Honestly, the Talking Stage of Dating Isn't *That* Bad—Let Us Explain

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Even Is the Talking Stage?Why The Talking Stage MattersHow Do You Know If You’re In the Talking Phase?So You’re Talking…Now What?Surviving (and Thriving) in The Talking Stage and BeyondTaking It to The Next Level

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What Even Is the Talking Stage?

Why The Talking Stage Matters

How Do You Know If You’re In the Talking Phase?

So You’re Talking…Now What?

Surviving (and Thriving) in The Talking Stage and Beyond

Taking It to The Next Level

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The talking stage ofdatingrefers to those early days of intenseinfatuationwhen you’re getting to know someone beforepossiblyentering a committed relationship. The label is often used colloquially and in pop culture to describe those undefined moments in a budding relationship.

While the talking stage can be exhilarating for a time, it often can be filled with dread. You’re still getting to know each other and you’re desperately trying not togive (or get) the ick. One or both of you may be seeing other people at the same time. Not to mention, the threat of being ghosted is thick. Think of the talking stage like the trial period of dating—there’s no guarantee things will progress forward and that shaky ground can be hard for many folks.

Infatuation: I Think I’m in Love, But Am I?

You know the talking stage if you’re in it. It is theare we, aren’t weera of dating. I’m atherapistand I hear from folks navigating the talking stage often. Typically, they’re in that stage for afew months—around three to four, specifically. Any sooner than that and folks run the risk ofjumpinginto a new relationship when they’re not quite ready or haven’t really gotten to know each other.

Alternatively, staying in this phase of dating for a long might stall your future goals related to romantic partnerships like marriage or children. Or, even worse, you’ll realize you’ve been in a years-longsituationshiplater on down the road.

Here’s the thing: the talking stage may be uncomfortable but it’s really important. It allows time for you and the person you’re dating to get to know each other. Anticipation and excitement around the relationship can build as you two cultivate your connection through talking. Yourdealbreakers,nonnegotiables, and commonalities become conversation fodder. It is also important to pace yourself when getting to know someone. Rushing into relationships can leave you vulnerable and attached to someone who mightnotbe the right fit.

The Bottom LineThat said, it can be stressful and challenging moving through the talking stage, especially if you’re anxiously attached or feel unsure about wherethe relationship is going. Both parties must feel ready for more of a commitment to progress to something more defined. Some people prefer to launch into a commitment relationship complete with titles after the talking phase whereas others prefer a slower progression with the next step being exclusively dating but not defined commitment. Do these talks give you a rush ofanxiety? We get it.

The Bottom Line

That said, it can be stressful and challenging moving through the talking stage, especially if you’re anxiously attached or feel unsure about wherethe relationship is going. Both parties must feel ready for more of a commitment to progress to something more defined. Some people prefer to launch into a commitment relationship complete with titles after the talking phase whereas others prefer a slower progression with the next step being exclusively dating but not defined commitment. Do these talks give you a rush ofanxiety? We get it.

You’re in the talking stage if you’re casually dating—going on dates, meeting each other’s friends, maybe even having sex—but aren’t in a defined relationship. This stage is typically what preludes thewhat are wetalk. Communication is usually heavily dependent upon text, though sometimes people will FaceTime or talk on the phone. Even if you’re hanging out in person, deep vulnerable talks may not be happening IRL yet because it feels too vulnerable.

When you’re in the talking stage,boundariesaren’t very clear. You might feel it is important to continue going on dates with other folks to keep your options open. Or, you may feel like you don’t want to give anyone else your attention, and that alone can spike some fear. Regardless of where you land, you might feel some datinganxietyabout what is to come.

6 Types of Relationships and Their Effect on Your Life

Look, the talking stage can bring about so much anxiety because everything is super unclear and undefined. But there are ways to soothe those understandable nerves—here’s how.

Know If The Talking Stage Is Going Well

Not having a relationship title can definitely be nerve-wracking but you can feel a teensy bit better knowing the talking stage is going well. A good talking stage means an official relationship may be on the way. Some signs of a good talking stage include:

When The Talking Stage Isn’t Going Well

Naturally, navigating the talking stage and knowing if it’s going good or bad is hard because things are so early! But licensed marriage and family therapistJanell Coxrecommends focusing more on behaviors than words. For example, she says to remain attuned to the other person’s actions—whether they instigate plans, want to see you beyond having sex, and if they generally make themselves available.

“If you feelnervous or anxious, this is information,” she explains, adding that it’s important totrust your gutwhile in the talking stage.

How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Impact a Relationship

There are two common obstacles in this period: ghosting or experiencing a slow fade in communication. We dig into both problems—plus offer coping strategies—down below.

Getting Ghosted and How to Cope

If you get ghosted during the talking stage, you’re not alone. It’s an all too common experience.

Ghosting is a key sign of a lack of emotional maturity and poor communication skills and provides insight into what could have led to much deeper issues within the relationship.

Some prefer to reach out via text message to get clarification on why theghostingoccurred. If you choose to do so, be super clear on what information you hope to receive. Is there ever an excuse for ghosting? Will knowing why this person behaved in an emotionally unavailable manner actually shift your feelings about the situation?

Suppose you feel you need to give yourself closure in a ghosting situation. In that case, you can send the following text without expecting or needing a response, according to dating coachErika Ettin: “I’m not sure what happened, but I’m disappointed I never heard back from you after the time we spent together. I do wish you had kindly let me know you were no longer interested. Regardless, this will be my last communication.”

If you are no longer feeling a connection and don’t want to ghost, you can text: “Thanks so much for the time and experiences we shared. Unfortunately, I am not feeling the connection I’m looking for but I wish you all the best.”

When a Relationship Slowly Fades

You also might experience a “slow fade” aka when the responses and hangouts become less and less frequent. This is an opportunity to be direct and ask the other person their feelings. Sometimes communication can slow down due to circumstances, but other times it can be the person isn’t comfortable saying they’re ready to move on directly. A conversation can nip this conundrum in the bud.

How Dating Apps Exacerbate the Talking Stage

Then, there’s thedating appsof it all. The research proves what most of us know to be true:dating appsaren’t going anywhere, so we might as well learn to live with them.

FYI

Again, harkening back to Janell’s insight—if you’re feeling anxious about this conversation, this is a sign of valuable information for you to hold about yourattachment style, how secure you feel in the relationship, and if this person is the right fit for you.

Things are feeling good and you’re ready to get out of thetalking stage? We don’t blame you. There’s an art to navigating this delicate decision. “If there has beenemotional intimacyestablished, this won’t be as hard,” explains Janell. But, if it feels impossible, she warns, it may not be the right time or the right person.

If you need a quick script to start off the conversation, Janell’s got you covered. Here are some phrases to get you started:

Above all, remember what Janell says: dating is a learning process. It’s a bump ride full of twists and turns but one you should enjoy nonetheless.

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Wu K, Bamishigbin O. When silence speaks louder than words: Exploring the experiences and attitudes of ghosters.Personal Relationships. 2023;30(4):1358-1382. doi:10.1111/pere.12518Castro Á, Barrada JR.Dating apps and their sociodemographic and psychosocial correlates: a systematic review.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(18):6500. doi: 10.3390/ijerph17186500

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Wu K, Bamishigbin O. When silence speaks louder than words: Exploring the experiences and attitudes of ghosters.Personal Relationships. 2023;30(4):1358-1382. doi:10.1111/pere.12518Castro Á, Barrada JR.Dating apps and their sociodemographic and psychosocial correlates: a systematic review.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(18):6500. doi: 10.3390/ijerph17186500

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Wu K, Bamishigbin O. When silence speaks louder than words: Exploring the experiences and attitudes of ghosters.Personal Relationships. 2023;30(4):1358-1382. doi:10.1111/pere.12518Castro Á, Barrada JR.Dating apps and their sociodemographic and psychosocial correlates: a systematic review.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(18):6500. doi: 10.3390/ijerph17186500

Wu K, Bamishigbin O. When silence speaks louder than words: Exploring the experiences and attitudes of ghosters.Personal Relationships. 2023;30(4):1358-1382. doi:10.1111/pere.12518

Castro Á, Barrada JR.Dating apps and their sociodemographic and psychosocial correlates: a systematic review.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(18):6500. doi: 10.3390/ijerph17186500

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