Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsCommon Reasons for a Sexless MarriageAddressing the IssueWill It Lead to Divorce?Next Steps
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Common Reasons for a Sexless Marriage
Addressing the Issue
Will It Lead to Divorce?
Next Steps
Close
A sexless marriage is one in which there is little to no sexual activity between the partners. Some experts consider a marriage sexless ifsexual intimacy is lackingfor a year or more. Others define it as a marriage in which partners haven’t engaged in sexual intercourse for one month.Many married couples experience this pattern of letting the physical aspects of their relationship hit a plateau, such as during the first few years of marriage, which is common, particularly if kids come into the picture.
There are many possible reasons why a marriage may become sexless, including everything from health issues to lifestyle factors. Here’s an overview of some common reasons for a sexless marriage.
Health Issues
A person’s physical and mental health can have a majorimpact on their libidoand desire for physical intimacy. Health concerns and disability can also disrupt the physiological process of arousal in both sexes.
Experiencing some level of sexual dysfunction is common, affecting roughly 43% of women and 31% of men.But if these issues last for more than a few months or are causing problems for you or your partner, it’s a good idea to speak with a healthcare provider.
Female Sexual Arousal Disorder: Definition, Symptoms, Causes, Treatment
Mismatched Libidos
Not everyone desires the same amount of sex, and sex drive has a natural ebb and flow. When the partners' desire for sex does not coincide, it’s easy for them to find themselves waiting to engage sexually until both partners are in the mood, which can be infrequent.
This is a common issue for couples according to the Sexual Medicine Society of North America (SMSNA).While it isn’t always a problem, mismatched sex drives can lead to feelings of rejection for the partner with a high libido and feelings of guilt or annoyance for the partner with alow libido.
Childbirth
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) reports that there isn’t a defined time for when someone can have sex again after childbirth, but many healthcare providers recommend waiting for at least six weeks.Some may prefer to wait longer.
Spending post-childbirth time without sex typically wouldn’t be considered a true “sexless marriage.” Yet, whether someone who has just given birth is mentally and emotionally ready for sex depends on the individual.
The added stress of caring for an infant, body image issues, tiredness, and afear of getting pregnantagain can also affect libido after having a child.
Stress
Excessive stress can wreak havoc on your sex drive. The stress hormone cortisol plays a role in this process. When cortisol levels increase, sex hormones decrease, ultimately reducing your desire for sex.
During stressful periods, cortisol levels are roughly nine times higher than when you feel relaxed.
In addition to the physical reasons whystress lowers sex drive, the psychological effects of stress can leave you feeling so tired, frazzled, and anxious that you simply don’t have the desire or energy for sex. This can contribute to a sexless marriage.
Communication Issues
When you are in conflict with your partner, it can be difficult to maintain physical intimacy. You might not even feel like talking to them, let alone have a desire to engage in sexual activity.
Poor communication about sex, in general, can also lower sexual desire and arousal in individuals while impacting the body physiologically in terms of lubrication, orgasm, and erectile function. Additionally, these effects overall tend to be stronger for married individuals than those in dating relationships.
Contributing FactorsConflicts and argumentsNegative feelingsPunitive or passive-aggressive behaviorsInfidelityPower strugglesPornography addiction
Contributing Factors
Conflicts and argumentsNegative feelingsPunitive or passive-aggressive behaviorsInfidelityPower strugglesPornography addiction
Erectile Dysfunction
Difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection can make it difficult to have sex, for a number of reasons.Whileerectile dysfunction (ED)is a common problem, it can also affect a person’s anxiety levels, confidence, and self-esteem.
People who have ED symptoms should always talk to a physician to rule out an underlying health condition. Health issues that can lead to ED include type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, chronic kidney disease, and heart disease.
Low Sex Drive
Sometimes calledhypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), low sex drive is an issue that both men and women may experience. The American Sexual Health Association shares that HSDD involves an absence of sexual desire, thoughts, or fantasies, leading to personal distress.
A variety of factors can contribute to HSSD development. Among them are depression, physical orsexual trauma, substance abuse or dependence, certain medications, or having a medical condition that causes low sexual desire, such as diabetes, hypertension, or metabolic syndrome.
HSDD has been linked with reduced feelings of happiness, lower partner satisfaction rates, and a higher incidence ofnegative emotional states.
Medication Side Effects
Many medications have sexual side effects. Some of thedrugs that can cause sexual dysfunctioninclude:
The use of recreational drugs can also contribute to sexual dysfunction. This includes alcohol and nicotine, but also cocaine, marijuana, and heroin.
Mental Health Issues
Symptoms of depressioninclude lack of energy, loss of interest and pleasure, social withdrawal, and depressed mood. All these factors can have an effect on a person’s desire for sex and physical intimacy.
Bipolar disorder,anxiety disorders, and psychosis are additional mental health issues that can impair sexual desire, arousal, and satisfaction.Thus, treating these issues is important to effectively deal with a sexless marriage.
History of Abuse
Past sexual abuse can have long-lasting effects that influence both current and future relationships.Emotional reactions such as fear and shame,post-traumatic stress, and distortions in self-perception can seriously impact a person’s sex life.
Life Issues
A number of different life factors and/or circumstances can also play a role in how frequently people engage in sex with their partner, including:
What to Do If Your Partner Is Not Interested in Sex
How to Address a Sexless Marriage
If you have a low- or no-sex marriage, the first step is determining whether a lack of sex is a problem in your relationship. Whether you consider a low-sex or no-sex marriage an issue is entirely up to you and your partner.
There is no right amount of sex in a marriage. What’s more important, in many cases, is whether you still have physical andemotional intimacywith your partner and whether both you and your partner are satisfied in your marriage.
1:50Questions and Tips For Building Intimacy In Your Relationship
1:50
Questions and Tips For Building Intimacy In Your Relationship
Avoid comparing your marriage to others because every relationship is unique. While you might come acrossmarital sex statisticsthat make you feel like you and your partner are not having enough sexual intimacy, research has found that going without sex is more common than you might think.
Frequency of Marital SexAccording to a 2020 study about the frequency of sexual activity in adults aged 18 to 44:1.7% of married men and 1.3% of married women reported having no sex during the previous year5.2% of married men and 5.5% of married women reported having sex once or twice annually35.4% of married men and 29.5% of married women reported having sex one to three times per month57.7% of married men and 60.9% of married women reported having sex weekly or more
Frequency of Marital Sex
According to a 2020 study about the frequency of sexual activity in adults aged 18 to 44:1.7% of married men and 1.3% of married women reported having no sex during the previous year5.2% of married men and 5.5% of married women reported having sex once or twice annually35.4% of married men and 29.5% of married women reported having sex one to three times per month57.7% of married men and 60.9% of married women reported having sex weekly or more
According to a 2020 study about the frequency of sexual activity in adults aged 18 to 44:
Here are some ways you can address the lack of sex in your marriage if it’s a problem for you and your partner.
Communicate
Talk with your partnerabout the issue of low or no sex in your marriage. It may be difficult, but this communication is necessary. Even otherwise strong relationships can have problems with sex and intimacy. It isn’t necessarily a sign that your marriage is weak or in trouble.
Starting a conversation in this way can help increase the chance that your partner will hear your concern whereas using accusatory language (e.g., “you are never in the mood anymore”) can come across as critical and evoke defensiveness.—DR. JENNIFER LITNER, SEXOLOGIST AND FOUNDER OF EMBRACE SEXUAL WELLNESS
Starting a conversation in this way can help increase the chance that your partner will hear your concern whereas using accusatory language (e.g., “you are never in the mood anymore”) can come across as critical and evoke defensiveness.
—DR. JENNIFER LITNER, SEXOLOGIST AND FOUNDER OF EMBRACE SEXUAL WELLNESS
As you talk, aim to determine ways you both think can rekindle your sex life. Making a change will only work if both of you agree to change and work together.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex
Build Intimacy
If you have decided that you want to have more sex, consider putting sex on your schedule. It may sound unromantic, but it can also be exciting and special if done the right way. Scheduling gives you something to look forward to and shows a commitment to one another and your physical relationship.
Beyond sex, it’s also important to explore other ways to build closeness that is often lost in low-sex or no-sex relationships. Physical intimacy doesn’t only involve sex. Make an effort to renew your love and create that special spark.
Being close, both emotionally and physically, is an important part of ahealthy relationship. And it’s important to note that physical intimacy isn’t limited to sex.
Spending more time together, whether you’re curled up on the couch watching television or taking turns giving each other a massage, builds foundational intimacy. Here are other intimacy-building activities you might consider:
Get Help
Depending on the underlying causes, seeking outside help may also be a good option. You might try a marriage retreat, workshop, or seminar to help with communication and connection.
Consult a healthcare provider to address any underlying medical conditions that may be impacting your sex life. Seek support from a mental health professional together or separately to foster communication skills or learn stress management techniques.
If therapy feels like the right direction for you, consider seeing a counselor who focuses on sexual issues in marriage like a certifiedsex therapist. Your therapist can work with you to address any issues that are standing in the way of intimacy. Take these opportunities to focus on building a stronger, deeper marriage.
The Best Online Sex Therapy Programs
Will a Sexless Marriage Lead to Divorce?
While there is a lack of recent research on the topic, older studies have shown that lower sexual satisfaction and sexual frequency are associated with marriages breaking up.According to a 2015 study published inSocial Psychological and Personality Science,having more sex indicates greater well-being for people in relationships, but only up to once a week.
Being dissatisfied with your sex life can breed trouble in a relationship.That is to say that the lack of sex itself isn’t necessarily an issue, but rather any dissatisfaction associated with the lack of sex is.
If you’re unsatisfied with theamount of sexyou and your partner are having, you may be wondering whether your relationship can be sustained. Making thedecision to end your marriagecan be very complex. There are many factors that can contribute to feeling sexually satisfied in a partnership, and they can differ from person to person.
Next Steps If You Are in a Sexless Marriage
Michele Weiner Davis, author of the book “Sex Starved Marriage,” explains why a low-sex marriage can become a major problem. “[It’s] really about feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling appreciated, and feeling connected,” she says.
Davis goes on to say that because of hurt that can develop from not having needs met, the bond between a couple can dissipate to the point of putting the marriage at risk.
Research suggests that some of the most common factors contributing to divorce include a lack of commitment, infidelity, and arguing or conflict.
If your partner doesn’t agree that there is a problem in your marriage anddoesn’t want to change, you will have to decide if a low- or no-sex marriage is a dealbreaker for you.
Keep in Mind
Whether being in a sexless marriage is a dealbreaker depends on the couple. But if you find yourself dissatisfied with the amount of sex you and your partner are having, the first step is to communicate this, then explore ways to find the intimacy that each of you needs to feel fulfilled.
There are many reasons that a relationship can become sexless, and many are treatable. Experiencing sexual issues in a relationship can be very difficult, but you don’t have to manage it alone.
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24 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Manzenreiter W, Holthus B (Eds).Happiness and the Good Life in Japan.Johns Hopkins Medicine.Keep the spark alive in your marriage.Cleveland Clinic.Sexual dysfunction.Sexual Medicine Society of North America.Coping with mismatched sex drives.American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.A partner’s guide to pregnancy.Yeniel AO, Petri E.Pregnancy, childbirth, and sexual function: perceptions and facts.Int Urogynecol J. 2014;25:5-14. doi:10.1007/s00192-013-2118-7Cleveland Clinic.Low libido (low sex drive).Cay M, Ucar C, Senol D, et al.Effect of increase in cortisol level due to stress in healthy young individuals on dynamic and static balance scores.North Clin Istanb. 2018;5(4):295-301. doi:10.14744/nci.2017.42103Mallory AB, Stanton AM, Handy AB.Couples' sexual communication and dimensions of sexual function: A meta-analysis.J Sex Res. 2019;56(7):882-898. doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1568375Yafi FA, Jenkins L, Albersen M, et al.Erectile dysfunction.Nat Rev Dis Primers. 2016;2:16003. doi:10.1038/nrdp.2016.3National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases.Symptoms & causes of erectile dysfunction.American Sexual Health Association.Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD).Pachano Pesantez GS, Clayton AH.Treatment of hypoactive sexual desire disorder among women: General considerations and pharmacological options.Focus (Am Psychiat Publ). 2021;19(1):39-45. doi:10.1176/appi.focus.20200039Parish SJ, Hahn SR.Hypoactive sexual desire disorder: A review of epidemiology, biopsychology, diagnosis, and treatment.Sex Med Rev. 2016;4(2):103-120. doi:10.1016/j.sxmr.2015.11.009National Library of Medicine.Drugs that may cause erection problems.Montejo AL.Sexuality and mental health: The need for mutual development and research.J Clin Med. 2019;8(11):1794. doi:10.3390/jcm8111794Berthelot N, Godbout N, Hébert M, Goulet M, Bergeron S.Prevalence and correlates of childhood sexual abuse in adults consulting for sexual problems.J Sex Marital Ther. 2014;40(5):434-443. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2013.772548Jannini EA, Nappi RE.Couplepause: A new paradigm in treating sexual dysfunction during menopause and andropause.Sex Med Rev. 2018;6(3):384-395. doi:10.1016/j.sxmr.2017.11.002Ueda P, Mercer C, Ghaznavi C, Herbenick D.Trends in frequency of sexual activity and number of sexual partners among adults aged 18 to 44 years in the US, 2000-2018.JAMA Netw Open. 2020;3(6):e203833. doi:10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2020.3833Yabiku ST, Gager CT.Sexual frequency and the stability of marital and cohabiting unions.J Marriage Fam. 2009;71(4):983-1000. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2009.00648.xMuise A, Schimmack U, Impett EA.Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better.Soc Psychological Personal Sci. 2016;7(4):295-302. doi:10.1177/1948550615616462Shakerian A, Nazari AM, Masoomi M, Ebrahimi P, Danai S.Inspecting the relationship between sexual satisfaction and marital problems of divorce-asking women in Sanandaj City family courts.Procedia - Soc Behav Sci. 2014;114:327-333. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2013.12.706Velten J, Margraf J.Satisfaction guaranteed? How individual, partner, and relationship factors impact sexual satisfaction within partnerships.PLOS ONE. 2017;12(2):e0172855. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0172855Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ.Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education.Couple Family Psychol. 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025Additional ReadingCleveland Clinic.Sexual dysfunction.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Manzenreiter W, Holthus B (Eds).Happiness and the Good Life in Japan.Johns Hopkins Medicine.Keep the spark alive in your marriage.Cleveland Clinic.Sexual dysfunction.Sexual Medicine Society of North America.Coping with mismatched sex drives.American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.A partner’s guide to pregnancy.Yeniel AO, Petri E.Pregnancy, childbirth, and sexual function: perceptions and facts.Int Urogynecol J. 2014;25:5-14. doi:10.1007/s00192-013-2118-7Cleveland Clinic.Low libido (low sex drive).Cay M, Ucar C, Senol D, et al.Effect of increase in cortisol level due to stress in healthy young individuals on dynamic and static balance scores.North Clin Istanb. 2018;5(4):295-301. doi:10.14744/nci.2017.42103Mallory AB, Stanton AM, Handy AB.Couples' sexual communication and dimensions of sexual function: A meta-analysis.J Sex Res. 2019;56(7):882-898. doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1568375Yafi FA, Jenkins L, Albersen M, et al.Erectile dysfunction.Nat Rev Dis Primers. 2016;2:16003. doi:10.1038/nrdp.2016.3National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases.Symptoms & causes of erectile dysfunction.American Sexual Health Association.Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD).Pachano Pesantez GS, Clayton AH.Treatment of hypoactive sexual desire disorder among women: General considerations and pharmacological options.Focus (Am Psychiat Publ). 2021;19(1):39-45. doi:10.1176/appi.focus.20200039Parish SJ, Hahn SR.Hypoactive sexual desire disorder: A review of epidemiology, biopsychology, diagnosis, and treatment.Sex Med Rev. 2016;4(2):103-120. doi:10.1016/j.sxmr.2015.11.009National Library of Medicine.Drugs that may cause erection problems.Montejo AL.Sexuality and mental health: The need for mutual development and research.J Clin Med. 2019;8(11):1794. doi:10.3390/jcm8111794Berthelot N, Godbout N, Hébert M, Goulet M, Bergeron S.Prevalence and correlates of childhood sexual abuse in adults consulting for sexual problems.J Sex Marital Ther. 2014;40(5):434-443. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2013.772548Jannini EA, Nappi RE.Couplepause: A new paradigm in treating sexual dysfunction during menopause and andropause.Sex Med Rev. 2018;6(3):384-395. doi:10.1016/j.sxmr.2017.11.002Ueda P, Mercer C, Ghaznavi C, Herbenick D.Trends in frequency of sexual activity and number of sexual partners among adults aged 18 to 44 years in the US, 2000-2018.JAMA Netw Open. 2020;3(6):e203833. doi:10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2020.3833Yabiku ST, Gager CT.Sexual frequency and the stability of marital and cohabiting unions.J Marriage Fam. 2009;71(4):983-1000. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2009.00648.xMuise A, Schimmack U, Impett EA.Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better.Soc Psychological Personal Sci. 2016;7(4):295-302. doi:10.1177/1948550615616462Shakerian A, Nazari AM, Masoomi M, Ebrahimi P, Danai S.Inspecting the relationship between sexual satisfaction and marital problems of divorce-asking women in Sanandaj City family courts.Procedia - Soc Behav Sci. 2014;114:327-333. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2013.12.706Velten J, Margraf J.Satisfaction guaranteed? How individual, partner, and relationship factors impact sexual satisfaction within partnerships.PLOS ONE. 2017;12(2):e0172855. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0172855Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ.Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education.Couple Family Psychol. 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025
Manzenreiter W, Holthus B (Eds).Happiness and the Good Life in Japan.
Johns Hopkins Medicine.Keep the spark alive in your marriage.
Cleveland Clinic.Sexual dysfunction.
Sexual Medicine Society of North America.Coping with mismatched sex drives.
American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.A partner’s guide to pregnancy.
Yeniel AO, Petri E.Pregnancy, childbirth, and sexual function: perceptions and facts.Int Urogynecol J. 2014;25:5-14. doi:10.1007/s00192-013-2118-7
Cleveland Clinic.Low libido (low sex drive).
Cay M, Ucar C, Senol D, et al.Effect of increase in cortisol level due to stress in healthy young individuals on dynamic and static balance scores.North Clin Istanb. 2018;5(4):295-301. doi:10.14744/nci.2017.42103
Mallory AB, Stanton AM, Handy AB.Couples' sexual communication and dimensions of sexual function: A meta-analysis.J Sex Res. 2019;56(7):882-898. doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1568375
Yafi FA, Jenkins L, Albersen M, et al.Erectile dysfunction.Nat Rev Dis Primers. 2016;2:16003. doi:10.1038/nrdp.2016.3
National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases.Symptoms & causes of erectile dysfunction.
American Sexual Health Association.Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD).
Pachano Pesantez GS, Clayton AH.Treatment of hypoactive sexual desire disorder among women: General considerations and pharmacological options.Focus (Am Psychiat Publ). 2021;19(1):39-45. doi:10.1176/appi.focus.20200039
Parish SJ, Hahn SR.Hypoactive sexual desire disorder: A review of epidemiology, biopsychology, diagnosis, and treatment.Sex Med Rev. 2016;4(2):103-120. doi:10.1016/j.sxmr.2015.11.009
National Library of Medicine.Drugs that may cause erection problems.
Montejo AL.Sexuality and mental health: The need for mutual development and research.J Clin Med. 2019;8(11):1794. doi:10.3390/jcm8111794
Berthelot N, Godbout N, Hébert M, Goulet M, Bergeron S.Prevalence and correlates of childhood sexual abuse in adults consulting for sexual problems.J Sex Marital Ther. 2014;40(5):434-443. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2013.772548
Jannini EA, Nappi RE.Couplepause: A new paradigm in treating sexual dysfunction during menopause and andropause.Sex Med Rev. 2018;6(3):384-395. doi:10.1016/j.sxmr.2017.11.002
Ueda P, Mercer C, Ghaznavi C, Herbenick D.Trends in frequency of sexual activity and number of sexual partners among adults aged 18 to 44 years in the US, 2000-2018.JAMA Netw Open. 2020;3(6):e203833. doi:10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2020.3833
Yabiku ST, Gager CT.Sexual frequency and the stability of marital and cohabiting unions.J Marriage Fam. 2009;71(4):983-1000. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2009.00648.x
Muise A, Schimmack U, Impett EA.Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better.Soc Psychological Personal Sci. 2016;7(4):295-302. doi:10.1177/1948550615616462
Shakerian A, Nazari AM, Masoomi M, Ebrahimi P, Danai S.Inspecting the relationship between sexual satisfaction and marital problems of divorce-asking women in Sanandaj City family courts.Procedia - Soc Behav Sci. 2014;114:327-333. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2013.12.706
Velten J, Margraf J.Satisfaction guaranteed? How individual, partner, and relationship factors impact sexual satisfaction within partnerships.PLOS ONE. 2017;12(2):e0172855. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0172855
Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ.Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education.Couple Family Psychol. 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025
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