Here's How to Connect With a Kid, According to Psychologists

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsBridging the GapAsk Open-ended QuestionsAvoid Noisy QuestionsTipsTopics to Avoid

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Bridging the Gap

Ask Open-ended Questions

Avoid Noisy Questions

Tips

Topics to Avoid

Close

It’s not just me—talking to kids can be a struggle, right? Sometimes, it’s like you have ~nothing~ in common. Other times, you forget they think and operate differently—their brains aren’t fully developed—which makes connectingthatmore difficult.

Moreover, children also have a more developedright hemisphere, where youremotions, movement, play, and creativity live, Schamuhn says. “Kids connect with their parents through mutual activities [like] riding bikes together, play, cuddling, and storytelling.” All of this makes chatting with a seven-year-old a bit difficult. But there are ways to make connecting between us adults and kids super easy. Here’s how.

How to Bridge the Gap Between an Adult Mind and Kid’s Mind

Kids’ needs vary and change over time, which makes it tough for parents to know how to connect. “Parent-child relationshipsare multidimensional, so sometimes children want you close. Other times, they want their independence,” saysDeborah Serani, PsyD,  a psychologist and professor at Adelphi University. “This goes for little ones, teens, and even older adult children.”

A 4-Step Approach to Connecting

Serani recommends practicing the following steps to improve your connection with kids:

The goal is to meet a child at their comfort level, so they see “your presence, interest, and connection is about wanting to be with them,” Serani says.

Other Ways to Connect

Structured activities are great ways to connect with children. Serani suggests the following:

Rather than asking kids close-ended questions like, “How was your day” or “Did you have a good time at the party?” which often instigates one-word responses like “fine” or “ok,” ask open-ended questions that tease the imagination or emotional centers of the brain, says Schamuhn. She suggests the following:

Get to Know Someone Better Through These 50 Questions

Open-ended Questions Help Develop Kids' Well-being

Serani says parents asking simple and concise open-ended questions about their kids’ unique experiences can help form a positive connection and increase theirwell-being.

This particular kind of well-being is called flourishing, where children develop optimism, asense of belonging, greater self-confidence, autonomy, positive self-esteem, and many other traits.Studies looking at parent-child interactions around the globe revealed that the greater the family connection, the higher the rate of flourishing.

“Children with parents who love and have genuine interest in their singular specialness develop character strengths that help them move through adversity better in life, and find meaning and purpose in life,” Serani adds.

Share Your Own Perspective (But Not Too Much)

When trying to connect with kids and teens, sharing your own experiences can be helpful but timing is everything, says Moran Marsh. “I always recommend staying focused on the child’s interests first. Make sure you truly understand their perspective before offering your own stories,” she adds.

Try ThisTo gauge their interest in your perspective while respecting their autonomy and keeping the conversation balanced, consider asking questions like:“Do you want to hear about a time when I went through something similar?”“I know what that’s like. That happened to me too. Want to hear about it?”

Try This

To gauge their interest in your perspective while respecting their autonomy and keeping the conversation balanced, consider asking questions like:“Do you want to hear about a time when I went through something similar?”“I know what that’s like. That happened to me too. Want to hear about it?”

To gauge their interest in your perspective while respecting their autonomy and keeping the conversation balanced, consider asking questions like:

Once children feel heard and validated, they may naturally invite your perspective, asking questions like: “What would you do in this situation?”

“If they aren’t ready for advice, respect that boundary,” says Moran Marsh. “Remember, children want to feel important, and moving too quickly into problem-solving can invalidate their thoughts, leading to emotional escalation.”

Avoid Questions That Seem “Nosy”

Children are highly perceptive and can quickly see through an adult’s agenda, says Moran Marsh. Ask questions from a place of genuine curiosity rather than trying to steer the conversation. “Take your time, and remember that your goal is to empathize and understand what the child is experiencing,” she says. “Rapid-fire questions, especially if they come across as interrogative, will almost certainly backfire.”

Tip:Ask one question and let the child answer before asking another.

“Think of this social exchange as a temperature reading of whether the child is open to your curiosity or sees it as being too much right now,” says Serani. Based on their response, you’ll know if they want more connection, advice, or a listening ear.

Tips for Connecting With Kids Based on Their Age

Kids Under 10

Staying informed about what’s interesting to children under 10 can help start conversations. This could include movies, sports teams, social media influencers, or seasonal events like Halloween.

“Taking an interest in their world and offering honest feedback creates a more natural dialogue,” says Moran Marsh. Ask questions like: “Tell me what we can do together?” or “What happened on Bluey today?”

“This shows humility and openness—qualities that children appreciate,” Moran Marsh adds.

Adolescents

To connect with kids regardingsocial media, follow some influencers they follow, so you can askquestions like:

Additionally, being aware of how social media works can help you connect with kids. “Many children admit feeling left out when they see friends together without them, a revelation that can open up meaningful conversations,” says Moran Marsh.

Teenagers

The teenage years are a time for navigating dependence versus independence, so teens need towelcome the space to talk, says Serani. She suggests asking questions like:

“Saying these to just connect and not look for more from your teen will deepen the parent-child bond,” Serani says.

Topics to Avoid if You’re Trying to Connect With Kids

For parents trying to connect with kids, avoid turning the conversation into a to-do list with questions like: “Did you clean your room?” or “Did you finish your homework?” Instead, focus on their thoughts and feelings.

“Refrain from entering the conversation with a hidden agenda,” says Moran Marsh. “Even though many adults, myself included, want to use every moment to teach valuable lessons, pushing your own agenda too early can cause frustration and make the child feel unheard.”

When it comes to difficult topics to discuss like loss, illness, death, sex, religion, divorce, drugs, disasters, and prejudice, Serani recommends gauging how strong your connection is to the child before delving into these topics.

If you have difficulty talking with children about topics that need to be addressed, you may be facingtopic avoidance.“This happens when parents and children avoid talking about things to protect each other from distressing emotions or to safeguard privacy, or there’s shame attached to a subject that is too painful to share,” says Serani.

Getting help from a mental health professional (see below for some recs!) can help families work through these conversations.

Get Help NowWe’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Bottom Line

Ultimately, connecting with children takes a bit more work and a lot more intention. It’s just not the same aschatting with your bestieor partner. But that doesn’t make it impossible. Just think of yourself when you were a child—what did you like to do or talk about? It certainly wasn’t the news, politics, or any adult-like topics, but things like “Sesame Street,” “Barney” and American Girl Doll.

The secret to connecting with children isn’t complicated or hard. Just be a kid! After all, you have your own inner child waiting to come out, so go ahead and embrace them.

4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.National Institute of Mental Health.The teen brain: 7 things to know.Whitaker RC, Dearth-Wesley T, Herman AN.Parent-child connection and the development of flourishing.Academic Pediatrics. 2024;24(7):1033-1034. doi:10.1016/j.acap.2024.05.007Whitaker RC, Dearth-Wesley T, Herman AN, van Wingerden ASN, Winn DW.Family connection and flourishing among adolescents in 26 countries.Pediatrics. 2022;149(6):e2021055263. doi:10.1542/peds.2021-055263Guerrero LK, Afifi WA.What parents don’t know: Topic avoidance in parent–child relationships. In:Parents, Children, and Communication: Frontiers of Theory and Research. LEA’s communication series. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc; 1995:219-245.

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.National Institute of Mental Health.The teen brain: 7 things to know.Whitaker RC, Dearth-Wesley T, Herman AN.Parent-child connection and the development of flourishing.Academic Pediatrics. 2024;24(7):1033-1034. doi:10.1016/j.acap.2024.05.007Whitaker RC, Dearth-Wesley T, Herman AN, van Wingerden ASN, Winn DW.Family connection and flourishing among adolescents in 26 countries.Pediatrics. 2022;149(6):e2021055263. doi:10.1542/peds.2021-055263Guerrero LK, Afifi WA.What parents don’t know: Topic avoidance in parent–child relationships. In:Parents, Children, and Communication: Frontiers of Theory and Research. LEA’s communication series. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc; 1995:219-245.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

National Institute of Mental Health.The teen brain: 7 things to know.Whitaker RC, Dearth-Wesley T, Herman AN.Parent-child connection and the development of flourishing.Academic Pediatrics. 2024;24(7):1033-1034. doi:10.1016/j.acap.2024.05.007Whitaker RC, Dearth-Wesley T, Herman AN, van Wingerden ASN, Winn DW.Family connection and flourishing among adolescents in 26 countries.Pediatrics. 2022;149(6):e2021055263. doi:10.1542/peds.2021-055263Guerrero LK, Afifi WA.What parents don’t know: Topic avoidance in parent–child relationships. In:Parents, Children, and Communication: Frontiers of Theory and Research. LEA’s communication series. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc; 1995:219-245.

National Institute of Mental Health.The teen brain: 7 things to know.

Whitaker RC, Dearth-Wesley T, Herman AN.Parent-child connection and the development of flourishing.Academic Pediatrics. 2024;24(7):1033-1034. doi:10.1016/j.acap.2024.05.007

Whitaker RC, Dearth-Wesley T, Herman AN, van Wingerden ASN, Winn DW.Family connection and flourishing among adolescents in 26 countries.Pediatrics. 2022;149(6):e2021055263. doi:10.1542/peds.2021-055263

Guerrero LK, Afifi WA.What parents don’t know: Topic avoidance in parent–child relationships. In:Parents, Children, and Communication: Frontiers of Theory and Research. LEA’s communication series. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc; 1995:219-245.

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