How BPD Affects Romantic Relationships

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsSymptomsStarting a RelationshipManaging a RelationshipIf Your Partner Has BPDBreaking Up

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Symptoms

Starting a Relationship

Managing a Relationship

If Your Partner Has BPD

Breaking Up

Close

If you or someone you love hasborderline personality disorder (BPD)you know this mental health condition can make relationships difficult. People with BPD experience unstable moods, emotional dysregulation, fear of abandonment, impulsive behaviors, and more. Symptoms of BPD also may include risk-taking behavior as well as self-harm or suicidal behaviors.As a result, they commonly experience relationships that are chaotic, intense, and conflict-laden. This can be especially true for romantic relationships.

If you are considering starting a relationship with someone who has BPD (or are in one now), it’s important to educate yourself about the disorder and what to expect. Likewise, if you have been diagnosed with BPD, it can be helpful to think about how your symptoms have affected yourdating lifeand romantic relationships.

What BPD Looks Like in a Relationship

Everyone faces relationship problems at some point. For people with BPD, these problems are so prevalent that they are considered a core symptom of the condition.

For example, one study demonstrated that women with BPD symptoms reported greaterchronic relationship stressand more frequent conflicts. Also, the more severe a person’s BPD symptoms are the less relationship satisfaction their partner reports.

All of this conflict and turmoil means that people with borderline personality disorder have trouble maintaining relationships. Research has also shown that BPD symptoms are associated with a greater number of romantic relationships over time.

BPD can affect relationships in a variety of ways. Some problems that can come up throughout a relationship with a person with BPD include:

Instability

People with BPD are often terrified that others will leave them. However, they can also shift suddenly to feeling smothered and fearful of intimacy, which leads them to withdraw from relationships. The result is a constant back-and-forth between demands for love or attention and suddenwithdrawalor isolation.

Fear of Abandonment

Another BPD symptom that particularly impacts relationships is a deepfear of abandonment.They are always on high alert, looking for any possible sign that someone will leave them. This means that they often misinterpret even minor events as signs of imminent abandonment.

These emotions may result in frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, such as pleading, public scenes, and even physically preventing the other person from leaving.

What Is BPD Abandonment?

Lying

Another common complaint of people in relationships with someone with BPD islying. People with this condition often lie in order to try to avoid being abandoned. Intense emotions, impulsivity, shame, and distorted perceptions also play a role in this tendency to lie.

While lying and deception are not behaviors included in the formal diagnostic criteria for BPD, many loved ones report that lying is one of their biggest concerns. The constant deception undermines trust in relationships.

Impulsive Sexuality

Impulsive sexuality is another classic symptom of BPD, and many people with BPD struggle with issues of sexuality. Also, a large percentage of people with BPD experiencedchildhood sexual abuse,which can make sex very complicated.

One review published in theInnovations in Clinical Neurosciencelooked at how people with BPD differed from those without when it came to sexual behavior. The authors conclude that those with BPD seemed to exhibit impulsivity through various behaviors, including earlier sexual encounters, more casual sexual experiences, and more partners, for example.

Finally, research has also shown BPD symptoms are associated with a higher incidence of unplanned pregnancies in women.

Symptoms with an Indirect Effect

Other symptoms of BPD, including impulsivity,self-harm,anddissociative symptoms, can have an indirect impact on relationships. For example, if a loved one with BPD is engaging in impulsive behaviors like going on spending sprees, it can cause major stress within the family.

Suicidal gestures andideationcan be scary for romantic partners and can introduce lots of stress into the relationship.

Starting a Romantic Relationship When Someone Has BPD

Despite the intense and disruptive symptoms people with BPD and their loved ones must cope with,people with BPD often have many positive qualities that can make them great romantic partners some of the time. Furthermore, many people who have been in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD describe their partner as fun, exciting, and passionate.

Many people are initially drawn to people with BPD precisely because they have intense emotions and a strong desire for intimacy.

Will the Relationship Last?

Most relationships go through ahoneymoon periodat the start. Relationships with people who have BPD are no exception. In fact, the experience may be magnified.

People with BPD often report that at the beginning of a new romantic relationship, they put their new partner “on a pedestal.” They may feel as thoughthey have found their perfect match—a soulmatewho will rescue them from their emotional pain. This kind of thinking is called idealization.

This honeymoon period can be very exciting for the new partner, too. After all, it’s really nice to have someone feel so strongly about you and to feel needed.

Problems start to arise, however, when reality sets in. When a person with BPD realizes that their new partner is not faultless, that image of the perfect, idealized soulmate can come crashing down. Because people with BPD struggle withdichotomous thinking, or seeing things only in black and white, they can have trouble recognizing the fact that most people make mistakes even when they mean well.

As a result, people with BPD may quickly go fromidealization to devaluation—or thinking that their partner is a horrible person.

The key to maintaining a relationship with someone with BPD is to find ways to cope with these cycles and to encourage your partner toget professional helpto cope with the disruptive symptoms and reduce problematic thinking. In addition to individual therapy, couples therapy can be helpful for both partners in the relationship.

Managing a Romantic Relationship With BPD

In addition to couples therapy, there are therapies that have been shown to be effective for a person with BPD, in terms of helping with relationships:

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Dialectal behavior therapy (DBT)is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy that relates a person’s thinking to their behavior. There are four main skills taught in DBT, one of which is managing interpersonal skills.

Mentalization-Based Therapy

Mentalization-based therapy (MBT)is a therapy that focuses on helping someone make sense of what is going on in their mind and the minds of others.

Medications

There are currently nomedications specifically approved to treat BPD, but doctors may prescribe medication to help improve certain symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Research suggests that some medications can help a person manage their anger, impulsivity, and depression.

On that note, though, it’s important to carefully weigh the side effects of a medication with its potential benefit. Talk to your doctor about which options might be right for you.

Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD can sometimes feel like being on an emotional roller coaster. While your relationship is bound to face some challenges, there are steps you can take to bring more stability to your connection.

While there will be bumps along the way, showing compassion and support can help set your relationship on a smoother path.

How BPD Affects Breakups

Many issues may arise when a relationship in which one partner has BPD ends. Because people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment, a breakup can leave them feeling desperate and devastated.

Even if a relationship is unhealthy, a person with BPD can have trouble letting the relationship go. This is particularly true of long-term partnerships ormarriages.

This is why it’s a good idea to have asupport networkfor you and partner, especially if a breakup may occur. This network often includes a mental health professional.

Keep in Mind

It’s important to remember that while borderline personality disorder can create challenges in relationships, it is treatable. This means that while most people with BPD do experience residual symptoms even after time and treatment, in the long term, recovery and healthy relationships are possible.

How to Deal With Abandonment Issues in Your Relationships

If you or your partner are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you or your partner are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

12 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.National Institute of Mental Health.Borderline personality disorder.Miano A, Dziobek I, Roepke S.Characterizing couple dysfunction in borderline personality disorder.J Pers Disord. 2018:1-18. doi:10.1521/pedi_2018_32_388Navarro-Gómez S, Frías Á, Palma C.Romantic relationships of people with borderline personality: A narrative review.PSP. 2017;50(3):175-187. doi:10.1159/000474950Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154Menon P, Chaudhari B, Saldanha D, Devabhaktuni S, Bhattacharya L.Childhood sexual abuse in adult patients with borderline personality disorder.Ind Psychiatry J. 2016;25(1):101-106. doi:10.4103/0972-6748.196046Sansone RA, Sansone LA.Sexual behavior in borderline personality: A review.Innov Clin Neurosci. 2011;8(2):14-8.Nguyen T, Frayne J, Watson S, Galbally M.Outcomes for pregnant women with Borderline Personality Disorder who attended a specialist antenatal service.Australas Psychiatry. 2024;32(2):138-142. doi:10.1177/10398562231222831Reichl C, Kaess M.Self-harm in the context of borderline personality disorder.Curr Opin Psychol. 2021;37:139-144. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2020.12.007Yeomans F, Levy K.Borderline Personality Disorder, An Issue of Psychiatric Clinics of North America.Elsevier Health Sciences.2018.Edel M-A, Raaff V, Dimaggio G, Buchheim A, Brune, M.Exploring the effectiveness of combined mentalization-based group therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy for inpatients with borderline personality disorder.Br J Clin Psychol. 2017 Mar;56(1):1-15. doi:10.1111/bjc.12123Parker JD, Naeem A.Pharmacologic treatment of borderline personality disorder.AFP. 2019;99(5).Lavner JA, Lamkin J, Miller JD.Borderline personality disorder symptoms and newlyweds' observed communication, partner characteristics, and longitudinal marital outcomes.J Abnorm Psychol. 2015;124(4):975-81. doi:10.1037/abn0000095

12 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.National Institute of Mental Health.Borderline personality disorder.Miano A, Dziobek I, Roepke S.Characterizing couple dysfunction in borderline personality disorder.J Pers Disord. 2018:1-18. doi:10.1521/pedi_2018_32_388Navarro-Gómez S, Frías Á, Palma C.Romantic relationships of people with borderline personality: A narrative review.PSP. 2017;50(3):175-187. doi:10.1159/000474950Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154Menon P, Chaudhari B, Saldanha D, Devabhaktuni S, Bhattacharya L.Childhood sexual abuse in adult patients with borderline personality disorder.Ind Psychiatry J. 2016;25(1):101-106. doi:10.4103/0972-6748.196046Sansone RA, Sansone LA.Sexual behavior in borderline personality: A review.Innov Clin Neurosci. 2011;8(2):14-8.Nguyen T, Frayne J, Watson S, Galbally M.Outcomes for pregnant women with Borderline Personality Disorder who attended a specialist antenatal service.Australas Psychiatry. 2024;32(2):138-142. doi:10.1177/10398562231222831Reichl C, Kaess M.Self-harm in the context of borderline personality disorder.Curr Opin Psychol. 2021;37:139-144. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2020.12.007Yeomans F, Levy K.Borderline Personality Disorder, An Issue of Psychiatric Clinics of North America.Elsevier Health Sciences.2018.Edel M-A, Raaff V, Dimaggio G, Buchheim A, Brune, M.Exploring the effectiveness of combined mentalization-based group therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy for inpatients with borderline personality disorder.Br J Clin Psychol. 2017 Mar;56(1):1-15. doi:10.1111/bjc.12123Parker JD, Naeem A.Pharmacologic treatment of borderline personality disorder.AFP. 2019;99(5).Lavner JA, Lamkin J, Miller JD.Borderline personality disorder symptoms and newlyweds' observed communication, partner characteristics, and longitudinal marital outcomes.J Abnorm Psychol. 2015;124(4):975-81. doi:10.1037/abn0000095

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

National Institute of Mental Health.Borderline personality disorder.Miano A, Dziobek I, Roepke S.Characterizing couple dysfunction in borderline personality disorder.J Pers Disord. 2018:1-18. doi:10.1521/pedi_2018_32_388Navarro-Gómez S, Frías Á, Palma C.Romantic relationships of people with borderline personality: A narrative review.PSP. 2017;50(3):175-187. doi:10.1159/000474950Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154Menon P, Chaudhari B, Saldanha D, Devabhaktuni S, Bhattacharya L.Childhood sexual abuse in adult patients with borderline personality disorder.Ind Psychiatry J. 2016;25(1):101-106. doi:10.4103/0972-6748.196046Sansone RA, Sansone LA.Sexual behavior in borderline personality: A review.Innov Clin Neurosci. 2011;8(2):14-8.Nguyen T, Frayne J, Watson S, Galbally M.Outcomes for pregnant women with Borderline Personality Disorder who attended a specialist antenatal service.Australas Psychiatry. 2024;32(2):138-142. doi:10.1177/10398562231222831Reichl C, Kaess M.Self-harm in the context of borderline personality disorder.Curr Opin Psychol. 2021;37:139-144. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2020.12.007Yeomans F, Levy K.Borderline Personality Disorder, An Issue of Psychiatric Clinics of North America.Elsevier Health Sciences.2018.Edel M-A, Raaff V, Dimaggio G, Buchheim A, Brune, M.Exploring the effectiveness of combined mentalization-based group therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy for inpatients with borderline personality disorder.Br J Clin Psychol. 2017 Mar;56(1):1-15. doi:10.1111/bjc.12123Parker JD, Naeem A.Pharmacologic treatment of borderline personality disorder.AFP. 2019;99(5).Lavner JA, Lamkin J, Miller JD.Borderline personality disorder symptoms and newlyweds' observed communication, partner characteristics, and longitudinal marital outcomes.J Abnorm Psychol. 2015;124(4):975-81. doi:10.1037/abn0000095

National Institute of Mental Health.Borderline personality disorder.

Miano A, Dziobek I, Roepke S.Characterizing couple dysfunction in borderline personality disorder.J Pers Disord. 2018:1-18. doi:10.1521/pedi_2018_32_388

Navarro-Gómez S, Frías Á, Palma C.Romantic relationships of people with borderline personality: A narrative review.PSP. 2017;50(3):175-187. doi:10.1159/000474950

Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154

Menon P, Chaudhari B, Saldanha D, Devabhaktuni S, Bhattacharya L.Childhood sexual abuse in adult patients with borderline personality disorder.Ind Psychiatry J. 2016;25(1):101-106. doi:10.4103/0972-6748.196046

Sansone RA, Sansone LA.Sexual behavior in borderline personality: A review.Innov Clin Neurosci. 2011;8(2):14-8.

Nguyen T, Frayne J, Watson S, Galbally M.Outcomes for pregnant women with Borderline Personality Disorder who attended a specialist antenatal service.Australas Psychiatry. 2024;32(2):138-142. doi:10.1177/10398562231222831

Reichl C, Kaess M.Self-harm in the context of borderline personality disorder.Curr Opin Psychol. 2021;37:139-144. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2020.12.007

Yeomans F, Levy K.Borderline Personality Disorder, An Issue of Psychiatric Clinics of North America.Elsevier Health Sciences.2018.

Edel M-A, Raaff V, Dimaggio G, Buchheim A, Brune, M.Exploring the effectiveness of combined mentalization-based group therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy for inpatients with borderline personality disorder.Br J Clin Psychol. 2017 Mar;56(1):1-15. doi:10.1111/bjc.12123

Parker JD, Naeem A.Pharmacologic treatment of borderline personality disorder.AFP. 2019;99(5).

Lavner JA, Lamkin J, Miller JD.Borderline personality disorder symptoms and newlyweds' observed communication, partner characteristics, and longitudinal marital outcomes.J Abnorm Psychol. 2015;124(4):975-81. doi:10.1037/abn0000095

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