275-283. doi:10.1353/cpr.2017.0032Epinat-Duclos J, Foncelle A, Quesque F, et al.Does nonviolent communication education improve empathy in French medical students?Int J Med Educ. 2021;12:205-218. doi:10.5116/ijme.615e.c507
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
The Center for Nonviolent Communication.What is nonviolent communication?The Center for Nonviolent Communication.Our founder: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.Nosek M, Durán M.Increasing empathy and conflict resolution skills through nonviolent communication (NVC) training in Latino adults and youth.Prog Community Health Partnersh. 2017;11(3):275-283. doi:10.1353/cpr.2017.0032Epinat-Duclos J, Foncelle A, Quesque F, et al.Does nonviolent communication education improve empathy in French medical students?Int J Med Educ. 2021;12:205-218. doi:10.5116/ijme.615e.c507
The Center for Nonviolent Communication.What is nonviolent communication?
The Center for Nonviolent Communication.Our founder: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Nosek M, Durán M.Increasing empathy and conflict resolution skills through nonviolent communication (NVC) training in Latino adults and youth.Prog Community Health Partnersh. 2017;11(3):275-283. doi:10.1353/cpr.2017.0032
Epinat-Duclos J, Foncelle A, Quesque F, et al.Does nonviolent communication education improve empathy in French medical students?Int J Med Educ. 2021;12:205-218. doi:10.5116/ijme.615e.c507
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