Before we tied the knot and merged our finances, my husband and I decided to each hang on to a credit card from our single days. Higher limits in case of an emergency and the ability to charge a surprise gift unnoticed solidified our decision. But as I scanned our joint credit card charges last month, I thought back to our individual cards and how easy it would be for either of us to be financially unfaithful.Marital infidelity is widely known, butresearchshows that financial infidelity is on the rise.41% of American adultsreported that they’ve hidden accounts, debt, or spending habits from their partner. Arecent surveydetermined that millennials are nearly twice as likely to hide money or accounts from partners than other generations.Choosing to keep financial choices hidden from a loved one — no matter how seemingly harmless — can have significant repercussions for relationships and for your mental health.
Hiding Finances Breaks Trust
Deliberately concealing or lying about finances creates a barrier in even the strongest relationships. When exposed, it breaks down an essential component of partnerships: trust. Without thefoundational element of trust, couples may face an uphill battle that would require time, focused effort, and professional support to rebuild.“It is difficult to repair trust once it has been broken,” said Washington D.C.-based Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, CFTP. “When one of the partners withholds information from the other or covers it up, it is normal to feel betrayed, guilty, anxious, or depressed. All these can lead to problems and affect our mental health.”Megan McCoy, a professor at Kansas State University who specializes in financial therapy,told NPRthat money fights are often more intense and last longer because money relates to significant life events like college savings or retirement.Realizing the deception from someone you love adds to the pain. “It’s hard to realize someone could be so fake to you, someone you thought you understood and could read,” she said.
Marriage Counseling OnlineStrengthen your marriage with the help of an experienced, licensed marriage counselor, from home and at your convenience.Start here
Marriage Counseling OnlineStrengthen your marriage with the help of an experienced, licensed marriage counselor, from home and at your convenience.
Marriage Counseling Online
Strengthen your marriage with the help of an experienced, licensed marriage counselor, from home and at your convenience.
Start here
Couples Therapy OnlineStrengthen your relationship through couples therapy you can participate in together or apart, at your convenience.Learn more
Couples Therapy OnlineStrengthen your relationship through couples therapy you can participate in together or apart, at your convenience.
Couples Therapy Online
Strengthen your relationship through couples therapy you can participate in together or apart, at your convenience.
Learn more
The Bigger the Secret, the Greater the Long-Term Stress
Living a double life riddled with worry can send stress levels skyrocketing. Will he discover that extra account? Will she find out about my compulsive gambling? Will he see my credit card debt? There are many stressors in everyday life — includingsome that may surprise you— but as the financial stakes get higher when you cheat financially, the stress levels will, too.Long-term stress can have lasting impact on your health and negatively affect your immune, digestive, sleep, and reproductive systems. TheNational Institute of Mental Healthwarns that chronic stress can lead to complications like heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and mental health conditions like depression. The financial choices you hide clearly have implications that can last long after a secret transaction.
Financial Anxiety is Amplified
The Lies Begin to Snowball
What’s the hurt of one trashed receipt, one big bet, or one private loan? It’s actually more dangerous than you think. Thesnowball effectapplies to lying — no matter what the topic.Researcherswho studied the brain activity of people who told small lies found that they were more likely to tell larger lies in the future.“Whether it’s evading tax, infidelity, doping in sports, making up data in science, or financial fraud, deceivers often recall how small acts of dishonesty snowballed over time and they suddenly found themselves committing quite large crimes,” study co-author Tali Sharot said in anews article.Because every couple is different, Catchings encourages us to think beyond generalizations. If there are no repercussions, the person may continue to be deceitful. He or she may instead feel remorseful and stop the behavior.“The main point is to recognize that we need the help and to be able to work with our fears,” Catchings said. “It is much better to be honest and work through relationship issues centered on money as early as we can, instead of having to deal with a mountain of stories and lies that can truly destroy the relationship.”Working together as a couple in the spirit of openness, you can set the road map that will lead to a strengthenedrelationshipand freedom on the way to recovery.
Our goal at Talkspace is to provide the most up-to-date, valuable, and objective information on mental health-related topics in order to help readers make informed decisions.
Articles contain trusted third-party sources that are either directly linked to in the text or listed at the bottom to take readers directly to the source.
Share0Tweet0Pin it0
Share0
Tweet0
Pin it0
