How Couples Can Rebuild Trust in a Relationship

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsPicking Up the PiecesRebuilding TrustRebuilding the RelationshipGetting Professional Help

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Picking Up the Pieces

Rebuilding Trust

Rebuilding the Relationship

Getting Professional Help

Close

Trust in an intimate relationship is rooted in feeling safe with another person. Infidelity, lies, or broken promises can severely damage the trust between partners, even leading totrust issues. However, when trust is broken, this does not necessarily mean that the relationship can’t be salvaged.

Although rebuilding trust can be challenging when there is a significant breach, it is, in fact, possible if both partners are committed to the process. Learn how to regain trust in your relationship and feel safe once again.

Research has shown that couples must address the following five sticking points to effectively move past a breach of trust:

Whether you were the offending partner or the betrayed, to rebuild the trust in your relationship, both of you must renew your commitment to your relationship and to one another.

Know the Details

Even in seemingly clear-cutcases of betrayal, there are always two sides. The offending partner should be upfront and honest with information, in addition to giving clear answers to any and all questions from their partner.

This will give the betrayed party a broader understanding of the situation. What happened, when, and where? What feelings or problems may have contributed to this situation? What were the mitigating circumstances?

Release the Anger

Even minor breaches of trust can lead to mental, emotional, and physical health problems. Partners may have trouble sleeping or diminished appetite. They may become irritable over small things or be quick to trigger.

While it may be tempting to stuff all of the anger and emotions down, it is imperative that betrayed partners tune in andreflect on all the feelings they have. Consider the impact of your partner’s betrayal on you and others.

Reflect on how life has been disrupted, including thinking about all the questions and doubts that are now emerging. Make your partner aware of all these feelings.

Even the offending partner is encouraged to express anyfeelings of resentmentand anger they may have been harboring since before the incident.

Show Commitment

Both parties, especially the betrayed, may be questioning their commitment to the relationship. They may be wondering if the relationship is still right for them or even salvageable.

Acts of empathycan be healing to both parties. These include sharing pain, frustration, and anger; showing remorse and regret; and allowing space for the acknowledgment and validation of hurt feelings.

Building off of this, defining what both sides require from the relationship can help give partners the understanding that proceeding with the relationship comes with clear expectations that each person, in moving ahead, has agreed to fulfill.

Both parties must work to define what is required to stay committed to making the relationship work.

In communicating this, avoid using words that can trigger conflict (e.g., always, must, never, should) in describing what you see, expect, or want from your partner. Instead, choose words that facilitate open conversation anduse non-blaming “I” statements. For example, favor “I need to feel like a priority in your life” over “You never put me first.”

Together, you must set specific goals and realistic timelines for getting your relationship back on track. Recognize that rebuilding trust takes time and requires the following:

Press Play For Advice On Forgiveness

For the Offender

As the person who compromised the relationship, it may be hard or even painful to be reminded of your wrongdoings. Remember, though, that the above steps are essential to the process ofrelationship repair and recovery. As you work on them:

For the Betrayed

For the Couple

While there’s independent work to do, remember to listen completely to one another. Remind one another that you each deserve open and honest answers to your questions about the betrayal.

Once couples have committed to rebuilding trust, they must work on treating the relationship like it is a completely new one. Both sides must ask for what they really need and not expect their partner to simply know what it is they want.

Do not withhold trust in this new relationship, even though it is with the same person. Withholding trust out of fear or anger will prevent you fromemotionally reconnecting with your partner. This keeps your relationship from moving forward in a healthy way.

Some examples include establishing date nights; working on a five-year, ten-year, and even 20-year plan together; finding yourlove languages; and checking in with your partner about how you feel the relationship is doing or if it is living up to your expectations.

Remember that all relationships require work. Even the closest couples have to work hard at renewing the spark while working to grow in the same direction together, year after year.

You can work on building a healthier, happier, andmore honest relationshipif you address the five issues listed above, and hold onto the bigger picture: that getting through this is only possible if you stay strong and commit to working on it together. A ​therapist can help you process the what, why, and how of what happened to help you both move forward.

Both parties must be open to seeking counseling to have a better understanding of what caused the trust to be broken. But you may want or need to seek individual therapy in addition to couples' therapy.

There are severalforms of treatmentfor couples that are designed to re-establish trust, communication, and connection that can be especially helpful. Through continued work and therapy, you may even end up with a more solid relationship after going through such a crisis.

The 6 Best Online Marriage Counseling Programs

1 SourceVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Winek JL, Craven PA.Healing rituals for couples recovering from adultery.Contemp Fam Ther. 2003;25:249-266. doi:10.1023/A:1024518719817

1 Source

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Winek JL, Craven PA.Healing rituals for couples recovering from adultery.Contemp Fam Ther. 2003;25:249-266. doi:10.1023/A:1024518719817

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Winek JL, Craven PA.Healing rituals for couples recovering from adultery.Contemp Fam Ther. 2003;25:249-266. doi:10.1023/A:1024518719817

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