Find a TherapistReady to get started?Ready toget started?Add your email to continueEmailGet startedBy submitting your email, you agree to receive reminders and marketing communications.
Ready to get started?Ready toget started?Add your email to continueEmailGet startedBy submitting your email, you agree to receive reminders and marketing communications.
Ready to get started?
Ready toget started?
Add your email to continue
Get started
By submitting your email, you agree to receive reminders and marketing communications.
Mental Health HomepageConditions LibraryConditions CategoryConditions CategoryHow Borderline Personality Disorder Impacts Relationships
Table of Contents:OverviewTesting BoundariesThe Desire for CodependencySplitting: Love or Hate, Black or WhiteAssuming Malicious IntentHigh Likelihood of Past Relational TraumaSelf-Harming/Suicidal Behavior and ThreatsHow People Can Cope
Borderline Personality DisorderRead Time: 6 Minutes
Published On: September 26, 2017
Reviewed On: September 26, 2017
Updated On: November 2, 2023
Overview
Updated on 5/17/2022
Ben learns he is not allowed to take personal calls during business hours at his new job at a strict government agency. His supervisor gives him an emergency number so family members can reach him when absolutely necessary.
The news immediately fills him with dread. Ben’s daughter, Lisa, hasborderline personality disorder. She calls him a few times a week, often while he’s at work. A supportive and understanding father, Ben was happy to chat with her at his old office where there were no limitations on phone calls.
Now he has to inform his daughter that their mid-week check ins will need to be less frequent and occur only in the evening. With noticeable reluctance, he provides the emergency number to Lisa.
The next day Lisa dials the number during Ben’s lunch break. Before picking up, Ben already knows who it is and what is going on. Lisa is fine. There is no crisis.
Ben tries to suppress the frustration in his voice, but Lisa can hear how upset he is. She simply wanted to make sure he would pick up if she was in trouble. She doesn’t get what the big deal is.
Ben is frustrated. He shouts. He is already wilting under the glare from a supervisor.
Lisa snaps. The love she has for her father is no longer on her mind, as if it it had never existed at all. Intense indignation takes its place. She screams. Threatens to harm herself, makes him feel guilty for long-past wrongs.
She hangs up. The dial tone ringing in Ben’s ears, he panics about what she might do next.
Ben and Lisa’s story illustrates a few aspects of how borderline personality disorder [BPD] tends to impact relationships. Even for those closest to a BPD sufferer, it can be difficult to remain compassionate and patient in the face of such volatile behavior. By learning more about the condition and watching out for common relational dilemmas, both sufferers and their loved ones can take steps toward building healthier bonds.
Testing Boundaries
People with borderline personality disorder tend to have trouble understanding and respecting boundaries. Like Lisa, they often push limits. Psychologist Daniel S. Lobel, Ph.D. and author of “When Your Daughter Has BPD,” mentioned some common examples he encountered in his work:
The Desire for CodependencyMost people naturally want a level of independence and autonomy in their relationships. Borderline personality disorder, however, fosterscodependency, a situation where one person in a relationship relies on the other for the vast majority of their needs and desires. People with BPD often derive their sense of worth from how much other people are serving them, Lobel said. It is easy for sufferers to conflate self-reliance with abandonment.“One of the primary beliefs within BPD is, ‘I, alone, am not worthy,’” said therapist Melissa O’Neill, Director of Program Development atTimberline Knolls Residential Treatment Center.This line of thinking can contribute to a pattern of short, intense romantic relationships that often become toxic. It is common for romantic partners to have little education on borderline personality disorder. This lack of awareness makes them less likely to be considerate and able to handle stressful behavior. Ironically, people with BPD often seek relationships to cope with the pain of their symptoms.
The Desire for Codependency
Most people naturally want a level of independence and autonomy in their relationships. Borderline personality disorder, however, fosterscodependency, a situation where one person in a relationship relies on the other for the vast majority of their needs and desires. People with BPD often derive their sense of worth from how much other people are serving them, Lobel said. It is easy for sufferers to conflate self-reliance with abandonment.
“One of the primary beliefs within BPD is, ‘I, alone, am not worthy,’” said therapist Melissa O’Neill, Director of Program Development atTimberline Knolls Residential Treatment Center.
This line of thinking can contribute to a pattern of short, intense romantic relationships that often become toxic. It is common for romantic partners to have little education on borderline personality disorder. This lack of awareness makes them less likely to be considerate and able to handle stressful behavior. Ironically, people with BPD often seek relationships to cope with the pain of their symptoms.
Splitting: Love or Hate, Black or WhiteThose who live with BPD have a predisposition for a mindset called “splitting” where they fluctuate between viewing people as either entirely good or evil. Rather than experiencing shades of grey, sufferers perceive relationships as black or white.Inher article for The Mighty, Sarah Cooper, who had recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, described her experience with splitting.“I can get consumed in my anger toward people,” she wrote. “All my memories with that person become tainted, bad and wrong. Just thinking of them fills me up with anger.”The opposite reaction can occur as well. Borderline personality disorder can cause people to feel unbridled love or infatuation, to regard someone as an infallible savior. This dichotomous nature can make maintaining relationships exhausting.
Splitting: Love or Hate, Black or White
Those who live with BPD have a predisposition for a mindset called “splitting” where they fluctuate between viewing people as either entirely good or evil. Rather than experiencing shades of grey, sufferers perceive relationships as black or white.
Inher article for The Mighty, Sarah Cooper, who had recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, described her experience with splitting.
“I can get consumed in my anger toward people,” she wrote. “All my memories with that person become tainted, bad and wrong. Just thinking of them fills me up with anger.”
The opposite reaction can occur as well. Borderline personality disorder can cause people to feel unbridled love or infatuation, to regard someone as an infallible savior. This dichotomous nature can make maintaining relationships exhausting.
Assuming Malicious IntentBorderline personality disorder often makes the afflicted feel as if everyone is trying to hurt them. Benign actions and words can seem like insults and threats. These assumptions of hostility can make people with BPD shift rapidly from pleasant to aggressive, saidtherapist Dr. Wyatt Fisher. What appears to be the intention to punish and be cruel might actually be a defensive reaction that originated from fear.
Assuming Malicious Intent
Borderline personality disorder often makes the afflicted feel as if everyone is trying to hurt them. Benign actions and words can seem like insults and threats. These assumptions of hostility can make people with BPD shift rapidly from pleasant to aggressive, saidtherapist Dr. Wyatt Fisher. What appears to be the intention to punish and be cruel might actually be a defensive reaction that originated from fear.
High Likelihood of Past Relational TraumaAbuse and neglect during childhood are common contributors to the development of borderline personality disorder. Most sufferers have traumatic relationships before they are diagnosed with BPD.“While not everyone who experiences relational trauma develops BPD, all people I have known or worked with who have had BPD have also had relational trauma,” saidtherapist Jenev Caddell.Because the people who were supposed to care for them inflicted great pain, it can be challenging for victims of childhood abuse to build healthy relationships. BPD exacerbates this problem.
High Likelihood of Past Relational Trauma
Abuse and neglect during childhood are common contributors to the development of borderline personality disorder. Most sufferers have traumatic relationships before they are diagnosed with BPD.
“While not everyone who experiences relational trauma develops BPD, all people I have known or worked with who have had BPD have also had relational trauma,” saidtherapist Jenev Caddell.
Because the people who were supposed to care for them inflicted great pain, it can be challenging for victims of childhood abuse to build healthy relationships. BPD exacerbates this problem.
Self-Harming/Suicidal Behavior and ThreatsBorderline personality disorder increases the likelihood of using self-harming behavior to cope with emotional pain. Those living with BPD are more likely to threaten suicide when they are angry with friends, family members, and romantic partners.
Self-Harming/Suicidal Behavior and Threats
Borderline personality disorder increases the likelihood of using self-harming behavior to cope with emotional pain. Those living with BPD are more likely to threaten suicide when they are angry with friends, family members, and romantic partners.
How People Can CopeIf you have borderline personality disorder, consider a range of mental health treatments, includingdialectical behavior therapyand mindfulness. If you haven’t been diagnosed and suspect you may be experiencing borderline personality disorder, start with our clinically-backed onlineBPD test. BPD is more difficult to treat than most other mental illnesses, so be patient with yourself. If you’re experiencing these types of symptoms it’s important to verify a diagnosis from a mental health professional, as the diagnosis will inform the best method of treatment. For example, bipolar shares symptoms, but the treatment forBPD vs. bipolarwill be different.For those who are close with BPD sufferers, remember that it is an illness. Acknowledge the pain and suffering those with BPD endure every day. Set strict boundaries and do not waver. If someone with BPD hurts you, know that they most likely did not intend to. Even when the relationship becomes horribly stressful, try to be kind and compassionate.
How People Can Cope
If you have borderline personality disorder, consider a range of mental health treatments, includingdialectical behavior therapyand mindfulness. If you haven’t been diagnosed and suspect you may be experiencing borderline personality disorder, start with our clinically-backed onlineBPD test. BPD is more difficult to treat than most other mental illnesses, so be patient with yourself. If you’re experiencing these types of symptoms it’s important to verify a diagnosis from a mental health professional, as the diagnosis will inform the best method of treatment. For example, bipolar shares symptoms, but the treatment forBPD vs. bipolarwill be different.
For those who are close with BPD sufferers, remember that it is an illness. Acknowledge the pain and suffering those with BPD endure every day. Set strict boundaries and do not waver. If someone with BPD hurts you, know that they most likely did not intend to. Even when the relationship becomes horribly stressful, try to be kind and compassionate.
Joseph RauchStaff Writer at Talkspace
Staff Writer at Talkspace
Share
Effective and affordable mental health treatmentGet Started
Effective and affordable mental health treatment
Related Articles About Borderline Personality DisorderView all articlesBorderline Personality DisorderJuly 14, 2023Medications for Borderline Personality DisorderBorderline Personality DisorderFebruary 3, 2023Exploring Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) TriggersBorderline Personality DisorderFebruary 3, 2023Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Rage: Triggers & How to Deal with ItBorderline Personality DisorderFebruary 3, 2023Understanding The “Favorite Person” Relationship in BPDBorderline Personality DisorderJanuary 30, 2023BPD Love Bombing: What to KnowBorderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality DisorderAugust 17, 2022Borderline Personality Disorder vs. Narcissistic Personality DisorderBorderline Personality DisorderJuly 1, 2022Dating Someone with BPD: What to ExpectBorderline Personality DisorderJuly 1, 20228 Natural Remedies for BPDBorderline Personality DisorderJune 29, 2022Signs & Symptoms of Borderline Personality DisorderBorderline Personality DisorderJune 29, 20225 Different Types of Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder
Related Articles About Borderline Personality DisorderView all articles
Related Articles About Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality DisorderJuly 14, 2023Medications for Borderline Personality DisorderBorderline Personality DisorderFebruary 3, 2023Exploring Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) TriggersBorderline Personality DisorderFebruary 3, 2023Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Rage: Triggers & How to Deal with ItBorderline Personality DisorderFebruary 3, 2023Understanding The “Favorite Person” Relationship in BPDBorderline Personality DisorderJanuary 30, 2023BPD Love Bombing: What to KnowBorderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality DisorderAugust 17, 2022Borderline Personality Disorder vs. Narcissistic Personality DisorderBorderline Personality DisorderJuly 1, 2022Dating Someone with BPD: What to ExpectBorderline Personality DisorderJuly 1, 20228 Natural Remedies for BPDBorderline Personality DisorderJune 29, 2022Signs & Symptoms of Borderline Personality DisorderBorderline Personality DisorderJune 29, 20225 Different Types of Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality DisorderJuly 14, 2023Medications for Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality DisorderFebruary 3, 2023Exploring Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Triggers
Borderline Personality DisorderFebruary 3, 2023Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Rage: Triggers & How to Deal with It
Borderline Personality DisorderFebruary 3, 2023Understanding The “Favorite Person” Relationship in BPD
Borderline Personality DisorderJanuary 30, 2023BPD Love Bombing: What to Know
Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality DisorderAugust 17, 2022Borderline Personality Disorder vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality DisorderJuly 1, 2022Dating Someone with BPD: What to Expect
Borderline Personality DisorderJuly 1, 20228 Natural Remedies for BPD
Borderline Personality DisorderJune 29, 2022Signs & Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality DisorderJune 29, 20225 Different Types of Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder
If you are in a life threatening situation – don’t use this site. Call 988 or useto get immediate help.
Therapy may be free for you
