The duration of anarcissistic relationshipcan vary widely depending on the individuals involved and the specific circumstances of the relationship.
There are anecdotal observations suggesting that the average length of a narcissistic relationship is around six months, but no empirical evidence supports this claim.
Narcissistic relationships can be highly dysfunctional and emotionally damaging for the partner who is not exhibiting narcissistic traits. In some cases, the non-narcissistic partner may endure the relationship for an extended period due to manipulation, fear, or a belief that things will improve.
However, it’s important to note that narcissistic individuals often struggle with forming healthy and lasting relationships due to their inability to truly connect with others on an emotional level.
Higher levels of narcissism are associatedwith higher levels of aggression within a relationship. In these cases, the abuse and manipulation can be so severe that the non-narcissistic partner may leave the relationship right away.
If the narcissist’s goals in the relationship are met (i.e., they are receiving theirnarcissistic supply), they might prolong the relationship. Alternatively, if they find a new source of supply, they might abruptly end the current relationship.
Ultimately, there is no fixed timeline for how long a narcissistic relationship will last. Some individuals may stay in such relationships for years, while others may recognize the toxic dynamics sooner and exit the relationship relatively quickly.
What does a narcissist do at the end of a relationship?
At the end of a relationship involving a narcissistic individual, their behavior can be quite complex and can vary depending on their personality, the circumstances of the breakup, and their goals.
Researchhas suggested that at theend of a relationship, there tend to be two extremes: the narcissist will either react with anger and seek revenge or they will attempt to “hoover” the ex-partner back into their life.
Narcissists may also initiate the breakup themselves, often abruptly and without warning. They might do this to regain a sense of control or to move on to a new source of admiration and attention.
Hoovering
Hooveringis a term used to describe the manipulative tactics that a narcissistic individual may employ to try to draw their ex-partner back into a relationship.
This behavior can be an attempt to maintain control or to secure a backup source of supply.
Narcissistic Rage
During the end of a relationship with a narcissistic individual, the abuse can escalate, and a phenomenon known as “narcissistic rage” may occur.
Narcissistic rage refers to intense and explosive reactions from a narcissist when they perceive a threat to their self-esteem or control.
Here are some of the behaviors that may be seen during narcissistic rage:
Real-life Accounts of Victims
Below are some accounts of individuals in a narcissistic relationship taken from two different qualitative studies:
Study 1:
“Just the idea, the prospect of us breaking up freaked him out so much that I sort of had to take it back in a way you know because it seemed to utterly destroy him.”
“Well the fact that me and him were on the verge of breaking up for such a long time and never actually broke up says a lot about how he didn’t want me to ever leave him.”
“He would never admit that “I never want to lose you” but I think he was so afraid of losing me that he turned into the victim just to keep me.”
Study 2:
“I wanted to have boundaries, and I needed to have boundaries. Because it was like, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t happy. He was hurting me. I talked about it a lot. I wanted to leave. But he’d fight me, and I was scared that he’d go crazy.”
How do you leave a narcissistic relationship?
Leaving a narcissistic relationship can be challenging and emotionally difficult.
Once you assess your situation and make a firm decision to leave, you must stay strong, remind yourself why you’re leaving, and lean on your support network.
You must recognize that the narcissist may try to manipulate your emotions or use tactics to lure you back, so it is important to focus on your own healing and emotional well-being.
Here are a few tips to help you navigate the process:
The Friend Question
Imagine a very good friend or close family member came to you for advice about their relationship. Imagine they told you all the things that you have experienced in your relationship – what advice would you give them?
Would you tell them to stay with an abusive partner? Would you say the relationship is worth the damage it causes to their self-esteem and confidence?
By putting yourself in their shoes, you might be able to gain more clarity on your situation and feel more confident about your decision to leave.
Educate Yourself
Learn about narcissism, manipulation tactics, and the dynamics of abusive relationships. Understanding what you’re dealing with can empower you to make informed decisions.
Try making a list of all the of the reasons you are leaving. Write down the things your partner has said or done that have been hurtful, confusing, and abusive. Keep this list with you and use it to validate your decision.
Build Support
Reach out to friends, family members, and support groups who can offer emotional support, validation, and guidance throughout the process.
A therapist, counselor, or psychologist with experience in narcissistic abuse can also provide you with coping strategies, validation, and guidance as you navigate the process.
Preparing to Leave
Preparing to leave a narcissistic relationship requires careful planning to ensure your safety, emotional well-being, and overall success in transitioning to a healthier life.
Here are some steps to consider:
How to recover from a narcissistic relationship?
Recovering from a narcissistic relationship is a process that requires time, self-care, and support.
You must recognize that you were in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and accept thathealing takes time.
Consider therapy or counseling with a mental health professional experienced in trauma, abuse, and narcissistic relationships. They can provide guidance and coping strategies.
Also, be sure to surround yourself with supportive friends, family, and support groups, as they can provide validation and empathy.
Above all, be kind to yourself. Understand that you were a victim of manipulation and abuse. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a friend in a similar situation. Reconnect with your interests, hobbies, and passions that may have been suppressed during the relationship.
Challenge negative beliefs that the narcissist may have instilled in you and focus on rebuilding your self-esteem.
Recovering from a narcissistic relationship is a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and perseverance. Healing takes time, but with the right support and strategies, you can reclaim your sense of self, rebuild your life, and move forward in a healthier direction.
FAQs
Will a Narcissist Ever Be Happy in a Relationship?Narcissists have difficulties establishing and maintaining genuinely happy and fulfilling relationships due to their personality traits and behavior patterns.While it’s not impossible for a narcissist to experience moments of happiness or satisfaction within a relationship, their underlying tendencies can hinder the development of healthy and lasting connections.Narcissists struggle with genuine empathy and the ability to understand and respond to others’ emotions. This lack of empathy makes it challenging for them to form deep emotional connections that contribute to happiness in relationships.Narcissists are primarily focused on their own needs, desires, and feelings. They often view relationships as a means to gain validation, admiration, and control rather than as opportunities for mutual happiness.As such, their relationships tend to be superficial, based on manipulation, and lack the depth necessary for sustained happiness.
Will a Narcissist Ever Be Happy in a Relationship?
Narcissists have difficulties establishing and maintaining genuinely happy and fulfilling relationships due to their personality traits and behavior patterns.While it’s not impossible for a narcissist to experience moments of happiness or satisfaction within a relationship, their underlying tendencies can hinder the development of healthy and lasting connections.Narcissists struggle with genuine empathy and the ability to understand and respond to others’ emotions. This lack of empathy makes it challenging for them to form deep emotional connections that contribute to happiness in relationships.Narcissists are primarily focused on their own needs, desires, and feelings. They often view relationships as a means to gain validation, admiration, and control rather than as opportunities for mutual happiness.As such, their relationships tend to be superficial, based on manipulation, and lack the depth necessary for sustained happiness.
Narcissists have difficulties establishing and maintaining genuinely happy and fulfilling relationships due to their personality traits and behavior patterns.
While it’s not impossible for a narcissist to experience moments of happiness or satisfaction within a relationship, their underlying tendencies can hinder the development of healthy and lasting connections.
Narcissists struggle with genuine empathy and the ability to understand and respond to others’ emotions. This lack of empathy makes it challenging for them to form deep emotional connections that contribute to happiness in relationships.
Narcissists are primarily focused on their own needs, desires, and feelings. They often view relationships as a means to gain validation, admiration, and control rather than as opportunities for mutual happiness.
As such, their relationships tend to be superficial, based on manipulation, and lack the depth necessary for sustained happiness.
How Will a Narcissist React When They No Longer Have Control Over Someone?
When a narcissist loses control over someone, their reaction can vary depending on their personality, the dynamics of the relationship, and their level of awareness.
A common response when a narcissist feels threatened or challenged is to burst into narcissistic rage. They might become enraged, lash out verbally or even physically, and engage in aggressive behavior to regain a sense of control.
How Long Do Narcissists Typically “Love Bomb” For?
The duration of the love bombing phase can vary depending on the individual narcissist and the dynamics of the relationship. The aim of love bombing is to quickly establish a deep emotional connection and gain control over the other person.
Sources
Czerny, A. & Lassiter, P. & Lim, J. H. (2018). Post-Abuse Boundary Renegotiation: Healing and Reclaiming Self After Intimate Partner Violence.Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 40, 211-225.
Green, A. & Charles, K. (2019). Voicing the victims of narcissistic partners: A Qualitative Analysis of Responses to Narcissistic Injury and Self-Esteem Regulation. SAGE Open.
Howard V. (2019). Recognising Narcissistic Abuse and the Implications for Mental Health Nursing Practice. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 40(8), 644-654. Kjærvik, S. L., & Bushman, B. J. (2021). The link between narcissism and aggression: A meta-analytic review.Psychological Bulletin. Advance online publication.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Julia Simkus
BA (Hons) Psychology, Princeton University
Julia Simkus is a graduate of Princeton University with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She is currently studying for a Master’s Degree in Counseling for Mental Health and Wellness in September 2023. Julia’s research has been published in peer reviewed journals.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of QueenslandAnna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher
Mental Health Writer
BSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
