How Important Are Our Sexual Needs?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsDiscrepant DesireResearch FindingsThe Ideal AmountMeeting Your Sexual NeedsCauses of Decreased Sexual Desire

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Discrepant Desire

Research Findings

The Ideal Amount

Meeting Your Sexual Needs

Causes of Decreased Sexual Desire

Many people wonder how much sex they should be having. They wonder how much sex is enough for a married couple, or if they are “normal” compared to others. Justhow important is sex, anyway? These are common questions asked in the offices of couples therapists and sex therapists (and maybe just as commonly, worried about but not asked).

It’s risky to citestatisticson sexual satisfaction for a few reasons. This is because much of the data is from self-reported information. We really aren’t 100% confident about the accuracy of the results. While it is important to have an initial reference point for different groups of people, it is typically not what someone is really asking.

People actually wish to know if their relationship is healthy. They are wondering if they are enough for their partner or if their partner is enough for them. They are wondering if “too much” or, typically, “too little” sex is at issue in their relationship. Sometimes they are worried that their relationship may be in jeopardy due to this concern.

The question about sexual frequency typically comes when one partner is less satisfied with the amount of sex they are having. This “discrepant desire” level, where one partner wants more or less than the other, is common in committed relationships. It can also be thatbothpartners are displeased with the frequency in which they engage in sexual interaction.

The good news, however, is that marital satisfaction is not simply a function of sexual frequency. In fact, married couples are looking at thequalityof their sexual interaction and not just thequantity.

What the Research Tells Us About Sexual Needs

First and foremost, the research on marital satisfaction is fraught with difficulties. This is often due to the design of the experiment or the way in which data is collected. Nonetheless, people still need something as a gauge, and research shows that:

How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

Why Is Once a Week Ideal?

This cap can be viewed as the relationship equivalent of the “law of diminishing returns,” which states that when you add more employees to get a job done, there is an increase in productivity, but only to a point. After that point, efficiency drops. So sex once or twice a month might not be sufficient, but according to research, having sex more than once per week doesn’t increase happiness any further.

In fact, in another recent study, couples who were instructed to double the amount of sex they were having were no happier than they were before (with their usual rate of sex). Furthermore, they reported less enjoyment of sex. With the law of diminishing returns, there seems to be a downside to too much sex if it is forced or unnatural.

We know sexual satisfaction is better at certain stages of relationships. We also know that life gets in the way. It is up to each couple to set their own personal standard and be okay with it. This is what is most critical when considering sexual satisfaction.

It’s not about the number, but your experience of that number.

Couples who ruminate as to whether or not their frequency is “normal” are those who are likely dissatisfied and may indeed be below the curve. Yet there are couples—typically, but not always, older and longer married couples—for whom infrequent sex is acceptable and satisfaction is expressed overall in the relationship.

Discrepant desire can become a real problem—more often quantitatively but sometimes even qualitatively.For those whose sex lives are challenged, there are steps you can take.

For one, assess your relationship outside of the bedroom. Are you achieving intimacy there? Physical, mental, and emotional intimacy are imperative to your connection with your partner. Whatever yourlove language, whether it is a combination of quality time, gifts, physical touch, acts of service, or words of affirmation, nurture them. If your only love language is sex, it is important to broaden the ways you understand, give, and receive love to and from your partner.

Couples therapistsmay suggest solutions like scheduling sex, changing the venue, going on a trip away from the family space, spicing things up, or even reenacting your dating sex. These work for some and not others. Couples therapists can also help couples address and heal the root cause or source of what may be causing distance, conflict, or reduced desire or interest in the relationship.

With testosterone levels highest in the morning, that may be an option for some. If that is ineffective in boosting you in the bedroom, then seek the help of asex therapist,but not without first ruling out any physical or physiological issues.

If you have had adry spell, merely engaging in sex can get you back in the game. It will get your rhythm going again and help the flow of bonding hormones like oxytocin and vasopressin.You can revive and repair the disengagement you are feeling. It is also important to consider factors that have influenced the dry spell and to tend to emotional or relational issues that may be impacting connection.

Because intimacy and sex are intertwined, sometimes this is all a couple needs to get back on track.

Remember, it’s not the number that is important, but the meaning of the question. Staying married is hard enough in the context of today’s challenges and life’s distractions. Those challenges tend to migrate into the bedroom.

So as we remain committed, or married, we can consider satisfaction in our relationship with sex as one of many contributing factors. The frequency of sex may fluctuate over the years and the overall quality of the relationship is measured in ways that extend beyond the bedroom. Sometimes changes in desire and sex can be an indication of issues in a relationship that can be addressed with the support of couples or sex therapy and this is important to consider as well.

The 5 Best Online Sex Therapy Programs

A Word From Verywell

Communication about desires and feelings about your sex life in an open, honest and respectful way is imperative. Both partners need to feel heard and satisfied in marriage and sexual intimacy is part of a successful marital relationship. One person’s desires cannot trump another’s.

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Velten J, Margraf J.Satisfaction guaranteed? How individual, partner, and relationship factors impact sexual satisfaction within partnerships.PLoS One. 2017;12(2):e0172855. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0172855Loewenstein G, Krishnamurti T, Kopsic J, Mcdonald D.Does Increased Sexual Frequency Enhance Happiness?Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization. 2015;116:206-218. doi:10.1016/j.jebo.2015.04.021Yabiku ST, Gager CT.Sexual Frequency and the Stability of Marital and Cohabiting Unions.Journal of Marriage and Family. 2009;71(4):983-1000. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2009.00648.xMuise A, Schimmack U, Impett EA.Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better.Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2015;7(4):295-302. doi:10.1177/1948550615616462Carter CS.The Oxytocin-Vasopressin Pathway in the Context of Love and Fear.Front Endocrinol (Lausanne). 2017;8:356. doi:10.3389/fendo.2017.00356

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Velten J, Margraf J.Satisfaction guaranteed? How individual, partner, and relationship factors impact sexual satisfaction within partnerships.PLoS One. 2017;12(2):e0172855. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0172855Loewenstein G, Krishnamurti T, Kopsic J, Mcdonald D.Does Increased Sexual Frequency Enhance Happiness?Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization. 2015;116:206-218. doi:10.1016/j.jebo.2015.04.021Yabiku ST, Gager CT.Sexual Frequency and the Stability of Marital and Cohabiting Unions.Journal of Marriage and Family. 2009;71(4):983-1000. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2009.00648.xMuise A, Schimmack U, Impett EA.Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better.Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2015;7(4):295-302. doi:10.1177/1948550615616462Carter CS.The Oxytocin-Vasopressin Pathway in the Context of Love and Fear.Front Endocrinol (Lausanne). 2017;8:356. doi:10.3389/fendo.2017.00356

Velten J, Margraf J.Satisfaction guaranteed? How individual, partner, and relationship factors impact sexual satisfaction within partnerships.PLoS One. 2017;12(2):e0172855. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0172855Loewenstein G, Krishnamurti T, Kopsic J, Mcdonald D.Does Increased Sexual Frequency Enhance Happiness?Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization. 2015;116:206-218. doi:10.1016/j.jebo.2015.04.021Yabiku ST, Gager CT.Sexual Frequency and the Stability of Marital and Cohabiting Unions.Journal of Marriage and Family. 2009;71(4):983-1000. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2009.00648.xMuise A, Schimmack U, Impett EA.Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better.Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2015;7(4):295-302. doi:10.1177/1948550615616462Carter CS.The Oxytocin-Vasopressin Pathway in the Context of Love and Fear.Front Endocrinol (Lausanne). 2017;8:356. doi:10.3389/fendo.2017.00356

Loewenstein G, Krishnamurti T, Kopsic J, Mcdonald D.Does Increased Sexual Frequency Enhance Happiness?Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization. 2015;116:206-218. doi:10.1016/j.jebo.2015.04.021

Yabiku ST, Gager CT.Sexual Frequency and the Stability of Marital and Cohabiting Unions.Journal of Marriage and Family. 2009;71(4):983-1000. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2009.00648.x

Muise A, Schimmack U, Impett EA.Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better.Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2015;7(4):295-302. doi:10.1177/1948550615616462

Carter CS.The Oxytocin-Vasopressin Pathway in the Context of Love and Fear.Front Endocrinol (Lausanne). 2017;8:356. doi:10.3389/fendo.2017.00356

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What the Research Tells Us About Sexual Needs#

Why Is Once a Week Ideal?#

A Word From Verywell#

What the Research Tells Us About Sexual Needs

Why Is Once a Week Ideal?

A Word From Verywell