Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsRecovering From Narcissistic AbuseHow to Identify Narcissistic BehaviorWhat Narcissistic Abuse Looks Like in a RelationshipEnding a Relationship With a NarcissistTips for Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse

How to Identify Narcissistic Behavior

What Narcissistic Abuse Looks Like in a Relationship

Ending a Relationship With a Narcissist

Tips for Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abusecan involve behaviors such as emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, lying, lack of empathy, and overstepping boundaries. The goal of this abuse is to maintain control.

At a GlanceNarcissistic abuse can take a serious toll on those who experience it it. It not only undermines a person’s mental well-being; it also cuts to the core of their very sense of self. It can be deeply damaging, but recovering from narcissistic abuse is possible. Ending the relationships, joining a recovery program, and re-building your social support system are vital. Through it all, remember to trust your gut and set boundaries that allow you to recover.

At a Glance

Narcissistic abuse can take a serious toll on those who experience it it. It not only undermines a person’s mental well-being; it also cuts to the core of their very sense of self. It can be deeply damaging, but recovering from narcissistic abuse is possible. Ending the relationships, joining a recovery program, and re-building your social support system are vital. Through it all, remember to trust your gut and set boundaries that allow you to recover.

If you have recently gotten out of a relationship with someone who exhibitednarcissistic behavior, it can be hard to know how exactly to move forward in your healing process.

To get some help, Verywell Mind spoke withMike Dow, PsyD, PhD, a psychotherapist with extensive experience in helping people who have experiencedemotional abusein relationships.

“One of the biggest misconceptions is that all narcissists exhibit a very easy-to-spot grandiosity,” explains Dow. “While many do, there are also those who can appear shy or quiet on the outside, but secretly harbor grandiose plans, negative views of others, and afragile egoon the inside.”

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Dow explains that narcissists are good at seeking out warm, sensitive people that they feel they can manipulate. If you think that the person you’re with could be a narcissist, Dow says it’s important to ask yourself these questions:

Am I getting my needs met consistently?Do I sometimes get a very strong feeling I am being manipulated but then ignore it?If I’m being honest with myself, am I being controlled and not getting my needs met?Have I been forced to sacrifice my other relationships and priorities in a constant attempt to serve this person’s needs?If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, then it’s possible that your partner, family member or friend, is a narcissist.

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, then it’s possible that your partner, family member or friend, is a narcissist.

While Dow explains that most narcissists are younger men,he notes that this isn’t always the case. That said, he says there are qualities to look out for.

If you’re wondering if someone you’re interested in is a narcissist, look at their other relationships. If they have a consistent pattern of relationships that were purelytransactional or self-serving, that’s a definite sign of narcissism.

“We all want to get our needs met, and that’s healthy,” says Dow. “The difference is that narcissists will throw others under the bus with noguiltif it means their needs are being met.”

Dow says that another way to recognize a narcissist is to notice if they’re constantly looking for praise. He urges his clients to remember that “confidence is quiet while insecurity is loud.”

The 5 Things You Need to Do If You’re Dealing With a Narcissist

Although narcissistic abuse is not a formally recognized diagnosis, it is often used to describe a syndrome where being in a relationship to a narcissistic partner can adversely affect one’s emotional health. To begin the healing process, first, you have to identify the instances of abuse. This can be harder than it sounds.

Mike Dow, PsyDAbuse from a narcissist is extremelymanipulativeand controlling. Because of their low frustration tolerance, they can explode and become very emotionally andverbally abusive. They frequently gaslight and put you down.

Mike Dow, PsyD

Abuse from a narcissist is extremelymanipulativeand controlling. Because of their low frustration tolerance, they can explode and become very emotionally andverbally abusive. They frequently gaslight and put you down.

Dow says that one of the most damaging aspects of narcissistic relationships is that the narcissistic partner can quickly vacillate between supportive and kind to cruel and manipulative.

Additionally, Dow notes that narcissists need to be in control. They know how to pull you back in after they’ve pushed you too far.

Their goal is to preserve their ego, which can be quite fragile,and these preservation attempts can be both conscious and subconscious.

Effects of Narcissistic Abuse

If you’re ready to end your relationship. Dow specifies that you should be very clear on why you’reending the relationshipand that you should be prepared for the narcissist to be defensive.

He recommends that the person leaving the relationship go into the conversation with clear talking points about why they’re leaving.

If you need help with this, enlist the help of a therapist. Talking it out with a loved one can also be helpful, or evenjournaling. Of course, you can also do all of the above.

Dow explains that the primary goal for a person who is healing from narcissistic abuse is often learning to trust themselves again after years ofexperiencing gaslightingin the relationship. To slowly work back toward learning to trust yourself again, keep these things in mind:

Set Boundaries

After ending the relationship, Dow advises his clients to unfollow or block them on social media, and to be willing to block their phone or emails.

Trust Your Gut

It’s vital that you listen to your own intuition, especially since narcissists have a tendency to attack that in others. “In subtle or overt ways, the narcissist has frequently communicated: ‘What’s wrong with YOU? You’re crazy,'” explains Dow.

How Narcissistic Abuse Can Cause C-PTSD

Join a Recovery Program

Dow says thatrelationships with narcissistscan commonly triggerco-dependencyin their partners. “Co-Dependents Anonymous can sometimes be part of the healing journey,” says Dow. “Especially for people who were previouslycodependent in other relationships.”

Reach Out to Family and Friends

Make sure that you are surrounding yourself with the loved ones and hobbies that support you and your mental health. Dow explains that one common method of manipulation for narcissists is alienating their partners from theirsupport systems.

What This Means For YouIt can be hard to admit to yourself that you’ve let someone manipulate you, but it’s nothing to be ashamed or guilty about.Seek out a therapistwho can help you identify the moments when your partner was being manipulative, and learn how to effectively set boundaries and honor your own needs.

What This Means For You

It can be hard to admit to yourself that you’ve let someone manipulate you, but it’s nothing to be ashamed or guilty about.Seek out a therapistwho can help you identify the moments when your partner was being manipulative, and learn how to effectively set boundaries and honor your own needs.

How to Heal From Trauma

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Stinson, PhD, F. S., Dawson, PhD, D. A., & Goldstein, PhD, MPH, R. B. (n.d.).Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Results From the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions.The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry.Altınok A, Kılıç N.Exploring the associations between narcissism, intentions towards infidelity, and relationship satisfaction: Attachment styles as a moderator.PLoS One. 2020;15(11):e0242277. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0242277Day NJS, Townsend ML, Grenyer BFS.Living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study[published correction appears in Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2022 Jan 22;9(1):5].Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2020;7(1):19. doi:10.1186/s40479-020-00132-8

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Stinson, PhD, F. S., Dawson, PhD, D. A., & Goldstein, PhD, MPH, R. B. (n.d.).Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Results From the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions.The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry.Altınok A, Kılıç N.Exploring the associations between narcissism, intentions towards infidelity, and relationship satisfaction: Attachment styles as a moderator.PLoS One. 2020;15(11):e0242277. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0242277Day NJS, Townsend ML, Grenyer BFS.Living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study[published correction appears in Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2022 Jan 22;9(1):5].Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2020;7(1):19. doi:10.1186/s40479-020-00132-8

Stinson, PhD, F. S., Dawson, PhD, D. A., & Goldstein, PhD, MPH, R. B. (n.d.).Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Results From the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions.The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry.Altınok A, Kılıç N.Exploring the associations between narcissism, intentions towards infidelity, and relationship satisfaction: Attachment styles as a moderator.PLoS One. 2020;15(11):e0242277. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0242277Day NJS, Townsend ML, Grenyer BFS.Living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study[published correction appears in Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2022 Jan 22;9(1):5].Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2020;7(1):19. doi:10.1186/s40479-020-00132-8

Altınok A, Kılıç N.Exploring the associations between narcissism, intentions towards infidelity, and relationship satisfaction: Attachment styles as a moderator.PLoS One. 2020;15(11):e0242277. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0242277

Day NJS, Townsend ML, Grenyer BFS.Living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study[published correction appears in Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2022 Jan 22;9(1):5].Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2020;7(1):19. doi:10.1186/s40479-020-00132-8

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At a Glance#

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Mike Dow, PsyD#

Set Boundaries#

Trust Your Gut#

Join a Recovery Program#

Reach Out to Family and Friends#

What This Means For You#