How Much Relationship Privacy Do You Need?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsYour Right to PrivacyWhen to Be HonestHow to Share a SecretSeeking HelpFrequently Asked Questions

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

Your Right to Privacy

When to Be Honest

How to Share a Secret

Seeking Help

Frequently Asked Questions

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Sharing things with your spouse is essential for intimacy and closeness, but relationship privacy is also important. Being honest with your spouse does not necessarily mean you must share every single thought, dream, fear, or fantasy with this person. In fact, honesty may be a double-edged sword in your marriage.

Knowing what to share and what not to share is an important communication skill for couples to learn and use in their marriage. It may also be something that can help or hinder peace and harmony with your spouse.

This article discusses the importance of privacy in a relationship, and how to know the difference between privacy and secrecy.

Secrets vs. Privacy in a Relationship

Privacy refers to your personal boundaries about your history, thoughts, opinions, and experiences separate from your partner and relationship. Secrecy, on the other hand, involves something that you are intentionally hiding from your partner.

SecrecyDishonestViolates trustIntentionally hides or misleadsHurtful and disruptiveToxicPrivacyNot dishonestDoes not violate trustInvolves being unobserved and aloneNot disruptive or harmfulHealthy

SecrecyDishonestViolates trustIntentionally hides or misleadsHurtful and disruptiveToxic

Dishonest

Violates trust

Intentionally hides or misleads

Hurtful and disruptive

Toxic

PrivacyNot dishonestDoes not violate trustInvolves being unobserved and aloneNot disruptive or harmfulHealthy

Not dishonest

Does not violate trust

Involves being unobserved and alone

Not disruptive or harmful

Healthy

It is important to remember that you do not have to share everything with another person in a relationship. Some things to remember in any relationship:

In ahealthy relationship, you honor the sense of emotional and physical privacy needed for yourself and your partner. Otherwise, ironically, you end up limiting your intimacy with one another, not enhancing it.

You can’t be truly intimate with your partner without being in touch with the innermost parts of yourself, too.

Is Honesty Always the Best Policy?

There are valid reasons for keeping a secret from your spouse. You shouldn’t have to defend not revealing embarrassing or hurtful moments from your past. It is possible that the secret involves someone else who asked that the story not be told.

Many couples have been married for a long time who have personal secrets that they haven’t shared with their spouses. The sense of space and the sense of a private part of oneself are essential to many people.

The goal of honesty is to build trust and let your partner understand that they can have faith in you. But this doesn’t mean sharing every thought that enters your mind. Instead, focus on sharing truths in a way that protects your partner and your relationship. If you are thinking of sharing a secret, ask yourself if what you want to share is kind, helpful, honest, and necessary.

Even if you are sharing something difficult, you can do so in a way that lands softly. Honesty can be truthful without being brutal.

How to Decide When to Share a Secret

If you have a secret that you think you should share, but you are unsure about it, look at your own physical responses when you are hiding the secret. If your blood pressure increases, or you find yourself blinking a lot faster, or your breathing is heavier, or you are perspiring more, then these could be clues that you should share that particular secret.

If you are keeping a secret because you don’t want to face responsibility, this can createproblems in your marriage. Withholding facts or information your spouse needs to know in decision making is harmful manipulation.

Secrets that can hurt your marriage are ones concerning:

Poor Times to Share a SecretIf you are going to share a secret or difficult issue with your spouse, note that the following times are not a good time to have important conversations:At bedtimeDuring periods of grumpinessIf either of you is drunkWhen either of you is in a stressful situationWhen either of you is tired or illWhen you or your spouse are angryWhen your spouse is already dealing with bad news

Poor Times to Share a Secret

If you are going to share a secret or difficult issue with your spouse, note that the following times are not a good time to have important conversations:At bedtimeDuring periods of grumpinessIf either of you is drunkWhen either of you is in a stressful situationWhen either of you is tired or illWhen you or your spouse are angryWhen your spouse is already dealing with bad news

If you are going to share a secret or difficult issue with your spouse, note that the following times are not a good time to have important conversations:

How to Share a Secret With Your Partner

If you decide to share a secret with your partner, some strategies can help make this conversation easier for both of you.

Be Prepared

Before you begin, accept that this may be a challenging or even stressful talk. It might lead to hurt or even anger, depending on what you are sharing. You might feel defensive, or you both might become emotional. Understanding this from the outset can prepare you to handle what the conversation brings.

Pick the Right Time

Don’t share a secret when you are both tired, pressed for time, or not in the right frame of mind. Agree on a time to have the conversation when you can both focus without distractions.

Be Honest, but Not Brutal

Telling the truth about something you want to share can be done in a kind and thoughtful way. Consider using “I statements” to frame what you are saying. Such statements can reduce conflict and are less accusatory.

For example, instead of saying something like, “You always spend money without asking!” you might say, “I feel stressed out when both of us don’t stick to the monthly budget.”

Don’t Make Excuses

If you share something representing a violation of trust or boundaries in your relationship, it is essential to be honest and willing to explain what happened without trying to excuse your actions. Being direct and open is important if you hope to regain your partner’s trust.

Honesty and trust are vital to the success of a marriage. It’s a thin line between what secrets are acceptable and which ones will haunt an individual and hurt a marriage.

A partner who discovers that they have been directly lied to, given a half-truth, or not told critical information can feel an enormous sense of betrayal. These betrayals can be hard to come back from and your partner may never feel a full sense oftrustagain. If this situation applies to you, the sooner you face it the better.

If you begin to feel the distance in your marriage and think it may be the result of a secret, then it is time to consult aprofessional therapist.

Frequently Asked QuestionsEveryone has a right to privacy in their relationship. Observing your partner’s privacy is a sign that you respect your partner’s boundaries and trust them to share what is important with you. Having this sense of privacy helps people maintain an independent sense of self and have time and space to themselves.The key to getting privacy in your relationship is toset boundaries with your partner. Talk together about what your individual boundaries are and discuss the things that you would prefer to keep private. Once you establish the type of things you want to share vs. what you want to keep private, you both share a responsibility to respect each other’s privacy.There is a difference between keeping your relationship private and keeping it a secret. Keeping your relationship a secret can lead to feelings of anxiety and isolation. If your partner is pressuring you to keep your relationship secret, it may be a sign that you are in anunhealthy relationship. However, you and your partner do have a right to keep your relationship private. You can decide as a couple what you want to share (or not share) with others.

Everyone has a right to privacy in their relationship. Observing your partner’s privacy is a sign that you respect your partner’s boundaries and trust them to share what is important with you. Having this sense of privacy helps people maintain an independent sense of self and have time and space to themselves.

The key to getting privacy in your relationship is toset boundaries with your partner. Talk together about what your individual boundaries are and discuss the things that you would prefer to keep private. Once you establish the type of things you want to share vs. what you want to keep private, you both share a responsibility to respect each other’s privacy.

There is a difference between keeping your relationship private and keeping it a secret. Keeping your relationship a secret can lead to feelings of anxiety and isolation. If your partner is pressuring you to keep your relationship secret, it may be a sign that you are in anunhealthy relationship. However, you and your partner do have a right to keep your relationship private. You can decide as a couple what you want to share (or not share) with others.

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Finkenauer C, Hazam H.Disclosure and secrecy in marriage: Do both contribute to marital satisfaction?.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2000;17(2). doi:10.1177/0265407500172005Derlaga VJ, Chaikin AL.Privacy and self-disclosure in social relationships.Journal of Social Issues.1977; 33(3). doi:10.1111/j.1540-4560.1977.tb01885.xLavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN.Does couples' communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication?J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301Błachnio A.Be happy, be honest: The role of self-control, self-beliefs, and satisfaction with life in honest behavior.J Relig Health. 2021;60(2):1015-1028. doi:10.1007/s10943-019-00956-xSlepian ML, Masicampo EJ, Toosi NR, Ambady N.The physical burdens of secrecy.J Exp Psychol Gen. 2012;141(4):619-24. doi:10.1037/a0027598

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Finkenauer C, Hazam H.Disclosure and secrecy in marriage: Do both contribute to marital satisfaction?.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2000;17(2). doi:10.1177/0265407500172005Derlaga VJ, Chaikin AL.Privacy and self-disclosure in social relationships.Journal of Social Issues.1977; 33(3). doi:10.1111/j.1540-4560.1977.tb01885.xLavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN.Does couples' communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication?J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301Błachnio A.Be happy, be honest: The role of self-control, self-beliefs, and satisfaction with life in honest behavior.J Relig Health. 2021;60(2):1015-1028. doi:10.1007/s10943-019-00956-xSlepian ML, Masicampo EJ, Toosi NR, Ambady N.The physical burdens of secrecy.J Exp Psychol Gen. 2012;141(4):619-24. doi:10.1037/a0027598

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Finkenauer C, Hazam H.Disclosure and secrecy in marriage: Do both contribute to marital satisfaction?.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2000;17(2). doi:10.1177/0265407500172005Derlaga VJ, Chaikin AL.Privacy and self-disclosure in social relationships.Journal of Social Issues.1977; 33(3). doi:10.1111/j.1540-4560.1977.tb01885.xLavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN.Does couples' communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication?J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301Błachnio A.Be happy, be honest: The role of self-control, self-beliefs, and satisfaction with life in honest behavior.J Relig Health. 2021;60(2):1015-1028. doi:10.1007/s10943-019-00956-xSlepian ML, Masicampo EJ, Toosi NR, Ambady N.The physical burdens of secrecy.J Exp Psychol Gen. 2012;141(4):619-24. doi:10.1037/a0027598

Finkenauer C, Hazam H.Disclosure and secrecy in marriage: Do both contribute to marital satisfaction?.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2000;17(2). doi:10.1177/0265407500172005

Derlaga VJ, Chaikin AL.Privacy and self-disclosure in social relationships.Journal of Social Issues.1977; 33(3). doi:10.1111/j.1540-4560.1977.tb01885.x

Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN.Does couples' communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication?J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301

Błachnio A.Be happy, be honest: The role of self-control, self-beliefs, and satisfaction with life in honest behavior.J Relig Health. 2021;60(2):1015-1028. doi:10.1007/s10943-019-00956-x

Slepian ML, Masicampo EJ, Toosi NR, Ambady N.The physical burdens of secrecy.J Exp Psychol Gen. 2012;141(4):619-24. doi:10.1037/a0027598

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