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Mental Health HomepageConditions LibraryConditions CategoryConditions CategoryHow Childhood Attachment Styles Influence Your Adult Relationships
Table of Contents:OverviewThe Two Types of AttachmentSecure attachment explainedInsecure attachment explainedMental Health Challenges Can Create Parental DistanceWhat to do if You’re Insecure in Your Attachment Style
Anxiety DisorderRead Time: 4 Minutes
Published On: September 17, 2018
Reviewed On: September 17, 2018
Updated On: November 2, 2023
OverviewIf you have noticed that your intimate relationships have been stressful or unfulfilling, it might be time to think about your attachment style. Attachment style derives from your earliest experiences with your parents.Knowing the effects these parenting styles have on you as a child helps you better understand the roots of potential relationship issues, and where to begin when addressing these issues — whether on your own, or with the help of a therapist.
Overview
If you have noticed that your intimate relationships have been stressful or unfulfilling, it might be time to think about your attachment style. Attachment style derives from your earliest experiences with your parents.
Knowing the effects these parenting styles have on you as a child helps you better understand the roots of potential relationship issues, and where to begin when addressing these issues — whether on your own, or with the help of a therapist.
The Two Types of AttachmentThere are two main types of attachment:secureandinsecure.
The Two Types of Attachment
There are two main types of attachment:secureandinsecure.
Secure attachment explained
As an adult in anintimate relationship, a securely attached person will be trusting and open, able to give their partner space while being confident that their partner will return to them. They will not be excessively jealous or distant, which are both hallmarks of insecurity.
Insecure attachment explainedWithin insecure attachment, there are two subtypes:preoccupiedandavoidant.Preoccupied insecure attachmentPeople with preoccupied attachment had parents who could not be counted upon to give love and comfort when needed. They showed love, but only when it was convenient for them. At other times, they could act cold, distant, or even abusive. Parents withnarcissismorborderline personality disorderoften foster preoccupied attachment in their children. Kids with preoccupied attachment learn to be hypervigilant around their parents, trying to be present in case a loving moment happens, while keeping their guard up in case they end up getting hurt.In adulthood, preoccupied individuals act jealous and clingy with their significant others. They struggle with trust and can act smothering and intrusive within intimate relationships. They are trying to make up for their childhood, where their parent’s love was unpredictable. Now, in adulthood, they want to control their partner and ensure that they are always present. As you can imagine, this often ends up pushing partners away, which makes the preoccupied partner even moreanxious.Avoidant insecure attachmentOn the other end of the insecure attachment spectrum is avoidant attachment. Children with avoidant attachment learn that their parents cannot be relied upon for emotional sustenance at all. These parents are consistently cold, distant, or evenneglectful or abusive. These kids learn that it is unsafe to rely upon others for emotional closeness, and they become extremely independent at an early age.As adults, those withavoidantattachment have great difficulty with expressing need or vulnerability. They find it almost impossible to rely on anyone, or to ask for their needs to be met. This can be very frustrating for their romantic partners, who yearn for a closer connection than the avoidant partner may feel comfortable providing.Avoidant partnersoften cheat, or date many people simultaneously. Anything to avoid feeling dependent on one person, who they subconsciously fear will disappoint them as their parents did.
Insecure attachment explained
Within insecure attachment, there are two subtypes:preoccupiedandavoidant.
Preoccupied insecure attachment
People with preoccupied attachment had parents who could not be counted upon to give love and comfort when needed. They showed love, but only when it was convenient for them. At other times, they could act cold, distant, or even abusive. Parents withnarcissismorborderline personality disorderoften foster preoccupied attachment in their children. Kids with preoccupied attachment learn to be hypervigilant around their parents, trying to be present in case a loving moment happens, while keeping their guard up in case they end up getting hurt.
In adulthood, preoccupied individuals act jealous and clingy with their significant others. They struggle with trust and can act smothering and intrusive within intimate relationships. They are trying to make up for their childhood, where their parent’s love was unpredictable. Now, in adulthood, they want to control their partner and ensure that they are always present. As you can imagine, this often ends up pushing partners away, which makes the preoccupied partner even moreanxious.
Avoidant insecure attachment
On the other end of the insecure attachment spectrum is avoidant attachment. Children with avoidant attachment learn that their parents cannot be relied upon for emotional sustenance at all. These parents are consistently cold, distant, or evenneglectful or abusive. These kids learn that it is unsafe to rely upon others for emotional closeness, and they become extremely independent at an early age.
As adults, those withavoidantattachment have great difficulty with expressing need or vulnerability. They find it almost impossible to rely on anyone, or to ask for their needs to be met. This can be very frustrating for their romantic partners, who yearn for a closer connection than the avoidant partner may feel comfortable providing.Avoidant partnersoften cheat, or date many people simultaneously. Anything to avoid feeling dependent on one person, who they subconsciously fear will disappoint them as their parents did.
Mental Health Challenges Can Create Parental Distance
Parents of both types of insecurely attached people are not bad or ill-intentioned. They did not try to be distant or unpredictable. They love their children and may have been struggling with issues such as personality disorders,depression, anxiety,addiction, or trauma histories of their own.
What to do if You’re Insecure in Your Attachment Style
It can be very illuminating to discuss your upbringing with a therapist, and to finally understand the root of whatever unfulfilling relationship patterns you exhibit.
Dr. Samantha RodmanDr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, PsyD, is originally from Brooklyn, New York and now lives in Potomac, Maryland with her husband and three children. She attended Columbia University for her BA, and received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from the University of Maryland at College Park. Dr. Whiten is a licensed psychologist seeing clients via phone and video. She has been working with individuals, couples, and families in her private practice since 2009.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, PsyD, is originally from Brooklyn, New York and now lives in Potomac, Maryland with her husband and three children. She attended Columbia University for her BA, and received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from the University of Maryland at College Park. Dr. Whiten is a licensed psychologist seeing clients via phone and video. She has been working with individuals, couples, and families in her private practice since 2009.
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