Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsFuture Faking’s False PromisesHow Future Faking Hurts PeopleExamples of Future FakingDo Narcissists Even Know When They’re Future Faking Us?How Can Future Faking Impact Relationships?Red Flags That May Indicate Future FakingHow to Deal With Being Future Faked

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Future Faking’s False Promises

How Future Faking Hurts People

Examples of Future Faking

Do Narcissists Even Know When They’re Future Faking Us?

How Can Future Faking Impact Relationships?

Red Flags That May Indicate Future Faking

How to Deal With Being Future Faked

You love your partner. They tell you they care about you. They share their hopes, dreams, and goals with you. They say they want to take you on big vacations! Buy a house together! Support you in every way you’ll ever need! The list goes on. But if they’re a narcissist, when the time comes to carry out those plans, all they have are excuses. You may hear phrases like:

At a Glance

Future faking is when a person makes false promises about the future you will share together.Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist, professor, and writer in New York City explains that a future faker has no intention of fulfilling these promises, but wants you to believe they do.

Narcissists will fake a future to create the illusion of high investment, strong interest, or deep emotional ties.

They want to manipulate you so you believe they are more invested in the relationship than they actually are.

Specifically, the narcissist feeds the other person lies based on what they believe the other so desperately wants which is most commonly a committed relationship

The narcissist will often make promises that align with our desire for connection or a long-term partner. For instance, they will fake a future to create the illusion of high investment, strong interest, or deep emotional ties. When someone’s future faking us, our perception of reality is distorted.

“[We] are faced with the reality of not knowing the narcissist very well in contrast with the promises and future we strongly desire,” explains Dr. Romanoff.

We Believe Them Because They Make Us Vulnerable

Ricki Romm, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in New York who helps individuals and couples strengthen relationships and celebrate imperfections says that future faking is associated withnarcissismwhen it’s used as a tactic to prevent rejection or abandonment, without regard for the pain it causes. Essentially, it’s insecurity coupled with callousness.

Although the cause of narcissism is unknown, research has shown that early life experiences such as abuse, excessive praise, trauma, genetics, and culture are associated with this type of behavior.

Examples of Future Faking

Here are some examples of future faking in romantic and non-romantic relationships.

The Manipulative Tactics of Narcissists: Hoovering Explained

Some narcissists know and some don’t. It’s hard to say whether someone is doing that to us on purpose. A person withnarcissistic personality disorder (NPD)may not recognize their problematic behavior; even when you point it out to them, they will most likely refuse to believe you and avoid getting professional help.

Always Think About the ContextRomm shares that it’s important to consider context and intent. For instance, not every broken promise is a lie. Usually, overpromising represents an internal struggle such as wishful thinking, misjudgment, conflict avoidance, and/or changing circumstances.

Always Think About the Context

Romm shares that it’s important to consider context and intent. For instance, not every broken promise is a lie. Usually, overpromising represents an internal struggle such as wishful thinking, misjudgment, conflict avoidance, and/or changing circumstances.

“Repeatedly broken promises will also impact a relationship, but they don’t necessarily indicate the lack of empathy or deliberate deception that is a part of future faking,” explains Romm.

We know if our partner has this type of behavior, it’s not looking good for us. Romm shares that there are two most notable consequences of future faking in a relationship:

Erosion of Trust and Communication

When someone chronically lies to us, it becomes impossible to believe them whether or not they are telling the truth.

“[Future faking] can limit the available tools to strengthen our relationship because communication is meaningless without trust,” advises Romm.

Insecurity

When we’ve been lied to, we may feel critical of ourselves for being so trusting, or tell ourselves it is shameful that we were taken advantage of.

Interestingly, future faking can impact the future faker’s self-esteem as well; they’ll never know if they could have built or maintained the relationship authentically.

Future faking can be especially difficult to resist when the lies depict your most heartfelt desires. However, here are red flags to watch for in your relationship:

Why It’s Important to Apologize in Relationships

So you might be suspecting that your partner is faking a future with you. Here are some tips to help you deal with it.

Honor Your Own Boundaries

Clarifying your own needs is the first step to setting boundaries. Romm says that common relational needs might include connection, autonomy, communication, affection, etc.

“Don’t accept behavior or engage in situations that ask you to put your needs asidenow, regardless of what may be in the future,” advises Romm.

Dr. Romanoff shares that if they are constantly promising things to you at the moment and you’re feeling uncomfortable, change the conversation or ask to hold off on these promises and ideas if you don’t feel ready for them yet.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries for Mental Health

Trust Your Body

A part of you might be eager to believe that your partner really has your deepest desires at heart and will do the things they promised to do. However, your body may be able to tell another story.

Romm says to take the time to notice the full range of your emotions, take stock of physical sensations, and listen to their messages.

Look for Consistency

Notice how consistent and reliable they are in everyday interactions, in the relationship with you and in the way they interact with others. Romm says to ask ourselves, “Does this person generally do what they say they will do?”

Romm advises us to not rush into major commitments or decisions in the early stages of a relationship. Give yourself time to get to know your partner, and to get to know yourself within the relationship.

Dr. Romanoff adds that if you notice your partner is trying to rush things or talk you into taking the next steps that you’re not ready for, make sure to set your standards in the relationship and go at a pace you are comfortable with.

Space Out Your Dates

Space out your dates so the other person has the opportunity to follow through on their promises.

“Often future faking gives narcissists more access to their victims in the present. To avoid this, don’t rush things. [P]rovide space for them to follow up with action,” says Dr. Romanoff.

What This Means for YouEvery relationship has its flaws; however, it should be based on mutual respect and honesty. If your partner isn’t consistently walking the talk, it may mean they’re faking a future with you. Setting boundaries, listening to your body, and taking the time to get to know someone will help set you up for a healthy and successful relationship.

What This Means for You

Every relationship has its flaws; however, it should be based on mutual respect and honesty. If your partner isn’t consistently walking the talk, it may mean they’re faking a future with you. Setting boundaries, listening to your body, and taking the time to get to know someone will help set you up for a healthy and successful relationship.

How to Find a Narcissistic Abuse Support Group

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Day NJS, Townsend ML, Grenyer BFS.Living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study.Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation. 2020;7(1):19.Kacel EL, Ennis N, Pereira DB.Narcissistic personality disorder in clinical health psychology practice: case studies of comorbid psychological distress and life-limiting illness.Behavioral Medicine. 2017;43(3):156–164.

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Day NJS, Townsend ML, Grenyer BFS.Living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study.Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation. 2020;7(1):19.Kacel EL, Ennis N, Pereira DB.Narcissistic personality disorder in clinical health psychology practice: case studies of comorbid psychological distress and life-limiting illness.Behavioral Medicine. 2017;43(3):156–164.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Day NJS, Townsend ML, Grenyer BFS.Living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study.Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation. 2020;7(1):19.Kacel EL, Ennis N, Pereira DB.Narcissistic personality disorder in clinical health psychology practice: case studies of comorbid psychological distress and life-limiting illness.Behavioral Medicine. 2017;43(3):156–164.

Day NJS, Townsend ML, Grenyer BFS.Living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study.Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation. 2020;7(1):19.

Kacel EL, Ennis N, Pereira DB.Narcissistic personality disorder in clinical health psychology practice: case studies of comorbid psychological distress and life-limiting illness.Behavioral Medicine. 2017;43(3):156–164.

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